san wooyoung

"dude, you're in so much shit." the older replied in response to the rant he had been unable to tell anyone else for what felt like forever.

the two were lounging on wooyoung's bed in his dorm room, hongjoong having shown up a little earlier.

his old friend had shown up with the intention of supplying him with his usual, but wooyoung was not in the mood. which was a first, another surprising perk of having san.

his attention had diverted to his boyfriend, and instead of being burnt from the inside out with the terrifying addiction he knew so well, he had found himself addicted to something else.

the only other thing that he couldn't live with out, that tore him up with want, that he couldn't get enough of. something more addicting than the drugs. the other thing keeping him going, keeping him smiling.

san.

he smiled just thinking of his boyfriend's name.

"hello? earth to wooyoung?" hongjoong interrupted his busy thoughts, causing him to look up in surprise.

"were you saying something?" he questioned innocently, the other just rolling his eyes to the ceiling, questioning, why is he like this?

"don't even worry about it." hongjoong sighed, taking a long smoke of the death-stick between his lips.

wooyoung wrinkled his nose distastefully, going up to open a window.  "i somehow doubt you should be smoking that inside."

"hm, yeah, oh well." hongjoong hummed with a familiar lop-sided grin dismissively.

"anyway. when do i get to meet this boyfriend of yours? surprised someone else finally took the deep dive into your heart."

"he's different." a dreamy look lulled his features. "he's... everything."

"yeah, yeah. that's what they all say in the honeymoon stage." hongjoong chided.

wooyoung was about to say something more, but as soon as he opened his mouth, the door slammed open, the sudden sound resonating throughout the hallway and disrupting the previously lazy atmosphere of a warm sunday.

the open stripe cast by the doorway into the unlit room revealed none other than san, his trembling figure blocking out the light that should've shon into the room if not for his unmoving stance.

the raven haired male stared at the two of them, taking in the scene with bright eyes. it was obvious he was trying not to cry, and his crumpled face broke wooyoung's heart in two.

"san?" he questioned in alarm, immediately on his feet and in front of the distressed other.

his boyfriend took a deep, shaky breath before flashing his eyes at wooyoung, jaw clenched as he overcame his emotions.

"are you on drugs?" his voice was flat. it was just a question, but so unexpected wooyoung blinked a few times, lost for words.

"why..?" he began in confusion, head turned to the side. "not right now?"

"so is it true?" san asked icily, his voice having lost all the softness it had contained only this morning.

"is what true? i don't see how this is a big deal-" wooyoung spluttered, glancing at hongjoong in distress.

following his gaze, san's expression hardened, and he marched up to the older and stood with his arms crossed, tapping his foot on the carpet anxiously. "i don't care who you are, but you need to throw that disgusting cigarette away or take it out our room."

"this is my old friend hongjoong-"

"and this is my room too. which means you can't bring strangers who have the audacity to smoke and give the rest of us lung cancer." san interrupted, gesturing the door.

"yikes, woo. your little boyfriend is scarier than you described-" hongjoong began, raising himself from the bed slowly.

"if you call me little one more time, god help me, i will burn that mullet from your head."

the older touched his hair protectively, shooting wooyoung a look before scurrying out of their dorm room with haste.

as soon as he left, san turned to wooyoung angrily, poking him in the chest. "tell me the truth."

"about what-" he questioned exasperatedly, running a hand through his hair in agitation.

"do. you. take. drugs." san repeated, pausing after each word as if explaining simple instructions to a foreigner.

"y-yeah?" san turned away with a huff, holding his head in his hands and mumbling 'no' under his breath repeatedly. "i thought you knew! but i swear i haven't since we got together!"

"why didn't you tell me about it?!" san practically yelled, and when he turned back to face wooyoung his eyes were wet again, his face blotchy with anger.

shrinking back, wooyoung splayed his hands in surrender. "a lot of teenagers do drugs, san. i didn't know this bothered you-"

"didn't know it bothered me?" san laughed bitterly. "maybe hyunjin was right. we don't know each other at all. didn't know it bothered me? wooyoung, how the fuck am i supposed to date someone who's on the same stuff that ruined my life? that killed my asshole of a dad? i should've listened to jeongin."

at this point, san had tears rolling down his cheeks, his voice shaking with a broken anger. wooyoung just stood there in shock, just wanting to hug the boy, apologise, do anything to comfort him. jeongin, you little fucker.

"i'm sorry..." he tried, taking a little step towards the other, but he flinched away.

