Wait

"Napalabas mo ba?" ngiwi ni Tita.

"Nagmaldita lang po," mahina kong sagot at napailing.

Mag-isa lang ako sa table noong lumabas si Cyan na nakasuot ng itim na tube dress at kumikinang pa iyon. He's wearing heels and shades that complimented his dress. Napaayos ako ng upo habang naglalakad siya papunta sa table ng mga kaibigan niya.

Akala ko hindi lalabas? Nag-ayos kaya pala natagalan. Ibang klaseng ganda na naman ang pinalabas niya...

"Akala ko hindi na kami sisiputin, baklang 'to!" irap ng kaibigan niya.

"Where's the fun in that?" ngisi niya sabay baba ng shades.

Gabi na, ah? Oo nga, maliwanag naman pero baka madapa siya kasi hindi niya makikita ng maayos. Siguro fashion sense niya?

Napatikhim ako at sinuklay ang wolf cut kong buhok nang bahagya siyang lumingon sa pwesto ko. He looked around before rolling his eyes at me when he realized that I was staring at him.

"Guilty?" he mouthed as he flipped his body to turn his back against my direction.

Gandang maldita na naman, tss...

Nanonood lang ako sa kaniya habang nakikipagtawanan, nakikipag-inuman sa mga kasama at kaibigan niya. His circle is so loud, and most of them were gays. Mga naka-cropped tops, makikintab ang accessories, at halos magkakasingtinis ang tawa na parang choir na sabay-sabay kung sumagot!

"Last time nakaganyan ka rin na tube? Pero mas bagay sa 'yo yung red. I assume, it's your favorite?" malisyosong biro ng isang lalaki na pamilyar sa akin.

Mas maganda yung itim kay Cyan, tumitingkayad yung pagkamestiso niya.

"At least ako, marunong sumuot ng kulay na hindi mukhang uniform," sagot niya na ikinahalakhak ng tropa niya.

"Mga baklang 'to, magkabalikan na lang kasi kayo!" halakhak ng isa pa.

Kumunot ang noo ko at kumuha ng tinidor, hawak iyon sa pagitan ng nakakuyom kong palad sabay saksak sa cake na inilapag ni Tita sa harapan ko kanina.

Ex niya 'yan? Siya ba yung nasa mall noon na hinapit na lang basta sa bewang si Cyan? May ganoon ba? Hindi ba dapat ay hindi na nagiging magkaibigan ang mag-ex?

It's either they didn't move on yet, or they didn't fall in love at all. Pero siguro gusto pa rin nila ang isa't isa kasi may mga glimpses pa ng mga natatandaan kay Cyan dati.

"Mga teh, seryoso nga, ha," ani noong naka-hot pink blazer, hawak-hawak ang baso, pabalik-balik ang mata kay Cyan at sa ex niya. "Chos, meron pa kayo o zero na, besh?"

I munched the cake hastily, my brow furrowing at the question.

Nagsitilian sila. "Chikahan na, mga beshie, spill the tea!" sabay sabay nilang sigaw, halatang lasing at wala nang filter.

"Kung may something pa, edi sana hindi na ex, 'di ba?" Cyan retaliated.

Bakit kasi nakatalikod sa akin? Pwede namang humarap. Ganyan kagalit sa akin?

"Pero bakit parang..." singit noong isang bakla na may eyeliner na kulay asul. "Parang ang dami pa ring tensyon sa inyong dalawa. Grabe yung titigan kanina! Si Nile talaga!"

Nile, huh?

"Beshie, yung titigan niyo kanina, bet na bet ko! My gosh, sis! Hindi 'yan normal! May pa-slow-mo pa kayong nalalaman. Type mo naman ang mga borta dahil kay Papi Nile, 'di ba?"

"Titigan?" Tumawa yung Nile at kitang-kita sa pwesto ko yung pagtitig niya kay Cyan. "Obvious naman. How could you not look?"

I rolled my eyes and placed the strands of my hair behind my ear, scrunching my nose to prevent myself from sneezing.

"Aminin mo na kasi! Magbabalikan kayo, 'no? Ugaling showbiz talaga 'tong baklang 'to!" Binatukan ng isa si Cyan na natatawa lang na inayos ang magulong buhok.

"Why would I go back to something that already failed? I don't recycle, babes. I upgrade."

Nakatitig pa rin si Nile sa kaniya. "Upgrade? Hmm. Kung upgrade, bakit hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong nakikitang bago?"

Nagtilian ulit yung tropa niya— iyong sobrang tinis at masakit sa tenga. Yung iba ay pumalakpak, yung isa naman tumawa nang sobrang lakas na halos matumba sa upuan. 

Bakit parang proud pa siya? Anong pinagmamalaki nitong si Nilugaw? Wala na nga sila, pero andiyan pa rin, parang lumang chewing gum na ayaw matanggal.

