I must be out of my mind.

Weekends are when I'm most productive with my work. And yet here I am again, before Ren's doorstep, on a Saturday. I could pull a number of excuses from my brain to justify my presence here if I wanted to, but ultimately, I know that I don't need to be here today.

I always make it a point to review the upcoming syllabus once before it's taken up in class. And not only have I put off doing that this time, but I'm also behind on an entire day's worth of school. It should be inexcusable, but...Ren. Ren. I don't trust him to take care of himself. And if something were to happen to him, I...

I don't know. I don't think I could take it.

I woke up with a weighted feeling of discomfort and exhaustion yesterday, and I immediately knew that something was wrong. I tried to ignore it and go about my day as usual, but when the restless heat coursing through my body showed no signs of subsiding, I knew, I just knew I had to go and make sure he was okay.

And seeing him like that—eyes heavy, hair pressed to his temples with sweat, unsteady on his feet as he followed me about—hurt me in a place deep inside my heart. A place I didn't realise existed.

It felt good to hold him close as he leaned his burning body against me. For a moment, it felt like he wasn't so far away, like I could actually watch over him, carry part of his pain. But then I walked into his bedroom, took in the mess of clothes and books on his floor, the agonised scribbling on his wall, and my heart crumbled. He was slipping through my fingers again, just like that.

I initially planned to return to school right away once he fell asleep, but after taking a single look at his red face, his wide eyes, and his heaving chest, I couldn't bring myself to leave him alone in that room again. So I took his temperature and got him to sleep, then prepared some rice porridge for when he woke up hungry. I placed a damp cloth over his head to cool his fever down a notch, staying by his side to replace it in case it dried up again—every procedure burned into my memory from the countless times I did it all for Baa-san.

I even got Rubi to bring Nee-san over because I thought seeing her might cheer him up a little. I've done everything I can already. So why am I here again?

One text message was all it took to bring me back to him. I'm going to go check on Ren; do you want to come along?, it said. No matter how you look at it, I had a choice.

No matter how you look at it, I made the wrong one. I shouldn't be here. I have work to do.

Ren...

Ren doesn't even like me.

"Hey," Rubi says tenderly, taking my hand in hers. The touch doesn't take me by surprise now. I've become so accustomed to these simple gestures, her presence by my side. She squeezes it. "I'm really glad you came. I promise we won't stay long." She rings the doorbell and smiles at me, and it shouldn't be possible, but I immediately feel better. I may have started to rely on that smile.

Rubi Amari is bad for me.

Once again, I'm left wondering if my father did things like this too—while away his Saturdays at a place he's not even needed, with a person who makes it feel like everything will turn out okay in the end no matter what. Maybe I'm making all the same mistakes he did, and I don't even realise it.

I sigh. I'm tired. And I'm here already. There's no point in thinking thoughts like this now. I have to study after going home, and I'm aware that I'm going to exhaust myself if I keep this up, so I close my eyes and breathe, focusing on the feeling of the warm press of Rubi's hand in mine. Slowly, I feel some of the pressure on my chest start to ease up. Rubi Amari is bad for me, but right now, this is working. Whatever works.

A second later, the door is answered by a woman clad in professional attire that suggests she'll be heading to work soon, her dark hair neatly pinned back to provide an unobstructed view of eyes like rock-solid coal. They dart to Rubi and then to me before dropping down to our linked hands. My breath catches in my throat. Ren's mother.

He looks like her. They have the same angled face and pale skin. The same sharp nose. But Ren's eyes are stormy, while hers are clear. If not for that and the missing crease on the smooth lines of her forehead, they would look almost identical.

"Yes? How may I help you?" she asks after studying us for a moment.

Rubi steps up, dropping my hand. "Good morning, ma'am! We're friends of Ren. Is he home?"

"Friends of...Ren," she repeats slowly.

Rubi nods. "Is he feeling any better? We've been worried."

"I..." The woman trails off, uncertain. "I'm not sure what you mean."

