° the bravest you can do is be unafraid to feel °

Chapter 32

"Israel!" Mum yells from inside making me jump and take off the other ear of my earphone. Thank God I decided to keep one out else I would have not heard her call.

"Coming!" I yell back, standing up from where I am bent over the flower garden. It's Nessa's garden but since she asked me to feed Pounce for her again as she rushed out, I figured she didn't check her garden too and I took it upon myself to help.

It'll be handed over to me when she leaves for University next year, whether I like it or not. Mum and Dad are always yelling at us to try and do things to be more responsible youths and teenagers. Nessa's already being responsible by taking care of Pounce, working and gardening all at once. I'm not doing any and I'm sure Mum is just waiting for the right time to attack me with that.

"What were you doing out back?" Mum asks, casually dressed and sitting on the arm of the arm chair.

"Seeing to Nessa's garden," I answer, rubbing my hands together. They were weirdly warm after being in the gloves.

Mum looks up at that, eying me suspiciously. "Why? Did you see them nasty animals there again? Pounce?"

"No," I shake my head and shrug. "I just felt like, she didn't check them today."

"Uh-huh," she tilts her head to look me from head to toe. "Hope you didn't mess with them tomatoes?"

"Mum," I groan. "Can't I just check them in peace? I can actually garden a little."

"Garden a little," she mimicks after me. "Then grow your own, young man. Let's see it live."

"I might."

She huffs, getting up the chair. "You're so lazy like your father, unbelievable."

I blink, trying not to laugh. "Dad's lazy?"

She looks at me, then around like there's someone else here that spoke. "Did I say something?"

I quickly shake my head, "No."

"Great," she waves me off. "Go get your jacket let's go to the market."

I nod, going up the stairs. "Am I driving?"

"No, we're flying!" I cringe at her reply, running up quickly. "Hurry up boy!"

I wash up my hands and change into a new pair of jeans, grabbing a jacket before running downstairs against. Mum is scolding Pounce for something I'm not sure of and after that, we set off, locking up everywhere.

"Seatbelts," Mum announces as soon as she gets into the car like she's teaching me how to drive all over again and like I haven't been driving for some months now. Either way I wordlessly oblige, driving out and hitting the road in silence. I fumble with the radio a bit while mum is on her phone but before I find anything, she starts speaking. "How was confession today?"

Oh my... The only thing worse than long talks is small talks.

"Um- fine," I answer the only way I can. I didn't actually go for confession though but I don't tell her that.

Yes, Darcy came to the house to pick me up early and we walked to church talking about school and stuff in between and when we reach the church we silently wait with other confession peeps and I get a lot of time to think and think. I couldn't think of anything else except my thing with Sky and it's not really a sin so I don't need to confess it, I thought, right? People with girlfriends and boyfriends, do they confess that? Do I need to confess all the sneaking around and small lies? I couldn't say one without saying the other, it was all linked and I've not really lied much although this is the most I've lied ever.

But I have valid reasons for lying— my family won't accept it or me otherwise and I had no choice.

A small nagging voice in my head immediately whispered- you always have a choice - to me and I had refrain from screaming out loud that I didn't. Before the guilt could eat me up raw, Darcy and I were called up to the confessionals. I watched Darcy enter the wooden box with a priest already sitted but I didn't enter mine, I just kept walking until I was out the church from the back door, my fingers fondling the rosary around my neck.

Forgive me God anyway I've sinned.

I walked back in and a minute later Darcy walked out, done with her confession. I followed her to do a penance, picking one of my previous ones and doubling it.

"How was it?" Darcy had asked as we walked out of church, same thing mum just asked.

"Fine," I had answered too, same thing I'm saying now. "How was yours?"

"Splendid," Darcy answered skipping on her steps a bit as she grinned. "I got the new priest, he's American."

Now back to the car, my fingers itch a bit to touch the rosary beads on my neck but I don't dare take my hand away from the steering wheel.

"Did you get to see the American priest? How was he?" Mum nods her head. "They say he's young, recently ordained. Got an opinion?"

A lot of questions at once. "No mum, I didn't get to see him. Darcy got him though, said he's really nice."

Mum chuckles, "it's been a while since we got a new one here. I guess we'd find out tomorrow. I'm quite excited."