"Baka kasi hindi lahat ng bagay kailangang ipakita, Nile. Hindi lahat ng upgrade, para sa mata ng iba. You get me?"

"Ah..." Ngumisi rin si Nile, nakasandal sa upuan at nakakrus ang mga braso. "So secret lover pala or imaginary? Baka kasi wala naman talaga."

I sneezed and scrunched my nose again.

"Mga bading, maglapchukan na lang kayo!"

Napakagat ako sa tinidor at dinilaan ang icing. I should go home... I don't like the ambience here— it's too crowded and suffocating for me.

"At least kung imaginary man, mas totoo pa rin kaysa sa pagmamahal na binigay mo dati. Cheap and forgettable," bawi ni Cyan na mas lalong ikinaingay nila.

Bakit natatandaan pa rin?

I stood up and dropped the fork on the plate, creating a noise. Tumayo ako at pumunta sa table na malapit kina Cyan. Dumiretso ako kay Tita Ariana na nakikipag-usap sa ibang kasama niya roon sa table.

"May nota at poganda siya!"

"Shuta, yung jawline, sis, parang panghiwa ng mangga!"

"True! Ang kinis ng panga, beh! Pangsampal-sampal ng kapalaran!"

"At yung eyes, bakla! May pa-brooding effect. Crush ko na!"

"Si kuya wolf cut ay pang-goodnight at good morning, pati pang goodluck sa exam!"

Kumunot ang noo ko bago bumulong kay Tita Ariana. "Tita, una na po ako, medyo masama po yung pakiramdam ko. Masarap po yung cake..."

"Hindi mo muna hihintayin ang Mommy mo?" tanong niya.

Umangat ako ng tingin at napalunok habang hinahanap si Mommy. I saw her talking with her friends, yet her eyes were glancing at me from time to time. Sinuklay ko ang buhok sabay gulo ang sa likod na bahagi no'n.

"Mga bakla, hindi ako prepared. May ganitong specimen pala rito?"

"Sino 'tong walking tall glass of tubig na 'to? Ang lambot niya gumalaw, sissy! Mukha siyang duckling sa Tom and Jerry!"

"Sis, wait lang! Ang kinis ng fez, parang wala pang kasalanan sa mundo! Pa-kiss, papi!" They kept on tilting their heads towards my direction.

"Busy pa po siya, Tita," sagot ko sabay baling sa kaniya na salubong ang kilay sa tinignan ko kanina. "Mauuna na po ako..."

"Secret, gatekeep ko 'yan," I heard Cyan.

"Kurutin ko kepyas mo, teh!"

"Wala siyang kepyas, teh! Wala kang makukurot!"

"Hindi ka magpapaalam kay Cyan?" bulong ni Tita.

"Ayaw po akong kausapin, eh," iling ko bago umalis, nilingon pa saglit si Tita Ariana na kumaway sa akin.

I stormed out their gate with a heavy heart. Bumuntong-hininga ako bago umakyat sa tree house ko. I silently crawled to the edge of my window and watched them from above here. The music is too loud and I can't seem to sleep, so I'll just distract myself here.

"May bago siyang vlog?" bulong ko at pumwesto sa kama sabay lapag ng sketchpad at iilang lapis.

Automatic, I started with soft lines— hair falling to the side, a curve of a cheekbone and his jawline. I wasn't thinking and just letting my hand move. Pero nang matapos ko ang rough outline ay napahinto ako.

"Tsk," I muttered with my lips pouting a bit, as I closed the sketchpad.

It took me a while. Nanatili akong nakatulala sa vlog ni Cyan at ramdam ang pangangati ng kamay. Binuksan ko ulit ang sketchpad. This time, instead of stopping, I leaned in.

Wala akong nakuhang vlog sa art ko sa kaniya, ah? Dagdagan ko ulit para meron, kailangan ko kasi ng constructive criticism kaya dapat mag-vlog siya tungkol doon.

Ginawa kong mas stylized. I made his eyes a little brighter, his hair— shinier, and his lip— glossier. Parang yung mga fanart na nakikita ko online sa mga vlogger or idols. Nilagyan ko pa ng kaunting sparkle sa gilid ng mata, at mas idinetalye ko yung nunal sa gilid ng mata niya.

Idinetalye ko talaga, kasi iyon yung bagay na hindi ko kayang palampasin.

"It's not colorful..." bulong ko habang nakatitig sa mga mata niya roon sa sketch.

Magugustuhan niya kaya? Hindi naman kasi ata black and white ang hilig niyang kulay.

"You're not gonna upload about it?" I murmured as I tapped the subscribe then unsubscribe button.

It's been three days! I sent my work through his email account. Wala bang reaction video? Gagawa ako ulit kapag hindi siya gagawa ng vlog niya tungkol doon!

