Another proof that I’m a total noob regarding human interaction is that when I decide to read some psychology theories, I don’t know where to begin. There are so many and I’m not sure what would help me to understand Zeke better. I practically consider him my object of study but I know so little about him that it’s hard to decide what should be my first step. Is he an introvert guy? Outgoing? Does he have a difficult past? Is he just pretending? There’s always a reason for certain behaviour, I just don’t know exactly what his behaviour is.

I regret now that all my subjects are science related —except for English Literature. I should’ve also picked Psychology, it’s a popular one, I just didn’t think at that moment that it would be necessary for what I want to major in.

I wonder what would happen if I approach Zeke and start questioning him. He doesn’t scare me that much now, because of what happened the other day, but I still think he’s kind of difficult to approach. In addition, I am not very experienced in the art of social intercourse so I assume I would just blow everything up and he would ignore me or just get mad at me. It’s not that I’m shy, it’s just that I’m too conscious, I guess.

Could it be possible that being too aware of something is a drawback? It could be. It’s known that ignorance is bliss, and although I never agreed on that, I start to see it from a new angle. Ignorance gives you freedom to do certain things, things that you wouldn’t normally do if you actually knew what they were about. Like talking to someone when you know what’s a stake.

In this kind of situation I wonder what I should do. Maybe the best way is—

“Ouch!” I exclaim taking a few step back to regain my balance after colliding with something… I mean, someone.

“Allie, are you all right?” Sam asks, her concerned expression clear for me.

“Yes, I am. Sorry for that, I was distracted,” I excuse myself with a small, embarrassed smile.

“I noticed,” my friend adds. “I was calling your name but you didn’t listen or look up. What’s going on? What’s on your mind this time?”

I am very ashamed to answer this because since that incident with Zeke he seems to be all what I have in my mind. I mean, he’s like the topic I always come back. I have many other worries like my studies, new papers that are published, my parents still worrying over my new attitude, so on and so forth; but somehow I always come back to Zeke, to this puzzle he presents for me. And I don’t need to be an expert at socialising to know that’s not normal.

“I uh… I was um…” I babble and Sam folds her arms over her chest.

“Were you thinking of Zeke?” I don’t answer verbally, I only look away and something tells me I’m blushing but I can’t tell. I’ve never been the kind who blushes but I have the impression that this warm feeling inside of me can be physically expressed through blushing. “Allie, you know you were lucky there? Zeke is not the kind who makes friends and you’ve seen yourself he’s not nice either. He has a reputation and I really think you should keep your distance.”

I know Sam is worried about me. I mean, who wouldn’t? If she were showing that much interest in a troublemaker such as Zeke I would be worried too that she would get dragged into a bad environment. But it’s hard to explain that Zeke is not just your typical troublemaker.

“I know and I’m not talking to him… he talked to me first and only that day,” I remind her because after our little encounter I haven’t even seen him. “Plus, it hasn’t been a week yet, remember? I’ll drop this matter on Monday if I don’t come to a conclusion.”

Sam releases a loud sigh. “I swear, you seem obsessed with him. Anyone would think you’re crushing on him.”

If I thought I was blushing before I’m pretty sure I am blushing now. I feel hot, like I’m suffocating and my face is burning. I feel this urgent desire to hide from everyone’s sight and never come out again. My heart is beating fast, pumping blood to all my body but I believe all this blood is just coming to my cheeks instead.

“That-that-that’s absurd! I’m just… just curious,” I babble and Sam raises her eyebrows in a very challenging expression.

“Is Allie Brown blushing?” she says and I feel my cheeks even hotter. I want to splash very cold water on my face. I don’t know where to hide and when Sam starts laughing I just want to dig my own grave. “I can’t believe it. Allie, relax, I was just joking. I know you don’t fancy him. You probably only see him as an object of study or something like that. You see life with the eyes of a scientist.”

I look at her with eyes wide open in surprise that she knows exactly how I see the world. I’m impressed that she noticed, considering she doesn’t share the same view.

“I told you, I pay attention,” she adds with a wink, almost reading my mind. “Anyways, let’s leave this behind because I don’t torment people, but just for the record, you look cute all flustered.” Sam giggles before the steps closer and then stands next to me, looping her arm around mine. “Just promise me you’ll be careful. I don’t want you suddenly being dragged to a dark alley to just find your body five days later. By the way, if that happens you want to be cremated or a normal burial?”

“To be honest I want my body to be donated to science,” I reply with a smile, happy for the change of topic. Sort of.

“So practical, so practical! Don’t you want a special funeral or something? I want something joyful. Funerals are always so gloomy it gives me the creeps.”

“I’ve never been to one but if I die first, I want you to sing for my funeral,” I say with a big smile.

