Today was another busy day at university. Days were nearing towards finals week with loads of deadlines piling up alongside study groups and incomplete notes. I had a lot to catch up on, like always, but the mess was a little easier to compartmentalize since I had Nico to rely on. He was always just there to help me out, and sometimes I just didn't think I deserved it.

"Don't be fucking stupid, Rhodes." He told me once, entirely dismissive about the whole ordeal.

I still always tried to pick up his favorite drink of the month (this month, it was actually--unbelievably--vanilla milkshake) before we met up, as a quiet thank you. That always got him in a good mood, especially in the mornings.

There was still, however, other stuff in my periphery that needed my attention.

Like my increasing pile of unwashed laundry.

I'd been neglecting my dorm for quiet some time now, which really couldn't be helped now that I had started hanging around Dad's house (the thought of it still left me in disbelief at times) or spent the rest of my time at Ryder's.

I hadn't truly been here in days. Deep down, I didn't even like being here all alone. The silence that greeted me when I was on my bed all alone, with only my own thoughts as company, only managed to remind me of Brooke. I told as such to Nico once and he gave me the stink-eye whenever I refused his suggestion to give up my dorm altogether. He wasn't wrong to suggest it, it was just that I didn't think Dad or Ryder would want me to permanently live with them.

"Have you asked them?" Alyssa asked me over the video call, her face earnestly curious on the screen of my laptop.

I looked down at the heaps of dried clothes in my hands and dumped them on my dorm bed. "I...That's not something you just ask someone."

"He's your dad, Alice." She responded as I found a comfortable spot on my bed and adjusted the laptop screen so she could see me right. "Of course he'd love to have you live with him. You told me he doesn't even live that far away from your campus. That'll be like, amazing for your savings too."

I picked up a tank top and started folding it. "I don't want to force him to say yes."

She let out a noise that sounded much like a sigh. I wouldn't know because I was avoiding the screen and her image on it.

"I'm sure you won't be forcing anyone. But it's okay." She seemed to hesitate before adding, "I won't blame you if you're hesitant to trust him after all that was...Mom."

I glanced up at her, at the sad look on her face, and wished for the umpteenth time that Mom had tried reaching out to me after the fight we'd had that day at my--her--house. I still carried this tiny flicker of pathetic hope within me, to fix things between us, even though I could fully accept it now that I'd never meant much to her anyway. I might never will.

"What about Ryder?" She asked me, her features perking up with even more curiosity now. Anything was better than the upset look on her face.

"I...Well." I left it at that, letting go of the tank top that I'd damn near strangled by then and fully looked up at her.

"Well?" She smiled, eyes wide.

"I don't think he'll mind," I murmured.

She raised her eyebrows as if to tell me 'that's what I've been trying say'.

"You guys can have the whole roommate situation." She laughed.

I shook my head, smiling even though my face was heating up for some reason. I was being stupid, that's what was happening.

"Alice."

"I'm not doing it, come on."

"You--" She brought her face closer to the screen. All I could see of her now was her eyes. "--are blushing!"

I rolled my eyes at her and continued folding the rest of my laundry. There was a loud gaggle of laughter from outside--a group of friends leaving the dormitory building, that I could see from my window, most probably going to a party. It was a Friday night after all. I gave a quick glance around the grounds unconsciously, tensing a little at the unmistakable shadows--but then again, it was nighttime. There would be shadows.

Alyssa's giggle broke me out of my paranoid staring and I focused back on her--let her tease me a little more. I didn't take it for granted, at least. I hadn't imagined--couldn't bring myself to imagine--that things would be okay between us after all that had happened with Michael.

But they were okay now. She wasn't shutting me out. These video calls--they were something she'd suggested. I hadn't even had to worry myself sick over it. The only person I'd lost at the very end was Mom. My mom.

"Alyssa." I grabbed onto the sweatshirt that belonged to Ryder and pulled it closer to myself, wishing it still smelled like him but knowing it wouldn't anymore. It smelled like detergent, I confirmed after sniffing it surreptitiously. I didn't need to present my obsession so blatantly to Alyssa.

