(Some things may have changed as I have written this over the course of three weeks)

Image is mine but feel free to use it if you credit me also I saw the sans cover first and saw the original later!

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To be honest I knew
Ever since I was eight that one day my life would fall apart more than it already was and I'm 100% right!

I knew it was gonna be hopeless, but still
Trying to save them especially Violet (a pet bird who died) was hopeless but I desperately tried while crying and knowing it wouldn't work but trying was better than nothing!

Everything that slips through these hands looks like love
Even the tears that slip through my hands look like love

The words I made sure of take shape, only wavering
Sometimes I stutter or my speech kinda falters!

Strumming, drawing, only doing those for sure
I don't really play guitar but I think it would be relaxing to do so also I do love drawing!

Isn't it boring, reading and comparing our answers
Isn't it boring to just compare our experiences when you'll never understand how I feel even if I tried to explain it because I can't even properly explain my own emotions?

Even though I was so close to figuring it out
Sometimes I feel like I'm so close to figuring out my own emotions or about things like why the world isn't fair and then something minuscule changes and I'm directly back to square one!

Drinking, vomiting, forgetting everything
First thing is when I go through something extra traumatic or have another severe nightmare about one of the darker parts of my past I drink a bunch of French vanilla coffee creamer because to me it tastes good by itself and it soothes me along with pure sugar usually right after and two something about mixing nearly the entire coffee creamer container and a bunch of pure sugar makes me puke my guts out after but luckily none of this has happened in the last seven months and second thing is I simultaneously remember and forget everything all at once like I remember when I was four going to a farm to hang out with animals all the time yet I also can't even remember what day of the week it is even when I'm at school all I know is it's not the weekend anymore or one time I literally heard the shower turn on and merely five minutes later I genuinely forgot if I turned it on and I was supposed to shower or if it was my sister also it was my sister but the fact that I couldn't remember is depressing!

Looking at my true feelings that are clad in water, in the opposing mirrors
No matter what I feel even if it's two emotions at once the emotions I feel them clear as day but they are murky and invisible when I try to figure out what that emotion is called almost like they are very active fish hidden underneath a murky pond like you can see and feel the ripples in the water but you can't tell what type of fish there is in there!

Once our eyes meet
Once I see my friend (either one of them but each friend gives me a different reaction) I overfill with either joy or sadness depending on what I was feeling before!

Overdose, you and me,
I essentially overdose on my own emotions so much it hurts like the friend of mine who never answers her phone there was a time in summer where I literally puked because I had no contact with her for two months and I literally puked from the emotions of missing her too much!

The days that make me feel helpless
Not every day but at least twice a week I feel hopeless to change anything as I watch everything start physically fall apart around me and the only things staying strong are my friendships!

I wanna dream of a blurred-out nightmare
Sometimes I get so anxious when thinking of scenarios and what to do in them that I get too upset and my vision blurs from the tears in my eyes but I haven't actually cried in a while!

Overdose, you and me
I'm not sure if any of my friends are or not but I constantly feel like I'm overdosing on my own emotions!

A sweet bluff
Certain things like talking to a friend or helping someone else with their problems is a sweet distraction so I don't think of my own problems even if it is only for a brief moment!

Don't stop it music, darling
I wish I didn't ever have to stop talking and hanging out with my friends!

Did you really know?
Oh my irl friend did you really know just how violent and bloody I accidentally make things because thankfully you help me but I don't think you realize just how much blood is shed but also you don't know my full story because my past experiences that make me this way are anything but school appropriate!

Did you really know that it was gonna be helpless?
Do they really know that in the game of life my feelings and my trust in my mom is being tossed around like a rag doll? Or the fact that no matter what I do I'm helpless to stop my dog from rapidly aging along with my pet birds?

Maybe only time's just passing, filled with questions and answers
Absolutely at all times in my brain whenever I'm not in my fictional worlds or thinking of my fictional scenarios or even occasionally an oc being in a fictional world that I like my brain is always filled with questions and answers!

I've got no time to make excuses,
I have no excuses for my occasional self violent behaviors and tendencies because sure things are mounting on me and I'm starting to hurt physically and mentally but that doesn't give me an excuse to be self destructive when there's people with real problems like families starving to death or bleeding out and dying I have no excuse to be the way I am but I still am unfortunately!

I'll just go naked
Well not literally but I never wanna get dressed to go anywhere and I desperately wanna go everywhere in my pajamas but mom won't let me!

Surely, it'll keep piling up, forever
All the problems of the world and people getting hurt and stuff and I'm getting the most stressed over like to the point of near puking over something that's not even an actual scenario yet!

