Slowly

"Talaga?" manghang tanong ko kay Cyan.

My heart was racing so fast as if furious. Sobrang init ng pisngi ko at kagat ko ang labi, pigil na pigil ang kumakawalang ngiti sa labi ko.

I even felt my eyes brimming with tears! Because my first thought wasn't fear— it was relief.

Relief that I'm not alone in this feeling. Relief that the thing I'm trying to bury is actually something good and gentle. Something that makes me feel seen.

And now all I can think about is saying it back. I'm scared, yes. But for the first time, the fear isn't louder than the wanting.

"Yes!" Tinuro niya ako na nanginginig pa ang hintuturo. "And don't laugh at me! Hindi nakakatuwa na magka-feelings ako sa 'yo!"

Salubong ang kaniyang kilay, pulang-pula ang gilid ng mga mata. His face looked hurt, and I didn't know that it would make my stomach clenched.

"Ano, Cyan?" Kumunot ang noo ko sa narinig.

Oo nga, masakit na makitang ganoon ang reaksyon niya, pero nasaktan din ako sa sinabi niya. Hindi nakakatuwa na magkaroon ng nararamdan para sa 'kin?

Hindi ba niya alam kung gaano kahirap na pigilan ang iniisip ko kasi ayaw ko rin siyang masaktan? Hindi niya alam na ang saya-saya ko— kahit takot at nag-aalinlangan— hindi ko magawang umatras dahil gusto ko 'tong nararamdaman ko?

Ang hindi nakakatuwa ay ang daming nagkakagusto sa kaniya kasi ang ganda ganda niya!

"Bakit hindi ka natutuwa?"

"Ayokong maging awkward ka sa 'kin. Mas okay na yung ganito, 'di ba? Ayokong mawala ka." Napahinto siya, mariing pumikit.

Nakayuko na siya ngayon, hawak-hawak ang laylayan ng sarili niyang shirt na parang bata.

"And besides," dagdag niya. "It's impossible naman for you to like me, right? Hindi ko lang talaga napigilan yung selos ko kaya napaamin ako."

He licked his lower lip, he kept evading my eyes that I have to place my fingers under his chin to look at me. Namumula ang sulok ng mga mata niya at bumuntong-hininga ako sabay punas ng nangingilid niyang luha.

Hindi ko kayang nakikitang nagkakaganito siya sa akin. He'd been through a lot in his past relationship with Nile. Hindi man ako sanay, pakiramdam ko man ay mababasag ako anumang oras ay inuunti-unti ko.

"Sabi ko sa 'yong ayokong umiiyak ka, eh." I sighed heavily. "Bakit imposible, Cyan?"

Hindi siya kumibo at salubong ang kilay na bumaling sa kabila, ayaw salubungin ang titig ko, namumula ang mga pisngi at naluluha pa.

"Answer me..." Sobrang init ng pisngi ko, sumasabay pa ang kalabog ng dibdib ko.

Because I also want to offer you honesty.

He deserves to hear the truth from me, too. He deserves to know he wasn't alone in this moment- that he wasn't confessing to someone who felt nothing. Because I did feel something. I've been feeling it for so long I didn't even notice it growing.

"Yes, it is impossible because you're straight, Ciel. Ikaw yung lalaking hindi ko dapat... hindi ko dapat gustuhin!" he replied angrily!

Nagsalubong ang kilay ko sa narinig. Anong hindi dapat? Bawal pala, Cyan?

"Hoy, Cy." Napalapit ako kaunti, hindi ko alam kung dahil sa inis o kaba. "Anong hindi dapat naman 'yan?"

My knuckles closed and walked closer to him. Lalo siyang napasandal sa pader, hinahangin ang buhok, kung kaya't hindi ko maiwasang mapatitig sa kaniya dahil ang ganda.

Ganito kaganda, nagkagusto sa 'kin?

"Anong gusto mo, Cyan? Si Nile lang ang dapat mong gustuhin? Siya lang? Gano'n? You're so unfair!" I spat in annoyance.

Napakurap siya, halatang hindi inaasahan ang sagot ko.

"Nakakainis ka naman! Para bang may listahan na nakalagay na hanggang kay Nile ka lang?" naiinis ko pang dugtong at sumimangot sa kaniya.

