Hello my little stars☆

So remember my last announcement type book?

¡This is for awarness now!

Just know

DO NOT TREAT ME DIFFERENTLY

I got enough courage to talk about this, the only way to respect it is to..

TREAT ME THE SAME.

If you cannot thats acceptable just try.. Please.

WARNINGS

everything said here is REAL

nothing is a lie

Talks about stuff like $u¡c¡d3, wanting d3@th and more VERY serious topics. This will be the ONLY time the words are censored. If it makes you uncomfortable please know you can just not read this book. This is for awareness yes but comfortablility is more important.

IMPORTANT NOTES

Hate or harassment will be met with me deleting your comment

You will have a 3 strike rule.

One strike per offensive comment/reply

YOU ARE ALLOWED TO VENT.

Jokes to lighten up the mood is ALRIGHT unless it goes too far but if it was unintentional I will NOT give you a strike.

I will use my notes to keep track of strikes.

CALLING OTHERS OVERDRAMATIC FOR BEING SAD OF SOMETHING WILL BE MET WITH 2 STRIKES.

after 3 strikes had been struck you will be blocked and put on the end of this chapter as apart of the
"Struck down" list.

It is to avoid people asking stuff like "why can't my friend see your profile?" Ect ect.

YOU CAN BE FORGIVEN IF YOU GET STRUCK DOWN.

Only if the person does a PROPER apology and the person who they hurt forgives them.

We are all human, I DON'T CARE IF YOUR "UgLy" because your " bLaCk" I DON'T CARE IF YOU LOOK LIKE ANYTHING! We are human. We are people. Looks is NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I care about personality. Don't ever think your ugly. There is a reason why its "think" and not "know" because you aren't sure. Let others who supports you be your eyes. Look at yourself in the mirror. Face the reality.

You are beautiful no matter what

AWARNESS

We have now finished the start up, and its time for the main thing.

The other book there wasn't anyone who described my personality so I won't put pictures here.

(It is fine)

So I'll put some compliments I've been told.

OMGG SO KIND!

Your the kindest person in the world

You should have "most joyful"

...

Tell me, after reading that do you think I'm happy?

No.

"Why?"

You may ask?

I have been suicidal since 10.

I WANTED TO DIE AT TEN YEARS OLD.

I wished death on myself so much.

Why?

Because I was bullied. Ones laughter at someone becomes ones biggest fear.

At the next semester my bully changed schools, so I was fine.

Till it wasn't

My parents had the BRILLIANT idea to MAKE ME ENROLL TO THAT SCHOOL TOO.

My father said it first, my first reaction?

MEMORIES OF HIS BULLYING CAME BACK.

It was as if my freedom and happiness got taken away AGAIN.

I ended the conversation as soon as I could. Then guess what?

I want to my room and cried.

I cried and cried.

His laughter echoing my ears.

Some time later I did enroll with him..

HE CHANGED?!

One semester of bullying he became the boy I once knew..

Kind, loving, forgiving.

...

I wanna die so badly..

Tell me my little stars☆..

Did you think I wanna die before reading this?

..

"No"

would be your reply right?

This is an example. My life is just a pathetic example.

NOT EVERY SUICIDAL PERSON IS SAD.

Some are happy. Some are sad. Some smile. Some are so joyful you wouldn't expect it. They only have one thing in common..

They hide their want for death.

NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE THE MOVIES WHERE THE CHARACTER IS

"I'm SooOOOOOooo SaD I waNNa DiE"

Not everyone is like that. Some are, some aren't.

People like me. Who felt pain. Who felt true pain. We never wanted this. Yet here we are.

You know.. I cried THREE times at school?

First time

(Its a conversation)

Juillienne/author:"I don't know my country's language.."

[context, that was the cause of most of my bullying and people would guilt trip me or even shout at me for it.]

teacher:"if its not your time to learn it, then you shouldn't force yourself."

Those words.. Simple words..

MADE ME CRY.

the teacher even said it was okay to cry and to ignore me..

At that moment, I felt like crying.

Not like sad tears

But tears of happiness.?

I finally found someone who would treat me with care not caring about my lack of knowledge.

Second time

We were doing board work for math, nothing special

(The teacher left the room for reasonss)

The teacher SPECIFICALLY wanted arrows with a symbol(like divide symbol times symbol ect) pointing to another starting at another number signfying times or divide or whatever symbollll

I was doing my work efficiently as I remembered!.. I was proud of it!

My classmates saw mine and laughed at it.. They called it

Messy

And laughed saying how the teacher would never understand it.. I told them to focus on their work, what was it met with?

They said they weren't talking to me and laughed.

That was one of the main bullying I endured at 10 too.. Constant talking about me and then the "I didn't talk to you".. I just did what I felt was needes..

I erased my boardwork

And re-did it since.. It was messy anyways.. So a quick re-do is in place.. we had to do 2 questions.. I erased one, and re-did it.. I felt.. like the other was needed to be cleaned up so I did.. When I was done they went and..

Called my work messy again..

So I decided to redo it.. I didn't finish one yet and the teafher went in.. I felt betrayed.. My thoughts were "Why did you listen to them?" "You didn't finish ONE."

When it was time to present our work..

One of them who didn't laugh at mine?

(I think?)

