CHAPTER FOUR: CRUSHING

I will take a serious approach to a subject usually treated lightly, which is a nerdy thing to do. 
-Benjamin Nugent

Robin's

I'm really good with numbers, math is the one thing that is consistent and always makes sense to me. So, I've kept count of the things my poet has given me over the years.

The notes started in eight grade, that year I only got 6 of them and thought they were a joke. I kept them anyway.

In freshman year of high school, I got 17 and started to think it wasn't a joke. But then nothing happened over the summer, they didn't tell me who they were, so I started to think it was a joke again.

Then in sophomore year, I got 22, bumping the number up to 45 .

Junior year I got an even sixty, making me believe that maybe, they're counting too. I don't think it's a joke anymore.

This year, I got 23 first semester and a mere 4 this semester -well, five now.

The newest poem I found laying in one of my books read like this-

To make sure what I'm feeling
Is at all valid
I have tried to see you
A thousand different ways
Now I have just found
A thousand different ways
To love you

-and, in other words, someone confessed to me they're in love with me for the 132nd time.

That means I have literally received over a hundred love letters, poems or the occasional joke from someone who's in love with me but won't tell me that to my face. 

Whoever this is is infuriatingly funny -which annoys me even more because even when thinking those words stupid Keagan Monikol is the one I think of. 

He's infuriating. 

And sometimes funny. 

That's all. 

He's still a jock who leaves after school to do god knows what even if we want to study together, never has time for anyone else, disappears after every game if only to get to the party his team is going to first.

Keagan is still just -he's just a dumb football player.

One with brown eyes and black hair, one that's not special, one that doesn't even try to act smart or serious, one who-

I need to stop thinking about it.

He just makes me so...angry.

The only time I haven't been mad with him in some way is actually the same day he made me the most mad -the day I was stupidly assigned to sit next to him in our AP Calculus AB class by Mr. Jael.

How he managed to get in and pass the class until second semester is beyond me.

I said something in the hall to Nell and I can't even remember what it is, I was honestly upset at the time- -like I said, he makes me mad and then I can't think- -but Keagan heard it.

And those dumb brown eyes of his looked like Bambi when he stared at me.

It made me feel bad.

But the jock didn't say anything, he just walked past us and then joked about it two weeks later.

He's someone I can't understand.

I hate not being able to understand something. Maybe that's the nerd in me, I don't know. All I know is that everything can be explained by something simply and then something more complex.

The way Keagan infuriates me is confusing because he seems like such a simple guy, he acts like such a simple guy but then I see these moments where he's instantly more complex in my mind.

Plus Nell likes him.

That's weird, genuinely weird, she hates everyone.

I've told my little brother- -his name is Joey, he's a mathlete and an adorably guy for a pre-teen- -about Keagan and how mad he makes me when he makes Nell be his friend at the same time.

The best anger that tiny egg-head can come up with is that Keagan has magic.

Or he's a fairy.

Or a friendship siren.

Or a regular siren that's not murderous.

Which isn't explainable by science! That's frustrating!

And, since the time we left the house to Joey's school, I've been desperately trying to tell him that Keagan isn't a siren in any context, let alone a fairy with magic, or a human with magic.

Joey is adopted, what his last name- -Bailey- -gives away even if the blue eyes and brown hair he has are quite deceiving, which I tease him about because nobody related to me by blood would ever be this dumb.

First chance he gets, the dork changes the subject to one of his friends.

We're here for parent-teacher night, Mom and Dad dragged me along so I can watch Joseph while they talk to the teacher, which is the most boring thing in the world, so he's excited that he might see him.

"His name's Ben!" Joey says, flushing slightly, making me raise an eyebrow. "He's on the football team, I met him because his brother is a-" He pauses to pat his chest twice light they're in fight club or something. "-fellow mathlete."

I smell a crush.

Smiling I ask, "What's position does he play? And what's his brother's name? Is he a twin?"

My brother blushes more, grinning widely.

"He's a triplet! His brother's name is Eli but he has a sister named Rylie, she's on soccer team. Oh! Joey's on the soccer team too, the practices are every other day. He never stops moving. He's the, um, the one who throws the ball? And he's the goalie in soccer, I know the name of that!"

So he's a triplet, that's really cool.

And the quarterback. 

Just like Keagan.

Forcing a smile I keep talking, hoping to distract myself more. "Is he, perhaps, a crush?"

It's like my brother's face explodes with the force he flushes with and Joey sheepishly hides behind his hands as he mumbles something.

Annoyingly, because obviously I'm being annoying, I lean into him and wiggle my eyebrows. "What was that, I can't hear you." I say in sing-song voice.

"He's um, he's my..."

