IT BEGINS WITH YOU AND ME.

Do you remember that day as well as I do? My heart was racing and I couldn't breathe but you were there. You crouched down next to me and in low soothing tones you told me that it would be alright; the world didn't end and I was still alive. You were right, god, you were always right. Even in the moments you did wrong, you were right. I don't think I believed you. No more than I do right now when you tell me the things you shouldn't.

Do you remember everything the way I do? I was sure, sometimes, that i was the only one who felt and you stayed simply out of pity. It was a Tuesday morning, a perfect one. It wasn't too hot and nor was it cold. It was the perfect amount of everything. You were sitting next to me and you were speaking animatedly of things I don't remember anymore. You paused for a second and the clouds rolled around and so did the shadows on your face. I lost you then.

Do you remember how bad it felt? How horrible everything was? When we first made love, we called it an accident. But it was just an excuse, wasn't it? Did it excuse why we flirted before doing it? Did it excuse how we kept coming back for more? We came back for more even when we didn't want to. Why? Everything with you felt inevitable, everything about us was unavoidable. I try to imagine my life without you but how can I when you were my life?

Do you know what I did for the first time when you left? I played the voicemail you left me when you first told me you loved me and not her. It was what I held onto; it was all I had that was yours. I didn't sleep that night or the next. Espresso shots and e-cigarettes were my only company until that little fight you had with her and you came back to me. You held me in your arms and you calmed me down.

There are moments when I lose you. When I wake up and find you sitting next to me with your head in your palms. I lose you then. Your face is a mixture of regret and confusion. I don't want you to regret me so I let you inside my body again and again. I let you inside my heart and try to shield you from everything but in the end, I know, I fucking know that it's burying you.

Do you remember when I broke up with you? It broke me but somehow, it broke you, too, didn't it? I didn't understand you, I still don't. You didn't understand yourself, either. You tried to figure out how the hell did you want two different people and it ate away at you.

And it ends with only me. It ends with you in pain and also another who remains ignorant blissfully. It ends with you wanting and me waiting and it ends and ends and ends and ends and ends and it doesn't ever stop. I wait every day at the place we first met and when you slice your wrists, I wait by your grave. I wait to be with you because waiting has turned into a sweet torture that I will always associate with your return. You always came back and I am still waiting.