Chapter 18

I was lost in the abyss of my thoughts so early in the morning. The white space of the wall I am staring at for ages is an epitome of my heart right now—blank and empty. And at the same time, a thousand thoughts are running inside of my head.

I miss my Mama.

Tumagilid ako, pinipilit na huwag tumulo ang mga luha. I bit my lower lip. There are random mornings when I wake up missing my mother and grandparents terribly. Sometimes, I'd wear her satin robe to feel what was left of her scent, her presence that has faded into painful memories when she died.

Nagtagal ako ng kalahati pang oras sa kama. It's Sunday morning and it reminds me so much of my mother. If she's still alive, she'd wake me up and will take me to the farmer's market. She'll shop for herbs and tea and will host a mini tea party with her closest friends, talking about books and politic and the fashion industry. With her, she proved that a woman can talk politics and not appear to be condescending.

Pagpatak ng alas nuebe ay kinatok na ako ng isa sa mga kasambahay namin kaya napilitan akong bumangon. I wrapped the robe tighter around my frail body and padded towards the door. Bumungad sa akin ang nakangiting mukha ni Manang Joji. But I can see in her eyes that she's worried about me.

"Dinala ko nalang ang pagkain mo dito. Nauna nang kumain ang Papa mo at si Valerie."

I nodded and murmured a thanks. Ipinasok ko ang inabot niyang tray sa akin na may lamang pagkain. I stared at the toasted garlic bread, pasta, and a glass of orange juice, suddenly realizing that I don't have the appetite to eat this morning.

Sumilip ang isang manipis ngunit sobrang itim na usok sa aking bintana. I frowned. No one burns anything within the property. And the sight of a mere smoke scares me, after witnessing the raze that killed my mother months ago.

Dali-dali akong bumaba at nagtungo sa likod ng mansion. There, I found one of the housekeepers burning some things in a huge drum. Medyo kinabahan ako nang maramdaman niya ang presensiya ko at nilingon ako.

"Ano po yang sinusunog niyo?"

"Utos ni Ma'am Valerie. Basura na daw." Tila bored niyang sagot sa akin.

My mouth dropped when I saw the familiar lace of my first pair of ballet shoes inside the drum. Mabibilis ang mga hakbang ko kasabay ng malakas na kabog ng puso. I couldn't be wrong...

"Mga gamit ko ho to!" I almost exclaimed.

Tila wala siyang narinig at itinapon ang isa ko pang damit sa loob ng drum. I found the near-empty bag, probably full of my clothes and other stuff.

"Teka lang po. Gamit ko po kasi ang mga 'to—"

"What are you doing here, Savannah?"

I shut my eyes tightly. I don't ever want to hear her voice so early in the morning but she's here again. When I turned, she's cocking an eyebrow at me, watching me under her scrutinizing eyes.

"Pinasunog mo ang mga gamit ko?" I tried to ask calmly, and reminded myself that I need to watch my temper or I'm gonna lose it every time I speak with Valerie.

"Oo. May problema ba?"

Marahas akong suminghap. I know she's not stupid, and that she's doing it to trigger me. And I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of my heartbreak. Seeing her burn my first ballet shoes and the rest of my clothes is her declaration of war.

If it's a full-blooded battle that she wanted, I'm going to fight her quietly. Quiet, but not weak.

Gusto kong maiyak sa ginawa niya. Tumalikod nalang ako at naglakad pabalik sa mansion. I was upset, and a frown etched on my face when a car honked outside the gate. Pinanuod ko ang isa sa mga lalaking kasambahay na pagbuksan ang gate. An unfamiliar car drove slowly inside. Huminto ito nang makapasok ang kalahati ng sasakyan sa gate. I watched as a young woman climbed out of the car with a kind look on her face. Then she circled and opened the other door, helping my father get out as well.

Umani ito ng pagkunot ng noo ko. I watched them closely. My father behaves like a little kid. He looks confused and disoriented.

A rueful smile touched the unpainted lips of the young woman. "I'm sorry. This is the De la Rua residences, right?"

