I just want you to know
I can't take it anymore
I can't sleep
~•~

Asher

Life. That's what is written on the black T-shirt that I'm putting on. I don't think it's a surprise that it's Leo's idea for us to wear the T-shirts. He wants us to hand out lemons to strangers with the t-shirts on and then tell them to make orange juices with them. It's a typical Leo thing at this point, I'm not even surprised.

Anyway, it might be fun and I'm surely going to laugh if anyone tries it, but I'm definitely not gonna participate. Like hell no.

I feel like if you think about the original meaning of the statement when life hands you lemons... make lemonade, we all know that it means when life gives you opportunities, you use them, but in this situation it has a different meaning that I prefer. Handing out lemons and then telling them to make orange juice, I feel like it shows the reality of being alive and having opportunities and stuff, and being expected to achieve something totally different from the resources you have. Life is confusing.

***

When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has gleaned my teeming brain,
Before high-pilèd books, in charact'ry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripened grain

When I behold, upon the night's starred face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;

And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love-then on the shore

Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.

I zone out during the lecture I'm currently having. Although it's is pretty interesting one where we're talking about a poem from John Keats, whose works I really admire, I can't help but focus on something else.

I've tried for the past few days not to think about what happened between me and Ivy, but it's hard. I don't understand how the more I don't want to think about it, the more I do. It's actually killing me inside slowly. I wish I could just erase her from my mind, but it's impossible. She's always around me, she's everywhere, even when she's not there. The fact that she kissed me back proves that she likes me and that's crazy because she obviously is in love with Leo.

I regret doing it and at the same time I don't because I know I wanted to do it. I always have. It was my fault; I shouldn't have drunk, I shouldn't have said those things I said, shouldn't have admitted to liking her...and in such a way...

I don't even know if she's gonna tell him and I'm sure she hasn't yet because I'll know, we'll all know, everything will be messed up.

I've messed things up, I always mess things up, and I don't know what to do to fix it.
But I know that no matter what happens, it's best to just pretend as if nothing happened.

Somehow, I still feel guilty about pushing her away. Literally. More than anything, I wanted to run towards her and hold her in my arms, to make her stop hurting and stop crying. Seeing her cry like that broke me, and I just wanted her to be alright. I don't want to hurt her; it's the last thing I want to do. But I feel like this is easier, it's better, because at the end of the day, I'm doing us both a favour. I can't possibly let down my guard fully again for another person, and I do not want to put her through all the confusion and frustration which is me. So, even if I do look like the villain, and I do feel like the villain, I know that I'm doing us both good.

I shift further away from the rest of the group and stand on the side of the road, while they all stand there shamelessly holding bags of lemons, still donning the T-shirts that say "Life." Leo has tried, without any atom of shame in him, to give a few people lemons, but no one has answered him, and it's getting kind of funny. I wish he would actually feel a bit of embarrassment and tell us to go back.

Finally, he actually does get someone to talk to him. A pretty blonde girl who's giggling at the four of them. I try my best to hide, but I think she notices me. I look away immediately.

"Hey," Leo says, flashing her a charming smile. She continues giggling, as he hands out a lemon to her.

"You should use this to make some orange juice," he tells her.

The blonde, who laughs in response, shakes her head and actually collects the lemon from him. Leo flashes another signature smile at her, and she blushes under his stare before waving goodbye. Ivy looks back and forth between them with a strange look on her face.

Is that jealousy in her eyes...?

Leo and Ivy have been acting differently, ever since we met up today. They haven't talked that much, they don't even touch each other and now I think of it, I can't remember the last time I saw them give each other eye contact.

What happened between them?

My heart does somersaults as I imagine possible scenarios. Does Leo know about the kiss? But there's no way he knows about that, because he hasn't even confronted me about it.

A few minutes later, after Leo and the rest hand out a few more lemons to more people than I expect, telling them to make orange juice to their amusement, we all decide to head back to campus. As we reach the gate, Leo takes out a lemon and hands it over to me.

"Wanna make some orange juice?" he jokes with his usual playful smile, but under the gleam of his eyes, I can see something else brimming in there. I look downwards at the lemon and back up at him.

◑ ⁠◑⁠ ◑

Jade

For the first time in my life, I feel like I have no purpose. I don't know what I want to do with myself, with my life, and it's really scary. All my life, I've always had everything perfect. The friends that I choose, my daily routine, each and everything is planned. I know when I'm gonna have a vacation at a certain time of the year, I know when I'm gonna have my spa day, I know when I'm going to go on TikTok to make a video, and everything has been working in my favour, just how I like it. You can call me a spoiled brat, but I don't care. It's a nice kind of life knowing exactly what's going to happen at any interval, and it's reassuring.