Kumurap siya at medyo natatawa, namumula pa rin ang pisngi. "Ciel, bakit parang ikaw pa ang na-offend?"

"Eh, kasi naman!" reklamo ko na namumula na rin. "Anong gusto mo, ha? Si Nile lang ang puwede mong magustuhan? Siya lang ang qualified? Ako hindi?"

Napanganga siya. "Hindi ko naman sinabing ganoon! Ciel!" He stomped his feet, a small smile kissing his lips.

"Pero ganoon pakinggan!" Tumabingi ang ulo ko. "Parang may ranking ka tapos hindi ako pasado sa criteria! Parang napipilitan ka pa!"

Tinakpan niya ang mukha na pulang-pula. "Hindi gano'n, okay? Natatakot lang ako..."

Kumalma ako.

"Saan ka natatakot?" I asked softly.

Kay Nile? Nakakatakot naman talaga ang mukha no'n.

"Sa possibility." He inhaled deeply. "Na magustuhan kita tapos hindi ka magkakagusto pabalik."

Napakurap ako at nahigit ang sariling hininga. The annoyance melted instantly into something warm and tingly. Slowly, I held his both elbows, only for us to get startled but I didn't let go.

"Imposible?" I repeated, brushing a strand of hair away from his forehead. "Bakit parang ikaw lang naman ang naniniwalang imposibleng magustuhan kita pabalik, hmm?"

Halos mawindang ako sa pinagsasabi ko. Pero ayoko ring sayangin ang chance na 'to dahil kahit yung takot ko... hindi na ako mapipigilan pa.

"You're playing with me..." He chewed his lips and leered at me. "Ganyan kayo, kapag alam niyong may gusto sa inyo, papaasahin niyo!"

I moved closer, placing my hand over his cheek so he'd stop turning away. Pulang-pula ang mukha niya at batid kong nahihiya siya sa ginawa niyang pag-amin.

"Hindi, ah," tanggi ko at nagsalubong ang kilay.

"Mga linyahan ng mga paasa." He rolled his eyes at me.

"Hindi nga kita pinapaasa, Cyan! Nakakainis ka naman!" I hissed.

Our breathing hitched when our face went closer because of my annoyance at him. Namula ang kaniyang mukha at uminit din ang pisngi ko— kaya alam kong pareho na kaming may natural na blush on!

"Listen, I..." Bumuntong-hininga ako at hinawakan siya ng mabuti.

Nakasimangot siya sa akin. Ngumuso ako at napasulyap sa labi niyang unti-unti na ring ngumuso.

Before the words could escape, the door swung open with a bang. Mabilis ang paglingon namin kay Arden at Nile na hinihingal pa. Nalaglag ang panga ko at mariing napapikit. "Cyan, can we talk?" Nile sounded desperate.

Bumagsak ang balikat ko at unti-unting napaatras. Arden fronted me with a smile I couldn't return. Cyan held my arm but I slowly pried it away.

"Ciel..." he whispered quietly.

Not because I was jealous— but because I'm not yet ready to be seen with him. The world outside our little bubble was loud and cruel, full of eyes that weren't ready to understand. I couldn't let them see because I'm not that ready.

Ito ang unang pagkakataon na lumabas ako nang totoo, pero mahirap din kasi ito ang kauna-unahang hakbang ko.

"Nile wants to talk to you, Cyan," singit ni Arden sabay tingin sa akin. "Let's go, Ciel?"

Wala akong tiwala sa kaniya dati pa, mas dinagdagan pa niya ang pagdududa.

"Ciel and I aren't done talking. Fuck off, Arden," malamig na saad ni Cyan at hinawakan ako sa braso. "Let's go, Ciel."

Nagpahatak ako sa kaniya pero hindi pa kami nakakalabas ay hinila ni Nile ang kaniyang braso. Arden was serious as he crossed his arms.

"Night swimming tayo mamaya, sama mo 'yan," ngiti ni Nile bigla at sumulyap sa akin na may bahid ng irita sa kaniyang mga mata.

Kumunot ang noo ko. "Hindi kailangang hawakan." I pried his arms away from Cyan's elbow.

"Shoulder ko na. Annika's coming, so is Avery. Imposibleng hindi ka pumunta, Cyan, sasama mga friends niyo ni Nile." Arden tilted his head with a smirk.

