very sorry for the delay
haven't had the motivation
to write much lately

- 25 -

I'd like to swim in Noah's trepid waters, pause to drink them up, then plunge head-first into the depths of his pain and pathos.

It would only be fair, after all, to experience the extent of all of the things that haunt him when his mouth takes me to heaven. Every time our eyes met while his lips wrapped around my cock, I could feel myself falling harder and at a frightening speed. It sent shivers up my spine, amplifying the immense pleasure he was sharing.

"God, Noah . . ." I huffed, resisting the urge to fall back onto the mattress from my upright position. He was on his knees and elbows, back arched so that his ass was perked in the air, only hidden by his tight black briefs. I took a handful of his unruly mop of brown hair and yanked him towards my hips, feeling the sound he made nearly as vividly as I heard it. My cock slid further into the shallow warmth of his throat and he choked, pulling off with a string of saliva still connecting the two of us.

I half expected him to resent that, but instead he just looked up at me with a sleepy smile, his tongue slipping out across his lips. His hands, so soft and delicate and capable of mass destruction of my heart, slid up over my hipbones and over the corners of my belly, causing heat to stir all through my body. Noah suckled on the head of my cock, not taking more than that just to tease me, popping off with a satisfying sound a few times.

My hand found the spot between his shoulder blades and ran up the divot in the center of his back. I dipped my fingers in the dimples at the bottom of his spine like a bowling ball until I reached his ass, perfectly in the air for my own use. I bent over with my cock still being tasted and kitten licked by Noah, this time taking two handfuls of his ass, squeezing generously. He moaned against me.

"Turn around," I ordered and he submitted to my request.

Soon he was in the same position except even more. His face was flush with the comforter and his perfect ass was in the air for me, milky bottoms of his thighs serving as a waterfall down to the bed, spread just so to create an arch in his back. I let out a sound that was awfully akin to a whimper just at the sight.

Anything that came out of my mouth from that point on was incoherent mumbles. "You're just so—" I hooked two fingers in the waistband of his underwear and tugged down inch by inch, slowly exposing his ass. No woman I'd ever been with had this effect on me. I swallowed the growing lump in my throat and licked my lips. Finally, we were both completely bare.

I slipped my thumb down between his cheeks with his perfect pink hole in my direct eyeline. He was shaven and groomed, completely unflawed. It almost didn't sit right with me.

Was this his choice, or someone else's?

Noah's cock dangled between his legs so I dipped a hand around to grab it, stroking him slowly. He flinched when I spit on his ass, my right hand spreading the saliva over his hole. "I have lube in my bag," he finally said. "And condoms."

"Not yet," I said before I took a chance and dropped my head close to his ass. I had never eaten ass before, never thought I would really, but now it was all I wanted. With my other hand still jerking him off, I decided, fuck it. I licked a stripe from the top of the crack and down to the perineum, then back. Noah gasped, surely not expecting me to do this either. "Is this— Can I?"

Noah's response was as heedy as it was hasty. "Please."

I circled my tongue around his hole, lapping up and down before even attempting to prod. He shifted on his knees, almost like he was trying to get closer. He wanted me in him and he wanted me in him now. So I obliged, straightening my tongue and plunging it into his hole like an underachieving preview of my cock. I tried my best as I couldn't possibly see the pleasure in this for him, but he was rocking his hips against my face to the point where I had to abandon his cock to use both hands to hold him steady.

The soft moans from Noah indicated that he fucking liked this. I might have liked it more.

I don't know how long it went on. I devoured Noah like he was my last meal, squeezing his ass on either side of my head while I ate his hole. His sounds of pleasure seeped into my skin like the first sunny day of March. But my cock was aching in my lap and I desperately wanted to feel what it would be like to fully connect with Noah, to become one with his body and fuse our frustrations together. I needed to fuck him now.

"Where's the—" I stopped, forgetting what it was called.

Noah pushed himself up on his palms, still on his knees. His hole was slick with spit and wet and puckering for me and I was going to bust so fast. "Front pocket," was all he said and I was on my feet, fully erect cock smacking against my thigh when I stood.

I found the lube and condom and resumed my position behind Noah. But not being able to see his face simply wouldn't do. "Flip over," I said and he did. His cheeks and chest were rouged, flushed exclusively from the work of my mouth.

