DISCLAIMER/NOTE: this is from a few weeks ago. i was feeling really existential. i am fine. i just went back and read it and i actually quite like the way it turned out. do not worry about me. i am okay.  (:

UNTIL THE STARS COME OUT AGAIN

and it's like nobody will ever understand me. and it's like no matter how hard i try to become myself i am stifled by this relentless summer. and this relentless year. i've had such an incredible recent past. i am so happy. but i am losing it a little bit. i just want to feel in control of myself. i just want to be reassured that i am smart and powerful and capable. i am losing all sense. every day i am a little bit further away. i am slipping into space. every moment i spend outside underneath the stars is another moment that i forget myself. every moment spent surrounded by fireflies is another moment lost in time. and i am trying so desperately to understand myself. i am trying so very hard to hold onto everything i have built.

it seems that it is over far too soon. why am i meant to move on so fast? why must i leave? i need more in my life. i need more of it. i need more of september and october and november and december and january and february. i want those days back.

i don't even know what i feel right now. i guess i am just so very lonely. i am not alone, and yet i am lonely. i have never been so lonely in my life. i have never had so many friends in my life. i have never had so many good friends. i have never had so much love. and yet, still, i am lonely.

and i am stupid. i am not the things that people make me out to be. i am not brilliant or intelligent or bright or sophisticated or mature or any of it. i am just... me. whatever that may be. i'm not sure. i am trying so hard. every moment of my life is censored and dictated and predetermined and destined and fated to happen. i cannot live or control anything. i am a passenger.

everything is so hopeless. i want to discover. but i am so empty right now. i never even know what my own brain is up to. i cannot even unravel my own emotions. they are far too deep and complex. they are dark and jumbled and hidden. i understand myself better than i ever have, but that's because i have unearthed a whole new world to understand. i never knew there was such depth to character, and now i have a million new questions to go unanswered. i am so uncomfortable. i am tired of the way i want to speak to people. i am tired of the way they speak to me.

i don't know where i go from here. i am so scared and at the same time i literally don't care what happens next. it doesn't mean anything. none of it means anything. i am minuscule. i am writing this in a language that my descendants won't even understand. my descendants will be writing in a language the aliens won't be able to interpret. the aliens haven't even contacted us yet. the aliens are still out there.

and i am here. and once again i can't put it all into words. i am failing. i am failing to explain myself.

there are so many up there. there are so many twinkles of faraway gas. and what to do with them? what to do with the stars besides study them and wonder and misunderstand and jump to conclusions? we are so very limited. everything is so short. everything is so weak. and... false. science rules my life, but why is science the way it is???

why are the rules of the universe the way they are? how did the world end up like this? i will never know what the purpose is, because there is no purpose. the very fact that we are all here was just one big mistake. one massive coincidence. one probability to another to another to another to another to another and to another. succession. dominos.

sometimes i wish i could just cry. but i am just... unfathomably incapable of emotions nowadays. i lost the outward expression but none of the inward stuff. so now there is no outlet.

i am just in my driveway, leaning up against my family's car. it is so clear and i have music running into my ears and sugar running through my blood from the chocolate i ate earlier.

if i could walk down onto the road without disturbing my dog, i would. if i could walk into the road in front of a car without disturbing myself, i would. i am searching.

and this is all so very dull and normal and expected. every teen has been through a night like this one. language does not stretch the lengths of what i am feeling. the teens know. language does not do our emotions justice. language only very barely outlines the most basic ideas.

if i could plant somebody inside my brain, i would. if you think about it, it's all trapped in there. there is so much that will never get out. everyone carries around their prison of contemplation and wonderment inside their skull. it is just a piece of us that goes with us from room to room.

it is a kind of misery, but a fascinating kind of misery. i am so tired, but sleep cannot solve my fatigue. i am so lonely, but companionship, cannot solve my isolation. i am longing for everything. novelty, discovery, education, connection, sex, conversation, motivation, progress, power, control, satisfaction... everything.

there was no point to writing this but documentation. i have work tomorrow and this is the state of mind i have to sleep off tonight. it's going to be a tough job, but i will wake with enough energy to shake off this feeling, at least for a little while. at least until the stars come out again.