"Joseph!" I whine, shaking his shoulder slightly. "You're twelve, which means if you have a boyfriend you better tell me! I won't tell Mom or Dad."

Neither of them are homophobic but I don't think I've ever seen them be supportive about that kind of stuff so I know why Joey is hesitant to tell them.

Mom's a OBGYN and a really good one at that, and my dad is a lawyer at Carter Law Corp. He might not be the best one out there, but he's good.

"Fine! Fine!" Joey shouts, dodging where I went to smack his arm. "He's my boyfriend."

Squealing, I clap excitedly. "Tell me about him!"

"He's half-Japanese but doesn't look like it so he likes telling people, he looks...Italian? He punched someone in my class for eating broken noodles." Tilting his head, Joey shrugs. "I'm not good with that stuff. But he's really goofy but he's loud and tries to beat up the people who are mean to me or Eli. I'm helping him in math! He helps me win dodge ball in gym."

That is so cute.

"His brother is his dad."

That sounds wrong.

Making a face, I ask, "What do you mean?"

Joey makes a face back at me. "His brother acts like his dad. Sometimes Benji calls him 'Dad' too. He helps him with homework, and practice. Eli told me people think he's dumb but he's actually a genius. His dad is always at work or gone, his step-mom is mean and he doesn't like his mom. But his brother does the dad stuff, even makes them lunch every day! Ben likes him."

"Of course he likes him," I say, only thinking about how that responsibility must be crushing. "He's his older brother."

"You're my older sister and I don't like you."

"You rat!" I shriek, going to steal the twerp's glasses but he takes off down the hall, dodging pairs of loud middle schoolers as they wait for parents. "Get back here-"

"Birdie?"

His voice makes me stumble right into the lockers, where I catch myself but stay frozen with my forehead pressed against the cold metal.

Why is he here?

"Robin Rae, I know your back profile as good as I do your face," Keagan Monikol, of all people, jokingly says this and slips in front of me. "Why are you hiding?"

Joseph, who scrambled back to me, probably to laugh, when I fell just giggles and says, "Because she's ugly."

"Joey!" A much taller boy than my brother tackles him around the middle, making my brother squeal before laughing loudly. 

The black hair is all too familiar.

Twirling around, I catch sight of a boy around Joey's height and a girl who's just a little smaller than him with the same black hair. The same brown eyes blinking at me. The same amused half-smirk on the girl's face. The same confused grin on the guy's.

Keagan's their brother.

He acts like their dad.

People think he's dumb but he's actually a genius.

Feeling quite dumb myself at the moment, I turn on heel with flushed cheeks to look at Keagan almost like he offended me. "You didn't tell me you had siblings."

Glancing to Joey, the jock crosses his arms and gives me a smug look in return. "Neither did you."

"Where's your parents?" I ask, hoping Joey's wrong the same time I hope this isn't too insensitive. 

Both are still in the picture from what I gathered, even if they're not around or good parents.

"They'll come next time," Keagan lies but smiles like nothing's wrong. "Why, trying to get my in trouble for tripping you up, or do you think you can manage the lecture all on your own?"

I flush angrily, scowling at him. "I don't lecture you."

"You scolded me for fifteen minutes for crinkling your precious psychology papers." He deadpans. "That's a lecture, ya' little nerd."

Crossing my arms, I manage to glare at him through the rim of my glasses. "Says the dummy."

"If I'm dumb what does that make you?" Keagan says cockily, brown eyes playfully giving me a once over. "Dumber?"

"Keg, Keg!" The shorter boy interrupts us by pulling on Keagan's arm, pointing down the hall. "That's my math class! Mrs. Larch still remembers you."

"That's good," Keagan smiles- -smiles, not smirks, not grins, smiles- -at his brother and let's himself get pulled away. "Your grades are up right? If everyone has at least one A we're getting ice-cream after."

"Awh that's not fair!" The girl, Rylie, calls out, stomping after her brothers. "Benjamin never gets A's."

Ben, who had been talking animatedly to Joey about a pass he caught, catches this and flips his sister off.

Keagan catches this and stomps over, grabs his brother's finger and folds it down. "Kono nenreide wa arimasen. Haji!"

He's Japanese and he speaks Japanese.

Oh my god, I can see it now.

"Wakatta, mā. Gomen'nasai." His brother whines in reply, struggling to get his hand away from Keagan. "This is me apologizing, geez. Ikou!"

The jock leads the triplets into the classroom, switching between the two languages to scold them and talk about grades -actually acting like a father.

People always tell me that everything that is happening should be happening, that you're exactly where you're supposed to be and it all is for a reason.

But all I can think while look at this is that sounds like bullshit.