CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
WORTH THE RISK

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     The silence that followed Adrian and Alec ever since that night at the Seelie Court was deafening. Adrian supposed it was his own fault that they hadn't talked, because it certainly wasn't because of Alec's lack of trying. Each time Alec approached him and tried to bring it up, Adrian found himself running away, like the coward he was. He had wanted to know how Alec felt, had been ready to hear the words, whether they were good or bad. Now, after the kiss, he was terrified again. The one thing he feared was that he would lose Alec for good, and he was afraid he would if they actually talked it out. He was afraid it would hurt too much, afraid he'd start resenting Alec if it was a rejection Alec needed to tell him. The anger had already started, a hollow, upsetting feeling in his stomach. He still didn't understand why Alec had kissed him back—why he would when he knew how Adrian felt—and he was afraid that anger was going to grow into something worse. Grow into something he didn't want to feel, especially toward Alec.

Their silence, the tension between them, was precisely why Isabelle had forced Adrian to walk Alec to Magnus's apartment. He needed to talk to Jace about something. Alec was more than capable of taking care of himself, but Isabelle had begged and pouted for so long that Adrian couldn't say no. She had used Valentine as an excuse. They all knew that there was a very low chance Valentine would set his sights on Alec, but the thought had still echoed in Adrian's head regardless. Now there they were, walking down the street in silence. Alec kept glancing at him, lips parting, only for him to stop and look away. It happened five more times before Adrian finally lost his patience. He could see the steps to Magnus's apartment up ahead. The conversation wouldn't last very long, anyway.

"What?" Adrian asked, letting out a small sigh when Alec hesitated again. It was a silly question to ask, but Adrian couldn't think of anything else to say. Their visit to the Seelie Court had been a few days ago, but Adrian could still feel the ghost of the kiss against his lips. Alec licked his lips before he frowned.

"You said nothing had to change," Alec said at last, making Adrian stop, which was just as well. They had finally reached Magnus's apartment. He stared at the door for a moment, wondering if Magnus was going to pop up and save him. He didn't, and Adrian sighed.

"That was before you decided to kiss me back." He sounded colder than he had meant to. He bit down on his lip. He wasn't quite sure why he was angry in the first place. The reason was there, just out of reach, and Adrian couldn't quite stretch far enough to get to it. He wasn't even sure if he wanted to know. If he did, that would just be another thing he had to deal with. Alec stared at him for a long time, looking bewildered.

"We had to—the Seelie Queen—"

"She said that I had to kiss the person I desired the most," Adrian interrupted. He wanted to stop talking, wanted to slap his hand over his mouth and walk away. He didn't seem able to. "She didn't say you had to return it." Alec stared at him, frowning now.

"Adrian—" Alec sounded so emotional that Adrian couldn't stop himself from interrupting.

"Look, Alec, I get it." His voice was softer now. Adrian was grateful for that. He didn't want to hurt Alec, and he knew snapping at him would hurt. It always had before. "You're confused. I confuse you, and I get that, I really do—but I'm not going to let you use me to figure yourself out." Alec's eyes widened at that, lips parting to argue. Adrian hurried on, and Alec pressed his lips together. "That's not how this is going to work. I deserve better than to be your test dummy." Alec let out a frustrated breath.

"You're not a test dummy, Adrian," Alec said immediately. Some of the anger in Adrian's chest ebbed away then, because he knew when Alec was telling the truth. "That's not why I kissed you back." Adrian's eyes flashed up to meet Alec's when he heard those words. It surprised him when Alec didn't avert his gaze. Adrian cocked his head to the side, searching his face, looking for a hint of any hesitation or shyness.

"Then why did you?" Adrian whispered. This time, Alec did hesitate, gaze wavering. Thankfully, he didn't look away.

"I don't know," Alec admitted, voice just as low. Just like that, the anger that had been steadily leaking from Adrian's chest returned, as strong as ever. His jaw clenched, and he took a moment to compose himself, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. He took a deep, calming breath. He had to remind himself that accepting ones sexuality was a personal thing, something that took as long as it needed. It couldn't be rushed, especially when feelings were involved. Adrian just felt so tired.

"That's the problem," he said, voice quiet. Alec went very still. Adrian kept his gaze on the stone steps a few feet away. He tried to bite his next words back, but they slipped out anyway, and Adrian winced as he said them. "I won't be your second choice, Alec."

