j a i m e e

+

I stand with my head in my hands, "Wow. I don't know what to say."

"Mhm." Libbie hums, her arms crossed. "What an achievement, Ward. I'm speechless."

"Come on, guys." Taylor moans, huffing. "It's an improvement!"

"You burnt it again." I deadpan, eyes narrowing.

"But," Taylor says, "It's not as bad as the first time!"

"You've said that the past five times." I exclaim, pointing to my trash can that was practically filled to the rim.

"You've actually done it." Libbie sighs, pinching her nose with her thumb and index finger. "You managed to mess up toast. Who can't make toast?"

"Obviously me!" Taylor shouts exaggeratedly, "Right I give up. I'm done. Why am I even friends with you guys?"

"God, go cry somewhere else." Libbie kisses her teeth, rolling her eyes at him as she grabs a chocolate bar and goes over to the couch.

"Shut the fuck up, Elizabeth." Taylor shouts. I suck in a breath at his words. Libbie despises her birth name, having literally given every boy in 4th grade a bloody nose for calling her anything but Libbie. It's the one thing that I've ever seen her get truly angry about, and was the exact reason why she legally changed her first name to Libbie the moment she turned 18.

"What did you just say?" She asks slowly, dangerously. After a few moments of tense silence, she collapses down onto my couch and shakes her head, "I can't. I can't do this anymore."

She continues once Taylor's confusion was made apparent.

"I can't speak to you when you're so emotional. Is it that time of the month again?"

Red heat travels up Taylor's cheeks and I could tell he was trying to stop himself from reacting like a typical man who was suffering from a masculinity crisis.

"You're so cute when you get angry." She coos. He just sends her a glare, his mouth opening and closing with no words coming out. "Calm down, Ward. You're not a fish."

"Can we just go and get food seen as Taylor messed up my kitchen?" I complain, nose curling as the burning smell literally stains my entire senses. "I'm hungry."

"Fine." Taylor huffs, "Seen as you can't appreciate my cooking, we'll go to the diner."

Libbie holds her hands up, shaking her head before Taylor even finishes speaking. "No. I'm on a diet."

"Libbie, eating a diet that is solely carbs is not a diet. You can't just eat fries for the rest of your life."

"I can try!" She exclaims, offended. "You don't understand! If I eat any more chicken, I'll actually turn into a chicken nugget."

"God we can only dream. At least chicken nuggets can't talk." Taylor mutters under his breath. I'm almost certain that he hadn't intended for us to hear him but we do, Libbie's face turns red with anger as I try to physically stop myself from laughing aloud.

+++

"This is incredibly stupid." I state. "Like completely crazy."

"I agree." Libbie nods her head, eyes wide. "100%"

"Bordering insane." Taylor grunts.

"You guys ready?" I lift my eyes up from the plate of chicken wings, eyeing my best friends readily.

Taylor sends me his best shit-talking grin, "Of course"

"3, 2, 1- Go!"

We dig into the chicken wings, a mixture of surprise and pain escaping each of us equally.

When the local Diner had announced a wing roulette challenge, Taylor had practically begged us to get involved and now we were sat here risking our entire taste buds just for a laugh.

"Fuck." I mutter, mouth burning as I practically downed all of my milkshake.

Taylor laughed before he started to cough, fanning at his mouth as I assume the same sensation overtook him.

Ha. Karma's a bitch.

Through the excitement and suffering, I found my mind wandering back to Shayden. This would've been something he loved. We always used to do them all-you-can-eat food challenges that involved us both eating enough food to feed a small village.

The three of us hadn't spoken about Shayden since that day in the diner, but I hadn't forgotten the look on Taylor's face when I went home. I could hear his voice in my head from when we first started speaking again, after my months of silence. Whenever he mentioned Shayden, he always stressed about how upset he was. It haunted me, especially when I thought about Shayden being alone with barely anyone around to support him. I made the choice to distance myself from people, Shayden never had that option.

"What's up with you?" Taylor's voice pulled me out of my thoughts, my gaze meeting an expectant one.

It took a few seconds for his question to register in my mind before I finally answered, shrugging. "Nothing."