With my old friends, I always think about what I'm going to say, how I'm going to look, how I'm going to portray myself to someone, if they see me as hot, rich, classy, if they look up to me or not.

These days, I feel like most of the things that are happening have been out of my control, and it's driving me crazy, to say the least. I've stopped caring mostly about what people think of what I wear, I've stopped caring about what they think of how I speak, what they think about me in general. And although it scares me, it's actually kind of liberating. And I think I know the reason.

It's my new friends. As much as I wouldn't like to admit it, it's the truth. Ever since I met these guys, I've been changing slowly, and I'm just realizing it. My style of dressing has started to be more casual, more carefree. I started to care less about looking the most glamorous out of everyone around me.

My old friends, they cared about that. If maybe a shirt didn't really match a skirt or trousers or something, they'll point it out, and they always want to make me look my best. We had to always look better than everyone else. But these guys, they don't care, and not in a bad way. I can wear whatever I want, or act however I want and they'll accept me nevertheless. Because of that, I feel so free.

It might be crazy because ever since my best friend, Dana and I split up, I haven't actually felt loved and accepted by anyone, even my old friends. I only felt like I fit in with them. I never really felt accepted because I knew deep down I wasn't being myself. I was just being what they wanted me to be because I just wanted to be a part of something, be noticed, be looked at, envied...getting attention feels good. With Leo and the others, I'm able to laugh without caring how I look. I'm able to say things that's I wouldn't normally say, I'm able to be carefree, and I love it.

And it's still hard for me to just give myself away completely because I don't know if we'll still be together after the first semester. I think I shouldn't care about that now. I'm just happy to be around them.

***

"Where are we going?" I ask as we stroll out of campus.

"McDonald's," Leo replies flatly, running his hand through his hair.

"Why?" Rea asks.

"Why not?" Leo says, and she nods.

"Fair point."

We walk in silence till we get to the closest McDonald's from school, and head straight to order our meals. We all order things ranging from burgers to fries to chicken nuggets to sodas to milkshakes. Until it gets to Leo's turn.

"I'm gonna order... a fry," Leo says finally.

The guy standing behind the counter nods absentmindedly, arranging up someone else's order. "Coming right up."

"No no," Leo says, leaning on the counter lazily, staring at him with the most serious expression I've ever seen on him. "a fry. Like... just one."

It takes a few seconds for what he's saying to register, and we all, including the guy at the counter, burst out laughing.

It's at that moment that we all-besides the guy at the counter-realize that it was in the bucket list, and how Leo caught us off guard made it even better.

"Alright then," the guy says, and then walks proceeds to get our orders.

"Leo, you are such an idiot," Rhea says.

After we pay, grab our orders and sit around the table, not really saying anything, I look back and forth between the rest, and as I actually do concentrate on them, I start to realize that something feels different about the group. The most surprising of them all is Ivy and Leo. Now that I think about it, I'm realizing that they both have not been communicating like normal. Usually, Leo is always by Ivy's side, maybe he's touching her hand or they're laughing or joking or bantering, but now they've barely even given the other eye contact.

What the hell is going on in this group?

I don't like it. I'm finally starting to feel amongst a group of people, and now it feels like we are just not connecting, and I hate that. And I do sense a lot of secrets between us, and I think we need to start telling each other. And to show that, I'm gonna go first.

"Um, guys, there's something I need to tell you," I start, and they all snap their heads towards me.

"What's that?" Leo says.

"Well," I begin, and before I can think too much about it, I let it all out. "actually, the bandage on my nose, it wasn't a fall from making a TikTok video. It was actually a surgery that I had. Long story short, I got a brand ambassador deal with Lumina cosmetics, I didn't tell you guys, so they suggested I get some surgeries, and it was during the nose job something happened, medical complication, and I almost lost my life..."

"Oh my God," Ivy gasps. "are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Stuff happens, but I'm fine. And I'm not gonna do any surgeries anymore but I'm kind of frustrated about it, cause my parents are going to be more strict with me from now on,and...my brand ambassador deal... I don't know, it's not like it's gone, but I don't know if I'll get more opportunities. I just wanted to tell you because I feel like I've been keeping some things from you guys, and we've come far at this point, and I feel like we should be telling each other some stuff. And I don't wanna keep things from you guys. I also hope you guys can do the same."