"Yeah, but you could've text me," ngiwi ni Cyan at hinila na ako palabas.

Pero sadyang sumunod silang dalawa.

"Hindi naman ganyan ang pinunta namin dito. Pinapatawag ka sa org, yung ipi-present daw natin mamaya sa program," sunod ni Nile.

"Pwede namang mamaya na," iritado nang sagot ni Cyan nang hindi lumilingon. "We're in the middle of something."

"Middle of what?" matalim ang tanong ni Nile. "Mukhang nakakaistorbo kami, ah."

Talaga!

"Obviously," sagot ni Cyan, walang preno.

Ramdam ko ang pag-init ng tenga ko sa hiya. Hindi ko pa naipoproseso pero gusto ko nang umalis nang mapansin ang uri ng tingin nila.

"Huwag ka ngang bastos, Cyan," singit ni Arden, nagngingitngit ang tono. "We're all part of the same org. May responsibilidad ka rin."

"Kung responsibilidad ang pag-uusapan," balik ni Cyan, huminto siya at hinarap ang dalawa. "Again, you could've message me. Sinabi ko sa inyong susunod ako agad, ah? Kayo nga yung walang ginagawa sa org, ang kakapal ng mukha niyo."

"Tara na." Hinawakan siya ulit ni Nile sa braso.

Cyan pried it away. "You don't need to touch me."

Natahimik si Nile saglit, pero agad ding bumawi. "I'm just concern. Bakit, sino ba dapat humahawak sa 'yo? Siya?" sabay ngisi, nakatingin sa akin. "Since when?"

Bumagsak ang sikmura ko. Hindi ko alam kung mapapaatras ako o haharang kay Cyan.

"None of your business," malamig na sagot ni Cyan.

Arden scoffed. "Cyan, seriously? We're not blind. Malapit mag-start ang program, tapos bigla kang-"

"Ano?" putol ni Cyan. "Bigla akong ano, Arden?"

Nagkatinginan sila ni Nile, parehong may halong pagdududa at pang-uuyam. I hated it. I hated how small I felt under their stare.

"Kung may kailangan kayo kay Cyan, sabihin niyo nang diretso," sabi ko kahit ang sama na sa pakiramdam. "Hindi yung kung anu-ano pang tingin at hirit. Para matapos na."

"Ciel..."

"We want him to come with us. Importante man 'tong pag-uusapan niyo, mas importante 'tong program. You don't want Cyan to have a bad record because of this mere moment, right?" Maliit ang ngisi ni Nile.

"Nile-"

"Kung may pinag-uusapan kayo, pwede namang i-pause, 'di ba? Hindi naman end of the world." His eyes flicked to me, slow, assessing.

"Tara na, Ciel, you don't need to fucking hear their dumb words." Hindi ako mapaniwalang Nile tilted his head, eyes sharp.

"Cyan, huwag mo namang masamain. Yeah. I mean, whatever you two are doing? Compared to the org? Compared to the program? Sorry, pero hindi naman siya dapat priority."

"Oh, fuck you. Ang hindi importante rito ay yung opinyon mo!"

"Ever since this started." Sinenyasan niya kami pareho. "We've been adjusting around you. Ilang beses ka nang napagalitan kasi lagi kang lutang."

Napatango ako sa sarili nang marinig iyon. Ayoko namang mapagalitan siya.

"Sige na, Cyan..." I slowly removed his arms away from me.

Maybe this isn't the time to confess. Hindi naman pwedeng sa harapan ako nila Nile at Arden magsasabi na gusto ko rin si Cyan pabalik.

"Huh? But, Ciel..." He was about to protest.

"Sa susunod na lang, Cyan. Mas importante 'yan..." Hinaplos ko ang buhok at namulsa tsaka ako umatras para makadaan pa ang dalawa. A small smile kissed my lips. "Go..."

Bagsak ang mukha ni Cyan habang hinihila siya ni Arden paalis, naiwang nakalingon sa akin na sakit ang umuukit sa mukha. Nile didn't move away, though. Namulsa rin siya habang tanaw si Cyan na nakayuko na.

Babawi ako, tapusin niya muna. Balak ko kasing solohin.

"It's a good choice that you allowed him to go. Ayaw niyang ma-disappoint ang mga tao sa paligid niya, ayaw niya ring nabibigo niya ako."

