Is it bad that I want more?
Is it too late for us?

Trigger warning: mentions of SA

Leo

I'm awoken to the beep of a heart monitor.

My brain is clouded in confusion. It throbs so painfully, and I can barely turn my neck to the left or the right. My vision is blurry, and everything is dizzy for a moment until I hear someone speak up. The voice sounds far away, and I'm not able to make out the voice, but it's familiar.

"Hey guys, he's waking up," the person says. They have such a calm, sweet, soft voice, and for some reason, my heart thuds in my chest at the sound of the voice.

"He's waking up, guys, he's waking up!"

I hear footsteps rushing over to me, and by the time my eyes are fully opened, I see five different faces staring down at me. It takes a few more seconds to get adjusted to everything, and then that's when everything dawns on me.

"Leo, you okay?" Ivy asks, her eyes boring into mine sympathetically as she takes my second hand in hers and I'm just realizing that she has been holding my hand for a while now. I try to nod, but my entire body feels like I was put through a grinding machine.

"What's going on? What happened?"

"You... you swallowed the whole fucking bottle of Tylenol, you idiot," Jeremy says, and a ripple runs through me at the sight of him.

I look at each and every one of them, my eyes jumping from one face to the other as they look down at me in sympathy and...care?

I shake my head. "Oh my God, I actually... I did that."

And then I remember...

Shit, I was not supposed to come back.

I feel selfish for that thought, but I don't know. The thought that I was never gonna come back actually is pretty scary, though.

"What was wrong with me? Why did I do that?" I whisper to myself, and I shut my eyes, not able to look at any of them.

A nurse comes over to do a few checks on me and asks me a few questions. Her eyes brighten as she takes in the sight of me awake.

"We thought we were gonna lose you when we calculated the amount you took and the time frame and how low on energy you were and everything, the probability was really low. We didn't believe you were going to survive, but I'm so happy... you have... we called your parents, and they picked up the call, but they weren't able to come over. They want to speak to you once you are discharged."

I draw a breath but nod as she goes into a room at the back to go through some stuff.

My friends huddle back around me. "Leo, can you please explain why you did what you did?" Ivy asks, her eyes burning with tears. I shake my head.

"Guys, I'm sorry." I see they're actually all crying now.

"We thought we were going to lose you, you idiot," Jeremy says, and he's the one who can't even look at me, but he's sobbing the most. Out of all of them, he's the only one who's mad as well and he has every right to be mad, but at the same time, he doesn't understand what I've gone through all this while.

I look back and forth at each and every one of them. "Guys, I'm gonna talk to you about this but can Ivy and I be alone for a while, please?"

Ivy's brows furrow, and they all look back and forth between each other before nodding, giving us privacy.

The room is quiet for a bit before she starts speaking.

"Leo, I'm sorry..."

I purse my lips and try to focus on the polka dot patterns on my gown.

"It happened so fast and I wasn't thinking and Asher was being so -"

"Stop," I say flatly. "you kissed him back. You didn't push him away, you wanted it. You wanted to kiss him, that just shows that you like him."

"No, Leo it's you that I like-"

"So why'd you kiss him?! Huh? You want to have it all, you can't! That's not fair."

The room goes silent and my head resumes spinning. I run my hand through my hair.

"Sorry... it's just. You broke me Ivy. It was partly your fault that I did...this..."

"I'm so sorry Leo," she says, sobbing. He bed dips as she takes a seat beside me, taking my hand in hers.

I want to drag it away but at the same time I don't. Her touch is comforting, it always has been.

"Why would you do that Ivy?" I have to ask. "was I not enough for-"

"No, I promise it's not that. You were more than enough," she sobs. "You were everything."

"So why did you do it? You know if you wanted to be with him you could've just told me, let me go easily without doing what you did."

"But I don't want to be with him, I don't want to let you go," she whispers.

I shake my head. "We should take a break. Until when I don't know but it's best for us. I need to process this...to process everything, heck Ivy I tried to kill myself..."

She squeezes my hand tighter and sobs quietly. "I was so scared...and I felt so guilty. I felt it was my fault."

"It's not just your fault Ives. It's just... I'm going through a lot these days and I had nothing else to do... it's not an excuse but I just didn't know what to do with everything I was feeling."

I look up at her and wipe a tear from her cheeks as she stares down at me. She bites her lip.

