CHAPTER THREE: NORMAL

I wish I could walk into a room and feel superior and have my nose up at everybody, but I can't, because I know I'm just a huge nerd, and that wouldn't work for me.
-Chris Colfer

They told me boys don't cry just work my hardest, they told me you can lie just don't get caught, they told me boys will be boys there's nothing you can do about it, they told me don't think about how you look, they told me just be one of them.

So all my life I've tried to be the man they wanted me to be.

Can we normalize that boys can cry too?

I hate the way men treat women.

Lying doesn't sit well with me.

There are things I can do about it.

And we get self-conscious of the way we look.

Crying and caring about things not getting what I want through deceit or solving problems with my fists doesn't make me less of a man.

Not that being a typical man in society is something someone should look forward to being.

I wish being normal came with perks but instead it's somehow worse than being weird.

Or, at least in my crush's world, that's how it works.

Look at me -normal 'white' guy, normal jock, normal brain, normal looks, normal everything.

Perfectly ordinary.

What more could the smartest, most adorable girl in school ask for?

So I did more of the only thing I've been able to do for a year now, I wrote her a poem. And I stuck it in her book.

This time I had to watch- -painfully watch as the girl who thinks I'm a walking joke, reads my love given to her in ink form- -as Robin, right on cue, reads what I wrote her.

Can I tell you a secret?
In my head-
We are together
And we are happy
This is nothing new
But I am just here
I am just me

Do you know yourself?
I know you-
You're smart
And intimidating
Of this I am sure
You are much more
Than I will ever be

Sincerely,
From a single star
In your entire universe

And I had to watch as the nerd turned red and bit her lip, as her hand held the slip of paper to her chest and eyes drop back to the book. 

As my name isn't the one being thought in her mind.

As she never turns to ask if it's me.

"What cha' reading?" My voice is gentle but the thoughts in my head aren't. "Did you just pull a page out of your book...isn't that illegal in nerd-land?"

"It's nothing." Robin says, tucking my poem away in her pocket.

I scoff, "Then can I see it?"

"No!" She shouts, scooting away from me before flushing in embarrassment as a few pair of eyes glance over to her. "I meant no...you can't. It's important."

"Why is it important?"

Out of all this time, I've never gotten to hear how she really feels about the poems -or about the person behind them, whoever she imagines me to really be.

Does this count as lying?

Birdie gulps, blue eyes hesitantly searching my own. "They're poems."

Grinning, happy that she told me- -is she starting to actually like me even a little?- -I wiggle my eyebrows. "Like, love poems?"

Surprisingly, she shakes her head. "They're personal poems. For me. Some of them aren't about love but they all come from this person, whoever he is, he-"

"Adores you?" I know I've gone to far when her eyes narrow at me, making me back track. "Uh... why do you think it's a guy? Could be a chick, you never know."

"I do know! I know him," She pauses for a second, eyes falling to the tabletop. "Or, I know the most important part of him -his mind. It's not a chick, which I would be okay if it was, but I know it's a guy."

Putting my cheek against my fist, I take to staring at her. "Do you like him?"

"I think I'm in love with him."

My body jerks and my elbow slips off the table, making the side of my head clip the edge of the table, thankful for the bell ringing to distract everyone else from my fall.

"Motherfucker," I hiss, way too ashamed I did that in front of her. "Sorry, I just-" Grabbing my bag and standing in a haste, I accidentally bump into another guy. "Oh, sorry, I'm just, and you, Birdie..." She raises an eyebrow at me, clearly not amused. "Uh, bye."

"Not bye. We're working on our quiz packet at Nell's house, remember?"

Now I'm the one flushing, but I manage to keep basic composure. "I think I'm growing on you, you're not even insisting it be in public this time."

"I don't like you," She says, not even looking at me as she begins to walk away. "I like the Starship Enterprise."

Yeah, I believe it.

The only reason I'm able to go anywhere today is because the kids are staying at a friend's house to finish a art project and the next time I see them is after Ry and Benji's practice.

Dad is across the country doing a few surgeries, Bianca- -my step-mom- -is staying at home with her three year old Hope and my baby brother Julean. Meanwhile when it's her week, Mom is on another vacation with her boyfriend, Hunter.

I don't like Hunter.

