No llores. That was the only thing Shel could think of as she had another breakdown.

    Over and over. Around in an endless cycle of feeling okay, helping others, forgetting yourself, and dealing with your feelings. Then you start feeling alright, maybe help some people out. But you neglect yourself, so you need to build back up again. Finally, Shel felt a bit happier again. She smiled and genuinely meant it. Her mind began to find itself and help her think when flipping arepas on the stove. And she'd made new friends, and they desperately needed help. And help. And more help. And it triggered her again. She just pushed it down; 97% of women deal with that shit. She's not special. Now it was crashing down.

    There was nothing Shel could do for now. The only option would be to let everything crash and burn and start rebuilding once the ashes settle.

    So, she warmed up to a random video she found and watched in resignation as her brain shut down. She'd have to do something about it later, but it was about getting through the day right now. Deal with it later. And make sure no one found out. Shelby didn't like putting her weight on other people; she also didn't like to show that she was fucked up in front of other people.

    She trusted Piper. She fucking loved Piper. But the last time she was vulnerable with someone else, he put drugs in her drink. She knew Piper wasn't like that, yet her acute anxiety disorder prevented her from letting go.

    Shel always said that her SA only affected her sex drive, but Shel was a good liar. She avoided parties; she hated wearing oversized clothes because that's what he found sexy. She never let anyone but her parents hold her drink. Not even Leona. No one knows she has a diagnosed anxiety disorder. No one knows that she kept everyone at arm's length, even if she "adopted" people. She just gave advice; it was nothing revolutionary. Hell, the only reason Shel had actual friends now was that Sadie took a liking to her.

    Honestly, Shel doubted she would have let that happen without exposure therapy, CBT, and meds. But mental health is expensive, so she had to lose the CBT and conduct her own exposure therapy.

    Over and over and over, purposefully doing things that she feared would trigger a panic attack until one day, she got used to it. It was much more complicated without a professional, and Shel doubted she was doing it correctly.

    She allowed herself to show some emotion. People expect tears when talking about SA. In fact, that's less abnormal than just staring into space, wondering if that was the moment you would die. So, she spoke about her SA, though minimal.

    But no amount of makeshift exposure therapy had taken away her fear of being betrayed again. Crying over nothing wasn't something people needed to see. Shelby could hold her own drink. Shelby could hold her own.

    Shel was in tune with her emotions. She knew how she worked, and due to her fear, she learned how others worked too. That's why people liked her so much. She was observant. The risk of being hurt unexpectedly goes down by knowing precisely what they feel. So, Shel was aware that all of her friends weren't doing well. She was also aware that Piper was worried about her. Fuck, Piper knew her too well.

    That's a good thing; Shel internally chided.

    Nevertheless, Sadie was worried about Jaz, who probably had a mental breakdown. Will was in a depression, though Shel didn't know why and so was Nico. Leo wasn't sure if he should be happy or not. Reyna was missing someone, though Shel didn't know if it was Hylla or Thalia. Alex was a fucking mess, though she was getting better, and Magnus (if she could even call Magnus anything more than a strained acquaintance) was grieving and worried.

    Nico strummed the opening chords to Flowers, and Shel had finally perfected it. To truly make an impact, ensure your performance is deadpan with rhythmic interpretation, belting at the end before going right back. Mr. A said she had the Jimmy Award in the bag. She didn't, this performance would only get her a nomination, but Shel could appreciate the sentiment, she guessed.

    Shel ended up having to leave once Come Home With Me Reprise ended. She had to try on a trench and some overalls, then rehearsal ended.

    Shel said goodbye to her friends and said she'd meet Piper in the car. Finally, a moment alone. She gripped the steering wheel with one hand and connected her phone to the car, choosing the first song that came on and turning up the volume with trembling fingers. She ensured the car was still in park before putting her head on the steering wheel.

    No llores. No llores. No llores. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. It reminded Shel of Evita. She changed the song and hummed along to it, though she certainly did not have the voice to sing the song properly, but at least her accent was natural–no offense to Patti LuPone.

    Shel used the song to pull herself together, bringing her head up. She closed her eyes and put her entire focus on the music.

A loud knock startled her. Shel unlocked the door for Piper, and she slipped into the passenger seat. You won't believe me. All you will see is a girl you once knew. After she sat, Piper said, "What's wrong?"