"I just—wait." Adrian closed his eyes, taking a deep breath when Alec stepped closer. "What do you mean, second choice?" Adrian didn't respond, just kept his gaze firmly on the stone steps. When Alec started talking again, his voice was shaking. "God, is that what this is about? Why you're so mad at me? Because of a schoolboy crush I had on Jace?" Adrian shifted on his feet, putting more distance between them. Alec looked like he wanted to follow, but he stayed where he was. Adrian chewed on his bottom lip, trying to find the right words to respond to the question. He couldn't think of anything. He had never felt this vulnerable around Alec, not even when he told him he loved him.

"I'm not mad at you," was his weak response. Alec actually scoffed at it, and it made Adrian give him a glare.

"Really?" Alec asked. "Could've fooled me." Adrian gritted his teeth together.

"You don't get to do that," Adrian said. "You're not allowed to turn this around on me like it's my fault."

"You're not allowed to turn this on me like it's my fault, either," Alec argued, making Adrian snap his mouth shut and glare angrily at Magnus's door. He wished desperately that Magnus or Oliver would open the door and interrupt their conversation. A conversation that was increasingly becoming more heated. Alec paused, and they stood in silence, both of them calming themselves down in their own ways. Alec's voice was quiet again when he asked, "Is it so hard to believe that I wanted to kiss you?" Adrian barked out a laugh at that.

"Yes," he admitted. Alec frowned at him.

"Why?"

"Because you deserve better than to settle, and I deserve better, too."

"Is that what you think I'm doing?" Alec asked in disbelief. His growing anger was starting to show on his face. Adrian eyed him warily. An angry Alec wasn't particularly scary, just very unpredictable. Impulsive. Like when he had slammed Clary against the wall and had threatened her. He didn't think before he acted when he was angry. Adrian doubted there would be any threats now, but he didn't particularly want an impulsive kiss, either. Their first kiss had already been taken from them, corrupted for the Seelie Queen's amusement. If they ever did kiss again, it would be when they were back on solid ground, and it was just the two of them. "Settling?"

"It doesn't matter," Adrian argued, tugging the sleeves of his sweater down from where they bunched around his elbows when a breeze kicked through the street. "You'll stop being confused eventually and then you'll realize you don't actually—" Before he could finish, the door to Magnus's apartment finally flew open, revealing a very exasperated Magnus. Adrian shot him a look. He was wearing nothing but a red silk robe, tied together loosely around him. Oliver was sliding out from behind him, fully dressed and looking unimpressed with Magnus's dramatics. Once he saw Adrian, however, his expression morphed into one of concern. He stopped, looking back at Magnus, who was looking back and forth between Adrian and Alec with glowing yellow eyes.

"Problem?" Magnus drawled. He didn't look pleased to have two bickering Shadowhunters at his doorstep. Adrian pursed his lips.

"Nope." He shot a look at Alec, who seemed exasperated. "None at all."

"You're a bad liar, you know that?" Magnus pushed away from where he was leaning a shoulder against his door frame. "If you two insist on having a lover's spat, may I request you either lower your voices or come inside? I have werewolf and vampire neighbors. They can hear every word you're saying, and I loathe when they complain." Alec glared at him.

"Where's Jace?" he demanded, deciding to ignore what Magnus had been saying. Adrian crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at a flower pot hanging from a windowsill nearby. Magnus looked between the two of them a few more moments before he shrugged and tilted his head back toward his apartment.

"Inside, moaning about how awful his life is." He flicked his fingers dismissively. "Go see for yourself." Alec rolled his eyes, but went inside anyway, knowing when Magnus was actually dismissing someone by that point. Adrian's jaw tightened as Magnus stepped down the set of stairs to stand in front of him. For a moment, Adrian thought he was just going to stare, but then he felt his finger under his chin. Magnus's touch was gentle, but his head tilted up despite how light it felt. Adrian didn't know if he had used magic, or if Adrian simply moved according to what he wanted. His nose wrinkled the second he was done moving, and Magnus grinned.

"You alright, pretty boy?" he asked.

"Fine," Adrian said. "Why wouldn't I be?" Magnus clicked his tongue in disapproval and dropped his hand. Oliver had come down to join them. He still looked unimpressed.

"Another lie," Magnus sighed. Oliver reached up and tugged at a lock of hair that was dyed a bright pink.

"Leave him alone, Magnus," Oliver ordered, dropping his hand. "If he doesn't want to talk, then let him go home." Magnus looked at him once, then turned his calculating gaze back on Adrian.

