Chapter Five

        Daylight had long since been blocked from streaming through the windows of their home - as had Ryker's cries. It had taken so long for him to quiet down and the dark seemed to help him with that, so all the curtains were drawn in every room the two were likely to go into. Joshua refused to let go off him even after he had quieted, his heart continuing to ache for his love as he suffered in those moments more than he had ever seen. Only an hour had passed since Joshua managed to pry himself away from Ryker, moving him to the living room where he immediately curled up on the sofa. He was left alone for a few moments while Joshua made some tea to calm the two, the light rain outside working to his advantage.

        Joshua cuddled up against his boyfriend, his head leaning against his chest as he bought the blanket around himself. Neither of them spoke for a few minutes but the silence was something they both appreciated; Joshua not being able to forget Ryker's desperate cries and Ryker unsuccessfully willing the memories away. They both needed a few minutes.

        Once they had both finished their tea, the silence seemed to settle around them, the air heavy with unspoken words. Ryker didn't want to speak and Joshua didn't know what to say – they had never been in a situation like this before.

        'Do you need anything?' Joshua finally settled on, his voice appearing too loud for the quiet space despite how softly he spoke.

        He just received a shake of the head in response.

        'Do you want to watch a movie?' he asked, wanting to get Ryker's mind away from his thoughts and distract him for a few hours. He needed a break.

        Ryker shook his head again.

        'Maybe we coul-'

        'I have a job to do,' Ryker stated, rising from the couch with the blanket secured around his shoulders. His voice appeared dead and emotionless, something Joshua had never heard from him before - or at least ever directed towards him. His blood turned to ice as soon as he heard it.

        'Can't someone else do it? You shoul-'

        'I have to do it,' he replied as he started for the stairs, his tone uninterested and seemingly done with the conversation.

        'Ryker, this isn't a good idea,' Joshua voiced his concerns, his speech growing more frantic the more he spoke. He was right behind his boyfriend as he left the room, almost falling from how fast the taller man had turned towards him at his words.

        'I'll be fine,' Ryker reassured the smaller boy, his hand coming up to gently stroke his cheek. It managed to calm him down a little and Ryker's voice warmed slightly. 'It'll only be a few hours, then I'll come home and we- we'll talk, okay?'

        Joshua's eyes flew up at his words, taking in his boyfriend's nervous expression over what he had just said. He couldn't believe he was hearing the words himself; he expected Ryker to act like the last few hours had never happened. But no, he was going to get answers instead. The thought caused a small smile to slowly make its way across his face.

        'Okay,' he agreed in a whisper, his mind not quite being able to process all that had happened in so little time. 'Don't die,' he repeated the words he always said, causing a soft tilt to tug his boyfriends' lips. There was nothing left to say as Ryker disappeared upstairs after placing a soft kiss to his boyfriends' forehead in response, both of them staying silent until he was about to leave.

        After a year, Joshua was finally going to get some answers.

-

        The jobs Ryker had to take care of were left to the leader of the gang for a reason. They were the most dangerous in terms of faces being recognised, pictures being taken, and Ryker couldn't risk his members getting into any sort of trouble as serious as that. They already risked their life on a daily basis in order to keep the gang together so this was something he always took care of himself.

        He wasn't due to start for another hour and a half, though; he just used that as an excuse to get out of the house for a little while. He knew Joshua wouldn't leave him alone in fear of something happening again but he desperately needed the space to gather his thoughts. He had just agreed to tell the only person he has ever really loved the reason for his actions and the smile he received because of that had told him he had made the right decision, but that didn't make it any easier. He was still the most nervous he had ever been.

        Ryker had always made sure there was no reason for Joshua to ever question his actions. Despite never being intimate with him, nothing else that he did or said gave away that there may be something wrong. It simply came across as him having no desire to engage in anything sexual and Joshua had never really questioned him about it even though he never stopped trying. It was as if it was an unspoken battle between the two and Joshua had certainly won without even giving it much effort. He would be the first Ryker ever told.

        The thought alone was scary.

        After walking for a while, Ryker reached his destination, scaling the building quickly before climbing the ladder leading to the roof of the factory he tended to spend a lot of time on these days. He had only found it recently, and it always managed to calm him down before a job. It got him into the right frame of mind and just allowed him to forget everything else.

        And that was exactly what he did – he sat there and allowed his mind to forget his upcoming confession.