Work was so messy they couldn't understand it..

When it was time for me.. It was all

WRONG

that day all of us got math WRONG.

I was at my table and then.. tears fell out.. Why? Because I listened to bullied.

"Stop crying" 

"You disappointment of a daughter!"

"Why cry huh? Your useless"

Was probably my thoughts..

(I say probably as it was a few weeks ago and I forgot..)

Third time

(We had to present something, we had only school hours to prepare as we got told it at school)

I was making a script as my classmate kept trying to peek to check.

I told them i was going to say it out loud anyways

They didn't listen.

They kept at it back to back..

Till my patience ran out

I took my paper as they tried to peek as I smacked them with it.
(It wasn't hard just a weak smack, like a warning type, I think it either hit their arm or waist)

...

I did something out of anger..

Or was it uncomfortablity?

I wasn't comfortable showing it. They overstepped my bounderies yet what happens?

Classmate:"Poor *classmate who I hit name*"

Teacher:"Don't hit your classmate!"

...

THEY OVERSTEPPED MY BOUNDERIOUS AND YET WHEN I RETALIATE ITS SUDDENLY MY FAULT?!

..

I'm so done with life.

It was time to present and behold I didn't finish my script.

"Why?"

Because MY CLASSMATE KEPT PEEKING AND I COULDN'T DO MY SCRIPT AND STOP THEM.

"Should've just shown it."

I didn't feel comfortable.

DOES MY FEELINGS NOT MATTER ANYMORE?!

...

I wanna be dead so badly.

Yet I can't bring a knife to my neck..

And finally die..

If I do the blood will be a mess.. The knife would be.. Disgusting to use.. Oh my dead body?

Not like anyone cares.

If I die oh well then bye bye🤪🤣

Back to the story haha!

When it was time to present someone went firsr, I was second to present.. I just cried. From the uncomfortablilty and the words "poor *classmates name*" they don't know MY side yet say that.. I remember those thoughts. The thoughts were like this

"Stop crying!"

"Your so useless"

"Die already!"

"Crying is bad they said, so your bad."

"You're the oldest in your class and yet you can't even be a good example?"

(We are the same age, but if you include birthday I'm older.)

Those words haunt me. People noticed and blah blah.

Death should've happened.

Hey, wouldn't it be funny if I made my life as a book to make fun of myself?

HILARIOUS right?

Oh yeah, I also enjoy my pain and sufferingXDDD

Oh and the real reason for this all to be told is to show

NOT EVERY HAPPY/JOYFUL PERSON IS ALWAYS HAPPY/JOYFUL.

Some are just.. Hiding behind something.

Look at me!

I am hiding under the user

starlight4lif3

My real name hidden from the world.

And one more reasoning to learn from this.

"Not every fat person over eats too."

I am fat.

Its my biggest insecurity.

My stomach can be seen..

Some time ago we took a BMI test..

I am scared to say..

I got 30.6.. It means obese..

No!

Not every obese person has health problems I am fine!..

My stomach isn't that big.. Rigjt?..

Anyways, wanted to say I barelt eat because of that.

My eating schedule:

Breakfast: skipped if can.

Lunch: one spoonful.

Dinner: small amount

Hah.. I can't even follow that.!.. I keep eating breakfast even if its a few spoonfuls like.. 4 spoonfuls?.. I eat 2 spoonfuls for lunch.. And keep forgetting that dinner should be a small amount..

I am so fat.

I wanna die.

"Weight isn't everything"

WELL IT IS TO ME!

do you know the feeling of constantly being fat shamed by your mother?

No!

My family fat shames me and just assumed I'm alright with it..

Only my cousins, aunt, and uncle doesn't fat shame me..

The resr of them?

DEAD.

by? Old age Or lung failure.

(That probably had some of you thinking they got murdered so I bad to add that last part-)

My mom, dad, brother all fat shame me.

It is not funny

They are the cause of my suicidal thoughts.

I cannot look at my body in a mirror without looking at my stomach and trying to hide it.

I cannot be myself anymore.

I am insecure of myself, my body, my personality, and my studies.

I hate my habits.

I hate everything about myself.

Oh and you know my OC starlight?

She..

Is actually is the person I wish I was.

Happy, joyful, always smiling..

Perfect

I didn't make her smart, I didn't make her an idiot. I made her as smart as me because..

I am okay with my smarts

She is perfect.

The girl I wish I was.

Sure her looks are.. Questionable but...

She is proud and happy of it.

She isn't insecure, sad, she doesn't want death.

...

Please my little stars☆..

I say it once, I'll say it twice.

Dont treat me differently.

You can go comfort me here.

Not my message board, not other books, not other conversations.. If you do its okay just..

I request if you wanna comfort me please do it here..

Think of this as a lesson my stars☆..

Not everyone who smiles or acts happy is really happy.

..

Love you all my little stars♡☆

STRUCK DOWN

(No one so far, hopefully it stays like) (this)

And please know.. It took lots of courage to say this out loud for anyone to see.. Including my BMI.. Hey.. If you know someone who has a similar experience maybe they can relate..

Or maybe the chances happened and your someone I know IRL.. If so don't bother talking to me about this.

I dont want to be comforted.

in short I hate the feeling. Leave me be.

10/16/24