Tahimik akong tumango at agad na dinalo ang aking ama. He's silent and looks very tired. But the confusion in his eyes is vivid and realistically scary.

"I found your father walking along the neighborhood, lost and alone. He says he doesn't remember his name, or where he lives. Pasensiya na pinakialaman ko ang pitaka niya. I have to check his ID..." inabot niya sa aking ang pitaka ni Papa. "I thought he really looked familiar. Siya pala si Simone De la Rua."

I could feel my heart crushing. Rivers of pain flowed through me as my father watched the mansion as if seeing it for the first time.

"Is this your first time seeing your father like this?" the young woman interrupted politely, as I stood there unable to speak.

Defeated, I shook my head.

"Well, I'm a nurse. And as I was watching your father, he showed signs of dementia. It's a progressive disease, and it should be treated as soon as possible. Naipatingin mo na ba siya sa doktor?"

Umiling ulit ako. This time, I could hear the sharp clicks of Valerie's heels coming towards our way.

"What's going on here?" she demanded in her usual, unfriendly voice. Tinaasan niya ng kilay ang babaeng nagmalasakit na iuwi ang Papa ko sa mansion. "Sino ka?"

The woman explained to her what happened, and Valerie rolled her eyes as if she's hearing some useless drama.

"Simone is just tired." She said in a flat tone, and then snatched my father from me. Papa stared at her in confusion, as if he doesn't know her too. "He just needs to sleep. Hacienda is on chaos now and I'm sure Simone had just been too occupied with all the stress in his business. No one's bringing him to the hospital. You can go now." she said to the young woman.

I gave her an apologetic look and volunteered to see her at the gates. She introduced herself as Graciela, and told me that I should come and visit their hospital with my father.

"I'm afraid your father is really in a terrible condition, Savannah." She still spoke softly, after all the harsh words that she received from Valerie a moment ago. "I don't know what's going on with your family, but your father needs medical attention."

I nodded and thanked her again. Ibinigay niya sa akin ang numero niya kung sakaling magpunta ako ng ospital. Nagpasalamat ulit ako at pumasok na sa mansion. I decided not to go to school today and to check the hacienda myself. Kung totoo man ang sinasabi ni Valerie na nagkaka-problema sa hacienda, at ngayong may sakit si Papa, I'm worried who will take care of it when he's in bed and sick.

Laman pa rin ng utak ko ang nangyari kanina nang makarating ako sa hacienda kinahapunan. The shade of the sun is warm and I walked under the mango trees planted next to each other, trailing the muddy pathway that would lead to my father's office.

Pinagmasdan ko ang hacienda. This is the first time I've been here since we returned. I did not care much about this land as a child, and now seeing it in this dreadful condition breaks my heart.

The barn that used to accommodate livestock is now empty. As a kid, I could see how busy the hacienda was, with lots of workers and farmers and suppliers roaming around. Sometimes, a tourist would request to ride one of the horses that are now gone. Kung mayroon man akong makita ay iisa o dalawa nalang. Ang iba ay nangangayayat na at halatang hindi naaalagaan nang mabuti.

I walked slowly, trying to digest what's happening. The hacienda looks healthy and thriving when we left La Union, and now it's been a barren land. The workers look tired, and some are bored with nothing to do. The paint in my father's office are chipping off and there are signs of ages and sadness everywhere.

Mas lalong bumagal ang paglalakad ko nang mamataan ang pamilyar na bulto sa di kalayuan. Nakatalikod at kinakausap ang isa sa mga trabahador. My pulse raced. A certain memory we created in the car just a few days ago occupied my mind and when I'm not feeling lonely, occasionally puts a grin on my face.

"Blake..."

He turned to me, the sunlight hitting his dark, brooding eyes and making him look more magnificent than he is. Pati ang panghapong liwanag na tumatama sa pisngi niya ay mas lalo ding nagpakisig sa kaniya. I stepped on the tip of his tall shadow looming over me, as I finally approached them.

