i'm soooo sorry for the delay
this was a struggle to write ngl
i hope it's worth the wait
the end was so unplanned so
idk

- 26 -

I didn't want to see my dad.

If there was anyone in the world that just knew when I was at my weakest, it was my father. He had a sixth sense for it, feeding on the vulnerability like it was his life source. Even on my better days when something wasn't bothering me, he'd create an issue. It was part of the reason I felt so indifferent about him.

And now that I was truly vulnerable, he was going to feast.

I waited in the green room. Noah joined my family in VIP for my show and security was currently helping them backstage. It had been a while since my whole family attended a show together. Mom didn't like loud spaces and Dad just didn't care for me—or my music—very much. I cracked open a beer as a cheers to a solid performance and offered Kailey one, who was nursing a hangover from Hell.

"Your dad's here?" she asked, looking displeased.

There may have been some history between my father and Kailey. Since he was a known bigot and voiced his opinions loudly and proudly, she had no problem arguing with him. The first time they met, she called him out for his blatant racist comment so bad that his face turned tomato red and he nearly popped a blood vessel in his neck. It was funny at the time, but now I was wary of their coming interaction. While I was all for my dad getting his karma, I really didn't want any more drama.

"Behave, please," was all I said.

"Coming from you?" Kailey scoffed, just as Lina skipped into the green room. I just sipped my beer and watched as my sister hugged my drummer. Following behind her was Noah, then my dad, then my mom.

Mom liked Kailey. "Hey, you!" she said and hugged Kailey, who looked uncomfortable with all the hugging. I snorted as Dad made his way over to me.

"Theodore," he nodded in acknowledgment.

I nodded back. Hopefully that was the extent of our conversation for the evening. Mom started helping herself to the snacks on the table, Dad stood behind one of the couches and tried to make small talk with Ryan, and Noah sunk into the couch across from me. I really hoped my father hadn't spoken to him. Surely he'd have little kind words for Noah since his words in general were rarely the likes.

Normally after a show, I was down to party. With this crowd, however, I was willing to call it a night early on. With my mom on the brink of a mood switch at the drop of a hat, my dad being the biggest buzzkill I'd ever seen, and Noah being sober, it hardly felt like an appropriate call for celebration. Still, it was rare to have the family all together like this. Lina was probably over the moon since she was our designated middle man, holding unconditional love for all of us even though we were all equally terrible people. That was what family was all about, or so I'd heard. Guess I never got the memo.

"How about pizza and beer at my place?" Lina suggested, looking around with a big smile. "Kailey, you should come, too! Invite Chris and Oscar. It'll be fun."

Fun isn't necessarily the word I'd use to describe what was sure to turn out to be a shit show. Put some alcohol in my parents bellies and they'd do one, or both, of the following: blow up on each other in a fiery explosion, always pent up from the last fifteen or so years, or end up rehashing their age-old lust for each other, hook up, and go back to hating each other the next day. It was always something.

"I think Chris and Oscar are going to some bar in the city but I'll come," Kailey said with a smile.

Dad huffed. I shot him a look, the ice penetrating his entire being with just my glare, so much so that he felt it across the room. "What?" he said innocently.

I just rolled my eyes. Lina clapped her hands together. "I'll order the pizza on the way! Are you still vegan, Kailey?" she asked, earning an appreciative nod from the drummer.

"Veganism is such an idiotic trend," I heard my father muttering to Lina as they walked out of the green room. Kailey, who heard the statement clear as day, shot me an exasperated look. I shrugged, not really having any control of what comes out of my dad's mouth these days. She just sighed as she followed my mom out of the room.

Noah stood up. I wondered if he felt trapped here. Ever since my confession during sex, we'd hardly spoken. There were the typical pleasantries to appease current company so as not to raise any suspicion—which was fucking stupid. Other than my father, there was nobody worth hiding our more-than-friendship from. Lina wouldn't care, my mom practically spelled it out that she knew, and was okay with, having a queer son, and I was pretty sure Kailey was kind of gay herself. So why did it have to be such a secret?

I guess it was down to his inability to commit. Not that I could blame him. He wasn't even free from the shackles of his last 'relationship,' if you could even call it that.

There was no way of curing Noah from his heartache. I knew that. But I could make him happy. I was sure of it. I supposed for someone like Noah, which all of his history and reputations and past experiences, happiness seemed as rare as hen's teeth. Was it?

"Russo," I called out before he could leave the room.

He paused and turned to me. "Yeah?"

Time stood still for just a second and a half. I'd never get used to his beauty.