Taylor nodded, pursing his lips as if he expected that answer. "Are you thinking about Shay?"

A bubble of tension surrounded all of us then as Libbie shuffled in her seat, uncomfortable by the clear shift in topic.

"A bit." I chose to answer with my tone purposely sharp as an indication that I didn't want this conversation to continue.

"Look, I'm not trying to start an argument with you, Jai. But you can't come back in his life if you're just going to leave again."

"Tay-" Libbie says softly but he just shakes his head at her.

"No, Libb. Jai, I get that the breakup hurt you too but Shayden didn't leave his home for months, he barely ate. He couldn't sleep, could barely hold a conversation. If you have any intention of leaving him or stringing him alone, you just need to back off now becau-"

"Look, I get you're trying to protect him. I get it. I'd be the same way if someone hurt Libbie or you." I stress, not letting my gaze waver. "But I have no intention of doing anything to him. Shayden has made every first move, every reaching out. If he wants a friendship then I'll be happy to be around him again. But don't speak to me as if it didn't affect me too because losing him broke me."

"I know it did, Jaimee." His eyes softened, "Look, I'm still pissed about it. I don't know what happened between you and Shayden was never angry, so I guess I just feel annoyed on his behalf that he got his heart broken."

"What d'you mean he was never angry?" My eyebrows furrowed. "He wasn't annoyed?"

"He was broken. Like an empty, emotionless type of broken." Taylor explained, "And even when he was getting back to normal, he never got angry. He's never said a single bad thing, he just asked that I didn't mention you. But, if anything, I think he was pissed at himself for letting it happen."

"It was never on him. Nothing that happened was ever his fault." I say softly, his words hitting me harder than I ever expected.

My entire mind was conflicted, running over our kiss in the park, focusing on his words and how my heart raced so dangerously whenever I was near him.

That night still came to me in flashes. Shayden wouldn't accept the fact I didn't want to be with him more, so I told him the first thing that came to mind.

That I cheated.

Of course, that part was never true. Shayden was, and always will be, it for me. But I couldn't help but feel responsible that another man touched my body, touched me in places that only Shayden ever had. So I lied. I thought he'd be pissed, I thought he'd hate me. That was the intention, I wanted him to be angry.

A part of me wholeheartedly believed that if he was angry, it would surpass any grief or heartache he'd feel.

And I can't help but think about how wrong I was to do that. How wrong it was of me to make him question himself.

He never did anything wrong. None of this was ever his fault.

By the time we're back at my apartment, the focus has gone back to the fact both of my best friends only had one brain cell between them.

My head rested on the couch as I decided to watch the scene before me unfold without getting involved.

Taylor had insisted that we had a movie night to celebrate his achievement with the food challenge, but he seemed to forget that we'd never had a movie night without some sort of argument arising. Him and Libbie always find a way to argue, whether it be about the snacks, the movie choice or where we're sitting on my couch.

Tonight they decided that they suddenly hated the two options that we'd left over from the last time this happened. Taylor wanted to watch The Breakfast Club while Libbie was adamant about watching some dumb horror film.

"THE BREAKFAST CLUB IS A CLASSIC!"

"IT'S DEPRESSING, YOU DUMB FUCK! I WANT TO LAUGH AT PEOPLE BEING DUMB, NOT CRYING BECAUSE ALL OF THEM HAVE SHIT LIVES."

"SCARY MOVIE IS THE SHITTEST HORROR FILM EVER!"

"WHAT?" Libbie's jaw dropped, holding her hands up as she took a step back from Taylor. She shook her head, disgust making her top lip curl up. "Are you a child or do you just have no brain cells?"

"Excuse you, bitch. I am a man." Taylor rebuts, eyes narrowing.

The pink haired girl then smirked, eyes dropping to Taylor's pants before raising her eyebrows. I don't know how, but I knew what she was going to say before she said it.

"Trust me, babes. I've seen what you're packing and describing yourself as a man is ambitious."

I snort, before trying to play it off as a cough as I hide my head in my arms. Taylor's jaw completely dropped and Libbie looked incredibly proud of herself.

"Jaimee, remind me that it's illegal to hit a girl."