    Shel blinked. "What do you mean?"

    "What's wrong?"

    Although she's dressed up to the nines... "Nothing."

    And sixes... Piper's brows creased. "Shel, you can't expect me to believe that." And sevens with you.

"I don't want to talk about it." I had to let it happen.

    "Shel," Piper said with an exasperated laugh. "Something's fucking you up."

    "There's nothing wrong," her voice was clipped and strained. I had to change. "I don't know why you keep pushing this."

    "Because I'm worried about you, Shel!" Couldn't stay all my life down at hill... "You've been so tense; your hands are literally white right now."...looking out of the window, staying out of the sun.

    Shel looked at her hands, they were, and they hurt. So I chose freedom. "It's not a big deal," Shel whispered, doing everything she could to keep her voice from shaking. Running around, trying everything new...

    "Shel, you're being a hypocrite, take your own fucking advice and just let your emotions out."

...but nothing impressed me at all. Shel shook her head. Don't cry. "No me digas eso," she whispered. Don't tell me that.

    Piper cupped Shel's face. "Shelby," she pleaded. ...I never expected it to.

    And Shel broke as the chorus began.

-

As promised, Nico had a variety of games loaded on his PC. Hades, Layers of Fear, Stray, The Stanely Parable, Dialtown, Monster Prom.

    Will gasped at the last two. He looked over at Nico, who had the same look on his face. One that read: do you want to cause chaos? When Will nodded, Nico called Hazel over.

    "Dude, you interrupted me crying while I deleted all my Kanye West songs from my playists," Hazel whined as she entered the room with actual tears staining her face. "Why am I here?"

    "Do you want to date a phone or a hot monster?" Nico asked, showcasing his computer.

    Hazel gazed at the game before giving Nico a meaningful look, "I would love to date that Medusa girl."

    "I call the purple theatre gay," Will said.

    "He looks like Nico," Hazel noted.

    "How interesting."

    "So my choices," Nico said, "are limited to the Hardin impersonator or the himbo?" When no one protested that fact, Nico sighed. "I want Hardin for the chaos."

    Hazel cackled. "You two are a very healthy duo."

    "Woah really?" Nico said, placing a hand on his chest in honor. "I've been trying to mask it."

    "Glad to see our work is paying off!" Will exclaimed, giving Nico a celebratory high-five.

    Hazel did not comment, and Nico started the game. By week five, Nico was the only one close to getting the person he wanted.

    "No, because it's not fucking fair that all of your questions are easy," Hazel exclaimed. "I just want to go on a date with the badass bisexual, and I keep fucking failing, but you're over here wooing fucking Damien."

    "The fact that you still like him is concerning," Will added.

    Nico shrugged. "I understand that your stats will never compare to mine, but sometimes you just have to admit that I'm better than you."

    But then, as week 6 rolled around the corner, Nico made a dreadful mistake. Damien continues to insult the banana, and Nico's character describes the scene as sexy.

    "Are you, like, mentally okay?" Hazel asked.

    Nico chooses to eat the banana, and watches in fear as Damien promises to fight him at prom. Hazel and Will erupt into cheers.

    "Why is the ghost lady calling me sexy?" Nico whispered in fear. "Why are they calling Damien stupid?" He dramatically rolled into a ball.

    "Why is my man saying 'hastag' as an actual word?" Will wondered aloud.

    "That's a valid concern," Hazel said.

    "Why does he want to fight me?" Nico said. "I've done everything right. I even tolerated the fact that he killed people. I thought I could change him."

    "He's a murderer, Nico. There is no fixing that."

    "At least I didn't try and a date a capitalist," Nico snapped. "Okay, I'm going to ask him anyway."

    Damien continued to attempt to beat him up. But that quickly changed as this bit of text showed up on the screen: Then, in the middle of that intense tango of violence, you start making out. Apparently, a good beating is the ultimate turn-on for Damien. How is it that everything is ultimately about sex when it comes to young people?!