He doesn't want to disappoint you because everything about him is about giving always more than he should, always more than what you ask for.

Minahal ka na, sinayang mo pa.

"Kaya hayaan mo na. Huwag kang makialam sa kaniya ngayon. Hayaan mo siyang pumunta sa 'kin..." He smirked at me. "Balak ko ring makipagbalikan sa kaniya."

Tumango ako, handa nang tumakbo kung sakaling manuntok siya bigla. Nakakuyom pa naman ang kamao niya!

"Binigyan ka ba niya ng chance?" singit ko sa pantasya niya.

Marahan siyang nagpakawala ng tawa. "Hindi pa, nagpapasuyo pa, eh. Kailangan ko munang tunawin ang lamig," iling niya.

I let out a dry laugh.

"Lamig?" Tumaas ang kilay ko. "Siguro kasi ikaw 'yong dahilan kung bakit siya nagyeyelo sa takot na magkamali."

Napatigil siya. Umirap ako nang bahagya.

"Sinabi mo pang ayaw niyang maka‑disappoint," dagdag ko. "Pero naisip mo ba kung bakit? O sobrang sanay ka nang hayaan mo siyang masakal sa expectations mo kaya hindi mo napansin?"

Nile's jaw ticked. I didn't back down. Yung taong gusto ko ang pinaglalaban ko rito.

"You think kilala mo siya?" I leaned in a bit. "Hindi mo nga napansin na takot siya sa 'yo."

His fists tightened. Balak ko ring manampal. I gave him a cold, polite smile

"I know him, better than you do." Umigting ang panga niya.

"Kilala mo nga, hindi mo naman iningatan, eh. Good luck sa balikan niyo. You'll need it more than he does." Umiling ako at tuluyan nang nilisan ang lugar na 'yon.

Nile thinks he knows Cyan. Maybe he does, better than I ever could. But that doesn't give him the right to manipulate him, to use his old familiarity to get under his skin. Pero ayokong panoorin na ganunin niya.

I like Cyan in ways that scare me, ways that make me protective, ways that make me wish I could shield him from every little hurt— even against me. And yet, here I am, letting him Nile hover in the background, knowing full well the pull the past still has on him.

"Ang ganda mo talaga, Cyan!" Pumalakpak si Rica habang kinukuhanan niya ng litrato ang mga kasama namin.

I stood still behind them while tugging my camera close to me. Hinihintay ko kasing magtama ang paningin namin ni Cyan na hindi ako magawang salubungin ng tingin. Kumukunot ang aking noo.

Hindi dahil sa umiiwas siya kundi dahil nakatingin din sina Arden at Nile sa kaniya. Balisa akong tumayo at tumikhim sabay tahimik na kinunan ng litrato si Cyan na nakalublob sa pool suot ang neon pink na bikini top at denim shorts.

Sobrang init ng pisngi ko habang pinapanood siyang umahon. I caught the glimpse of his sexy waist.

"Sexy, ah," komento ni Nile na naglahad ng kamay para iaangat siya.

'Yang sexy na 'yan, ako ang gusto...

I breathed a sigh of relief when Cyan didn't accept the hand he was offering. Pero parang biglang uminit nang sobra ang batok ko nang makita ang katawan niya. Nilampasan ni Cyan si Nile, may mga patak na bumababa sa kaniyang likod, tumatakbo pababa sa kurba ng kaniyang baywang.

Napalunok ako habang pinipilit ayusin ang kuha ko sa camera kahit na nanginginig ang daliri ko. Nagmumukha akong paparazzi! Tapos ang ganda pa ng kinukuhanan ko ng picture kaya dapat maganda ang quality!

"Thanks, Rica. Let me see it," sabi ni Cyan na namumula ang mga pisngii.

Napatingin siya saglit sa direksyon ko— isang mabilis, at halos hindi ko mahagip— pero sapat para bumilis ang tibok ng dibdib ko.

I stepped forward towards him, pretending to adjust the lens. "Tingin dito," mahinang bulong ko, pero sapat na para marinig niya.

He froze. His eyes finally met mine softly. I lifted the camera slowly, breathing through the sudden weight in my chest.

"Tingin," ulit ko at sumenyas sa kaniya.