Nag-scroll ako, inaantok na dapat pero lumabas ang notification: Cyan started a live.

Alas tres ng umaga? Natulog ba siya? Wala pang limang segundo ay pinindot ko na at agad na napatitig sa mukha niyang walang kahit anong make-up. It was plain and his eyes were red.

Napaupo ako at mas lalong nilapit ang mukha roon sa screen. Umiyak ba siya o kagigising lang niya? Nakaupo siya sa kama niya— naka-oversized shirt, magulo ang buhok at tanging lamp shade lang ang bukas.

"Wow, isa lang ang nanonood." Sabay ngiti niya sa screen. "Hi... late na yata or early, depende sa perspective mo." He giggled.

Ngumuso ako bago nagtipa.

oce.sketches: Umiyak ka?

Tumawa siya ng mahina at humiga kaya't lumabas ang taba sa ilalim ng panga niya. I screenshotted it and listened to him. His eyes looked fluffy that I wish no one would see him in this state right now.

Kaya panay ang tingin ko sa viewers at napanguso, kinukubli ang ngiti, nang makitang isa pa rin iyon.

"Yeah, stress lang ako sa acads lately." Sumingkit ang mata niya nang tumawa.

oce.sketches: Paano 'yan kapag mag-aaral ka bukas?

oce.sketches: Natulog ka?

He pinched his under eye bag. "Yep, I just woke up and scrolled through my emails," namamaos ang boses niya. "I even cried 'coz I saw an artwork of me. It's so beautiful! Heaven!"

Umawang ang labi ko at mabilis na nagtipa.

oce.sketches: Talaga? Pwede patingin?

"Wait lang!" He huffed a bit, pouting as he left his bed.

Ngumuso ako nang maharap ang kisame ng kwarto niya. I heard some noises from the background while staring at the one viewer he had right now— which is me. I just hope that no one would join the live.

Matulog na lang kayong lahat.

"Here!" Inangat niya ang phone paharap sa kaniya at pinakita ang iPad sa camera. "It's from... oce.sketches! Wait— ikaw 'to?!" he squealed as he kept on jumping on his bed.

I closed my right eye because of his voice. Napangiti ako, tinigil din agad pero kumawala na ang tawa sa akin. He squealed and zoomed through the sketch I made.

"Thank you so much! Legit! I cried because I feel so down lately and yet I was able to receive this like I deserve the effort. It's... wow, I don't even know how to put it into words. Ang ganda niya!" Cyan continued as he sniffled.

I swallowed hard, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. My heart was racing. Do I say anything? Do I just let him talk?

oce.sketches: Lion :)

He looked down at the sketch, tracing the lines gently with his finger. "Lion?" He sounded confuse, his lips pouting.

Kakagising lang, kagagaling lang din sa iyak pero ang ganda pa rin...

oce.sketches: Lion as in wala 'yon.

Biglang bumunghalit siya ng tawa. "Oh my gosh, you're so corny." He squealed again.

Sumimangot ako at pinisil ang ilong.

oce.sketches: (⁠｡⁠•́⁠︿⁠•̀⁠｡⁠)

He chuckled as he zoomed his face closer. Napakurap-kurap ako dahil pakiramdam ko'y nasa harapan ko lang siya. My throat trembled that I have to swallow the huge bile in my throat.

"I just realized... na ang ganda ko pala!"

Yabang, pero totoo naman. I quite like his confidence. It speaks with his face and his attitude, too.

oce.sketches: Oo na lang.

Ngumiti siya at napatitig sa screen. "Sungit mo, ah?" He suddenly yawned and his eyes were suddenly droopy.

oce.sketches: Matulog ka na.

He giggled and pulled his comforter up to his chest. "I have a class tomorrow. Good night, thank you again..."

Bumuntong-hininga ako nang matapos ang live. I closed my phone and hugged my knees to my chest, still sitting at the edge of the tree house bed. My hair fell messily over my face, and I could feel my cheeks warming.

Stupid... why do I even care?

Yet, it was past 3 in the morning, and I was still at my sketchpad, tracing Cyan's face from the live— the one which showed his double chin.

"Bwesit!" Cyan murmured as he jumped like a bunny, reaching for the book over the top of the aisle.

Ramdam ko ang pagkalabog ng dibdib ko habang lumalapit sa kaniya. He's wearing a pastel-colored blouse with puff sleeve, denim high-waisted A-line skirt, white sneakers and pastel tote bag.

He's not wearing his blue heels.

"Anong libro?" tanong ko sabay baba ng tingin sa kaniya na nagsalubong ang kilay at nakanguso.

"I don't need your help," he murmured.

"Ano nga?" mahinahon ngunit may inis sa boses kong tanong.

"History!" He pointed the book with his fingers.

My stare lingered at his fake nails. It was light pink and has ribbons on it.

