j a i m e e

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The picture of Shayden and his Mom stands proudly in his living room. Both our stares focus on it as the atmosphere in the room shifts, melancholy looming silently as we begin to reflect and reminisce on the time we've missed.

"I really miss her." He starts off softly, "She was my only family. It feels weird that she's not here anymore. It's been a year and I still don't want to know how to live life without her, I don't know how to."

"She was an amazing woman, Shay."

"Through and through." Shayden turns to look at me, I move to meet his gaze. "Does it ever get easier?"

I exhale, deciding to answer honestly without sugarcoating the pain. "Sometimes, you catch yourself forgetting they're gone. It's like a split second where something happens and you think about telling them, and then it hits you that you can't. But it never got easier, I just got used to how it felt. Not that I had much of a choice."

"Fifteen was too young to lose your entire lives." He whispers. "I still remember it like it was yesterday."

I know what he's referring to instantly. He was with me when I got the phone call to go to the hospital, when I was told that my parents were in a car accident.

A drunk driver was speeding down the road and my parents were on their way back from their annual anniversary dinner. My father died instantly, according to the autopsy report. My mother died in hospital around 2 hours later. By that stage, Remi, Shayden and I were sitting in the room with her when she left. I held her hand in mine, feeling her skin turn from warm to cold within minutes. Shay's Mom, Shania, picked us up from the hospital. Remi was 18, just having lost his parents and now needing to find a way to care for me and sort everything to do with finances and a home for us. Shania let us stay with her, fed and clothed us for around a year until our parents funds came through. It funded a deposit for an apartment and Remi got a job instantly. I worked on top of High School and we made it. But we wouldn't have done it without her love and support, she became a second mother to us.

"How did she die?" I ask him the one question that I'm not too sure I want to know the answer to. The words clog up in my throat and it almost hurts to speak them aloud.

"Lung cancer. She lasted four months after the diagnosis."

"Fuck, Shay." I say, my tone warped with sympathy as I ran my fingers through my hair. "I-"

"It's fine, doll. I know she's with me and she's probably going to kick my ass for being late for work." He smiles, a sharp contrast to the defeated frown that adorned his face only a few moments ago. He leans over and kisses my forehead, smoothing out the hair falling onto my temple. "I'll see you soon, okay? Will you be alright?"

"Of course." I lean in and peck his lips lightly, "Come home soon though, okay?"

"I promise." He swears softly before leaving me alone in his apartment.

Around an hour after he's left, I'm watching Supernatural on Netflix surrounded by empty chocolate wrappers. The door opens to reveal Tory, who walks over to the couch and collapses onto it once he notices me.

"Hey T." I greet, nodding my head at him.

"Hey." He grunts back. My eyebrows furrow at his unusually sad tone.

"Tory?" I lower the volume on the television, sitting up to give him my full attention "Are you okay?"

He stays silent and I don't want to push, but I can't help but worry at the sight of the defeated expression on his face.

"Tory," I repeat, putting emphasis on his name. "Are you okay?"

"I don't know. I don't think anyone's asked me that before. I...I'm not okay, I don't know. I jus-"

"Hey-" I shuffle towards him, wrapping my arms around him as he falls into my embrace. My hand immediately finds his hair, running my hand through the loose, messy brown curls as he clings to me.

"Everyone just seems to be doing great. And I'm still here. I'm scared, and I'm alone and I'm so angry and I just don't-I'm sorry, I shouldn't be putting my shit on you. Fuck, Jai, I'm so sor-"

"Don't apologize. I'm not leaving you. I'm here, I'm listening. Okay?" I reassure him, lowering my voice calmly. "I've got you, T. I'm here."

We sit in silence for a while, the only noise coming from the low hum of the television screen and Tory's soft breathing.

Eventually, he sits up. His stare stays on the carpet in front of us and I try not to look at him, not wanting him to feel uncomfortable. He'll talk when he's ready and, until then, I'll be there beside him.