He smiled with his cheeks red. Hindi ko inalintana masyado ang mga napapatingin sa pwesto namin dahil parang sasabog ang puso ko.

Napaawang ang bibig ko nang dumausdos ang isang patak ng tubig mula sa collarbone niya pababa sa ilalim ng bikini top. Tumikhim ako at kumha pa ng ilang shots niya.

"Uy, Ciel, baka pwedeng pa-picture naman ako diyan sa DSLR mo," akbay sa akin ni Arden at sinubukang kunin pa sa aking kamay ang camera.

"Ayoko," diretsong sagot ko sa kaniya nang nakasimangot.

Para lang 'to kay Cyan. Binili ko nga 'tong camera para magamit sa kaniya. Ayoko ng malansa sa album ko rito, yung maganda lang ang pwede.

"Damot," simangot niya at lumayo pa sa akin sabay tulak ng balikat ko. "Pero si Cyan pwede? Mind you, I invited you here." Tumawa siya.

Sumulyap ako kay Cyan na umiiwas sa amin ng tingin. His smile vanished as he caressed his arms. Nahigit ko ang hininga nang lumapit sa kaniya si Nile.

"Hindi..." Tuliro akong lumingon kay Arden na nakatitig sa akin. "Hindi naman ikaw ang nag-imbita. Si Nile naman..." I scrunched my nose.

"Tingin ka ulit dito, Cyan! Ang cute mo dito!" tili ni Rica habang nag-pose si Cyan, ang kamay ay nasa bewang.

"Sungit!" halakhak ni Arden at pinisil ang pisngi kong agad kong nilayo.

I tightened my grip on my camera, partly to steady myself, partly so I couldn't look at Nile who was now standing by Cyan's side. They were too close. Nile seems entitled.

"Uy, basang-basa ka," sabi ni Nile sabay abot agad ng towel. "Baka lamigin ka."

Cyan chuckled lightly, shaking off the water from his hair. "Okay lang ako."

Pero kahit tumanggi siya, hindi pa rin agad binitawan ni Nile ang towel. Instead, he draped it across Cyan's shoulders himself, like it was nothing.

Parang tinamaan ako sa sikmura. The kind of hit you don't see coming, but you feel all the way to your chest.

I swallowed hard, pretending that I was adjusting the camera settings, even though I wasn't really changing anything. My heartbeat thudded loud enough that I felt it echo in my ears.

Cyan noticed the towel too, looking a bit surprised. "Ah, thanks."

"Anytime," Nile answered with that stupid half-smile on his face.

"Hoy, sweet niyo, ah?" pang-aasar ni Feli na kinukuhanan pa ata sila ng video. "Bakit kasi hindi pa kayo magkabalikan?"

"Oo nga, obvious naman na may something pa rin sa inyo," segunda ni Rica.

Kabadong lumingon sa akin si Cyan na napapawi ang ngisi. Wala sa sarili akong bumaling kay Nile.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit biglang parang nawala ang hangin. Parang ang liit ng space. Parang kahit anong hinga ko, may bumabara.

Arden laughed beside me. "Grabe ka, Nile. Parang bodyguard o personal assistant?" tukso niya sabay sulyap sa akin.

Nile didn't deny it. He just shrugged, still looking at Cyan, eyes trailing almost too long. At doon ko naramdaman na parang umikot ang tiyan ko.

Not because Cyan was doing anything wrong. But because I was watching someone else do what I wanted to do.

Bakit kasi ang hina ko?

"Ciel, kuha ka naman!" tawag ni Arden. "Group photo namin!"

Napalunok ako nang malalim— hindi dahil sa sinabi niya, kundi dahil napatingin si Cyan sa direksyon ko sandali. But it was enough to freeze everything inside me.

Wala na akong nagawa.

I forced a smile. "Sure."

Lumapit sila sa gilid ng pool, nagtipon-tipon habang nagtatawanan. Cyan moved to the center, still holding the towel around him. But of course, Nile moved right beside him.

I adjusted my stance, raised my camera, and forced myself to see them through the lens instead of my own eyes.

"Ready?" I asked.

"Wait! Nile, dikit ka ng kaunti kay Cyan!" sabi ni Rica.