Nanlumo ako nang sinubukan kong abutin pero hindi ko rin pala abot. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa habang napapangiwi ako. He bit the inside of his cheeks, stifling a smile and crossed his arms, looking away.

"Yabang..." he whispered, a laugh escaping his lips.

"Kailangan mo ba ngayon?" tanong ko, nakatitig sa iilang hibla ng buhok niyang nalalaglag sa kaniyang noo.

"I have a class," he mumbled and rolled his eyes at me.

"Walang hagdan dito." Tinignan ko ang naaabot ng mata ko rito sa buong library. "Hindi ko rin abot."

"What am I gonna do?!"

Tinapik ko ang balikat ko sabay upo. "Upo ka rito, buhatin kita para makuha ko."

"Anong gagawin ko, Ciel? Alangan naman bumukaka ako diyan sa gitna ng ulo mo?! My gosh!" he hissed in front of me, and I felt my cheeks warmed.

"Sa isang side lang, uupo ka lang," sagot ko na walang pagdadalawang-isip niyang sinunod.

He sat on my left shoulder, and I held onto his waist to support him even more. Napangiwi nga lang ako nang sabutan niya ang buhok ko habang tumatayo ako para hindi siya mahulog.

Ang bango niya at iyon ang mas nakakainis.

"Okay, got it!" he merrily said when I dropped him on the ground, making sure that his feet reached the floor before letting him go.

Hinaplos ko ang ulo dahil sumakit ang anit ko sa pagsabunot niya.

"Thanks, by the way," aniya sabay yakap ng libro at kumumpas ang kamay sa akin. "Alis ka na, shoo!"

Bumuntong-hininga ako at napalunok. "I'm sorry again, Cy."

"Hmm, yeah, forgiven. Huwag na paulit-ulit..." He nodded and flicked his eyes in a roll.

Ang ganda pa rin kahit nagmamaldita. Nakakainis, ang ganda ganda mo.

"Nainis lang ako kasi ang kulit mo, wala ako sa mood no'n kasi pasahan na 'yon ng plates namin, eh. At oo rin, hindi ko... gustong isipin nila na bakla ako dahil kasama kita-"

"Which is stereotyping!" giit niya at bigla akong hinampas sa braso. "Nakakainis ka!" His eyes were suddenly red.

Namilog ang mata ko at hinawakan siya sa braso sabay hila roon sa sulok. Inis niyang pinunasan ang mukha kaya nag-alala ako dahil baka matanggal ang make-up niya.

Based on his attitude, he's gonna throw a tantrum if he sees a ruined shade.

"Oo nga, ako rin mismo yung hipokrito sa ginawa kong 'yon. But can you blame me? I was born in this world, only to be introduced inside a cage."

He remained glaring at me. Yung mga mata mo, sobrang malalim— nakakabaliw.

"But if that's your world, then you have two choices," he replied, his voice now a low whisper, filled with a raw intensity that cut through my defenses. "You can either stay inside that cage, or you can break free from it."

He finally pulled his arm away from my grip, and the distance between us felt bigger than just a few inches. The look in his eyes wasn't just anger anymore; it was disappointment. It was the pain of someone who saw a part of himself in me, only to see me give in to the very thing we both fight against.

"And you chose to stay inside," he continued, the words hitting me harder than any physical blow. "You chose to live by their rules, by their stereotypes, even when it meant hurting me. So don't ask me if I can blame you. I'm not blaming you for being in a cage; I'm blaming you for being comfortable in it."

I wanted to say it. I wanted to scream it, to let him know how much I wanted to escape, how the very thought of those pinks and purples felt like a lifeline. But the words were stuck, lodged in my throat like a stone.

"I don't want to be in there, Cy," hirap na hirap kong saad, halos hindi na maibigkas dahil sa takot at hiya. "Mahirap din..."

Umiwas ako ng tingin. Pumapasok na agad sa utak ko ang sasabihin ni Mommy, ang mga mata ng ibang tao at ang panghuhusga nila. Takot na takot ako na baka mawala na lang bigla ang lahat dahil naging totoo lang ako.

I wasn't comfortable in the cage; I was paralyzed by it. My fear of losing everything was so much bigger than my desire to be free. The truth wasn't that I didn't want to be in there; the truth was I was too scared to leave.

I wanted to like... the person I wanted to like. Tumitig ako sa kaniya habang naiisip iyon.

"I'm sorry about it." Umiwas ako ng tingin, nanghihina dahil ayaw pag-usapan iyon. "I'm open for commissions, by the way. Nilapitan kita kasi baka gusto mong mag-reserve ng slot na... na-reserve ko naman na sa 'yo. Depende na lang kung kukunin mo."

He stared at me. "I'm not gonna ask you to climb out of the cage today. I know you don't want to be in there. I'll wait for the moment you're ready to say it out loud, the moment you want to wear those colors, and the moment you're ready to let yourself love them."