    The trio looked at each other before bursting into laughter. Nico ended up on the floor, wiping tears out of his eyes. Will ended up continuing. "People start leaving because apparently witnessing free violence is okay, but witnessing a very intense and physical--" Will took a deep breath to keep himself from laughing as he read the text, "demonstration of love is somehow wrong." Hazel was also crying. "So you take your prom fight to the bathrooms. Somehow the--" Will cuts himself off to let out a cackle as he read ahead. "What the fuck is this game?" he squeaked out.

     Nico looked up at the screen and promptly fell back on the floor. "No," he wheezed. "No, no, no." He then exited out of the game. "We tell no one of this."

     "Okay, but now I want to date a phone," Hazel said.

     Nico booted up Dialtown.

HI MY VIOLATION BEANS

HOLY SHIT DID THIS CHAPTER TAKE ALL OF MY FUCKING ENERGY

you know what? fuck this chapter, let's talk about me for a second

um, my life=hell.

trig. why must it exist? i feel like trig was invented by satan himself to punish me for no goddamn reason. and my math teacher is a fucking bitch who doesn't teach for shit

so i spend a week of staying up until i literally pass out into my notebook trying to figure out how to do trig. and then i realize

it's the unit circle. to get the second fucking answer you need to add 180 or pi. so now i'm like, i have to be stupid. because that's unit circle. but at the same time, i also don't get the fucking fraction equations that my teacher keeps giving me so i keep studying over and over, and then i never end up getting it, but it's test day

now, my teacher didn't make the test, and i happened to be her first period today, so she was taking it with us

she says, as i start question 2 after doing the first for 40 minutes: "shit, this is hard."

WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT

I AM HERE FOR THE FUCKING CREDIT, YOU ARE HERE WITH A CAREER AND MASTER'S DEGREE IN MATH AND IT'S HARD FOR

YOU

omg and i had to write 5 essays by hand with pen in 3 hours. that was hell and my hand hurts so much.

also i've been in such a depression, but hey at least i got my period after not having it for 5 months

so i started using a menstrual cup, and that shit hurt, but now i'm one of those people who swear by it because after i figured it out, it was so easy

which, why can i figure out how to manuver a literal vacuum cup so that it won't hurt me and also fit up there, but not figure out trig???

also i started having panic attacks, the current record is 3 in a day! maybe i'll beat it tomorrow, who knows haha

but hey, i did write a 4,000 word character analysis on Nico di Angelo that still isn't finished.

so there's that i guess

anyway, i wrote shel's part while crying after i failed two other tests in a row (i've had about 8 tests in two weeks and i have three more next week. midterms! woo) and i was like, i'm a disappointment

so i had gone to my friend and they go, bestie you are at a higher level than our senior friends. also you realize that you are also allowed to have feelings

and i was like, channeling my inner mom friend and being like: no <3

but then they said they wouldn't drink water, and i had to allow them to be my free therapist so they wouldn't do such a thing

and i was like crying into my poor friend's shoulder and i felt so bad because they don't deserve my trauma dump, at least with y'all i won't see your face so i don't feel as much shame

and i was like, that's a very shel thing to do. wow, i really made a self-insert, didn't i?

i then felt ashamed of my writing ability because why

anyway, because i was going for the arc a long time ago, i just kept it going

and i realized halfway through writing that you guys didn't know shel had an accent

i was listening to Evita while i was writing and i mentioned her accent, and i wondered if i ever detailed it.

so, basically, she was born in Bogota so her accent starts there, but she then moved to miami, where everyone is cuban. so she has some influence there. then she moved to upper east side where everyone is PR so she has influences there, as well as the white people in the area

and her parents didn't lose their accent

so it's essentially a jumbled mess. but i could hear it in my mind because i have family with similar accents, and because of her current home, i would describe it as a subtle accent because she has lived in the US for so long. like you can tell she has an accent, but it's hard to pinpoint

she has this melodic rhythm to her voice and her "s" usually transfer into the next word making it sound a bit slurred and her vowels are more narrow.

anyway, i was then crying to Don't Cry For Me Argentina and thought it was a fun visual

then i went to my friend's and we played Monster Prom and it was so chaotic--

we also played our fair share of horror games, and we plan on going into Dialtown soon

so that's where the second scene came from.

anyway, because i haven't gotten a good night's sleep in over three weeks, i am going to see if going to sleep with some form of satisfaction from publishing a chapter will make it so that i won't wake up 20 times when i sleep

good night my violation beans

love y'all