j a i m e e

+

The following night, Shayden had booked us into a hotel. It was nice, the bedroom was bigger than both mine and Shayden's put together. I threw the small suitcase containing our clothes onto the couch, pulling out my outfit for the night.

My fingers shook slightly as I pulled the lingerie out, I ignored the way my mouth instantly dryed at the thought of what I planned to do.

Shayden seemed on edge too, and I think it's because he's well aware of why I asked him if we could get out of our apartments for a while.

I was going to get over my fear tonight. Shayden was going to fuck me.

"Jaimee?" My eyes flickered up to Shayden's as he said my name, "Are you okay?"

"'M going to take a shower." I mumbled, running a hand over my face as I took my clothes and a towel into the bathroom.

My heart is racing against my rib cage, not being calmed in the slightest by the warm water. This wasn't a new feeling to me- anxiety- but I knew wholeheartedly that I'd have to get over myself if I really wanted to do this.

Spending my entire life scared just wouldn't work. I couldn't dance around this anymore. We'd already done more than kiss, but that was before he found out. What if he wouldn't want me anymore? What if the thought disgusted him? What if he thinks I'm just 'damaged goods'?

"Fuck it." I mutter to myself, shaking my head as I dry myself off. I inhaled deeply, trying to distract myself from my overflowing mind. Thoughts cascaded my mind and I couldn't escape- they were suffocating. I pull on my thong and bra. "C'mon. You can do this. You've got this."

Stepping out of the bathroom, my eyes instantly find Shayden who's laying on the bed with his phone in his hands. His fingers stop typing when he hears me enter the room, gaze flickering up and widening once he sees me.

"Fuck me." He mutters, pulling his lip between his teeth as his black eyes rake over me.

Throwing a smirk onto my face, I resist the urge to dig my fingernails into my palm as I say, "I intend to."

Something shifts between us then as I walk over to the bed, straddling his hips and pressing my lips to his. I breathe in his scent, the familiarity relaxing me slightly as I force my body to calm down. The fake confidence came to me naturally as I grind down onto his clothed thighs, exhaling deeply so my breath tickles his skin.

"Baby," He mutters, leaning his head back as he pulls himself away. "What are you doing?"

"Why are you asking stupid questions?" I hum, attaching my lips to his neck and moving them up towards his jaw. Shayden lets out a soft moan as I start to nip at the most sensitive area of his skin.

"Jai, no."

Ice runs through my veins at his tone. The rejection stings more than I thought it would. "What?"

"I'm not going to have sex with you."

My stomach drops.

"You don't want to touch me." I let out, blinking at him. The pressure on my chest only accumulates.

He thinks I'm disgusting.

"That's not true."

Cameron ruined you. Why would he want to stay with you after his best friend's already had you?

"But you won't sleep with me."

His gaze softens, "Not tonight, love."

My shaking fingers balled up into fists and I tried to desperately fight off all self-deprecating thoughts that started to invade my head. I climb off him, kneeling on the bed beside him.

"You got us this room so we could have sex. I want to, I'm giving you my consent." I emphasise, gesturing between both of us. "I want this."

"No, you came to this hotel room to have sex with me. I got this hotel room to take care of you." Shay shuffles upwards, crossing his legs. "You needed to get away from your apartment and I wanted to spend time with you, look after you."

"I want to, Shay." I try to stress, forcing myself to lean forward and kiss him again. But he just turns his head away.

"Baby, no. You're not doing this because you want to. I can see that. Stop trying to pressure yourself into doing something you're not ready for."

His words leave me breathless. I was quiet for a moment before lying down, curling up into a fetal position. The silence didn't seem so daunting as we breathed in unison together.

Shayden flopped down besides me, turning so we were facing each other.

"Do you know you have dimples on your back?"

"What?" My eyebrows furrow at the question, confused.

"You have dimples on your back, did you know?"

I shake my head, mouthing a No.

"It was always something that I loved about you. A feature so small but so intimate that not even you knew it existed." He reaches out slowly, as if he was waiting for me to flinch away, and runs his finger along my cheeks. "I've loved you for nearly half of my life. Sex doesn't matter to me when in comparison with your happiness and your safety, both mentally and physically."

"You don't have to look after me, Shay." I whispered.

"I love you." He pulls my hand up to his face, "That means I want to look after you."

"I don't know what to do." I admit, "I thought I was ready but..I don't want to have sex tonight. I can't see myself ever wanting to again. I can't imagine ever being able to do anything like that again without being back there." My voice cracks at the end, my eyes shut as I try to think about absolutely anything other than that night.

"What do you need me to do?"

"Hold me." I say, swallowing all my pride.

"'Course, love." We slide under the covers. His arms rest gently around my waist as I snuggle contently into his chest.

I feel like crying but nothing comes out. It was that sort of sick sadness when you just can't feel any worse.

A part of me thought I'd healed from it all, especially after it was so long ago. But confronting all my emotions with Shayden, experiencing all these feelings that had become so foreign to me, has just confirmed that my manner of running from the past had just broken me even further. It hurts so deeply and I don't know what to do anymore.

"I don't know how to do it, Shay."

"Do what?"

"Get over being...being raped. I know deep down that I should be thankful it wasn't a worse situation. That I wasn't killed or that he got found not guilty. But I can't program my mind into thinking like that. How am I supposed to be grateful for having survived this?"

"I'd do anything to make this better for you, baby. I just hope the pain eases soon." He runs his fingers through my untamed hair, tangling his fingers into the curls.

