My hands are shaking as I grip my marked answer sheet from yesterday's math test, eyes burning while I blink at my score, again and again, till the image of it is branded into my eyelids. Thirty one out of one hundred, and in unmissable red ink, a single word — Fail.

I'm painfully aware that my performance in yesterday's test was pathetically poor, and it's almost embarrassing — the fact that the sight of my bad score still almost shocked me to tears.

It's been a few days since I stopped talking to Ren, but I still haven't been able to adjust to this...new life without him. Not having him around makes this classroom feel different, foreign. It feels like I'm in another city altogether, and it's cold and jarring and makes it impossibly hard to get out from underneath my blanket every morning.

Sometimes, I unconsciously steal glimpses of him — yawning, or scratching the back of his head or rocking in his chair — and I'm hit with these immeasurably large waves of warmth and fondness, and it gets so overwhelming sometimes that it makes it hard for me to stay on my feet.

As I sit here now, bent over in my desk, thinking about Ren, my fingers pressing hard into my answer sheet, I feel my resolve steadily start to weaken. Now that my seat is to the front of the classroom, the teacher's voice is clearer compared to before, the writing on the blackboard more accessible, and I should be taking advantage of this, but I just...can't focus without the comfort of Ren's everyday noises caressing my ears anymore.

Before I realise it, I'm asking myself, what's the point? If I'm going to fail anyway, I'd much rather do so with Ren by my side, attempting childishly to peer at my answer sheet while I fold it away, and even if he laughed at my score, I wouldn't mind, because I just love listening to his laugh, and...

It's happening again.

I close my eyes.

Remember the feel of Baa-san's coarse hand on my cheek. Her throaty voice telling me to look after my sister. Build a good home for the two of you, Akito, was the last thing she ever said to me, before she allowed herself to shut her eyes, lips in a quivering smile, relaxed and unafraid in her final moments, like she knew she didn't have a thing to worry about because she trusted me so wholeheartedly, and I...I can't bear to let her down.

Once I've collected myself, I quickly gather up the papers on my desk and slide them into my folder so that I can retake the test once I return home. I can't give up just because of a few red marks, Baa-san wouldn't like that, and all I want is to keep making her proud.

Sports day is tomorrow, and soon after that, the seniors are being given a whole week off school to prep for the pre-final exams. A whole week away from Ren. It's exactly what I need to finally pull myself together. My one chance to shut myself in my room and make up for all the times I fell behind, with no distractions.

I pull my notebook out in preparation for the next class, and the sight of it involuntarily stirs up a memory within me, one that once brought a clumsy smile to my face every time I remembered it. Do you have to study on sports day?

Of course I have to.

I tightly clutch at my pen, attempting to erase Ren's hurried scrawls from my mind and replace them with the physics equations I memorised last night. No breaks.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

The next day, I spend all morning moving around from one classroom to another, looking for my subject teachers to get the last of my concept related doubts clarified by them and to gratefully accept any final study tips they could offer to me before the holidays.

I walk past students scurrying around the building, dressed in shorts and track suits, full of vigor as they carry banners, cones, paint and other equipment out into the grounds in preparation for the thirty second annual sports day.

There are more cellphones out today than there usually are, flashes and laughter and peace signs making appearances everywhere I go, and I seem to be the only one who's not feeling it...the thing that seems to be making every moment of this day worth capturing. My teachers greet me with surprised looks when I approach them with a book open, and gently touch me on the shoulder before telling me to take it easy for the day. They too seem to be a little giddy from the electric buzz in the air.

Everyone looks so...free today, their smiles effortless as they help each other with their red and blue headbands, and I feel like the only one that's down below, walking the muddy roads as the rest of my classmates fly by, low enough in the sky that I can watch them but still so high up that I'm unable to consider joining in.

Today, the school is a sea of happiness and excitement, and I feel like I'm drowning.

After the fifth teacher laughs at me and tells me to loosen up a little, I finally give up, shoulders hurting from exhaustion as I start heading in the direction opposite to the current of celebrating students. I make my way to the small back garden on the other side of the school, far away from all the sports day ruckus, and prop myself on the steps leading into the grass.

I have a textbook open in my lap, but I'm gazing up at the sky, the distant sounds of drums, trumpets, gunshots and nonstop cheering floating into my ears, and I feel like I'm not really here, like I'm watching this world from somewhere far away with a telescopic lens.

There's a tightness in my chest, and it's difficult to explain this particular feeling of suffocation. There's something I want right this moment, something I want so badly that I feel like I'm starved, but I myself don't understand what it is — If it's something I want to be doing, or somewhere I want to go, or someone I want to see. An unbearable hollowness.

I tear my eyes from the sky and fix them to my book, blinking away the expansive blueness as I hastily attempt to remind myself that everything that I want to achieve is well within my reach, only so long as I'm still down here.

I shouldn't have come, I think as I flip to one page, then to another, my mind failing to attatch any meaning to the words. I should go home. But the thought of walking through the event on the other side, past all the whistling and the whooping and the applause, makes me feel inexplicably queasy.