I glance at her quickly, "why?"

She shrugs, "new blood? Israel, are you sure you don't want to be a priest? It's not too late to join seminary."

I mentally groan, pulling into the market's parking lot. "Mum, I'm one hundred percent sure I don't want to be a priest or go to seminary."

She whacks my head, "sure, you don't." When we get down from the car, I help her carry her bag. "How are things with Darcy?"

"Huh?" I squeeze my face up in confusion for a moment before it finally clicks and I mumble out a, "fine."

"Hope you're concentrating on your books? A levels is next year and if you fail, you'd come work with me at the pharmacy, no bargaining."

"I won't fail," I push the door open for her to enter and some other women to get out before I go in, grabbing a basket and following her. "I'm reading."

"Because I don't want you thinking of nonsense and girls and relationships, Darcy's a serious girl too."

For God's sake...I don't think anything can stop me from thinking nonsense but she doesn't need to worry about girls and I'm not ready for a relationship yet and even if I am, no one would know about it. And I DON'T LIKE DARCY LIKE THAT.

But of course I don't tell mum any of this and I just nod in reply.

"And you both are good right, no more fights?" She looks at me and mistakes the mortified look on my face for shyness. She rolls her eyes, "I know all so feel free to tell me. We've all been your age before."

I want to scoff- yes, she's been my age but she doesn't know half of all, at all. She doesn't even know me.

"Uh," I scratch an itch at the back of my ear. "Darcy and I are good friends, yeah. That's really all."

Mum nods, dumping things into the basket. "She's a good girl, I trust her to make good decisions and you too. Always pray for guidance and you can talk to me about anything."

"Mum, I'm not a bad boy and I pray," I say, wondering why on Earth I returned back home after confession. Sky wasn't around but I could have just gone to see Jamal, maybe then I would have avoided shopping and this discussion.

"I know, I know," she gently taps my face looking at me once before she continues moving.

I roll my eyes behind her, looking up to the ceiling for help. I don't think she believes her herself but I'm really not a bad boy. Why do parents always seem to like other people's good children better than their own? It happens too if I go over to Darcy, it's the same thing. The Pickett's fawn over me to the embarrassment of Darcy. I can't beat myself up about it though, it's normal and doesn't actually bother me so much that Mum thinks Darcy is better than me. I think so too somehow.

We round the corner of a shelf and mum bumps into someone that looks eerily familiar. My eyes widen and I visibly shrink back as fear seizes my bones.

No no, Bloody-

"Ah, sorry there I didn't see you coming," the man apologies holding up the hand that wasn't holding his basket up.

"How would you when your head's stuck way up there," Mum accuses, eying him but not the venomous kind. It's a kind of foud, no smiles way.

Sky's dad laughs deeply, making me feel like it's Sky himself laughing. It's kinda familiar just not as deep, my heart would have swelled up if it wasn't so shrunken in. "Liz, you know it's not my fault you are short."

"Oh Lord give me the patience with this man," Mum sings before laughing. "It's been a while, David."

"Yeah, so much time has passed. What's your surname now?"

"Taylor," mum says like it's some kind of trophy, badge of honour. "You're looking at Mrs Liz Taylor." I guess it's kind of a thing of pride to be married to a well-to-do white banker.

He laughs, "you married well, I see."

"You know I did," she reaches back for me and I have to fight the urge to duck out before she grabs me. "And I gave birth well too." Mum grabs hold of my shirt and pulls me forward, "My son and youngest, Israel."

Mr Hunt looks up then, just seeing me for the first time. He blinks and smiles, "oh, Israel."

God please wake me up!

I nod, "Good afternoon Sir."

"You know each other?" Mum asks and I feel like someone is about squeeze my heart.

"Yeah um-" Mr Hunt catches my eyes then and narrows his at me after he sees what I suppose is my accurate pleading look. "I've seen him around."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," He says and I sigh in relief when I figure out he is not going to say anything more. "It's nice to see you Liz, I hope to run into you sometime and maybe we'd get a cup of tea together."

"Sure, have a splendid day," Mum waves as he rounds the corner, going the way we came.

"How do you guys know each other?" I ask mum when we continue our shopping.