"What if I can't ever do it?" It was excruciating, the idea that I could be feeling this exact terror for my entire life. The fear, the hopelessness. "What if I spend the rest of my life scared?"

"You won't, Jai." His voice was soft and gentle, his confidence in me seeping through his tone.

"But what if I am?"

"Then it doesn't change anything. I'll still be here."

I shake my head fiercely, not being able to cope with that idea. "No, you won't. You can't make promises that you can't keep, it's not fair on you."

Shayden's hands caress my head, lifting my chin up so I'm looking at him as he speaks. "Darlin', I don't know how to express to you how much sex doesn't matter to me. I've been in love with you since I was 13, and I spent four years without you by my side and it was the worst loneliness that I've ever felt. Sex doesn't form the foundation of our relationship, so why would it impact us?" He smooths the hair from my face, "But in the off chance that you want it, that you want to overcome that barrier. I'll stick with you and stay patient, I'll do everything you need me to do. Whether that's in a month, a year or never in our lifetime. I love you - that is enough."

The sincerity in his expression renders me speechless. Every ounce of my being wants to believe him.

"I..." My voice breaks as I try to render the courage to speak, "I love you, Shay."

His eyes widen, as though he wasn't expecting me to say it back. But I do and it feels right, to finally confess my never ending love for the man whose love and care and loyalty has never faltered, despite the fact I'd given him a million reasons to run away.

He wraps his arms around me, cradling my head as my arms intertwined around his waist. "I've got you, Mendoza. You're not on your own anymore."

"What did I do to ever deserve you?" The question slips past my lips before I have the chance to filter it. We pull away from each other as I rest my head on his chest, his arm lazily slung over my body. "I felt so safe behind the lies. Pretending that I was normal, that everything was fine. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to act now that you know. I can't do this anymore, Shay. This tug and war with myself."

"Then don't do it. You don't need to hide what happened to you, you don't need to be ashamed. That bastard hurt you and healing is hard. But nine years ago, we were in a situation that we didn't think we'd get through. You never thought you'd survive the damage from the attack but you did, you got through it. The point is that you will always surprise yourself. You're trying your best and that is enough. And if at any point, you start to doubt yourself, that's fine. I believe in you enough for the both of us."

"We've got this." I whisper, my voice breaking as my tears threatened to spill down my face.

"We've got this, baby. JM and SN forever, right?" He leans forward, kissing my forehead as I relax.

"JM and SN forever." I agree quietly, smiling despite the pain.

"Is that alright?" He questions quietly, searching my eyes for any sign of hesitance as he begins to trace circles onto my exposed thigh. The feeling of his fingers sent sparts through me at the contact, making my breathing hitch at shock of how safe I felt.

I nod my head silently, biting my lip as all the tension in my muscles dissipates.

His eyes drift to my lips and they linger there for a moment and I know exactly what he wants.

His hand on my thigh pauses. My heart goes crazy and I try to not visibly react but it's almost impossible as my stomach is sent into a frenzy.

"Jaimee."

I blink at him, my chest rising with every passing second between us. My stare skims over his features and I don't even understand how one man could be so breathtaking. Words fail to come to mind, my head completely mesmerised by the most beautiful person that I'd ever had the privilege to lay eyes on.

Those black orbs lift from my lips slightly, "Can I kiss you? Is that okay?"

I hum eagerly, nodding my head as I silently beg for him to press our lips together. For him to touch me in a way that felt so right and made me feel safe.

Shayden doesn't wait any longer, leaning over and making our lips meet in the most gentle way. The corner of my lips tug up against his almost on instinct, content as we finally embrace each other.

There was no hesitation in my mind that Shayden was my endgame. The person my Dad always spoke about, my soulmate. He's shown me exactly what a real man is; one that will love and support you despite adversity, one that will take you to a hotel room just to care for you, and one that will respect your boundaries even when you don't know them yourself.

My hand meets the back of his neck as he resumes rubbing circles into my skin. I let out a small gasp, allowing him to take control of the kiss as my fingers moved to run through his curls. But despite the control I give him, Shayden still appeared to move so carefully and hesitantly, as if he was scared of pushing me past my comfort zone.

I'm about to move to straddle him when he moves back from me.

"Am I allowed to do that again?"

A smile tugs at my features, "You can kiss me whenever you want, bubs."

His eyes light up at that and before I can continue, his lips are covering mine again. Teasing and harsh and then he's gone again.

"Oh yeah?" His teeth tugs his swollen bottom lip into his mouth, "Whenever I want?"

I can't help but let out a giggle at his words, nodding my head eagerly. "Whenever you want."

"Can I kiss you before you go to sleep?"

He leans in, pecking my lips as I try to pull him closer.

"Of course."

"How about when you wake up, hm? Or do you still have that stupid morning breath rule?"

"Hey, it's not stup-"

"Can I kiss you in front of our friends?" He asks softly, a giddy smile crossing his lips that I can't help but admire. "Can I pull you close to me? Mark your neck so they all know who's yours? Hm? Can I do that whenever I want, baby?"

"Only if I can do the same to you." My lips cover his own and he doesn't push away this time and I treasure every single moment of this.

Shayden laughs at my statement against my lips, his joy tugging at my heartstrings. I mirror his smile as we eventually separate, his hands lingering delicately on my waist as we stare at each other.

Nothing else matters right now. He'd given me hope that things will change for the better, and I can't wait.