I glance at my wristwatch. There's also...one other thing that's keeping me here.

The time tells me that Ren's baseball match should be coming to an end any minute, and the realization hurts. I guess I was really looking forward to watching it.

I draw my legs closer and curl in on myself, letting my forehead fall against the open pages of my book. Did Ren look for me? Why did I tell him that I'd never miss the match? It feels like my heart is being grated when I think about Ren's feelings being hurt because of my unkept promise. But...what was I supposed to do? Watch him swing his bat with all of his pent up energy and fall in love with him all over again?

I want to stay till I'm able to gather the outcome of his match. I want to know if he was able to win, after all those weeks of practicing, and if he didn't, I want to make sure his teammates are pulling him close to cheer him up.

I know that if I go into the holidays without knowing how the match played out for Ren, I'd wonder about it so often that it'd get in the way of everything I planned to do. For the sake my goals, I want to check in on this one last thing, so that I'm able to finally move on.

I'll wait here for a few more minutes, then discreetly look for him in the crowd—

"Akito!"

Ren?

Before I even have time to fully turn my neck around, he's already down the stairs, collapsing heavily to my side. It's not often that Ren manages to sneak up on me. The only time I can't sense him, feel his presence grow louder and louder in my surroundings as he approaches me, is when he's truly, wholly happy. My heart beats fast. That means...

He grabs hold of me with both hands, fingers fisting into my sweater, and yanks so hard that for a moment, I think I'm going to fall right into his depthless eyes only to end up in a sparkling night sky. "We fucking won!" he screams into my face, laughing as he shakes me a little, and joy blooms in my chest, almost pushing a smile to my face.

Congratulations, I'm about to say, I'm happy for you, until I notice how close his face is. I take in the funny way his hair is sticking out around his red headband, how flushed his cheeks are, how hard he's breathing, how brilliant his smile is, and I realise that I want nothing more than to hold him here and lean in, kiss him, give him a second to breathe and then kiss him again.

It takes me a moment to remember why I can't do just that, and my heart breaks as I slightly pull away, averting my eyes.

Ren doesn't seem to notice. He lets go of me and leans back onto the steps, using his elbows to prop himself up as he tilts his head back to catch his breath. I gaze at him as soft sunlight casts a warm glow across his face, sweat glistening on his pink cheeks, and the longer I look the harder it gets to breathe, so I break away, my posture rigid as I fix my eyes to the front.

"How did you find me?" I whisper.

"Don't know. Just had a feeling," he says simply, and then I can feel him staring at me from behind.

"In case you're wondering," he starts after a moment. "I'm not mad that you skipped the match, since you have to study and all that. But I figured you'd want to know how the game went so I decided to come here." I swallow thickly, and manage a nod. "The match was fucking crazy by the way," he continues, and I can hear a smile in his voice this time. "We went neck and neck with the other team till the end. It was a close call." He clears his throat then, almost like he's nervous, and when he speaks next, his voice is quiet. "I didn't manage to hit any home runs or anything, but I think I did a good job playing, overall, and...Amari got the whole game on video so you can watch it later, if you want to."

I bite down on my lips to keep them from trembling.

A part of me wants to leave him here and run away, escape this moment, because now, pocketed in a warm corner of my chest is the knowledge that I'm important enough to him that he genuinely wants to share this victory with me, and it hurts so terribly when I try to hold myself back from being happy about it. "Why are you here? You should be celebrating with your teammates," I mumble weakly, attempting to keep the tremor out of my voice.

Ren doesn't answer. I glance at him, heart squeezing tightly. "Ren, where's your medal?"

"Uh..." He trails off, cheeks turning red. "I didn't...I didn't stay for the awards ceremony, I came here right after the match ended."

I stare at him in disbelief, at his eyes that instantly shy away from mine, his cheeks that grow brighter in color the longer I look at him, his fingers that fiddle bashfully with his earring, and a very real fear descends over me.

I've spent the past few days blatantly ignoring him, and I couldn't have possibly made it any clearer to him than I already have that I want him to stay away from me. And yet he ran all the way over here the second his match ended, breathless and happy, because he wanted that badly to tell me about his win. Why doesn't he understand?

I turn away, because my heart can't take any more of the expression on his face, and continue staring stiffly into the distance.

I'm going to have to give it to him straight, aren't I?

"Leave me alone," I whisper shakily, clutching at my arms.

Ren sits up, and reaches for my sleeve, tugging softly at it, like he wants me to come to him. A distant ache starts to pound in the bottom of my stomach, persistent but small. I harden my posture. "Hey..." he says uncertainly, voice low. "Don't...fuck, don't be like this." When I don't respond, he tugs harder, burying his fingers into the fabric of my sweater. "Why won't you look at me?" He tugs again. "Is it...is it another stomach a—"

"No." I try to shrug him off, but he's holding on too tightly. "I'm busy. Leave me alone." I just want to be left alone.

The ache in my stomach grows, pulsing harder and harder with each second that we sit here. "What's your problem?" he barks, voice strained. "Why are you being so cold? I just...I just want everything to go back to the way it was."