"why are you apologising? you can't change how you are. or how i was born and brought up. that shit can't be changed. but our future can." san's voice cracked, and so did wooyoung's heart. "i was supposed to be done with that life. i was going to make a better future for myself. but i went and fell for you."

he couldn't take it anymore. wooyoung stepped forward, pulling san against himself with one swift movement despite his initial protests.

he sobbed into his chest unceasingly, hands clutching at his jacket. wooyoung held him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked his chest. his previous attempts to back away, to hold it all in, all disintegrated with one touch. the pain must have come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths, before hurling him back into the outstretched arms of his memories.

when his sniffling calmed down, wooyoung allowed the other to withdraw from his embrace, wiping his eyes tenderly.

"i... i don't think i should hug you again." san breathed, eyes flickering with sadness.

"what? san, listen..." wooyoung tried, his own eyes brimming with threatening tears.

"i need some time." the taller whispered, backing away from wooyoung once more,  away from his outstretched arms. "i just allowed myself that one last hug."

"san..." wooyoung tried again desperately, clutching his wrist as his heart sped up with the anxiety of losing him.

but the other gave a small, sad, smile, and he detached wooyoung's hand, shaking him off and shrugging helplessly.

"goodbye for now, jung." san whispered, and as he began walking out the door, wooyoung was utterly powerless to stop him. nothing he could do to make him stay.

the door opened again, suddenly as it had closed.

he looked up, hope bubbling within him, his head shooting up at the speed of light, desperate to see san in the doorway-

"is now a bad time?" it was hongjoong.

his face fell along with his hope, portraying his disappointment. his friend grinned widely, poking his head only slightly in the room.

"well don't look too disappointed."

"i'm sorry, joong. could you leave?" wooyoung mumbled bluntly, cradling his throbbing head.

"sure, woo. but if you need it..." he strode to the bed with a heavy sigh, setting down something and patting the package for emphasis.

"joong-" wooyoung protested, shaking his head tiredly as he made to stop the other but for some reason, didn't.

"bye, jung." hongjoong patted his shoulder sympathetically before leaving quietly and then whistling as he exited.

as soon as the other left, he fell to his knees, feeling his walls crumble around him. why am i such an idiot?

wooyoung bit his lip until a metallic taste entered his mouth, and by that point he could aready feel fresh tears beginning to roll, mixing with san's on his soaked shirt.

tasting salt now, too, he fixated his attention on the mixing of blood and tears. trying to focus on something real.

bold of him to assume he could make san happy. someone as good as san, who deserved so much more than wooyoung could ever give him even if he lived his life over a thousand times.

funny to think he could hide it all from san, keep the bad sides suppressed. stupid to try and pretend any of it was real.

resist.

there was no point in trying to resist.

god help him, he tried. but his hand was itching, no, burning, to reach over to the package hongjoong had left.

resist resist resist

but he couldn't. if he couldn't have san... he would die.

he had to have something to replace him. to replace the empty pit san left when he walked away.

shut up, you idiot. he didn't break up with you.

but he may as well have. wooyoung couldn't keep going on lying, hurting the person he cared so much for.

he didn't know what love was, but what he felt for san was as close to what he imagined it may feel like.

sure, he was just an ignorant teenager who at the first sign of feelings thought it was love, too young and inexperienced to even comprehend the beginnings of that word.

and perhaps he was wrong- it wasn't love or anything close to it. a replacement for the only other thing that drove him to such divine addiction and desire.

so fuck love, maybe it was only lust. his new strange addiction.

but god did he love that addiction. and as soon as he was deprived of it... he felt the impacts of losing it so much harder.

and therefore he had to turn back to his old addiction.

no you don't. it's not what san wants.

but it's what he wants.

what you want doesn't matter. it's what san wants that really matters. as long as you can keep him happy. see him smile.

but he wants it so, so bad.

so he will.

no no no

but too late, he reached, he closed his eyes, he stopped crying.

and everything
          after that

     was a

                              blur

-
lalalallala

yo i just wanna say. i know this ff isn't perfect. i know there are some typos and some wrong word choices.

but you don't have to keep correcting my mistakes, okay?

i may never get around to editing it. (partially because editing deletes comments and i'm a certified comment hoe) and i think the infrequent mistakes makes the ff a little more special 'cause it shows the journey of the ff if that even makes sense

but i love you all regardless and we're nearly at 50k reads which is so insane i want to cry

take care

xxx