"Did you think you'd ever fall in love?" Tory interrupts the silence, asking me a question which takes me by surprise.

"Never." I say honestly.

He turns his head as if to check whether I was being serious or not. "Really?"

"Genuinely." I nod my head as his eyes look into my own. "I was always a pessimistic kid who never thought that would happen to me."

"Why?"

"I don't know. It's weird because I had a good childhood and I had something secure with my friendship with Libbie. I guess I just never thought I'd be able to love anyone the way my Mom and Dad loved each other, or that I'd ever be loved like that. I didn't want to get my heart broken from any half-arsed person."

Tory's face drops in understanding as he nods his head at me. "Do you still think like that?"

"Not anymore. I did for years after getting with Shayden. He was a major plot twist for me but I used to get so scared that he'd leave or he didn't love me or he'd find someone better." I say, considering that a part of the doubt never really left me. However, my trust in Shayden is unconditional. I know he loves me without conditions and he'd never intentionally hurt me. "It always caused tension when we spoke about my insecurities but then I just started to ignore them. It would've hurt more to not be with him and, in all honesty, I'd have done anything for him. Even if it meant having my heart broken."

"He adores you too much to even allow that to happen." Tory reassures me softly.

A smile tugs at my lips as I find comfort in his assurance. "I don't doubt that for a second."

The slight curl of his lips drops as he whispers, "I'm sorry for coming and getting emotional. I didn't mean to burden you with that."

"T, I told you months ago that I have your back. That means through the good and bad. Don't apologize for this, okay?"

+++

My fingers trailed through Tory's hair as his head was cradled on my lap. We'd decided to have a Harry Potter marathon and order pizza and somewhere during the third movie, he'd ended up slouched down with his head landing on my thighs.

I knew expressing how he was feeling must've exhausted a lot of him, so I didn't hesitate to run my fingers through his hair. Somehow, it always calmed Shayden down so I guess I absorbed the habit for Tory too.

After the sixth movie ended, I glanced up as Shayden's front door opened. I didn't stop running my fingers through Tory's hair as Shayden looked at us quizzingly, "How was work?"

"Boring." Shay just shrugs, emptying his pockets onto the island in the kitchen. "Is he okay?"

"He will be." I hum, looking down at the boy in my lap. As I turn my attention back to Shayden, the pity in his eyes is unmistakable. "Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up, right?" I whisper, remembering us creating that motto in Sophomore Year when we ended up arguing with a group of teens tormenting some of the Freshman's.

"Always." He replies softly, ruffling my hair before planting a kiss onto my forehead.

Tory shuffles, moving his head around in my lap before pulling himself upwards. He blinks the sleep out of his eyes, rubbing them, before sitting up.

"Hey man,"

"Hey T," Shayden greets as Tory moves to sit at the end of the couch, allowing Shayden to sit beside me. "Hope you saved me some pizza."

"'Course not, who do you think I am?" He chuckles.

Shayden crawled over me so he could rest his head on my stomach. I tensed slightly, but he just wrapped his arms around my torso tightly and puckered his lips to kiss my stomach gently.

"I'm tired." He murmured.

"It's okay." I smile down at him, running my fingers over the base of his neck as I look back up at the TV. Tory's changed the channel so Brooklynn Nine Nine was on instead.

"It's a dope show." He defends, shrugging his shoulder.

I laugh at him, propping my feet up in his lap as Shayden shifts, trying to get comfortable.

It doesn't take long for Shayden to drift off. The smile remains on my face as I trace my fingertips over his skin, marvelling in the way he looked so peaceful as he slept.

When I finally tear my eyes away from him, I notice Tory looking at us both.

"I've not known him long, especially in comparison to you, but I've never seen him sleep so soundly." He says softly.

"Really?" The question slips past my lips, my eyebrows raising in surprise before I can even stop them. Shayden was always the person asleep first and awake last. He spent most of our relationship asleep.

"Always tried to get him to take sleeping pills or something." Tory mumbles, a solemn expression lingering on his face. He continues when I stay silent, "Do you want a drink?"