Rubi opens her mouth, then pauses, shooting me a confused glance. "He's...been sick, ma'am. You didn't know?"

"A-Ah," she says without meeting our eyes. "Of course."

She had no idea.

She may not be able to feel him like I do, but he's only upstairs, isn't he? He's been coughing so much, and she still had no idea.

"We...we came over to take care of him yesterday," Rubi explains reluctantly, concern shaping her face. "Could we maybe speak to him?"

Ren's mother regards us for a second, then nods. "A-Alright. Come in."

"Sorry for intruding," I mumble as we follow her into the living room. She stops below the stairway and crosses her arms to stare up at Ren's bedroom door, as if willing him to come out. When it doesn't work, she clears her throat. "Ren," she says loudly, her manner too unnatural and stiff for a mother who should be habituated to calling out to her son.

She gingerly repeats the action a couple more times before Ren emerges, tired and dishevelled. My heart clenches as he stops warily at the stairs to look down at his mother, the fear and uncertainty he's feeling laid bare on his face. But the clouds of confusion clear away once he takes in our presence beside her, as if being called out by her this way suddenly makes sense.

There's a tightness in my chest. I think I'm starting to understand why he hates it here.

He slowly descends the staircase and stops before us, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. We wait for his mother to leave us alone, but she remains there, watching us. Her face betrays nothing.

Ren decides to break the silence. "What are you—"

"How are you feeling?" Rubi cuts in, hurrying over to him. "Did your fever go down? Did you eat yet? We brought you some cough medicine, and—"

"Amari," he mutters, shifting uncomfortably and glancing at his mother. "I'm fine."

Rubi worriedly searches his face. "Are you sure—"

There's a drag in his step, but the redness is gone from his face. He really seems okay. Just tired. I release a breath.

"I'm sure," Ren mutters.

"Good." Our eyes land on Ren's mother in unison. She speaks again, looking steadily at us. "Ren has recovered, as you can see," she starts, with a note of finality in her voice that seems to say, let's wrap this up. "For watching over him when I was away yesterday, you have my utmost gratitude. You even came all this way again. We're terribly sorry for wasting your time."

Wasting your time. She looks fleetingly at Ren. "Ren, a-apologize to them for the trouble you caused."

The discomfort mirroring Ren's inside me compresses in on itself, giving rise to a feeling so strong, so heavy that it's close to real, physical pain. It spreads rapidly across my stomach and torso, and I'm almost knocked to my knees. But when I look at Ren's face, his clenched jaw, and his watery eyes, my heart aches. It's a quiet feeling, completely detached from the rest, and yet it hurts.

When he speaks, he looks directly at me. "I'm sorry for wasting your time."

What is this?

I've been sent out of class because of him before. I've missed school because of him. I can't stop worrying about him, even when I'm at home. I've lost sleep because of him. He's taken so much away from me. And yet, I...

I don't want to hear this.

I don't know why, but I don't want to hear this.

"It wasn't a waste of time," Rubi perks up, and looking past the stinging in my eyes, I turn my gaze on her. "We had a lot of fun together! I'm really glad I got to take care of him." She sounds so sure of herself, so sincere. She turns to Ren, grinning. "You have nothing to apologise for, right, Akito?"

"Y-Yeah," I scramble to say, as I slowly feel his pain start to dissipate. He's watching her, perplexed, like he's not sure what to make of her anymore. Ah. "I-It was really no problem," I add, and Ren turns his face on me, a soft sheen flickering across his eyes as they widen a little. The last of the heaviness in my chest melts away, and I feel myself relax. Despite everything, I don't want to see him in pain.

"I-I see." In a smooth motion, Ren's mother pushes up her sleeve to glance at her watch. "Ren, it's getting late; your father will be down soon. Show your friends to the door, please. It seems like they have gotten what they came for." She lifts her head, smile strictly professional. "It was nice meeting you."

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

"You look just like your mom!" Rubi exclaims once Ren leads us back outside.

Ren frowns, leaning against the door frame, the tension gone from his body. "So? Nothing I can do 'bout that."