I want to kiss her but I can't.

"I'm sorry," she says once more.

I nod. "The bucket list. I want to put it on hold too."

◑ ⁠◑⁠ ◑

Jade

I shut my eyes as I tap the deactivate button which is glaring at me in bold red print and throw my phone to the other side of the bed.

I can't believe I just did that.

I just deactivated my last social media account. I take a deep breath and let out a shuddering one, and as I let out the breath, I feel so...light.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I just can't explain it. Now that I don't have a TikTok, Instagram or any other account, I feel like there's no person I have to always impress or put my best self forward for.

It's a feeling I just can't explain. And I'm realizing for the first time that this tight knot in my chest has always been there due to the pressure of pleasing people and always appearing perfect for everyone, and it's suddenly gone missing.

What made me do this? What caused me to tie myself to this lifestyle?

I don't know. But then again, I think I do know. I did make an apology video before deactivating my account because I couldn't stand to leave my followers confused. I just told them briefly about how the whole thing with cosmetics caused some problems that I wouldn't disclose, and how I'd be going on an indefinite hiatus. I apologized for just leaving them like that, but it was for my mental health, and I felt like I did the right thing.

After sitting in my room, scrolling through the same social media but as a consumer instead of a content creator, I feel inspired to shoot a dance video that I'm not going to post. So I set up my camera, put on a casual dancing outfit and break out into a dance to a popular K-pop song. A Stray kids song called Chk Chk boom. It's not really my style; my style is more of a slow, expressive movement, but oh, come on, it's Stray kids, the choreo is fire.

When I'm done dancing to the bridge of the song and I pass out on my bed, I shut off the camera and just sit there, not really knowing what to do with myself. And then it dawns on me... I should start dancing, like, take it more seriously. After the whole thing with Austin, that guy I met at the dance studio, I stopped coming there because it always felt weird knowing he might be there. But I don't care anymore. I'm gonna keep going back to the studio; I love dancing, and I'm gonna keep doing it.

***

I have a good time in the studio, and we do a lot of dancing to K-pop songs, surprisingly, which I'm in the mood for after my session with Stray Kids. I walk back to my dorm alone, listening to KATSEYE, although they aren't k-pop, and a few other songs from my favourite artists.

I meet Rhea on the way back to the dorms.

"Hi, Jade," she says, giving me a nod.

'Hey, what's up?"

I jog over to her.

Rhea shrugs, running her hand through her hair. She has a light pink streak, similar to the one I got the day we dyed our hair.

"You know, stuff's just happening and I'm trying to use you guys' drama to distract myself from mine."

I raise my hand to cover my mouth again. "Oh my God, Rhea, I forgot. I'm so sorry. You know each and every one of us has our own stuff going on. It's like we're not even focusing on one person. It's like we can't even be there for each other."

"No, that's not true," she says. "You guys have been here for me. Just... let's not talk about it."

I nod, and we continue walking. "Oh yeah, how's the exams been for you?" I ask. "It's been okay, I guess. The one we wrote yesterday was a bit tricky."

"Deadass," she says. "There was this particular question, I think it was an essay question on character's emotional states."

"Yeah...and it had a lot of marks."

"We'll pass, don't worry," I say.

"Yeah, that's easy for you to say," she replies. "Since you can just... I don't know... find a way to just go on, even if you fail... I'm here on scholarship, if I fail, I get dropped out."

"I'm sorry, that's true," I mumble. "But come on, Rhea, I trust you. You're going to pass. The school is lucky to have you as a student."

"I guess...I could use a little flattery these days."

We both laugh.

We walk in silence for a while. Suddenly, something pops up in her head, and I see her eyes brighten but before she's about to speak, her phone suddenly starts ringing. She rolls her eyes and takes it out of her pocket.

She raises a brow at the number, picking up the call cautiously and taking the phone up to her ear. "Hello, who's this?"

"Hey, is this Rhea?" I hear from the speaker.

Rhea freezes, halting her tracks. Her eyes widen, and I watch as her hands begin to tremble slightly.

◑ ⁠◑⁠ ◑

Rhea

"Hello?"

"No, no, no," I whisper. "Who are you?" I aske, and I just can't pinpoint it, but I can recognize that voice.

"Is this Rhea?"

"Yeah," I manage to get out, amidst the shaking of my hands and thumping of my heart.

