"READY, ELEANOR?"

I fiddle with the strap of my camera in my hands, unable to acknowledge his question. The sun shines haphazardly through the the glass, the car's engine rumbling silently underneath the hum of the air conditioner. It hits the side of my arm; the golden hue bathes the paleness of my skin in a yellow bath.

My father sighs; the leather seat underneath him crinkles as he rotates himself in my direction. I keep my eyes averted to the ground, my thumb absentmindedly stroking the strap in a circular fashion. He reaches out a gentle hand and cups my wrist. The circular movements get faster.

"It only takes five minutes. You've survived each time," he tries to console my beating heart. I don't remind him of the thrashing in my chest, at the trepidation that haunts my thoughts with each visit, the painful memories that transpire every time I enter those translucent halls.

My father purses his lips, stroking the inside of my wrist gently, "You said the sting didn't even hurt anymore."

It wasn't the sting that hurt; it was the reminder of why I needed it in the first place that stung the most.

You'll never be normal, my mother's words echoed in the white noise.

I nod my head at my father, feeling my thumb scrape the fabric of the camera strap rapidly, unable to stop. The sunlight on my arms fades to a dull gleam until it dissipates and all I see is ivory. I glance out the window just as a cloud rolls over my head.

↛

As we pull up to the school a few hours later, I self-consciously pull down on the sleeve of my sweater, hiding evidence of my expedition. The bandage insistently peaks out and I find myself frowning, tears springing to my eyes without the permission from my brain.

You'll never be normal.

"Eleanor-" My father starts to say but all I hear is the car's engine rumbling silently underneath the hum of the air conditioner. I sit in the passenger's seat waiting for the sun to come out, but the clouds remain persistent, refusing to budge from above the car.

You'll never be-

I forcibly pull on the car handle, a whimper escaping as it refuses to comply. My father unlocks the doors and I stumble out, falling on my bandaged arm.

"Oh, God!" My father cries out, and I hear his door being shoved open, the clack of his shoes as he races towards where I lay on the ground, hugging my arm with eyes wide open in shock. "You didn't-- You're not bleeding, right? Eleanor!"

I remove my hand from the bandage shakily, hitching a breath. When we see no evidence of blood, I feel the weight on both our shoulders fall to the ground, where the metaphorical boulders lay beside me.

I'm fine, I mouth. I'm fine.

It sounds like I'm trying to reassure myself, rather than my father. He hugs me tight and I let him, and all I hear is the car's engine rumbling silently underneath the hum of the air conditioner.

And when I'm finally able to breathe, I find myself drawn to the entrance of the school and just barely, I see a familiar figure behind the windows and I feel my energy drain even more and I wait for the sun to come out but it keeps ignoring me and all I can hear is the car's engine rumbling as the air conditioner sputters out a wheeze before dying out completely.

↛

The rest of the day is a cycle. Wash, rinse, repeat.

I find myself gliding through the hallways at the end of the day, always tugging on my sleeve, always making sure I don't fall, making sure I don't bleed. My head is reeling from the medication; I'm swallowed by a haze of gray. In my hands, I fiddle with the strap of my camera strap, thumb circling rapidly.

"Eleanor!" I spin around in time to see Churai bounding towards me with a wide smile on her face, but as she inches closer it slides off until it is replaced by a frown and a crease in her eyebrows. "Hey... Are you okay?"

I try to tilt the corners of my mouth up in a small smile, but it comes out as a grimace. I reach for the notepad in my back pocket, pulling out a pen from my backpack and scribbling, just a bad day.

She seems skeptical but with another look in my direction, decides to let it go. "Alright," she says slowly. "Just wanted to check up on that article."

I rack my brain for an answer to her statement but I feel faint and groggy. The circular movements move faster.

Churai glances down; I try to stop. "The uhm," she shakes her head distractedly, "The article about The Strokes that you were talking about."

I shake my head no.

"It was supposed to be due by the end of the day."

I say nothing.

"Look, we have a deadline."

I say nothing.

Churai gives me another long look; I squirm under the attention.

"Alright," she steps forward and takes my hand, immediately jumping back. "Buddha, your hands are cold. Look, what we have here is a code ten." I frown in confusion.

She starts pulling me in the direction of the newspaper room. "A code ten is when a team member is going through something -- anything -- and needs immediate attention. It calls for," Churai takes a dramatic pause. "An emergency falafel dance party."

My eyes widen and for a second I forget about the medication. Churai shoots me a wicked grin, rounding the corner. This time, I have the energy to smile back. My thumb falls from the camera strap as we push open the doors.

The sunlight streams through the windows.

"Code ten!" Churai screams. The other members of the club cast me looks, yet before I have the chance to be uncomfortable their gazes linger elsewhere and they spring into action. Sophia offers me a warm smile as she presses her cell phone to her ear, "Hello? Falafel Waffle?"

Churai falls into step beside me, "Ready, Eleanor?"

I nod.

---

Fuck, it's been so long. I am so, so, so, so sorry. It got so busy for me and I never had time to write (or graphic design) and honestly I fell out of writing for a bit because I just didn't enjoy it anymore. But after a long consideration (and a careful reread of all my stories), I've decided that I hate unfinished business and so I'm back. Hopefully I'm here to stay, but we'll see where my motivation takes me.

As for this chapter, it may not make sense. It may make you guys even more confused. I'm sorry if you cry. But I'm willing to hear your theories about Eleanor in the comments, and I hope you'll continue to stick with Shutter despite the sporadic updating! Love you all! xoxo