"Oh we was classmates in the old days," she says then slightly slaps herself. "Were. We were classmates but he dropped out before sixth form, went out to the city and we never heard from him again. Not until his Mama died and he returned."

"Oh."

"You know his boy? Supposed to be in school with y'all."

Sky. "Um- somehow."

Mum clicks her tongue, "First I heard he was all sick, God save his soul and then I heard he ain't that good a kid. Running out doing stupid shit and honestly," she does the sign of the cross. "God save his soul too."

"He was all sick?" Is all I actually hear and is interested in. Was it the Charlotte stuff she's talking about differently or something else?

"And that's why I continue to say the city ain't no... isn't a place to raise a child. They get their head tied up in nonsense that messes them up. And then his mama left," she shakes her head. "Poor David."

"Sky isn't messed up mum," I defend under my breath, holding the basket tighter but she doesn't hear me.

"But don't mind me," Mum says grabbing my hand and pulling me forward. "He's going to turn alright, I pray. If only David would come to church with him, everyone can be saved."

Not everybody needs to go to church mum, I think but my mouth doesn't dare say it. I'd never hear the last of it and mum would take me to the priest afterwards.

"Yeah," I just say and the talk dies down moving on to another.

Mum tells me after all the shopping is done that she's not going home with me, she's got a meeting with other Christian mothers in church and afterwards they would be going to visit one of their own that's sick. She's going to be back home late and if Nessa's home, she should make dinner. She also instructs me on how to pack up the groceries carefully right before I drop her off at the church.

"Lot's of love," she kisses my cheek from the window.

I shake my head amused, "no one says that Mum."

"Shut up boy," she smiles and I do too before I drive off.

My mum is a lot of things, both the good and the bad but I love her. I love her so much that I can't break her heart by being a bad son and that includes coming out and being gay. It'll kill her. I won't be her proud son anymore and other mothers would talk to their sons about me while shopping, saying I'm messed up and all wrong. I can't do it, not in this life time at least.

*

When I get home, the house is all loud and booming and for a second I wonder if it's really my house the noise is coming from. As I open the door, my eyes almost drop out their sockets by what I see.

First, the loud noise is coming from a boom box vibrating on the living room table and filling the house with music and then second; Nessa's twerking on Josh.

"Oh my goodness," I shout incredulously dropping the bags down and covering my eyes and laughing. I did not just see that!

"It's Is!" Nessa screams and her hands all over me in a stumbling hug. "Welcome home baby bro."

"Nessa what are you doing? What if it was mum?" I ask, pushing her afro out of her face.

"Nah," she laughs. "Mum said she ain't gonna be home today 'cause of some meeting I for sure know she isn't going to miss."

"Are you drunk?"

She shakes her head, "nope it's just cider." She pinches her fingers. "With a little whiskey."

"Nessa!" I scream and I hear Josh laugh, making me up look at him accusingly.

"Bruv don't give me that look," Josh raises both hands up. "I tried to stop this, I swear."

"Whatcha y'all takin 'bout, I ain't doin nothin wrong," Nessa grabs my face making me look at her. "Is, it is- it ain't wrong. I'm avoiding wrong even," she swallows. "Mum said I can't go to the club everyone's going and I don't want to lie and go so I brought the party home with my boyfriend and I'm eighteen, cut me some slack."

I sigh, I guess she's right somehow. "Don't drink anymore whiskey, Ness." I say and she nods. "And Josh, I'd like you to leave here in good nick, so please no more drinking."

"Sure man."

"Let's nick on with this then," Nessa screams, leaving me and jumping into the arms of her boyfriend, their lips connecting.

I shake my head, locking up the door and putting the latch just in case. It's some Nigerian music playing when I pick on the bags to go in.

"Is, come party with us. It's Fireboy playing and he's on fire!"

"No thanks, enjoy yourself and remember you have to do dinner."

As I put in the groceries in the fridge, I realize one thing and I wonder two things. I realize that I would be making dinner tonight and I wonder if I'd ever live and have fun like Nessa and if I can ever do something like this without fear and shame with a boyfriend.

I also realize my life all sloppy without Sky and I miss him so so much and I want to kiss him and dance with him and I want mum to know about him and accept him.

But then again, I don't.

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I wanted us to meet more of Issy's mum in this chapter.

Thoughts?

Vote and comment.