"Do it for the banter." I shrug, "You do you, Hun."

"I hate you both. That's it. Friendship terminated."

"Stop being overdramatic." I roll my eyes, "Sit down and shut up. We're watching The Lion King and if I hear one of you disagree, I'm going to put my fork in your eye."

"But scar-"

"Libbie, you'll be asleep by the time anything interesting happens. Just eat your ice-cream and stop complaining." I say, to which she huffs at.

"You can't make me watch The Lion King. I'll cry, Jaimee. Like, physically cry." Taylor says dramatically.

I sigh, giving him my best uninterested look. "Taylor, just turn your hearing aids off when it gets to the sad part. It's not hard."

"What if I don't want to turn them off? Why should I have to alter my hearing because you're completely heartless?"

"Hey! Why are you looking at me? It's Jaimee who's still a child and likes disney shi-"

"Finish that sentence and you'll find your hair shaved off when you wake up tomorrow morning. Don't test me."

"I'm going on strike. Fuck you. Fuck that movie. And fuck off." She puts her middle finger up at both of us, grabbing her earphones and laying down on the couch.

"Why can't we ever have one night without the dramatics?" Taylor whines.

"Because Libbie doesn't like you, I don't like socializing and you're practically a kindergartener in a 23 year old's body."

"Should we just sleep?"

"Sounds good." I nod my head, bidding them goodbye and heading into my room.

Sleep sounds delightful. There was no doubt about it being one of my favorite things to ever exist. That is, until I'm awoken by my own screams.

I wake up clutching my chest, sweat running down my forehead as my heart pounds dangerously in my ears, rattling my rib cage as I fight for breath. My mind swirled with memories of that day in 8th grade. The blood, the ambulance, the cries. I ignore the sound of Libbie's voice on the other side of my apartment as I rest my head on my pulled up knees, taking slow and deep breaths.

"Bad night, huh?"

I didn't need to look up to the door frame to find who was there. If Libbie was up, Taylor would be too. I recognized Taylor's voice almost immediately.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Taylor stepped into my bedroom, coming closer to my bed. I didn't stop crying and, for once, I didn't feel ashamed showing my emotions around them.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" I ask, raising my head and looking at Taylor with wet eyes. Libbie stands next to him quietly, pity swarming her light eyes.

"Cause you're crying." Taylor smiles softly.

He was always my favorite, even before we became friends properly. He was known for being kind, soft, and funny. Every time we walked past each other in the school corridors, he'd have a smile on his face. The shit we went through during our teenage years hardened him, but he was still the same Taylor that I met at 13.

I chuckled lightly despite the suffocating weight pressing down on my chest, "Sorry, Tay."

Taylor sits down on the edge of my bed, his smile dropping as his face becomes serious. "Are you okay, Jai?"

I just gave him one of my looks. "I think you know that answer."

"Was it that?" He asks, eyes diverting to where I knew the scars on my exposed arms were hidden under my half-sleeve. "What were you dreaming about?"  He clarified.

"What else?" I laughed dryly, voice choking up as the tears started to fall again.

Taylor immediately wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer into the hug.

"You're not alone, okay?" He says out loud, still holding me. "You're strong. Stronger than any of them bastards."

I exhale, trying to match my breathing with his.

Finally, Taylor let me go. Panic rose in my chest.

"Tay-"

"I'm not leaving. Neither of us are." He reassures me quietly, "Move over."

"What?"

"Move into the middle." Taylor repeated, laying down next to me. I feel Libbie shuffle into the bed on the opposite side to me. "We've got you, sis."

"I don't want to see them again. In my head." I said quietly, knowing they would understand.

"You won't." Libbie whispers, laying her forehead on my back and wrapping an arm around my waist as I rested my own head into the crook of Taylor's shoulder. "You're not alone, Jai. We've got you."

"And if they try to come back, I'll fight them off with my bare hands."

I chuckled, "I love you guys."

"Love you both." Libbie mumbles, her voice thick with sleep.

"And I love you both too. You're my family."

I was about to fall asleep when I hear Taylor speak again, "But if you ever tell anyone I said that, I'll smack you both."