FLASHBACK

"I'm tired of your excuses Valentine," I growl impatiently, my hands clenched, and my shoulders slightly hunched as my eyes narrow down at a calm looking Valentine looking at me from his desk. We are alone in his office, his eyes seem to darken, and I see him resist rolling his eyes. 

"I have only given you one reason, Poppy," I glare at the use of my name.

"Valentine, my name is not Poppy; it is Sin!" I yell harshly at Valentine, though I know it is useless, Valentine refused to call me Sin.

 He rolls his eyes at my words this time. 

"Poppy, I have many enemies, if they knew you meant something to me, they would use you to break me, I can not let them get to you, to them you are my assassin," Valentine states firmly, "but you know you are more than that," Valentine's soft voice caresses my ears. I immediately want to melt at his touch but shake that off. 

"No, I can take care of myself, you just like having whores," I spit, crossing my arms as Valentine's dark eyebrows raise. 

"Not everyone lets people find salvation in their skin Poppy," Valentine states wisely, and I look at him in slight confusion. "I don't let anyone in my bed but you, and you know that," Valentine looks at me with a knowing expression. 

Valentine and I had been together for a while, but no one knew, it was a secret thing, and it was fun at first, but now it felt exhausted; I had been ready for people to know about us. Valentine says he didn't want someone to come after me; being with him was dangerous. Yet he and I both know I can take care of myself. I'm his assassin for crying out loud.

"You are ridiculous, controlling, and an asshole," I harshly spit as if insulting him would force him to give me what I want.

"And you are aggressively toxic with abandonment issues." 

My eyes widen in shock and hurt at his words. "Goddess, I hate you, Valentine!" I scream while stomping my foot like a child. Valentine smirks as he tilts his head slightly. His eyes are gleaming playfully at my words. He crosses his arms as if to challenge my words.

"You can't hate me when we both know you love me."

"Don't underestimate me," I snarkily say, causing Valentine to smile. 

"I would never."

For a moment, our eyes stay locked as we drown in each other's gaze. I wanted to have everything with Valentine; We could run away. 

"Then let's go, let's run away from here, we can go to the human kingdom and pass as humans and start a life together. You and me," I say and want to cringe at the desperation in my words. Valentine's eyes widen as his jaw drops in shock, his eyes swimming for the answer, searching for the gentlest way to drown me, trying to find the most painless way to stab me in the heart. I bite my lip, knowing what he will say.

"Poppy, you know I can't," Valentine's voice cracks slightly, but I quickly convince myself I imagined the sound.  I immediately tell myself he is just saying that no one is holding him here; he could leave if he wanted. He doesn't wish to; he doesn't love me as I love him. 

No one ever loves me the way that I love them. 

No one.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 I clench my jaw as I narrow my eyes at Valentine. He returns my heated gaze with one of his own. He stands quickly but doesn't move from behind his desk. "Don't start this Poppy, everything is fine. It's as good as it's going to get, I can not risk your safety for your toxic habits," Valentine growls, and I growl back louder. 

"No, it's just fine for you because you don't have to commit, you have commitment issues, and you know it," I growl out, causing Valentine to roll his eyes at me, and he takes a step towards me, I immediately take one back. He makes a face at my movement. 

"Come on Poppy, I never even look at other women, I only look at you, I only adore and love you," Valentine softly states as he reaches for my arm. I jerk back; he lets his hand fall back to his side.

I am stupid, and I am toxic. I know Valentine is right; I know I am wrong. Sadly poisonous people don't admit their wrongdoings, and when you've lost yourself as much as I have, you quickly start burying relationships before they can ever reach their peak. I could sit here and tell you these habits are not my fault; they are not my doing they are not the result of my shitty mate and shitty rogue life; But even I know a shitty upbringing does not excuse being a shitty person. 

I'm toxic enough to keep going because the adrenaline from these arguments is the only thing that ever makes me feel close to being alive. The only thing that ever makes me feel like I still have a beating heart. 

The only way I knew how to cope with not having my wolf. 

It had only been eight months since I had died. Valentine is the only reason I had taken a break on hunting the bitch that killed me. 

Valentine was wary at first of letting me stay here, he knew I was a drug addict, and alcoholic years ago, he wasn't too keen on letting me come back to the place where those demons were born. We made a deal, no drugs, even though they could no longer kill me, and a limited supply of alcohol. 

"Poppy, I'm getting you a counselor."

Now he thinks I'm crazy and need a shrink. 

"Really, Valentine? So what I'm a basket case now?"

"That is not what I am saying Poppy, and you know it, you are twisting everything I say. I love you."

"Really, do you? Because you can't do the one thing, I am asking you!" I scream at him at the top of my lungs." I just want you, Valentine, I want all of you, I want the "you" behind closed doors and I want the "you" that is out there," I yell pointing to the door, tears dance at my waterline causing Valentine to soften his gaze and posture. 

"I am giving every part of me to you as I possibly can, but I have to keep you safe, Poppy, please why can't you understand that," Valentine begs me, pleading me with his own watery eyes. 

Though I did, I did understand his reasoning, but toxic people don't admit to that, they never admit defeat, they either got their way or screamed louder until they did. I can't tell you why I do this to a man who loves me, maybe I was scared, perhaps I had become addicted to rejection; addicted to drowning in shallow water. 

The question of how long do I beg for him to help me before pretending to drown. 

"Me or the status," I finally tauntingly whisper as I shake my fingers slightly, waiting for his answer. 

His face drops more so as he looks at me in disbelief. "You mean, keeping you safe, or putting you in danger," Valentine ask in a shaky voice. He takes a step to me, I look up as he looks slightly down, his nose close to my forehead now. 

"No, either you tell the world about me, or I walk out that door, and you never see me again," I croak out as Valentine strokes my cheek longingly with the back of his fingers and hand. As if he was trying to burn the image of me into his brain forever.

 He then grabs my chin with his fingers and brings my lips to his. It is the softest kiss we had ever shared. He is showing me how gentle the rogue king could be to someone he loved, to someone he never wanted to lose truly. Our lips slowly move together as we both cherish the kiss, a kiss of defeat. 

He breaks the kiss and looks deep into my eyes and whispers. "I choose to keep you safe." 

I look into his eyes for a moment, as if it takes me a second to register his words. I take a step back from Valentine, and he drops his hand in defeat, I turn on my heels and leave his office without uttering a word. 

Another relationship buried by yours truly. 

***************

Hi guys! 

I know its been a moment but it was not on purpose, I'm sorta poor so I don't have legit wifi and just use the hotspot on my phone for my computer. I accidentally watched a little bit too much Netflix and burned right through it, oops.  

so i had to wait for my data to renew. 

though it wasn't to bad, I was kinda burned out on writing and it was a nice break, literally didn't think about this story at all, until a couple of days ago, so I'm good as new and bursting with writing ideas. 

of course this will not happen frequently I will definitely go back to updating as much as possible. 

any way, thoughts? I feel this chapter really gives you an insight of Valentines and Poppys history. 

Baby updte:

so far everything is good, I'm still pretty nauseous and ugh feeling. 

but we are doing a blood test soon to find out the gender and make sure the baby doesn't have any genetic issues. SO with that in mind anyone have a guess on what im having? 

my family thinks its a boy. 

I have terrible acne and nausea, i can't have sweets, i can't even stand the smell of anything sweet. and that seems to be the only symptoms I have. 

so comment what you are thinking I'm having I would love to hear your opinions!!