"I'm just concerned," was all he said. Adrian forced himself to smile. It wasn't very hard. Magnus had a way of lightening the mood, even when it was inappropriate. 

"Are you finally going to call me a friend?" Adrian teased. Magnus snorted.

"It'd take a near-death experience to get me to say those words." Magnus cocked his head to the side. "What, exactly, happened between you two? A few days ago, you were as close as ever." Magnus suddenly snapped his fingers. "No, wait, let me guess. That little kiss you two shared at the Seelie Court caused a few problems." Adrian raised both his eyebrows, looking at Oliver once, only to see that Oliver was pinching the bridge of his nose.

"How do you know about that?" Adrian asked, looking back at Magnus, who waved his hand dismissively in the air.

"Jace gossips like a judgmental lady who uses gardening as an excuse to spy on her neighbors."

"Magnus," Oliver sighed. They shared a look, and then Magnus was rolling his eyes and taking a step back, away from Adrian.

"Oh, alright," Magnus sighed, shooting Adrian one last look before he cupped Oliver's face in his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. Adrian looked away. "Be careful walking home." Oliver said something Adrian didn't catch. He only looked back up when he saw a flash of red silk. Magnus gave him a wink before he shut the door. A moment later, Oliver was sliding an arm through his and walking in the direction of the Institute.

"Walk with me," Oliver ordered, tugging at Adrian's arm. Adrian sighed and did as he was told. In truth, he was glad to have Oliver with him. He had felt so alone after the Seelie Court. Jace and Isabelle were biased toward Alec. They didn't understand, all they wanted was for Adrian to talk to him, for Alec's sake. At least with Oliver, Adrian knew whose side he was on. He didn't like thinking about their situation like that, where they were on two separate sides. He knew it was more complicated than that, but it was the only way he knew how to describe his feelings. He just wanted someone to talk to without knowing that Alec's feelings were their first priority.

It was only when they reached the Institute that Oliver broke the silence. "Dri, don't get mad at me," he said, and it immediately made Adrian groan. Oliver rested his hands along the black metal gate and gave him a concerned look. "It sounds to me like you're running scared." Adrian wrinkled his nose.

"I'm running scared?" he echoed. He shook his head. "I just don't want to get hurt, Ollie."

"And yet here you are, hurting anyway." Adrian sighed and glanced away, eyes raking up the front of the Institute. "You don't even have hope, do you?"

"Hope for what? Confused feelings?" Adrian sighed again and jerked once at the gate to get out some of his frustration. "Confused feelings never end well for anyone involved. This situation will end the same way."

"How do you know that? You haven't even given him a chance. The second you realized he might reciprocate, you started pushing him away. You did the same thing to me." Adrian paused, frowning in thought. He had never thought he had been running away from Oliver before. He had always believed he ended things because he didn't want to hurt Oliver, not because he was afraid Oliver would hurt him. It made him rethink every single word he had said to Alec that day. "I don't know if it's self-preservation or if you hate yourself so much you don't think you deserve it." Adrian shot him a look.

"I don't hate myself," he argued.

"Then why don't you think it's possible that he could love you back? Why don't you think you deserve it?" Oliver asked, voice gentle. Adrian didn't respond. Oliver gave a soft sigh. "Just because you're dad isn't in your life, that doesn't mean you're unlovable. So many people love you, Dri. And take it from someone who actually was falling in love with you...it's not hard to understand why he loves you back. Why won't you let him?" Adrian let out a soft sigh and leaned his hip against the gate.

"I hate when you're right," he mumbled, slightly bitter. Oliver responded with a wide, shining smile. It was the smile that drew Adrian to him in the first place. "Magnus is lucky to have you, you know that?" Oliver laughed.

"I know," he said with a shrug. Adrian, grinning, threw his arms around Oliver's neck, giving him a warm hug. Oliver happily returned it, still smiling when he pulled away.

"Be careful getting home," Adrian ordered. Oliver rolled his eyes as he pushed away from the gate.

"I will. God, you and Magnus are so protective."

Adrian snorted and pushed the gate open, stepping onto holy ground. "Yeah, well, someone has to be."

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Adrian found Isabelle in the training room. She wasn't working with her whip. She was barefoot—Adrian could see her boots abandoned on the side of the mats—and she was currently doing cartwheels across the long room. Adrian sat down at the edge of the mats to watch her, bringing his knees up to his chest and resting his chin on top. He waited until she had stopped at the other end of the room before speaking.