"I'm sorry about that Jade," Leo says, giving me a warm smile. "The most important thing is that you're okay."

"Yeah," they chorus and my heart warms.

"Just...keep yourself safe okay?" Ivy says I nod before we begin to dig into our food.

We all sit in silence for some time before Leo snaps us out of our trance by picking up his single fry and placing it into his mouth, staring at us without saying a word.

"Tastes good."

◑ ⁠◑⁠ ◑

Rhea

"Do you want some of mine?" Ivy asks, offering her basket of fries to Leo. Leo doesn't even give her eye contact; he just shakes his head.

"No thanks, I'm good." I look back and forth between them and I think the rest of the table notices but no one says anything.

"Um," I begin, clearing my throat. "I'm glad that you're able to tell us what happened to you Jade, and I'm also glad you're okay.I do agree that as we are becoming closer, obviously, I think we should be telling each other stuff. So... I'll just go ahead and say that... I was diagnosed with lung cancer."

Ivy gasps and everyone stops whatever they're doing to stare at me. I tense up at their intense looks and the suddenly uncomfortable atmosphere. I try to focus on the sounds of people chatting and laughing at the tables all around us. maybe if I focus on their happiness... I'll feel less hopeless...

"I'm so so sorry, when did this happen? When did you find out?" Jade asks, still staring at me with furrowed brows as she blinks back tears. I stare down hard at the table.

"It was last week that I found out. I'd suspected it and Asher followed me to the hospital. Everything happened so fast. When the doctor told me the diagnosis, I was so devastated but I can't even be sad because it's my fault I'm the one who started smoking even when I knew that smoking is bad but I didn't care I didn't listen and I... I just don't know what to do. It doesn't matter anymore. I just... I'm just happy you guys are here."

"Rhea I need you to know that no matter what happens, whether you decide to do treatment, whatever you want to do, we're here to support you okay?" Leo says, in the most serious state I've ever and would probably ever see him.

"Thank you Leo, thank you guys." I blink back tears that are rushing to my eyes.

Ever since I was a kid I've always had the dream of being a famous pop star or singer and I really did believe in that dream. I was happy and everything was great for a while. When my parents died in the house fire... it suddenly dawned on me that I was not gonna achieve this dream. It was the very first time that I really felt it slipping away from me and I kind of accepted that I was never going to be happy, that I was never gonna have the kind of life that I've wanted for a long time.

When I got the scholarship to study music at Winchester, when I moved in with Marley, got to Winchester, met Leo and the rest, studying, everything started to look so good, I actually felt that...hey, maybe it could still work out. But now...after this diagnosis, I'm realizing that if life just wants to make sure that you're never happy it's gonna make sure that you're never happy. I'm realizing that I'm just not just destined for happiness.

I don't know how long I have left. I don't wanna think about it or do anything about it. No matter how long I have left, I just want everyone that I care about to be around me and I want to do as many things as possible as I can before time is up. It's why I'm grateful for the bucket list and the guys, for Marley, for every other every person that has done good to me and that is enough for now, frankly.

Leo nods and then sniffles a little bit before clearing his throat. "Um...since we're sharing secrets, I think you guys should know something." He takes a deep breath before letting out quietly. "Ivy and I broke up."

There's an audible gasp from Jade. Asher just stares at him, wide-eyed, looking like he just saw a ghost. Ivy looks down hard at the table, playing with her fingers.

What the fuck? Why would they break up?
They seem like the couple of the year. What the hell happened?

"What? Why did you guys break up?" I have to ask.

I look back at Asher. Asher looks away. I look back at Leo. No one wants to look at each other, except for Jade and I. At that moment, we both smile, but we realize that the moment is serious so the smiles are wiped away immediately.

"She cheated on me."

I glance back at Ivy, who's still not looking at anyone. My heart drops. This is bad.

What's happening?

"She and Asher..." Leo continues, and I snap my head to Asher. "They kissed." "She told me."
I glance at my friend.

"You kissed her?" I ask him. "When did all this happen?"

Asher suddenly gets up from the table. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm... I'm so sorry, guys. This is all my fault. I should... I should leave" he says, and he hurries out of the restaurant in a flash.

I just stare back and forth between Ivy and Leo. Ivy sniffs, running her hand over her face, and then she suddenly gets up, apologising and leaving as well.

The rest of us are just sitting at the table, and the whole mood, the whole afternoon is ruined. One bomb is just dropping after the other...and I hope there aren't more.

What the fuck is happening?