Chapter Seventeen

   The shock became so much, and the pent up hurt and guilt from the past week or so added on top, made my own eyes tear up and my lungs closed up so my breathes felt sharp like hundreds of daggers been thrown from the inside outwards. ‘I don’t know, Mike. I just don’t know. Even I’m so confused about what’s happened. It’s just all a blur.’ The warmth of his arms wrapped around me, and he pulled me closer than he had ever before. Still covering my face, I leant into his chest and cried for another five minutes or so.

   ‘I’m sorry, baby. You’re right. It is all a blur, we need to get some air and space but that won’t be easy now. We’ve made things a little harder for ourselves, haven’t we? Hmm?’ he pressed, and he pushed me off slightly so he could look into my eyes and wipe my tears away.

   ‘Maybe,’ I replied, sniffing and still shaking. ‘Mike, how long has it been?’

   His eyes rolled around slightly in their sockets. ‘Erm, how long has what been?’ I should have known he wouldn’t quite understand. A little giggle escaped my salty lips before I answered.

   ‘I mean since you’ve fed, and me thinking about it. It’s been ages, hasn’t it?’ I pointed out.

   ‘No, it hasn’t. Remember the slayers?’ Oops, I’d forgotten about them. ‘Why are you asking?’

   ‘Because I’m scared that it doesn’t need to be a gradual thirst. That just one day, or night, it will just hit me and she will take over.’ My words became softer and slower, and it scared me to hear the subtle traces of fear in my very own voice.

   ‘Right, so what’s your point exactly, hun?’ He gently pulled me over to bed where we both climbed onto and lay down in each other’s arms.

   Laying my head down on his chest, I thought about what I was actually trying to ask him before it just came spiralling out of my lips before I had taken any control over my thoughts. ‘Well, I don’t want a repeat of last time. Like, if it just took control like it did then, I don’t want to hurt you or someone close to me. I want to do it as me, not as her, is what I’m trying to say.’

   ‘Look at me,’ he beckoned. I moved my head so I could, and looked straight into his eyes. Shuffling down, his head now level with mine, his blue eyes looking back into my own; I felt his hands gently caress what parts of me he could reach. Leaning across, his eyes narrowed and his lips gently pressed to mine. Eyes closing, my body pressed into his without my conscious consent. ‘Mmmm,’ he moaned, and the gentle vibrations of his lips on mine resonated into my head and through to my deepest senses. I felt rhythmic tingling sensations down my spine; it felt as if it had straightened as much as it could as now I was pressed as hard as I could be against his rigid body. Lips moving together, we shuffled onto our sides and his chest moved slowly under my fingers, up and down with every slow and deep breath of air he took. ‘Mmmm,’ we both moaned together. Just then I felt a sharp pressing on my lower lip; it was his canines gripping onto it and clamping down hard to get to the precious blood that flowed through me. Only then did it dawn on me that the little hints had been there all along too. As he had clenched his hand just before, it was a sign of inner struggle; all the time he was trying not to get angry with me over the Jake situation was him trying not to lose control of his mentality and harm me unwillingly. Knowing he would now be waiting for a sign that I was comfortable, I pushed my hips forward into his and forced him on his back, as I did so I clambered onto him and lay on top (my legs slid over his smoothly and so easily). Pressing my free lip to his, I slipped my tongue from my mouth to stroke across his lips. Tasting the metallic tanginess of them made me realise he had broken my skin. Relaxing more onto him, my hands roamed freely down his body, the gentle sucking of his lips on mine as he filled up on our source of strength was an entrancing feeling.

   Letting go, he lapped up any blood he could find that he had missed, then lay his head down and stared at me with an expression of gratefulness and bliss, his fingers stroked across my cheek as I blushed from realising what I’d done to him.

   ‘You’ve gone back to your humanness again, which is bad considering you’re still bleeding a little.’ I automatically licked my lip. ‘But it’s fine, I’m in control again.’

   ‘You should have told me it was starting up again.’ I copied his gesture of stroking my cheek, only his instead. ‘I noticed you fisted your hand earlier but I thought it was to stop yourself from starting an argument or something. Now looking back and how you were just now, it’s your other side coming out, isn’t it?’ I probed gently.

   He sighed and looked away for a few seconds. ‘Yes, and trust me, I’m glad you let me do that just now, I never know how long I can hold on with him. And I never want you to have to meet him first hand. He’s stronger, older and more drawing than your other half. I’d hate myself if he harmed you. So thank you, Tiffany, you’re a lot more allowing than I thought you’d be, especially with me, and that’s without knowing he is like.’ He finished speaking pulled me down some more onto him so my ear was almost on his lips. ‘I love you, and I know it seems too soon but I know I can’t be without you. We were meant to be together.’ Not suspecting he would say something like this, I had to make my mind repeat his words twice over so I knew for a fact what I was hearing wasn’t just some figment of my imagination. ‘Tif?’

   ‘Huh?’ I hadn’t noticed he was waiting for a reply. ‘Oh, sorry, Michael. It’s just hard for me to know exactly how I feel right now. Wait, please.’ He had just about started to try to push me off. ‘I swear it has nothing to do with Jake, we’re sorted now and we’re just friends, I promise. I might seem close to him but I’m the only friend he has right now and I need to be there for him. But it will never come between how I feel for you.’ I took a breath. ‘I’m just trying to say that I don’t know if it’s love in the way that I want it to be. Like when I find that guy that I will know from the start I’ll want to be with him for the rest of my life, well I want to know it’s him before I say it. I don’t want to say I love you without first knowing myself that it’s true. Please, Mike, tell me you understand.’ His eyebrows had furrowed, whether in anger or concentration at my words I couldn’t tell but I didn’t want him to let me go. The feeling of safety I got whenever he held me close relaxed me so much, that it took me to the point where I knew no one would dare harm me because of the bond we both shared. And thinking on that thought right there, right here now looking in his eyes, I felt a warm trickling feeling seep down my spine and travel right into the core of me – my heart. His eyes eventually calmed and he took a deep breath, us both noticing he had held his breath for that whole minute (his chest hadn’t moved under my hands).

   ‘Alright, yes I do understand. It’s not that you don’t love me in any way, you just don’t want to say it and then find out it’s not true to the proper meaning or that one day it changes. I understand,’ he repeated. ‘Now, we should both get some sleep,’ he suggested. ‘Or did you want me to return the favour of subduing your demon?’

   That brought a smile onto my lips and a blushing to my cheeks. ‘Hehe,’ I giggled. ‘Nah, I think I’m safe for tonight, baby.’ It was strange using that name for him. ‘Thanks for the offer but we’re both tired and you’re right, we both need our sleep. Or whatever sleep wecan manage to find.’

   ‘Trust me, it will hardly be anything. I mean, we vamps do feel tiredness but usually it cannot be quenched by sleep, only by blood as that is our energy supply. But you, you seem to be different; you still somehow have kept a hold of certain human traits, and I have a funny feeling sleep – or rest – is one of them. So I might stay awake all night but I promise I won’t leave your side.’ At that, I slid off him and snuggled down under the covers while fitting into his side and covering his chest with my arm. With one last kiss on his cheek, I settled down for the night and closed my eyes to see if I could fall into that blissful blackness humans call sleep.