Those brown eyes watched me closely as I tore open the condom wrapper and rolled it over my cock, then lathered the lube on both of us. I slicked my finger for good measure. Noah laid back against the pillows, eyes half-lidded and cock leaking with precum on his stomach. I hooked an arm under his right leg and swung his ankle over my shoulder.

"Are you . . ." I asked, still keeping on with my pattern of incomplete thoughts.

"Yes, yes, Theo, I'm ready."

I gently used my finger as a precursor, more than my tongue but less than my cock. I had no idea how it felt to get penetrated in the ass, didn't really have much interest in finding out either. But I knew it had to hurt. And that was the last thing I wanted to do to my Noah. He watched me with his cock in hand, slowly stroking it to the rhythm of my finger. After two, then three fingers made me feel confident that he was prepared enough, I stroked myself twice before lining up.

"Will it hurt?" I asked. The last time I was with a man, he hardly flinched when I fucked him. Then again, I was also coming down from mushrooms and was relatively cross-faded, so I may have just overlooked it.

Noah shook his head. "No, it should be fine."

I hesitated for only a beat before I used two fingers to push myself in. My first thought: tight, tight, so fucking tight, and warm, and so god damn tight it almost hurts. My second thought: I have never had sex with anyone I've loved before and that must be why this is the most pleasure I've ever felt in my life.

His teeth sunk into his bottom lip while his eyes focused down below, at the amalgamation of our bodies, at his red and festering cock, at my hips carefully making their way to meet the backs of his thighs. I tightened my grip on his leg, turned my head, and pressed a kiss to his ankle. Noah's chest was still flushed pink a little past his nipples, but then the rest of his slim waist that tapered off before pushing out into his sweet little hips, was just smooth white. When I bottomed out, I took a second to catch my breath from the sheer tightening around my cock before beginning to pull back.

"Don't go easy on me, Thorne."

And that subtle reminder, the spat reference by my last name, was all I needed. This wasn't some fairytale making of love to Noah. It wasn't intimate, at least not in the meaningful way. I was simply fucking him and that was that.

So I did.

I reigned back until just the head of my cock was in, then jutted my hips forward halfway, and rinse, repeat. I fucked him—only halfway, until I decided enough was enough. Somehow, I got Noah's other ankle over my other shoulder, fully open for my hips. I fucked him hard, and I fucked him deep. Just like how he wanted.

There was no need to linger, or pause to kiss him, or keep my fingertips gentle on his thighs, because this was just sex. It was just an exchange of pleasure. I loved him, would fight for him, but ultimately would follow his lead. This was what he wanted.

But that nagging voice in the back of my head begged me to just say it. Tell him how I feel and maybe he'll see something he didn't notice before. Maybe, just maybe, he loved me back and was too afraid to admit it. I bit down on my cheek, breathing hard through my nose, relishing in the moans Noah was screaming into the void. It wasn't a void; it was me. I was here, listening, learning, feeling, absorbing. I was here for him to lean on, to cry with, to try for.

This was just sex.

"I love you."

I wasn't sure I even said it. If I did, Noah gave little to no indication of hearing it. He continued to grip the pillow behind his head, crying out in pain and pleasure. I was ignored.

We only made it to two positions before I was reaching my climax, a hot, heavy sensation starting in my core and making it's way through the rest of my body like lava. It seared my bones and eventually my nerve-endings. I gripped his hips with his head buried in the pillows, cried out his name and came without pulling out.

I reached around and made sure he finished, too, which didn't take long. He slumped onto the bed a flattened, fucked mess. I tried to hold myself up to avoid collapsing on top of him and ultimately ended up rolling over, halfway on him anyways. Noah let out an elongated, delayed moan when he flipped onto his back, cum smeared on his stomach and surely on the comforter underneath him.

Was I supposed to wait for him to acknowledge what I said? Or was I supposed to bring it up? It was a double-edged sword.

"Damn . . ." I breathed out into the air. Sunlight filtered through the open blinds, pouring onto Noah's bare body. He almost appeared to be glowing in angelic light.

He didn't say anything for a while and I wondered if he may have fell asleep. I was too afraid to check. My words lingered in the air like static energy, but maybe I was the only one who felt it. I didn't say them quietly; he had to have heard them. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have let it out in this cursed moment that was supposed to be divine.

Finally, Noah sat up. "I'm gonna take another shower."