"Anna." He acknowledged me with a nod. Tinanguan ko din siya at napatingin sa kausap niyang trabahante namin. He's the oldest animal caretakers in our hacienda and we may not be as close with Mang Dante, he's a very good man and a loyal worker of the family.

"Anong nangyayari?"

"Eh, Ma'am, nalaman ko po kasing tatlong buwan na palang hindi humuhulog si Don Simone para sa pension ko. May dalawang buwan din siyang delay sa sweldo ko. Hindi lang po ako, marami kami. At iilan sa kanila nagrereklamo na po. May ibang gusto nang umalis, hinihintay nalang ang sweldo nila."

I turned to Blake with a questioning look.

"I got a call from my father this morning and he asked me to check on the De la Rua hacienda. Ang sabi niya, nagkakaproblema na daw. I thought Tito Simone is just having a hard time with his investors. I didn't realize the problem was this big until I came here and talked to the workers, Anna."

"Nasaan po si Don Simone, Ma'am?" singit ulit ng matanda. He looks tired and weary, just like my father. "Kahapon pa po kasi kami naghihintay sa kaniya."

I don't have the heart to tell him what really happened to my father. Kahapon, normal at masigla pa si Papa. Maaga siyang umalis. Ang akala ko ay sa hacienda ang punta niya. Could it be that he lost his way yesterday and it happened again today? He's fortunate that Graciela found him today.

"Nasa bahay po, may sakit at nagpapahinga."

Hindi na umimik ang matanda. I scanned the surroundings and saw that some of the workers are watching me with hopeful expressions on their faces. Siguro ay nagbabakasakali silang may pinadala si Papa sa akin at ako ang sasalba sa kanila. Just knowing that I wouldn't be able to save them breaks my heart.

"Anna, you should talk to your father. At least settle the dispute here in your workers. I know Tito Simone is really having a hard time coping up with the hacienda. Dad says that if this continues, it'll go bankrupt in a year."

I was dizzy with sadness and stress. Tinanguan ko si Blake at hindi na nagsalita pa. Sensing my mood, he wrapped an arm around my waist.

"Don't worry. I'm going to help you. You don't have much experience in running a hacienda, but you will be the one to run it one day. Don't let it go bankrupt, Anna. This is your legacy from your parents...."

Tinanguan ko na lamang si Blake at bigong iginala ang paningin sa paligid. These people have been loyal to my family and worked very well. I can't let them down. Even if I'm not interested in business, I must find a way to keep the hacienda running. Maybe Valerie burning my ballet shoes is a sign that I should take a different path in life. My dream of becoming a prima ballerina had long vanished ever since my fairytale life ended.

"Anna..." Blake said in a husky voice. Nilingon ko siya. I could see no pity in his eyes, unlike what I expected. All I see is worry. "It's going to be alright. You're strong, like your mother. I believe in you."

Dalawang araw akong naka-absent sa school dahil pabalik-balik ako sa mansion at sa hacienda. My father is normal again that night, and I talked to him about the hacienda. He said he was sorry and admitted that the business is slowly slipping out of his hands.

"Hindi na ako kasinggaling tulad ng dati..." he smiled sadly at me. "Siguro dapat ko na silang pakawalan upang makahanap sila ng mas maayos na trabaho."

"No, Papa." I protested. "We will keep them. I promise to run the hacienda and restore its beauty. Hindi pa naman huli ang lahat."

Valerie chuckled dryly. "Run the hacienda? You're just a child!" she spat. "What do you know about business and running the hacienda? Go back to your room and play some dolls, Savannah. This is an adult matter." Then, she turned to my father. "Dapat mo nang ibenta ang hacienda dahil wala na itong pakinabang sa iyo ngayon. You're not even giving me my monthly allowance! Simone, are we running out of money?"

I restrained my temper and turned to my father again, completely ignoring her.

"May pupuntahan po tayo bukas." I said quietly, excused myself, and then went to the guestroom.