"Letting off some steam, Izzy?" he called. She twisted around and started cartwheeling back to his side of the room, though this time she was moving faster. Her feet landed on the floor beside him, and then she was curling up, breathing hard and resting against his side. They sat in silence while Isabelle caught her breath. She must have been in the training room for a while to be so winded.

"The Inquisitor and Mom have been in the library all morning," she finally revealed, pushing off of Adrian's side to support her own weight. She leaned back on both her hands and stretched her long legs out in front of her. "They wouldn't let me in, but half an hour ago, Dad showed up." Adrian's mouth twisted.

"Robert is here?" he asked, his mood immediately souring even more just at the mention of him. His relationship with Maryse looked envious in comparison to his relationship with Robert.

"The Inquisitor called him down from Idris," Isabelle explained, combing her fingers through her hair and proceeding to braid it.

"Joy," Adrian muttered. "More adults I don't like. Who's she gonna call down next, the Consul?" Isabelle grinned.

"Well, I wouldn't put it past her," she joked. They sat a few more minutes in silence as Isabelle continued braiding her hair. Once she was finished, she reached over and placed her hand over his. "How are you doing?" Adrian sighed and offered her a shrug.

"Good, I guess," he mumbled.

"And how did the walk to Magnus's go?"

"As well as one would expect." Isabelle arched an eyebrow at that.

"I'm guessing you didn't let my brother talk?" she asked. Grimacing, Adrian looked away from her, not answering her question. She let out a groan. "Oh my God, Adrian."

"Izzy, he told me himself that he didn't even know how to tell the difference between romantic and platonic love," Adrian argued. "Does that sound like someone who could figure out his feelings just because of one little kiss?" Isabelle snorted.

"I'd hardly call that kiss in the Seelie Court little," she pointed out. Adrian scowled.

"That's not the point."

"Look, Dri, I completely understand where you're coming from, more than you know. You don't want to get your heart broken." Isabelle paused, frowning for a moment, before she continued. "But don't you owe it to the both of you to at least try? Isn't it worth the risk?" Adrian eyed her, cheek pressed against his knee.

"And here I thought you believed falling in love was for fools," he drawled. Isabelle rolled her eyes and played with the braid thrown over her shoulder.

"I never said you and my brother weren't fools," she scoffed, pausing before she softened her voice. "But you're fools I want happy. And if being with each other, even for a short time, makes you happy, why not go for it?"

"I'm...scared," Adrian whispered. Isabelle slid closer and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. She rested her head against his and let out a soft sigh.

"Well," she murmured, "even you can't be fearless all the time." Before Adrian could find any words to respond, the training room door flew open, banging against the wall. Adrian and Isabelle jumped and pulled away from each other, both getting to their feet. They both deflated when they saw Maryse standing in the doorway.

"Come on," she ordered. "Both of you are coming with us."

"Where?" Isabelle asked.

"To retrieve Jace," Maryse said. Adrian and Isabelle shared a startled glance.

"And why do we have to go with you?" Adrian asked. Maryse didn't respond to him. Instead, it was Robert. He seemed far more intimidating than Adrian remembered, appearing behind Maryse within a second.

"Do you honestly believe we'd let you two stay here alone?" he demanded. "Just so you could call Jace and warn him? I blame that warlock." Robert's eyes flickered toward Adrian, where they stayed, then narrowed. "You probably suggested him." Isabelle went rigid, but Adrian gave Robert an easy, relaxed smile. Robert had never been particularly nice to him, especially not after he walked in one Adrian and Jace kissing one day. He wasn't very warm toward Jace, either, come to think of it.

"Good to see you too, Robert," Adrian drawled, crossing his arms over his chest. "I haven't slept with Magnus, by the way, since you obviously think I did just by the way you just said that. I have screwed his werewolf boyfriend, though." Isabelle sent an elbow into Adrian's side, but his smile only widened into a grin. Robert was glaring now, his shoulders tense. "I would say more, but I can see even that was too much for your homophobic little brain to handle." Maryse snapped Adrian's name, but it didn't matter. Robert was already gone. Maryse, after shooting Adrian a short glare, followed him. Adrian laughed as Isabelle rounded on him.

"I aspire to be as petty as you one day."

"My darling Izzy," Adrian said as he threw an arm over her shoulders, "pettiness is an art." Isabelle snorted before she started putting her boots back on.

"For a second, I thought his head was going to explode."

"If only." Adrian sighed and nudged her. "Now let's go get Jace before he gets himself into even more trouble."

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edited: 11.5.19