I gulped. He stood and grabbed some clothes from his bag, a bit of a lag in his walk. My heart was beginning to pick up pace just as it had started to come back down. "Noah—" I started to say, but he didn't stop.

He left the room, leaving behind the loudest silence heard 'round the world.

—

I had fallen asleep waiting for him to come back. It was nearing six o'clock in the evening when I woke back up and I could hear my sister's voice in the living room.

A dull throb rattled my brain. My heart immediately sunk in my chest when I remembered all that transpired before I fell asleep. I told him I love him. What was I thinking? That was a completely sober mistake, which made it even worse. I mean, I was a bit hazy-brained because of Noah's ass, but that wasn't a solid enough excuse.

I drew myself out of bed and pulled on some pants, not bothering with a shirt since present company wouldn't expect much more than that. The smell of phenomenal cooking wafted to my nose as soon as I opened the door and my mouth watered. I had worked up quite the appetite with the day's previous endeavors.

Lina shoved into my body as soon as I rounded the corner. "Oh! I was just coming to get you for supper," she said and turned back around. "I hope you're hungry because I made enough to feed a small village."

"Famished," I mumbled. "Got any painkillers? Preferably stronger than Tylenol."

"I have Tylenol in the medicine cabinet. I'll make you a plate."

After downing four pills with the help of water straight from the bathroom sink, I made my way to the dining room. The food looked incredible, to no one's surprise, and Lina was just setting plates down in front of Noah and for the empty seat across from him. Since Ryan was already seated, I assumed it was for me.

I avoided Noah's eyes even though I knew he was looking at me. "Looks amazing," I said half-heartedly. "Remind me why you won't let me open a restaurant for you."

Lina snorted as she took the seat across from Ryan beside me. "Because I don't want a restaurant. I'm in school for early education, dummy," she said. I made a face, but dug into the food regardless. At least someone—Ryan, mainly, but also me—gets to experience her cooking. "How was Mom?"

Not wanting to talk about it, I just shrugged. Noah answered for me. "She seemed okay to me."

"That's good," Lina said and then it was quiet. I must have killed the plentiful conversation by coming out here, how typical. "Why did you sleep on the couch last night, Noah, and not my selfish brother?"

I shot him a look, one that said, Go on, tell her. He fidgeted under my eyes and looked away, instead shoveling a forkful of food in his mouth instead. I rolled my eyes. "I snore and he's a very light sleeper. Must have had enough in the middle of the night," I said, saving face for literally no one since Lina already knew something was between us and she probably told Ryan. If Noah wanted to believe that his sexuality was a big secret, then whatever.

"Since when do you snore?" Lina asked in horror. "Oh, God. Like Dad?"

"Yeah," was all I managed to say, unwilling to deepen this useless lie.

Noah sighed. It was subtle enough that Lina probably didn't even notice, but I did. He pushed the rice around on his plate but didn't make any move to eat anymore. Ryan started talking about something that happened in one of his classes earlier and I tried to pay attention, but how could I when something catastrophic happened, but no one even knew?

I wasn't sure if there would ever be a right time to admit my feelings to Noah. There were certainly a million and one wrong times, though. And I may have chosen the worst wrong time.

Just this morning, I silently agreed not to stake claims on him. Maybe I didn't mean it. What if I didn't even love him? I could have been mistaking love as affection. It didn't need to come to deep feelings like that. We had fun together.

Fun.

I was used to fun. The past ten years of my life were nothing but fun without strings attached. Now here I was, having more fun than I ever thought with my estranged co-star from childhood, yet I couldn't seem to shake him. It was a deadly mix of safeguarding and preservation and delirium and lust—and just a touch of enamor. It felt like . . . like every moment since I was twelve walking the red carpet for RTS had lead to reconciling our friendship and I'm absolutely blowing it.

But he wouldn't see it that way. How could he? Every moment since he walked that same red carpet has been nothing but a downhill slurry of abuse and neglect. If every moment of his life lead up to loving me back, what does that say about me? That I was some second-chance savior from the past ready to accept his secondhand pieces with open arms?

It wasn't fair, but it totally was.

I had no right to tell him I love him. He was healing from his own misconstrued perception of the "love" he'd received over the years—from MacNeil, from his mom, from his fans that dropped him as soon as he shattered the illusionary glass surrounding him. It was a cry for help before we even knew it.

If only I'd heard it sooner. Then maybe he could love me back.