"Prove it," he says. "Prove it to me. Green or black?"

I actually let out a chuckle.

What the fuck is going on?

"Black," I reply.

"Um, book or movie?"

"Movie."

As he asks more questions, I can slowly recognize his voice and towards the end, I already know who it is.

"Jason..." I say, and the smile in my voice is too noticeable.

"Rhea, oh my God, I'm so happy I'm able to reach you."

"Jason, wait, how did you get my number?"

"It's a long story you don't wanna know. It's 2024, and anything is possible."

God, I missed him so much.

"Jason, oh my God...can we...?" That's when I remember that Jade is standing right next to me. I urge her to follow me as I talk with him, and she respectfully stays quiet as we walk.

"How have you been? Where are you?"

"After you told me to run, I...I just ran and ran. I didn't know where I was running to. Someone found me, and I... I don't know how, I found myself in a train and I saw myself in New York, and I started a life there. I'm currently going to college, I'm studying engineering, and... honestly, it's been pretty good for me so far. But anyway, how about you? Have you missed me?"

I give another dry chuckle.

"Oh my God, I don't even know where to start. Where should I start?"

He laughs into the phone. "Rhea, you are scaring me right now. What do you mean? Is this good or is this bad news?"

"It's a mix of it."

Jade and I find ourselves in a secluded corner close to a dorm building and we sit on one of the benches that sits in front of the building. The place is deserted, so I can have the conversation in private.

"So, um, basically, I left the gang, I ran away, and I found someone, her name is Marley, she took me to her house, and we started a relationship. Um...I started focusing more on music, and I got a scholarship to university."

"I'm so happy to hear that. You deserve it. You are obsessed with music, and I don't know what else you're going to do with your life."

"Thanks," I reply with a faint smile. "I've got some friends, and everything was going great. But last week, I started getting symptoms of something that I was... um, suspecting, and I went to the hospital, and I found out that I had... I have lung cancer."

The phone goes dead silent at the other end for longer than I can take.

"Jason?"

"Y...yeah?" He stammers. "Jesus Christ, Rhea. I can't believe that."

I let out another dry chuckle. "Yeah, me neither."

"Oh my God, what's... how are you?"

"Well, I'm fine," I reply, just not knowing what to think of it. "I'm just going with the flow right now."

"Are you okay?"

"Well, I'm not okay. My mental health is plummeting, but like physically, I mean, besides the fact that I have lung cancer... I don't know."

"I mean..." he stutters.

I chuckle, taking a shuddering breath. I think about it for a split second before I make up my mind.

"Jace there's something I need to tell you..."

"Yeah, what's that?"

I turn to look at Jade who's staring at me curiously.

I take a deep breath, trusting her as a fellow girl...and begin to narrate the story.

"After you ran away," I begin mostly to Jason. "they figured that it was my fault and so they all planned to teach me a lesson. I didn't know what it was but I knew they were going to do something bad. So I packed and ran.

"It was the closest thing to a home that I had in a long time but I figured it was safer to leave. I ran way late at night, probably midnight and I thought I was finally free...

"Until they found me. They all appeared from nowhere. I was in an alley, they cornered me from every side and I hadn't felt more scared in my life. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't run, I couldn't fight...

"Daniel told me that I betrayed them and that I had to pay for it. And so they....they..."

I take a deep breath and by now I'm sobbing. I finger the part on my arm where the symbol of the gang is tattooed on.

"They what Rhea?" Jason urges.

"They raped me...all of them..."

Everywhere goes silent for a while and I have no strength to speak either because I'm sobbing like a child, my body racks and my chest heaves as I cry, trembling in Jade's arms.

"I'm so sorry that happened to you Rhea," she sympathises. "that's fucked up."

"That asshole!" Jason cries from the other end of the phone. "and he's just out there..."

"It's okay, I never want to see him again..."

"No!" he screams, his anger almost matching mine. "he has to pay for that! If you won't do anything then I will."

"Jason," I beg through my tears. "Please just let it go."

"And you've carried that trauma for so fucking long. It's not... it's not fair Rhea..."

"I know..."

"He's right," Jade adds quietly.

I let out another shuddering breath, feeling a wave of nausea wash over me. I just want to lay down and sleep.

"Rhea, you helped me in the past and I think it's time I pay you back for that."

What the hell does he want to do now?