Crushes are not logical.

You know how Castiel knows that crushes are not logical?

Because his dumb ass is still crushing on Dean Winchester after the guy pestered him about his family and shoved him into awkward social situations.

Fuck that guy — preferably literally, but figuratively works, too.

Fortunately, he gets a phone call from the best person alive the next morning before he can sulk for too long.

"Charlie!" Castiel grins. Any chance to talk to his favorite little lesbian is a welcome surprise.

They've known each other since Castiel was 18 and Charlie was 16, both waiting tables at a small restaurant in LA. She's the only person on the planet who knows everything about him, and vice versa. For two people whose lives revolve around keeping secrets, it's oddly comforting to be able to share them with each other.

"Tell. Me. Everything."

Castiel cocks his head to the side, confused. "Everything about what?"

"Don't play dumb, Cas," she says. "I saw those pictures of you and Dean Winchester."

"What about them?" Castiel asks.

"Uh, my gay ass best friend was just hanging out with every straight girls' heartthrob," she says. "What happened? I need details."

"What do you think happened, Charlie?" he asks, exasperated. "I'm in the closet, he's straight, and I'm about to steal his girlfriend."

"First of all, if you're closeted, who's to say that he's not, too?" Charlie counters. "And second, who the fuck cares about Jo? It's not like she's actually into either of you. Y'all can hook up and she won't care."

"The general public will care," Castiel says.

"They don't have to find out."

"They always find out."

Charlie sighs. "Fine, whatever. But I can't help but notice that you didn't deny that you would fuck Dean Winchester if given the chance."

"Of course I would fuck Dean Winchester," he says. "Have you seen that man? He's so fucking hot."

Charlie bursts out laughing. "I've never heard you admit to liking a guy so quickly or so enthusiastically before."

"I don't know if I like him," he says. "As a person, he's kinda... Well, he's very out there, and I'm very not."

"Okay, but you still totally like him, right?"

Castiel sighs dramatically. "Unfortunately, I do."

Charlie squeals. "Oh my god, it's finally happening. It's been ten years, but Cassie's finally gonna get laid!"

"Shut the fuck up," Castiel says immediately.

"I know, he's straight and you're closeted and you have public appearances and lies to keep up or whatever," Charlie says, and he can practically hear her roll her eyes. "But come on, Cas, you like him! And you admit that you like him! And you guys have actually been hanging out! And there are cute pictures all over twitter of you!"

"You mean the ones from the after-party that look like they were taken on an Android phone seven miles away?"

"Well, yes," she says, "but there are a few HQ pics from the premier itself, too. Basically, you guys are perfect together and I love you."

"I don't think so," he says. "I'm more than content just wistfully daydreaming about him while also not thinking about any interaction we've ever had."

"Why not?" Charlie whines. "You guys looked like you were getting along so well. What happened?"

"The same thing that always happens, Charlie," he says. "I'm keeping too many secrets for a real relationship."

"Then tell him," she says. "Tell him you're gay. Tell him you ditched your family. Tell him your shitty-ass parents and sheep brothers ruined your faith in humanity and now you're scared to get close to anyone out of fear that they'll turn on you."

"I think you're being a little dramatic here," Castiel says. "I'm not afraid of getting close to people. I'm just not good at it."

"Mm, I'm sure that's it," Charlie says sarcastically. "But come on. What, you think he's gonna hold your childhood trauma against you?"

"It's not 'childhood trauma,'" he says. "You're really making this sound worse than it is."

"Exactly," she says. "So when you tell Dean Winchester, you'll make it sound better. And, honestly, I think opening up to him is gonna be good for you, whether you guys fuck or not."

"I think you're forgetting the 'Dean is straight' aspect of this," Castiel reminds her.

"So what?" she says. "Yeah, you're probably right. But who cares? Maybe you'll get lucky and he's not. Maybe he is, but he's a cool and compassionate human being who sympathizes with you and will make you feel better when I can't. Maybe he's straight and he's homophobic, in which case you can brag that a gay man stole his girlfriend and then tell him to go fuck himself. Seems like a win-win-win situation to me."

"I really don't see him being super sympathetic," Castiel says.

"How are you gonna know 'til you tell him?"

"Because I already let it slip that I haven't seen my family in ten years," he says.

"You did what?" Charlie gasps. "Cas, oh my god, I'm so proud of you! You did it! You actually told someone —"

"And I regret it immensely," Castiel interrupts before she can squeal too much.

"What did he say?" Charlie asks. "Do I need to fight him? You know I don't like touching dicks, but I'll break his in half if I have to."

"It's not dick-breaking bad," Castiel says quickly, because he has no doubt that she'd try to follow through with that until his security caught her, and he doesn't really want to pay his friend's bail money. "He was just annoyed that I didn't tell more people, which is stupid. It's my life. It's my secret. Who is he to tell me who should get to know?"

"Look, Cas, I feel you, but at the same time, you really can't expect him to understand unless you tell him everything," she says. "I feel like your secrets are too intertwined to only give him part of the story."

"Well, I'm not telling him more of it, if that's what you're getting at," Castiel says.

"Why not?" Charlie whines.

"Well, for one, I'm pretty sure I'm only going to see him one more time at the US premier," Castiel says. "No point in spilling my guts to someone I'm only gonna see once."

"Ah, au contrare, my friend," she says. "There's no point in not spilling your guts to someone you're only gonna see once. What's the worst that'll happen? He never wants to talk to you again? Lucky him; you're never gonna get to talk to him, anyway."

"That's not the worst —"

Continuing as if he never spoke, she says, "And the best case scenario is he thinks you're awesome for telling him, or, better yet, he's gay as fuck and also closeted, and y'all can have secret sex every week and no one has to know but me!"

"First of all, I told you, the general public always finds out," he says. "They'll get a picture of us going to the same place eventually. And second of all, the worst case scenario is that he tells someone else that I can't avoid for the rest of my life, and then I either have to talk about my past or tell them to shut the fuck up, and I don't really want to do either."

"You tell me to shut the fuck up all the time," Charlie reminds him.

"Because you need to shut the fuck up," he says. "I can't say that to people I barely know."

"Then just tell him not to tell anyone," Charlie says. "Even if he ends up being a certified asshole, I don't think he'd spill your whole life story to anyone just to spite you."

Casti sighs. "Look, Charlie, I love you, and you know I love you, but I don't want to talk about my childhood. At all. It's one thing for you to know it, and it's another thing to tell it to a virtual stranger. Can you just drop it?"

"Okay, okay, that's fine," she says. "I still think you two are adorable, though, and I'm not going to shut up about that."