Nell's place is an apartment on the east side of the city, meaning it's half way between a studio and a penthouse, it's nice.

Is it weird that I feel nervous about going inside?

Even more so when after ringing the bell twice and knocking, nobody answers but there's music blasting inside and half-good singing accompanying it that tells me someone's inside.

"The gnome you have guarding this door won't deter me." I call out, rapping my knuckles on the door yet again. "Penelope Alcott, this is the fashion police, come out with your hands in the air. You violated code three; Unless you're a lesbian, you can't wear a flannel four days in a row."

"Fuck off!" She yells from inside the house, the music coming to a pause. "I'm not a lesbian but I can still do whatever the hell I want."

"Let me in and I won't arrest you."

"If I don't let you in, you can't arrest me."

Huffing, I cross my arms and glower at the door. "I have no deals left to offer. You'll be caught eventually but for now, let me in and I won't tell HQ that I ran into you."

The door cracks open and her eye narrows at me, searching me. "I'll agree to that."

We shake on it and I'm let in.

"So..." Glancing around, I notice Robin's glasses on the table next to her phone as well as her backpack on the floor next to the couch but the actual girl is no where in sight. "Where's the nerd?"

Nell rolls her eyes, "Shower."

"Did she not know I was coming now?"

"She did." The skater's lips twitch up into a grin, as if she's keeping a secret. Knowing her, she is. "How long do you plan on staying?"

"Oh, um...I can leave whenever you and Robin don't want me around anymore." I pause, contemplating. "I literally have nothing to do for the rest of the day, besides go home."

This is my first night I get to myself in a while. No kids. No practice. No homework. No Micah. And I actually don't know what to do with myself, besides finish the book series I'm working on or go to the gym. Or clean the house.

How do people function without just doing something.

"I like you and Roby's an extrovert, she likes being around people." Nell shrugs. "If you really mean that you're not going home until we want you gone then chances are, you're not going home tonight."

Frowning, I can't help but question it. "Won't your parents care that I'm staying over?"

"They're visiting my older brother and his fiancé until Monday, what they don't know can't hurt them. Besides, if you try anything bad Robin can beat you up with her book and I'll stab you."

I grin. "Sounds like a plan to me."

She rolls her eyes yet again, "Yeah, I'm not worried about it either."

Blinking as she walks out in a towel, Robin announces herself by stumbling loudly to the table.

Smirking, I clear my throat. "Hey Nerd."

"Gah!" She shrieks, clutching the towel tighter to her chest. "Jerk!"

"What?" I laugh. "Nell told me you knew I was going to be here. Oh my god." My snicker comes out louder than I intended. "Your hair is so curly!"

She flushes, haphazardly shoving her glasses on her face. "Shut up, Dummy."

"That's not my name," Flicking my hand out, I poke her in the side. "And you know that, Nerd."

"Oh right, sorry Keagan Beach-Body Schwarzenegger."

"Look whose talking, Robin Egg-Head Neutron."

Nell is the one that laughs at both our expense, "What does that make me?"

"You're just Nell, dude." I tell her, offering a fist bump. "You don't need any more names."

Nodding like I just solved the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer Conjecture, she pounds her fist into mine. "Cool."

Nodding in agreement I say, "Cool indeed."

Out of the corner of my eye I notice Robin's pale eyes narrowed onto us.

"Why are you glaring now, Roby?" Nell sighs, eyeing her best friend. "Oh you're-"

"Ah, ah, ah!" The nerd shushes her, nose wrinkling. "I just wanted to know how long ago he got here?"

"Not long." I reply, amused.

"Why are you smiling like you're Yoda and I'm a dumbass without the Force?"

"Why are you frowning like you're a dog that saw your own pet someone else." Apparently, teasing her led to my own realization, as a thought passes through me. "Wait, are you jealous that I'm friends with Nell."

Robin flushes, making me snicker. "S-shut up!"

Robin is her own person and I'm not going to forget that. 

She's the type of person who I think should be in charge of saving the world, one of the hidden heroes but I don't think she's capable of saving herself. 

The nerd is someone who needs to be loved and looked at like she looks at books -I don't think I can give that to her. Someone extraordinary needs to love her. Really love her. 

It can't be left up to people like me to do it. 

This isn't a job I'm qualified for.

But just maybe I could be a good friend.