For a split second, my world stopped. And like he was waiting for permission, Nile stepped closer, his arm sliding behind Cyan's back, his hand grazing Cyan's waist.

I blinked because something stung behind my eyes.

Cyan tried to move away but his friends pushed them close. For a second, I lowered the camera and inhaled with a slow and shaky breath.

"Uy, Ciel?" Arden joked. "Tulog ka ba diyan?"

I snapped back up. "Picture! Sorry..." I raised the camera again, blinking away the blur forming in the corners of my vision. "Smile."

They smiled. But I didn't see the smiles because of the tears strucking my eyes.

What I saw was Nile leaning his head slightly closer to Cyan. The way his fingers pressed gently against Cyan's hipbone. And then I pressed the shutter.

Importante na lang sigurong nasa camera ko pa rin siya kahit iba ang humahawak sa kaniya.

"Okay! Good," I said. My voice didn't sound like mine, it was thinner and strained.

"Thanks, Ciel. Papasa na lang later!"

Cyan looked at me again for half a second before turning back to Nile, who was saying something to him with that same easy confidence. I tried to look away, but my chest tightened too much.

I knew the feeling. Jealousy. But not the fiery kind. Not the loud, angry one.

This was the quiet kind— the one that hurts behind my ribs and steals my breath. The kind that makes my eyes hot and hands cold. The kind that tells me gently, cruelly, I'm not allowed to ask for anything I want.

I stepped back, clutching my camera, pretending to check the screen, but my vision trembled. Gusto ko nang umalis...

"Ciel?" Annika approached with a drink. Kagagaling lang niya sa hotel room. "You okay?"

I forced a tiny smile. "Yeah. Medyo drained lang ako. Pgod siguro kanina sa school."

She squinted. "Namumula yung mata mo."

"Okay lang ako," I said quickly.

Sumunod ang kararating lang na si Avery. She smirked at me. "Hi, Ciel. Want a drink?" She handed me her glass of margarita.

"Ayoko, solohin mo," masungit kong sagot.

Annika laughed. "Hoy, Ciel, parang hindi mo naging crush dati, ah?"

"Talaga? Crush mo 'ko?"

"Dati pa 'yon. Nakakahiya nga, eh," sagot ko.

But then Nile laughed behind me. And the sound made something inside me snap a little. I glanced back without meaning to. Nile had his arm draped casually across the back of Cyan's chair as Cyan dried his hair with the towel.

"Bakit nakakahiya? I'm pretty kaya!" singit ni Avery.

I lowered my gaze before I could get caught staring. But I didn't lower it fast enough. Cyan looked up at that exact moment.

Our eyes met. His smile froze slightly, while mine never appeared. I guess, he saw it. The redness of my eyes. The way my lips pressed tight to keep from trembling. The way my breathing stuttered just a little.

The way jealousy— painful, humiliating jealousy— was quietly eating me alive. Cyan's brows pinched. He straightened in his seat. His smile faded, while I turned my back on him.

"Nagsisisi nga ako," baling ko kay Avery kahit na pakiramdam ko ay nalulunod ako.

Humagalpak si Annika sabay ngisi kay Avery na nakasimangot sa akin.

"Pero bakit ang sungit mo sa akin kung crush mo 'ko?"

"Ciel..." tawag ni Cyan sabay palibot ng braso niya sa bewang ko.

It hurts in ways I can't explain, in places I didn't know could bruise this easily. Because his touch feels like something I've been starving for.

"Hi, Cyan, oh, my..." Hindi makapagsalita ng maayos si Avery nang tumingin siya sa kamay ni Cyan na nakapalibot sa akin.

"Hala?" bulalas nila Feli.

"Gago?"

"Hindi ikaw, Nile? Lamya naman! Baka nagselos si Ciel dahil sa kakatulak namin sa inyo! Hayop ka, hindi naman pala ikaw!"

"Pokpok ka, Cyan! Iniwan mo na talaga kami sa kanal!"

"Uh, need niyo bang mag-usap?" ngiwi ni Annika na hinila agad si Avery na hindi pa nakakasagot.

The moment I felt all their eyes on us, something inside me snapped. The heat of Cyan's arms, the closeness, the comfort I craved so badly... all turned into this sharp, twisting pain.

I gently peeled his hand off my waist, careful but fast, and stepped back with my head bowed low.