"Yeah?"

"What's..." I trailed off, hesitant. Ask, I urged myself. "Did you get any updates on Michael?"

The bright spark in her eyes--the one borne from delight just from our conversation alone--died out right in front of me. I hated bringing up that name. I hated it when nothing good came out of it anyway.

"No. Not really." She shook her head and looked away, out of frame. "He's just disappeared. I don't even know why I bothered filing a missing person's report. Even his parents aren't bothering to fly over from Atlanta to figure this...all of this out."

I frowned. "They're not?"

She shook her head again, didn't say anything for a quiet while, and I almost convinced myself that we were done discussing it. This. All of it. It was a terror so familiar--a discomfort I experienced too often.

"He didn't have a good relationship with his parents." She murmured. "I don't even think they fully supported his decision to marry me."

Oh.

"I still think we should deal with this--all that happened--legally. At the very least, you should get a restraining order. I don't trust him at all anymore, Alice. And I worry about you."

I opened my mouth, reluctant, then closed it shut. I wasn't really afraid of Michael anymore. I was afraid--would always be--of the memories that haunted me sometimes--of the paranoid habits I couldn't always get rid of. But I wasn't scared of him--couldn't be when Ryder had taken care of that. I nearly winced at that thought.

"I'll...maybe think about it." I told her quietly, hoping she won't press on it. And thankfully enough, she didn't.

My phone buzzed on my nightstand and I glanced over at it--at the flash of the screen, characteristic of a text message.

"Okay, I've got something important to ask you." She smiled, and even though most of it I could see was a forced attempt, I was still relieved we were moving on from the topic.

"About what?"

She got up and left the screen. I heard her rummaging through something, grumbling in between before she returned with two dresses. There was a silver halter-neck dress in her right hand and a figure-fitting black dress in her left one. "I'm doing this club scene sorta thing with a friend or two tonight. What should I wear?"

It struck me then, a little too hard--how we used to do this all the time. Somewhere along the way, maybe with all the guilt and terror I carried within me, I'd given these moments up too. I'd drifted away.

"The black one." I told her. "You know you look good in black."

That led her to pulling out a set of five other black dresses she wanted me to rate out of ten because she was suddenly not sure and apparently, I was a good rater. I took the opportunity like a missed blessing, because to me it was one.

When she left the screen once again to fetch said dresses, I picked up my phone and switched it on. There was a text from Ryder. I tapped it open and was met with a picture of Gem, sprawled on the big old leather couch--the one in his library--the one I'd woken up on not too long ago, with my face smushed into his chest and his hand inside my shirt, stroking my back, a soft sweep from my waist to my nape and then down again. It was a memory too vivid--too happy.

The entirety of that picture brought a giddy fucking smile to my face.

I couldn't believe he'd sent me a picture of Gem, even though it had taken me a total of fifteen texts--all consisting of me begging him to send me one. He'd still listened to me at the end though.

Me: tell her she's the best kitten in the whole world

Me: give her a kiss from me too

Me: !!!

He didn't reply as fast as I wanted him to.

"What has got you grinning like a fool?" Alyssa laughed at me when I whipped my head in her direction--my laptop's direction--and realized that she'd been waiting for me to respond to her selection of dresses for a while now. "Oh my God. Your face."

"I...well...um." My phone buzzed with a text. Then buzzed again.

"Tell. Me."

So I told her what had me grinning like a fool. Alyssa spent the next ten minutes gushing along with me.

"I'm just..." She'd forgotten her dresses now and had taken her laptop to her own bed. She gave me a soft smile--a big sister smile. "I'm just really happy that you're happy, Alice. I just think...you deserve it more than anyone else in this world."

There was this sudden lump in my throat, too hard to swallow down. I pushed my hair back behind my ears.

"You deserve it too, Alyssa." I whispered.

She nodded. "I am happy."

And maybe even if she didn't really mean it then, I thought that she might find her happiness too in a while. She deserved it more than me.