"No no, that's not what I—it was just an observation. Anyway, you're really feeling okay?"

"That's what I've been saying, haven't I?" he grumbles, crossing his arms and staring down at the grass. "You can fuck off now." I can tell he's confused about why we're here. I don't completely understand either.

"Wait, there's something we wanna discuss with you first," she says, unfazed by Ren's words.

"What," he asks flatly.

She looks at me for the go-ahead, and when I nod, she continues. "Akito is going to bring you your lunches from tomorrow onwards. You have to pay him for the ingredients, though, so whatever you're using to buy what you eat, hand it over to him from now on."

Ren looks incredulous. "Huh? I never asked—"

Rubi doesn't let him speak. "The stuff you get from the vending machines can hardly be called food. If you keep throwing trash in your body like that, you're going to get sick again." She reaches for his hand and gently squeezes it, just like she did for me. "It could get worse. You don't want that, do you?"

He pulls his hand away. "Of course not," he mumbles. "But none of that is any of your damn business. I'll...I'll figure something out on my own. So just...fuck off now, okay? You don't have to feel bad for me."

"Wait, I'm not done." Rubi glances at me with an apologetic smile, and I suddenly feel very uneasy. "In exchange, you're going to have to help Akito with his math. He's really been struggling with it. What do you say? This way, you both get something out of this arrangement."

I agreed to prepare Ren's lunches for him, even though it means I'll have to wake up at least fifteen minutes earlier than I usually do, because if I can take some of his worrying away from him and some of his weight off my chest, I will. But we never discussed this. I absolutely cannot study with Ren. He's impatient and loud, and his presence is almost overwhelming. He'll push the numbers right out of my mind.

I start to protest, just as Rubi's phone lights up in her pocket. She takes it out. "Just think about it, okay?" She steps aside to answer the call.

Ren looks me over, eyes thoughtful, and I fight the heat rising in my cheeks. He's seriously considering this.

"Why do you always wear that? It's so damn ugly." It takes me a second to realise that he's talking about my blue sweater.

"Um—"

"Do you even wash that thing? You wear it all the fucking time."

"Y-Yeah, I have another one of the same kind and I alternate between the two," I explain, feeling stupid.

Ren's lips perk upward, and my heart inexplicably leaps in my chest. "That's so weird, idiot."

"S-So," I start, attempting to change the subject. "What do you say? Can I...can I cook for you?"

He looks at my face for a second, then turns away, his fingers going up to tug at his ear. "Fine." Good. I'm going to have to properly sort things out with Rubi later, but she would be disappointed if he said no.

"Then...could you tell me what you like to eat?" I ask. "If you have any preferences, I can keep them in mind while p-preparing lunch for you."

He tilts his head upward and mulls this over. "I like hamburgers, meat, and eggs. Don't like veggies, like green peppers. But it's fine if you cut 'em up small." Oh. Just like a little kid.

"Okay." Warmth pools in my chest, but I dismiss it as just another echo of Ren's confusing emotions.

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

"Morning," Ren says to me as I approach my seat early on Monday.

"Good morning," I reply promptly.

I've eased into my chair and opened my textbook when I suddenly feel Ren's eyes on me. Unsure of what to think, I glance to the side only to see his hand abruptly closing in. He brushes the hair out of my face, and I almost jump when he presses his palm flat against my forehead. There's a rapidly tightening pressure in my chest that I don't try to label.

The memory of the time Ren took my face in his hands at his house last week burns in my mind. He hadn't been in the right state of mind then. Perhaps he's feeling unwell again—

"W-What..." I stammer when he pulls away to cross his arms, but the right words don't come to me.

"Just making sure you didn't catch my fever," he mumbles.

"O-Oh." This isn't good. I'm going to misunderstand. "Did you...did you check on Rubi too? She was with us the other day."

He smirks. "Nah, she said it herself. Idiots don't catch colds."

I feel a sharp tug at the corners of my lips at that. When Rubi said she had fun taking care of Ren...maybe this is what she was talking about.

END OF CHAPTER