"Yeah." I nodded, trying to shuffle out from under Shayden's hold. It doesn't seem to work so Tory just leans over, moving Shayden up so I can move away from the sofa.

My grey sweatshirt has a wet stain from where Shayden was drooling and, strangely, it doesn't disgust me. Tory just shakes his head, his shoulders moving up and down in silent laughter as he notices.

We walk into the kitchen, both sliding up onto the kitchen counter as Tory grabs the bottle of vodka just laying on the side.

Half of it's gone within seconds, the colourless liquid just sliding down his throat like water.

My stomach drops at the smell. Tory holds it out to me but I just shake my head.

"I don't drink, remember?"

Realization passes over his face, probably remembering how I was that idiot who asked for a lemonade. "How can't you drink? It's like the best thing ever."

"Don't like it." I reply bluntly.

We sit in silence for a while. The alcohol in his system obviously makes him less tense but, other than that, I wouldn't even be able to tell he's been drinking.

Tory grins lazily, the bottle in front of him almost empty as he downs the rest of it.

My eyebrows furrow unconsciously. I've never known someone to drink so much so quickly and be completely fine, as if they hadn't had a drop.

"Are you okay?" I asked before I could stop myself.

Tory's light brown eyes widen. But he recovers quickly and nods his head as if the reaction was just a reflex. "Yep, I'm fine."

"I know we haven't known each other long but I'm here if you want to talk, okay?" I replied softly, my stare going to the empty bottle before I could stop myself.

We sit in silence for a few moments.

"My Dad used to drink a lot." Tory shrugs. My entire attention focuses on him as he starts to talk, but he doesn't move to look at me. "Moms always says that's why I do. He left when I was 12 and she hated me because I look just like him. Guess she never believed it'd come back and bite her on her ass, until I was being hauled into a meeting for skipping school or coming in fucked up."

"Is that why you drink so much? 'Cause of your Dad?"

"Probably, I don't know. He wasn't a nice person unless he was drunk. Never saw him smile unless he'd had a bottle of something. So when he left, Mom blamed me . She didn't hit me or anything. She just didn't love me very much. Home was a mess, I just wanted to be able to smile again." He stares at the bottle in his hand as if there was nothing more that he wanted to do than smash it against the wall. "She thinks she's still my Mom because she sends me enough money to buy a house. I don't want that fucking money, I just wanted my parents."

"Fuck her, man." I lean into him, resting my head on his shoulder. "You've got us now. Don't need any half-ass parents."

"Shit, Jai. I can't believe I just said that to you." He mutters, holding the bridge of his nose between his index finger and thumb. "That dumbass bitch told me about your parents and I'm here complaining about mine as if you don't have it worse."

"Don't be dumb." I shove him. "Losing my Mom and Dad was shit, yeah, but I'd rather have them up there knowing they love me then down here making me feel awful. You don't need to apologize for how you feel just because someone's home situation is worse or better than yours."

"You're a good one, Jaimee. I can see why Shay is so obsessed with you."

"More like the other way around." I mumble, warmth spreading up my neck and cheeks.

Just as Tory finishes chuckling, Shayden walks into the kitchen rubbing his eyes. He strolls up to me instantly, leaning his head into the crook of my neck and hugging me.

"How long was I asleep?"

"Only about an hour, if that." I answered.

"Wow, I thought it was longer." He breathes out, his hot breath fanning my neck and tickling me.

"I need to go soon."

"Why?" His lips connect with my neck, kissing and nipping at the skin softly as I try pathetically to stop myself from making any noises in front of Tory.

"It's like 3am and Libbie wants to go shopping at in five hours and I can't be bothered with her complaining that I only wear sweatshirts."

"Fine." Shayden sighs, lifting his head up and stepping away from me. "I'll miss you." He whispers, pecking my lips.

"I'll miss you too." My lips tug up unconsciously, wanting nothing more than to stay in our safe little haven forever.