It'd be be nice if we could end this, abruptly
To my brain and all the sadness and all the bullies etc it would be amazing if I could just be happier more often and that the bullies could just shut up because I literally don't ever interact with them unless they talk to me first!

Spoiling and rotting, just like that sweet fruit, we start to break
Younger me and my sister even though we used to never get a long we we're so happy until she was four and I was eight where my hope in the world and society started rotting away and she remained fine until she was eleven and a tragedy happened in the family again but at least we get along very well now!

That's why I dance, sleep, and forget everything
Whenever my mom leaves I'll have a party type thing by myself in her room and I'll dance around or I'll watch tv and I'll distract myself from my problems until I wake up the next day and remember them all over again!

Next to you, all dressed in lies
Whenever I leave the house like for a family gathering I don't talk about my feelings because they are too complex or if I talk too negative my mom asks me to stop!

Overdose, me and you
Sometimes I'm overdosing on my own emotions especially lately like I haven't had one today yet but for two days in a row I had some sort of emotional breakdown like Saturday was bad but Sunday was just a couple anxious thoughts for only five minutes but I puked from stress at one point!

Even though I wanna understand
I wanna understand why my bullies are bullying me? And why can't anyone else in my family see that things are falling apart? Only my friends understand!

I hate those strangely in-between lies
The lies where the teller genuinely believes it's the truth like "I promise I will survive" but you don't actually know that everything will be fine but you're just saying it to help me feel better!

Overdose, you and me,
Sometimes even when I'm alone I get so overfilled with stress I puke from all the stress!

The days that make be feel helpless
Some days I'm reminded of the people I couldn't/can't help like generally on wattpad I help for the most part and don't spiral too much because of it but Reddit and reading about how someone got murdered in the U.S.A. and I can't do anything about it like I wish I could drive there and comfort them but I can't because my mom still hasn't taught me how to drive despite being almost seventeen now and I can't help them at all!

I wanna dream of a blurred-out nightmare
Sometimes even when awake my vision gets hazy and I occasionally worry I may pass out but luckily I sit down in time so I don't also eventually I'm gonna be getting my blood tested one day sometime this year because my mom is worried that my constant exhaustion and occasional headaches are from a potential deficiency!

Overdose, you and me
I always feel like I'm overflowing with emotions whenever something happens wether it be good or bad and if it's good I'm jumping up and down squealing unable to contain myself but if it's bad I pace back and forth and sometimes I cry but for the most part I ramble things which I can relate to and understand what I was trying to convey later but when I look back at the ramblings later I realize the way I was trying to talk about it was completely incoherent like I'm usually awful at explaining things but my ramblings come out so fast and frantic and I'm constantly switching between one topic to another etc that they make practically no sense and the only one who can actually understand is my irl friend because she's listened to others ramblings before!

A sweet bluff
It feels so sweet when I'm writing or singing or editing or dancing or whenever I'm chilling either alone in my room or with my friends but once I have to go to school or interact with others irl besides my friends everything falls apart again or sometimes even petting the dog suddenly makes me kinda sad because I remember she's getting old and has that small lump on her neck (don't worry the lump isn't bothering her or causing her any physical discomfort but it's still there sadly)

Don't stop it music, darling
The music makes me so happy and it's so soothing that I forget my problems for a little while!

Overdose, me and you
Do you ever occasionally feel like you're gonna puke from the intense feelings of all the emotions inside yourself or is that just a "me" thing?

I don't understand
I don't understand why my mom can't see the issues that are clearly there like how I can't fully trust her anymore or the lump on the dog's neck or the fact that outside of our lives absolutely awful things are happening around the world and there's little we can do to stop it!

But, even those in-between lies'll be just fine, so
I'm like a stray dog begging for scraps and the bullies can give me anything even if it's spoiling and rotting and decaying it's better than nothing so even if you hate me just tell me pretty lies so that I can live with myself or even throw insults or punches because that would be something which is better than laughing at me like I'm stupid because if they insult me I can laugh at their own stupidity if they hit me I can hit them back without feeling any guilt but just laughing at me like I'm stupid is the one thing I cannot stand so even if it's a lie just at least try to ignore me instead of laughing!

What do you think, me and you, a sweet bluff
To my irl friends whenever I'm with you I can forget my problems and it's like a beautiful buffer between me and my problems so thank you to all my friends!

Author's Note
I wrote this with my only two irl friends in mind and occasionally my mom as well also don't copy my bad habits please also I am being bullied but I am sick of it but maybe it will stop eventually!