“Ah, so not even dead you’ll stop insisting on me singing for you, uh? I see, I see.” We laugh together as we start walking to our classrooms for our first classes today.

Before I had that weird dream I never really thought of death and what means to die. I mean, it was in my mind somewhere, but it was never important as to give it my time. I never really thought of what people would do with my body or what would happen later. The reason why that dream scared me so much was because I felt empty, because I felt no one would care if I died. But today… today I feel Sam would care, she would go to my funeral, even if my body is donated to science later. She cares about me, I think she would also care if I die, right?

The rest of the days goes by in a blurry, with my mind busy thinking of death and changes, because even if it’s been almost two weeks since I had that dream, many things have already changed. I have a friend, I even have a promise for when I die, even if it was made whilst joking. Maybe I’ll die tomorrow, maybe I’ll die in forty years, I really don’t know, but I believe someone will remember me this time and that is already a huge improvement.

Something that science has taught me is that nothing can be accomplished without a small first step. You can’t change the world without some minor accomplishments first. The cure for an illness is first tasted on a trial subject. The hope for something is first seen under the microscope. It’s so small your eye can’t see it, but it’s there. It’s first in one individual then in two, three, four. It always starts with something small. You can’t do big without doing small first.

And as I’ve been so into my thoughts the whole day I don’t even notice how I make it to the English Literature class. Only then I remember that today I have that class, which means, today I should see Zeke, unless he didn’t come to college.

I immediately look around, seeking him but he’s nowhere to be found. I feel a weight on my shoulders as I sit on my normal spot and wait for the class to begin. I see my other classmates moving their chairs and desks and then I remember what Mr Gayle ordered the previous class. The fact that I kind of forgot about it makes me realise that changing is not easy unless you’re constantly thinking about it.

Once I read that a habit can be created in seven days, but those seven days need to be consecutive otherwise it’ll take longer. If you’re not every day remembering what you’re trying to accomplish it’ll be easier to forget about it. As I’m constantly thinking of socialising and changing my attitude I got used to it. It’s like I got in the train and now I just normally go on. But this change for the class is something that it’s not constant in my mind so it was easy to forget.

“Good afternoon, class. It’s good to see you’re ready for today’s session. I hope you all also did the reading for today,” Mr Gayle’s voice breaks through my thoughts and only then I realise class has started and everyone is present.

Everyone.

Mr Gayle keeps talking but my eyes are now on Zeke, who’s once again at the farthest part of the group, focused on his notebook although it doesn’t seem like he’s taking notes. I didn’t notice when he walked in.

Suddenly and without a warning, he looks up and our eyes meet for the first time since Monday when he faced me by the lockers. My heart skips a beat before racing in my ribcage because, once again, I’ve been caught staring, but this time Zeke doesn’t glare at me. His gaze doesn’t scare me or threatens me, on the contrary, his gaze is captivating, magnetising. I see curiosity and a puzzled frown.

I don’t break eye contact even if I’m still nervous. I don’t hide although a part of me still tells me I should do it, he’s a predator and I’m in some sort of danger. And he keeps staring back, frozen on his spot.

It’s weird, this is the first time I don’t feel this paralysing fear when our eyes meet. I don’t feel cold at all, I don’t feel like running away. I just want to get closer, to see better so maybe I can finally figure him out.

“Allison? Allison!” I hear and I shake my head to wake up. I turn towards the direction of the voice and I find Mr Gayle staring at me with a reproachful look. “Please, pay attention to the class unless you want to lose credits.”

“I’m s-sorry,” I apologise looking down, feeling that heat in my cheeks that I’ve started to recognise as blushing.

“I asked you a question, can you answer it?”

I feel so embarrassed because this has never happened to me before, my stomach hurts because I didn’t even hear the question. “C-could you repeat it, please?” I ask in a whisper and I can hear my classmates snickering and Mr Gayle sighing.

“What do you think the snail symbolises?” Mr Gayle asks and I think of it. We’re dealing with short stories and for today we had to read Virginia Woolf’s The Mark on The Wall.

“Uh… more than symbolising something, I think it’s uh… a link to reality, a way to break the stream of consciousness,” I reply in a small voice, still avoiding his judgmental eyes.

“That’s good, Allison. I’m glad you still can participate even if you’re not paying attention,” Mr Gayle comments and I slide down a bit more on my chair, my cheeks burning.

He carries on with the class but I still feel ashamed and without even noticing I look at Zeke again just to find him looking at me, this time a small, almost imperceptible smile on his lips.

I feel even more embarrassed and I refuse to look at anyone else during the class. I’ve humiliated myself enough for today.

-:-:-

Accomplished goal, henceforth: extra update! Well done, I hope you liked this chapter. The next one is ahjgshafsa I love it. And all what it comes next hehehe

Dedication to @VaruniHoranXD

Bel, xx