"Ciel..."

"I'll just go to-" Hindi ko na tinapos. Hindi ko kayang sabihin. Hindi ko kayang humarap.

Mabilis akong naglakad paalis, halos nagmamadali. Hindi ko ininda kung may tumatawag ba sa akin o kung tinitingnan ba nila ako. Hindi ko na inisip kung obvious bang iniiwasan ko siya.

The jealousy from earlier— watching Nile touch Cyan has been enough to drown me. It was already the worst of it. It was the limit.

"Ciel!" habol ni Cyan.

A tear slipped from my eyes when he gripped my arm. Hindi niya naitago ang gulat nang makita akong naluluha. Ngumuso ako, umiiwas ng tingin sabay pahid ng luha ko paalis.

"W-Why are you crying?"

"B-Bitaw," hikbi ko dahil tuloy-tuloy ang pagdaloy ng luha sa mata ko. "Huwag mo akong hawakan. Masakit..."

Hindi pa siya nakakasagot ay marahan kong inalis ang kamay niya at tumakbo papuntang hotel room. I slammed the door behind me, leaning against it as I pressed a shaky hand over my mouth.

I dragged myself to the bed and curled up, hugging a pillow so tight my arms ached. Para akong bata na tinatago ang sarili, sana lamunin na ako ng dilim ng buo.

The door clicked anyway. Cyan entered while I was glaring at him murderously.

"Please don't come near me. Doon ka sa kaniya!"

Pero hindi siya nakinig. Dahan-dahan siyang lumapit na para bang natatakot akong mabasag. Mas lalo akong humikbi nang nakanguso.

"Why were you crying?" he asked, voice cracking. "What did I do?"

I bit my lip so hard it almost bled. He knelt beside the bed, placing a trembling hand on the blanket near my shoulder.

"Was it because of Nile?" lambing niyang tanong.

Hindi ko sinagot. Pero tumulo ang luha ko ulit at iyon na ang sagot. Cyan inhaled sharply, as if my silence stabbed him.

"I didn't want him," he said quietly.

"But he wanted you," sagot ko, mas mabilis kaysa sa dapat.

"It's you that I want, though," sagot niya at dahan-dahang inabot ang buhok ko para suklayin.

Nahigit ko ang hininga. Mas lalo niyang nilapit ang mukha sa akin at nagkatitigan kaming dalawa.

"Hinawakan ka niya. Nagpahawak ka..."

"Ciel..."

"I like you so much, Cyan," nanginginig kong pag-amin. "Sasabihin ko sana kanina pero dumating si N-Nile, eh. Kainis, papansin..." I wiped my tears with a pout.

"No way..." Namimilog ang mga mata niya. I saw his hands tremble slightly as he reached for mine, fingers brushing over mine in the gentlest way possible.

"Susubukan ko, Cy. Yung mga iniisip ko, susubukan kong alisin kasi hindi pwedeng magustuhan kitang may kasamang takot. You don't deserve it."

Cyan stilled.

"H-hindi pwedeng mahalin kita na sa loob-loob ko, hinuhusgahan ko yung sarili ko." Napapikit ako nang kumawala ang luha. "Ayoko na yung mga naiisip akong mali... yung mga dinikdik sa akin dati. Yung mga boses na nagsasabing bawal 'to... bawal tayo..."

My voice cracked.

"I don't want to like you with that kind of poison in me," I continued, wiping my tears with shaking fingers. "Gusto kita, sobra... pero ayoko na yung gusto ko sa 'yo, tinatabunan ng mga boses na hindi naman ikaw."

Cyan's hand rose slowly, cupping my cheek with so much care it made my throat tighten.

"Gusto kong kilalanin ka, Cyan. I want to love you slowly. I don't want it rushed. I want it to grow like it should, with thought, and with care. Gusto kong pag-aralan kita kasi gustong-gusto kitang mahalin."

His lips trembled and it tinged with that natural redness that made my chest tighten. I couldn't look away. My gaze kept drifting, irresistibly, to the curve of his mouth.

Kahit ang labi, ang ganda ganda.

"May I kiss you, Ciel?"

It was him who asked, but it was me who did.

I bit my lip and leaned closer, drawn to his trembling red lips. They promised a tenderness I'd never let myself have, a way to be seen like this.