"If you want to pretend like I never said it, I'm okay with it."

Noah frowned. I didn't know how to take that. "Does pretending you didn't say it include pretending that you didn't mean it?" he asked. I was taken aback, my hands falling to my sides. What the hell was that supposed to mean? Noah bit his bottom lip and looked at the floor. "I'm not upset that you said it. Or scared off, if that's what you think."

"You're not?" I asked in surprise.

All this time I'd assumed he'd shut me out because he couldn't handle such expansive feelings. I was sure of it, really. He hadn't so much as kissed me since that day. Every night, he slept on the floor on a mound of blankets. I didn't question it, either, because that was just what we did. I put myself out there and he processed.

"I'm a big boy. I'm not afraid of the 'L' word."

This time, I frowned. "Then why . . ." I started, stepping closer to him. This conversation was weird and I wasn't sure what direction we were going. "This is the most we've spoken in two days."

Noah nodded, eyes still trained on the floor in—what? shame? reluctance? "I'm weighing my options," he said finally.

"Your options. Right," I mumbled, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Not like that, damn it. By the way, I only told Lina I had options because I was trying to cover my ass. I have no options. No serious ones, at least. None like . . . you."

I took a deep breath. He finally decided to look up and meet my eyes. A warm, inviting gaze lured me in and I took another step closer. "So what options were you weighing, then?" I asked, reaching up to touch the chain around his neck. I watched his chest rise with every new breath, his eyes stuck on my face.

"Well," he began, sucking on his bottom lip and then releasing it. A shimmer caught my eye, slick with saliva, and I wanted to lick it. "I'm obviously very fucked up. I broke my sobriety twice on this tour so far. I've still got David calling me every waking hour. I'm not even really sure how to be in a healthy relationship . . . and then there's you."

"What about me?"

Noah looked away. "I can't figure out if you're good or bad for me."

His chain fell back onto his chest softly. I retracted my hand. All I'd wanted when I realized my feelings for Noah was to be good for him. I wanted to be good for him. He was a precious flower that had been stomped to the ground before he'd had the chance to bloom. For me, I wanted to be his second chance. To give him a hand at finally blooming in all that I knew he could be.

But I knew it took work. Work that I might not have been prepared to put time into, but I wanted to try. I'd dig out the rotten seeds and replant new ones. I'd tend to his every waking moment, water him until he grew the way he was supposed to. Leave him to tint the summer breeze with sweet floral notes until the world recognized his beauty the way that I saw it.

"Does this mean you love me back?" I asked, my voice coming out uncharacteristically timid.

Noah's lips quirked and our eyes met again. "Of course I love you, Theo. It's just . . . It's more complicated than how I feel. You know that."

Of course I love you, Theo.

I nodded, feeling the urge to run as fast as I could, or to put him in my pocket and keep him warm. Noah closed the gap between us and hooked a hand around the back of my neck, pulling me towards him. We kissed with him half-sitting on the back of the couch and my body slotted between his open legs. I looped my arms around his waist and pulled him impossibly closer, enticing a small sound from the boy's mouth against mine.

Just knowing he loved me could be enough. Even if I couldn't have him wholly.

We might have been there kissing for hours. I had forgotten about my family that was probably halfway to Lina's house, about Kailey's vegan pizza, about the ache I'd felt for the past two and a half days, about the man in charge of breaking my Noah's heart. When he kissed me, it was like my mind cleared. It was just him.

I hardly registered the clearing of someone's throat behind me. "Theodore."

We broke apart and I turned my head, springing away from Noah's body at the sight of my father standing in the doorway. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. Maybe he had, in his mind. The ghost of the son he once had. Now I was someone he wouldn't know, nor respect.

"Lina's waiting," Dad said harshly before he left the green room.

Noah stayed where he was, his chest rising and falling to the beat of my own breathing. I felt my chest cave with anxiety, but for once, his expression remained unfazed. I ran a hand through my hair and tugged at the roots, keeping my eyes on Noah as if the sight of him would ground me. It normally did.

"Fuck," I breathed. "Fuck."

"You already came out to your mom," Noah said, dropping to his feet and placing a gentle hand on my elbow. "What's the worst he can do?"

I faced him and pulled him towards me. "I'm not worried about him. This is just going to really ruin things for Lina. She wanted this to be a good night with the family all together. Now she's gonna be pissed at me because Dad's gonna be an asshole and probably piss me off and then I'll start a fight and it'll end up with one of us getting punched—"

Noah interrupted my freaking out with a kiss. I melted into him, instantly forgetting what I was saying. When he pulled away, he pecked my cheek. "It's gonna be okay," he said and I believed him. "Let's just go eat pizza and pretend he's not even in the room."