Alyssa's friend, who she was going to the club with, suddenly barged into her room, a flurry of quick words being exchanged and then chaos ensued. Introductions were made before Alyssa hurriedly told me she'd have to go, apologizing a million times, before she had to end the call.

I laughed softly and leaned back against the hard headboard behind me, my freshly washed unfolded laundry forgotten in front of me. Another bark of laughter resounded from the grounds outside, and I relaxed back against my pillows.

Then I opened Ryder's texts.

Ryder: Querida.

Ryder: I'm not doing that.

I grinned, felt my heart race in a way that scared me a little--it shouldn't scare me, I knew that. Still, my palms felt a little clammy when I lifted my fingers to type.

Me: love you.

I sent it, felt the click of my throat as I swallowed. My heart thudded softly, sweetly in my chest. Not in panic, but acceptance. It ached, the place where my heart was, because I longed for him always.

I love him.

I stared at the screen and at our text conversation. He didn't see the text right then. I breathed out shakily and wondered if I should delete it before he saw it. Or maybe I should just fuck it and call him.

I could.

I knew he wouldn't mind.

I lifted my finger, but I didn't get to press on the call icon when I heard a distant shout. A scream. And then the unmistakable scent of smoke.

It was instant--the turn of events. I remember looking up from my phone too fast, eyes widening at the shock of hearing the scream outside, at the few seconds of silence after it, before more panicked shouts followed. And then I was stumbling out of my bed and pulling my room's door open, alarmed when I could see the chaos out in the hallway, people rushing out too fast.

"Alice!"

I jerked back against my door when I made out my next door neighbor's face right in front of me. I felt...stuck. Like my thoughts were too behind me to act upon.

"Come on." Her eyes were wide--terrified. The smoke seemed to be increasing--from where I didn't know. "We need to evacuate. Didn't you hear the alarm?"

The alarm?

And then I did hear it, the deafening sound going all around the building. Too loud. Amidst the sudden panic growing within me, I hadn't noticed. The screams were too loud.

"Come on quick." I think her name was Sarah, as she urged me once more before turning around and rushing out.

I gripped my phone tighter in my hand, suddenly realizing that I needed to move out--fast--what was happening?

A fire, I heard voices--screams--too much smoke.

Running back inside my room, I pulled on the first set of shoes I could find, heart racing and thoughts stuttering to a halt. I needed to go. I needed to--

It was a blur of motion, things happening too fast, seconds flying by, crowd thinning into nothing but smoke. My breaths felt sticky, like they weren't making their proper way to my lungs, like the smoke was getting to my head. I took the emergency stairs, frightened, but the smoke was everywhere all at once.

And then a shadow.

A silhouette too fast.

I stopped by the railing, nearly stumbling down the rest of the steps. I could hear voices of my dormmates but they were far. The figure slowly walking up the stairs, towards me, wasn't anyone from here.

From my dormitory building.

I recognized the gas mask first.

Inhaling too fast, too suddenly, I coughed. Grabbed the stairwell and turned around, running back upstairs. Back towards my room--towards the source of the smoke and the fire, I realized belatedly. But there was no other way.

"No, no, no." I could hear my frantic breathing, my panicked gasps.

My phone, I thought within the haze, switched it on and found my text conversation with Ryder.

No, please.

Sounds of slow footsteps resounded behind me, chasing me. I pressed on the call icon--a panicked sob escaping my lips. I could taste the smoke. I had no way to go but up--back into the smoke and the fire and the screams.

The call picked up on the other end, my hand clammy around my phone.

Please, I thought--begged--prayed.

"Ryder--" It was my voice--my plea--the only word I could get out before I was grabbed roughly from behind.

My phone fell from my grasp.

Too much smoke and heat and fire and an unwanted grasp. A cloth pressed over my mouth. I think I screamed. No one heard me. The gas mask dug painfully into my temple, a steel grip of an arm banded across my shoulders--my throat--crushing my windpipe.

"Sleep," the voice rasped against my ears.

And then everything went black.

_____________________

Another update!! Yay!!

Forgive me for the ending of this chapter! I just had to 😭.

Xx.