What's my problem? It's laughably obvious.

"Ren...it's you. You are the problem," I blurt into the air, tears biting at my eyes, because my heart can't contain it anymore. His fingers loosen around my sleeve, but I go on, because it's too late to stop now. "You're too...too loud. It's distracting. So distracting. And you don't understand when it's time to back off sometimes. You're too impatient, and it's hard to put up with." I stop to breathe. I like you too much. "I'm sorry, Ren, I just don't have time for you right now," I say, concrete drying in my chest. "Please go."

Ren releases my sweater, and pain nips at my heart, but I don't take back my words. He'll understand now. He has to.

He stands up, face going dark, and without warning, the echoing ache in my stomach expands, threatening to rip open my insides, and I gasp softly, crossing my arms to hide my shaking hands. The pain is gruelling, like there's a shard embedded in my gut that just keeps drilling deeper and deeper. Agonized, I glance up at Ren, because I can't remember the last time I felt his pain like this, to this magnitude.

He's not looking at me anymore. "Fuck you," he spits, words laced with venom, and then he dissappears from my sight, climbing up the stairs again, his steps slow and heavy.

I shift my attention back to my book, and tiredly run my fingers over the tear stained blotches of ink that now erase my writing in some places. I can't study with this anymore, I think, wiping at my cheeks, stomach throbbing continually because of Ren.

How did everything go so wrong?

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

Once the last of the tears escape, I gather myself up and stumble across the building, desperately searching for Rubi. My thoughts are all tangled up in my head, and I turn in random directions, eyes roaming wild, head pounding so hard that I'm physically unable to think. All I know in this moment is that I can't do this anymore, and Rubi is the only person who might be able to make it all go away.

I find her outside, refilling her bottle by a water stand, hair held back in a blue headband and skin flushed from the sun. I approach her slowly, heart wrung dry and mind numb from all the piercing feelings. She's so spaced out that when she finally notices me hovering to her side, she jumps. "A-Akito!" She laughs, a confused noise, and turns the tap off, screwing her water bottle closed. "Hey! It's...it's been a while, huh."

I nod.

"I've...actually been looking for you. I want to talk. Can we?"

I nod again, the powerful sunlight amplifying the throbbing in my head. "I need help," I manage, just as a whistle goes off in the distance, drowning my voice out. Rubi takes note of the disturbance and leads me back into the building. I follow her gratefully. She tugs me into an empty classroom and finally lets go, leaning against a desk and fiddling with her thumbs. "So...you've been kinda distant lately, you know? And, and Ren hasn't really been taking it well. To be honest, none of us have, and it's just...it's not very nice of you to ignore us like that."

I frown, attempting to comprehend her words around the pulsing in my ears.

"I understand that you need to prioritise your studies right now, but do you have to cut us off completely? Won't it be okay to hang out with us every now and then, just for some time? Or...or at least talk to us a little before you go straight home?" She gently touches my hand, her voice soft. "Don't be a stranger. You know we'd support you no matter what."

"N-No," I mumble, getting through the fog in my head. "I...I can't." She doesn't understand. "N-No one can tell what will happen in the future. No one. That's why I need to work hard now, while I still can. So that...when the time comes, I can be prepared." I won't be like my father. I'll...I'll stay in control. I won't ever let something I love slip through my fingers, the way my father did with Baa-san's life.

Rubi's eyes melt a little. "That's precisely why I'm afraid. Akito, we don't know what will happen tomorrow. Now is all we have."

I shake my head, dizzy from the heat. "I...I need your help."

Her face takes on a look of worry. "Yeah...of course. You know I'd do anything for you. What's wrong?"

"Sever it."

Rubi blinks. "Sorry? I don't...what?"

"The string," I answer breathlessly. "The string between Ren and me. Sever it." Understanding dawns on her face, and it's quickly replaced by a look of horror and dismay. "Please," I press desperately as her hand drops back to her side. "I've had enough. I can't do this anymore." Rubi shakes her head, slowly, like she's unable to believe what I'm asking for. "You promised," I whisper. "You promised, that if I tried to get along with him, and it didn't work out, then...then you'd try to end this. Rubi, please. Help me."

She's staring silently at the floor now, unblinking, and a single unprompted tear slides down her cheek. The sight of it sends me spiraling once again.

"What..." she starts, shaking, then trails off like her lungs have failed her. "What is wrong with all of you?" she finally breathes. "Why do you keep pushing your soulmates away? I don't understand. I just don't understand. Don't you want to be loved?" Another tear slips out, and then she lifts her gaze to meet mine, a fire coursing through her eyes. “If I had what you have with Ren — even for a moment — I’d sooner die than let it go." And then she pushes past me and out of the classroom with a weak excuse me.

I don't move.

Don't you want to be loved?

I gaze out the window, at the flying banners, competing athletes, and the cheering crowd that circles it all. If you've kept yourself from something all your life, can you remember if you ever wanted it at all?

END OF CHAPTER