"Are we still pretending you're straight around my family, too?"

He looked at the ceiling in thought for a second before he shrugged. "Well, the cat's out of the bag, so I guess not," he said and I smiled, kissing him quickly on the lips. We walked with his hand tucked in mine until we reached the exit, then promptly broke apart when we heard fans chattering outside.

I could love this man conditionally if that's what it took.

-

The air was a bit stale at Lina's.

I guessed my father had spilled the beans about what he'd seen in the green room. While neither Lina nor my mother were surprised, my father's energy had a way of affecting the entire room. His discomfort and clear disgust was like a dark cloud over everyone's heads. I sat on the couch and Noah sat on the floor with Kailey.

The pizza had just arrived and we were all enjoying it with attempted small talk between Mom and Ryan. Lina was glaring between me and Dad, clearly unsure of who to blame for the shift in mood.

"This is really good," Kailey said in an attempt to make light in the room.

I glanced at Dad. He wasn't looking at me. In fact, he'd refused to from the moment I stepped into the house. I normally wouldn't mind except for the fact that his eyes were trained on Noah, who was munching innocently on his pizza. My eyebrows furrowed, my appetite long since left me.

Lina cleared her throat. "Dad, if you have something to say to Theo then just get it over with."

My gaze shot to my sister in surprise. She was never one to instigate the arguments. The polar opposite, really, playing some form of referee to mediate and call us out for going too far. This was out of character for her. Or maybe it wasn't. Lina supported me through every single choice I'd made in my life, career, and more. It sent a wave of warmth over me to know that my sexuality wasn't an exception.

"I have nothing to say to him."

"Sure ya' do, Mike," Kailey piped in, seizing any opportunity to corner my father in tight situations he couldn't get out of. "Let's hear it."

Mom just sipped at her glass of wine with impassive eyes. That was one of the reasons her and I were never very close. She'd rather my father and I duke it out like men than step in and point blame where blame was due. I was used to it.

My father's nostrils flared as he set his beer down on the coffee table and leaned back, fingers clasped together atop his stomach. "I just found out my son's a cocksucker. I'm allowed to be confused and disappointed," he said, still avoiding looking at me. He raised one hand to gesture towards Noah. "And this one . . ."

"Don't talk about him," I warned, feeling my blood pressure rising with every word he spat out.

Noah straightened his back. "No. I want to hear it."

I shook my head, wanting to protest, but my father beat me to it. "I thought I made myself clear when I told you to stay away from Theodore after I saw you with that sleazy manager," Dad spat, body language reserved but his voice oozing with malice. My blood ran cold.

"What?" was all I could manage.

Dad scoffed. "Saw him messing around with . . . what was his name? Your old manager, Theodore? Doesn't matter. I saw them up to no good at one of your parties," he said, tongue practically dripping with narcissism. "I didn't want him trying any of that gay shit with you so I told him to back off. Guess it didn't stick."

I couldn't breathe all of a sudden. "You knew?"

"Theo—" Noah started to say, but all I could see was red.

"No, hold the fuck on," I said, feeling absolutely no guilt for starting this in front of Lina and Kailey. "You knew that MacNeil was—" I had to stop. What I wanted to say was sure to upset Noah. Never mind the fact that he had basically scared Noah off, but he witnessed the horrors of David MacNeil and didn't do a damn thing about it. "You . . ."

Noah was next to me. I didn't realize I had risen to my feet to stand over my father, who looked put off by my sudden aggression. "Theo, please," Noah begged, grasping my bicep, but it wasn't enough to snap me out of this unfurling anger towards my own father.

My kin. The man that raised me. A man so weak, so arrogant, that he'd willingly overlook an innocent Noah—likely under the age of sixteen at that point—because of the sexual nature of the crime. Two men. Sure, let a grown man take advantage of a vulnerable minor, but God for-fucking-bid it was a same sex pairing.

"You know what, Dad? I am a cocksucker," I spat, all too aware of how silent the room was around me. My eyes briefly flitted around the room and recognized a variety of expressions: shock from Noah, confusion from Mom, discomfort from Ryan, despair from Lina, and a peculiar joy from Kailey. Dad sneered at me, his face turning red. "But I'm ten times the man you are. You're dead to me."

I stormed off to the bedroom with Noah hot on my heels. Before I slammed the door behind me, I heard Lina say, "You need to go."