I was thinking about the hacienda the entire night that I found it hard to sleep. I toss and turn in bed, trying to think of ways that can help me save the hacienda. I wouldn't allow Valerie to sell the land or let her manipulate my father into selling his hard-earned business.

I have to think of a plan.

The following morning, I was relieved to see my father doing good. I told him that we're going to the hospital, and explained why. He understood and agreed to go with me. He is very rational to talk with right now, completely different from when he's having an episode and acts like a child.

Nurse Graciela greeted us at the provincial hospital. Nakikita kong pinag-aaralan niya ang bawat kilos ng Papa ko. She's keeping an eye on him. Graciela helped me to arrange the papers and half an hour later, we're face to face talking with the doctor.

"I saw the results of the cognitive and neuropsychological tests..." he said grimly, and my heart sank each minute I spend inside the doctor's office.

"What is it, doctor? Tumatanda na ba talaga ako at nagiging sobrang makakalimutin?" Papa laughed at his own joke.

He shook his head, defeated. "Dementia, Mr. De la Rua. I'm afraid it's a progressive disease, and it has no cure."

The blood from my face drained as he continued to speak with my father, the treatments, the medications he's going to take, and how it will affect his life.

Tahimik kaming dalawa nang makarating sa mansion. Barin greeted me but I don't have the heart to pet him and ignore the big guy as I headed towards my room.

"Anna?"

Nilingon ko si Papa. His eyes are shining with silent tears. My heart broke for him. I hated my father for what he did to my family, but I couldn't bear and watch him suffer.

"Can we talk?"

I hesitated for a moment, and the nodded. Bumaba ulit ako sa hagdan. Barin is watching me closely, and when I patted his head, he finally rested on the floor but kept his eyes on me as we walked to the kitchen.

"I know I've been a bad father to you, Anna..." he said regretfully. "The hacienda is going down, Valerie's going out of control, and now I have dementia." He chuckled bitterly. "I'm not yet dead but I'm paying for my sins."

Wala akong masabi. Tinitigan ko lang siya, hindi gumagalaw mula sa kinauupuan ko.

"I want to make it up to you, Anna. I don't want you to suffer when I'm gone. I know you and Valerie will never get along together, and I want to secure your future with the last of my money."

"Papa, you're not selling the hacienda, aren't you?"

Siya naman ang hindi nakasagot ngayon. He casted his eyes downwards, his shoulders slumping.

"Papa!"

"Valerie is right. I am running out of money. Napakialaman ko ang perang para sana sa iyo. Half of your trust fund is gone, with me trying to save the hacienda and failing miserably. And I have debts. I have debts everywhere. These people will hunt you to pay for it when I'm gone. I don't know how to get rid of it now that I can't even remember my name at times."

Tears pooled in my eyes. Hindi ko ata kakayanin kung pati si Papa, mawawala din sa akin. I'll be lost and alone.

"Hindi ko alam kung anong gagawin ko. I have yet to talk to the attorney to settle the papers and make sure that you get your inheritance. But other than the trust fund and this mansion, I'm leaving you nothing but problems..."

"Pa..."

He placed his hands on mine and wrapped my palm around my fingers gently, as sorrow was visibly etched on his face.

"I'm so sorry, Anna for failing and hurting you. My time is limited, and I don't know if there's anything I can do."

Hinigpitan ko ang hawak sa kaniyang kamay. I stared at him with fierce eyes.

"Papa."

Nag-angat siya ng tingin at tinagpo ang mga mata ko. I never allowed myself to sway.

"May magagawa ka pa..."

"What is it?"

"File an annulment with Valerie. I will save the hacienda. And I will take care of you. I don't care about the money. I'm going to use my trust fund for your medication. I'm not going to give up, Papa. Not now..."

His face is filled with so much emotions that he blinked back his tears. "You're just like your mother..." he lamented.

"Isa po akong De la Rua. The De la Rua are strong, bold, and capable. Valerie doesn't deserve our surname."

My father nodded and pulled me into a hug.

"Trust me, Papa. I will save everything."