Raphael turned over on his bed failing to find a comfortable position to sleep. He was too miserable to sleep anyway. His lips trembled at the memory and he pressed them tightly together and buried his face in his pillow. He and Casey had broken up.

It was Casey's fault. He kept pushing him to do stuff when he wasn't ready and Raph had been constantly running away from his advances and turning everything into a fight. Okay, so maybe that part was his own fault but he just couldn't do it.

It wasn't that he didn't want Casey, he really did. Casey was fun and cool, and he made Raph feel like he was the greatest thing on earth sometimes. Everything was just so intense with him and moving too fast. One minute they were kissing and the next they were all over each other pulling off clothes, touching, rubbing, licking, biting... The fact that he was hiding their relationship from his family didn't help either. He had tried to explain why to Casey and at times he seemed to understand, other times he just got angry about having to sneak around and lying to the others. He wasn't ready to tell everyone yet though.

"What are you ready for, then?"

"What? You know we can't tell them. I told you what I heard master Splinter tell Donnie and Leo." He overheard 'The Talk' Master Splinter had with them about how it wasn't time for relationships and they should not put romance before family. He sounded angry when they tried to argue in their defence. He could only imagine what he would say about him being in a relationship AND him being gay. Master Splinter was so traditional...

If Casey came out to his family and they rejected him he could possibly move in with a friend, April or into the lair but if Raph's family rejected him he'd have no one left. Maybe the Mutanimals would have him but maybe they'd be disgusted by him too, they weren't exactly the best of friends. Slash was the exception but even their relationship wasn't too close either.

"Fine, so we can't tell them but they're going to find out at some point and it's better if it's from us being honest with them than if they catch us in a lie. They're going to catch us, I think Leo is already on to something, he looks at me funny."

"Leo is just being Leo. He's just annoyed because I've skipped curfew a few times to hang out with you. Probably thinks you're a bad influence." Casey had his arms crossed and his back turned but he couldn't hold back a snorted chuckle at that. "Now is just not the time."

Casey's shoulders sagged and he turned to Raph looking very serious. "Will it ever be though?" he hesitated, "Look I just feel that I'm chasing you just to get a kiss. You push me away all the time and I'm tired of feeling like a creepy stalker, like I have to force you to make out with me. Do you even want me that way? Is it just me that wants us to do stuff? If you're not ready maybe we shouldn't... be together." His voice tapered off at the end.

This was a really touchy subject with Raph. They stayed well away of it because it always made Raph become angry and defensive. It usually ended up in a fight with one of them leaving and awkwardness until someone started talking again. They would then continue with their relationship and pretend nothing happened to begin the cycle again some time after.

"You want to break up because we haven't fucked?" Raphael yelled back at him. "What the fuck! Don't tell me I never want to do anything, we've done plenty of stuff."

"Yeah? Like what? I have to practically wrestle with you for anything more than a peck. You squirm away from me every time I try to touch you and when you don't you run away a while after." Casey's tone was on level with his own at this point. "If you find me so disgusting then maybe breaking up isn't such a bad idea."

"Yeah? Well, fuck that!" He roared in his face. He went from angry and embarrassed at what Casey was saying to full blown rage. The impulse to swing a punch in his direction was overwhelming. "And fuck you, I'm not gonna just roll over, spread my legs and take this shit from you. I'm done."

With that he was through the window and jumping down to the fire escape, ignoring Casey telling him to 'get the fuck back in here and face him'. The reality of what had just happened didn't sink in until after he arrived at the lair, yelled at Leo to 'shut up' when he asked him what was wrong and slammed the door to his room shut.

Casey didn't call later or the day after like he usually did after one of their regular fights. Probably because it wasn't a regular fight. The worst part was that he couldn't even be sad about it in public or talk to anyone. For all his family knew he had just had an argument with a friend. He went through the movements of daily life as usual trying to pretend he was fine.

Maybe he was more quiet and reserved but the weight in his chest that didn't let him breathe sometimes wouldn't allow for anything more. Even practice didn't lift his spirits. Specially not when Donnie took him down during sparring a couple days later. Raphael scowled at the worried looks he got from the others and... was that pity? Master Splinter lectured him on his focus and he couldn't get away fast enough after they were dismissed.

That night when they ordered pizzas he realised they had ordered them all with his favourite toppings: pepperoni and chocolate. He tried smiling and eating them gratefully but they tasted of nothing to him. He managed a couple slices before the urge to break down was too much so he left to his room saying he was tired.

He lifted his face from his pillow and moved away from the wet patch he had left there. He should have never started dating Casey. Now he'd lost his only friend on top of his relationship blowing up in his face. It had been the best thing that had ever happened to him, he had never felt so happy before and he had stomped all over it. He should have known this would happen, he was good at ruining things. He wasn't good at being nice or complacent or dealing with... feelings.

His room was quiet except for his stupid snivelling and he tried to silence it against his pillow again. The walls weren't sound proof and noise carried easily from one room to the next and Leo would hear him. He moved enough so he could peek out with an eye as he reached for his phone. He knew there would be no messages but he had to look anyway. He thumbed the screen to confirm it and tossed it away as he started with the waterworks again.

'Stop acting like a baby!' He told himself. He squeezed his eyes shut, purging the tears and tried to take a deep calming breath but as he opened his mouth a broken sob came out and he snapped it shut trying to keep the rest at bay. Biting his lip he could do nothing but turn his sobs into pitiful whines and short intakes of air.

The door to his room burst open and he stared at Leo for a moment before turning his shell to him, and covering his face with his hands, "G-go a-away! L-leave me a-alone!" He yelled trying to sound angry but in between his hiccups it just sounded pathetic.

Leo was on him a moment after, pulling on the edges of his carapace until he was on his back and then hugging Raph furiously. "Raph, you don't have to go through with whatever is happening alone. We're here for you." Leo's voice was shaking and his hands were curled around Raph's trying to pull them away from his face and replacing them with his own. Raph buried his face into his brother's neck and sobbed, not holding back. He clung to him as if he'd disappear if he didn't.

The bed dipped after Mikey and Donnie rushed to the room and piled onto the hug, petting Raph's shaky arms and embracing each other like when they were children and all shared a bed.

A while later Raph had calmed down but they all stayed squeezed together on his small bed, arms and legs entangled, followed by the occasional nudge and 'Hey that's my foot you're crushing.'

"You love him, don't you?" Mikey said quietly and the other two turned their heads in surprise to watch Raph as he looked away. "It's okay if you do, we won't tell Splinter." Mikey gave Leo a pointed look and he nodded in return waiting for Raph's reply.

It was hard to hide from them from under the turtle pile. "Yeah," he said with a shrug and Mikey's arms tightened around him.

"Were you two... together?" Leo asked next when Raphael wouldn't speak further. The corners of his brother's mouth were trembling and he shrugged again while nodding as a tear slid over his snout onto his brother's arm he was using as a pillow. "Did he... hurt you?" Leonardo's eyes got that intense look he'd seen sometimes when he unsheathed his katanas right before a fight.

"We broke up." Raphael managed to croak.

"What happened?" Donnie asked from behind Mikey's shell as he propped himself up on his elbow. He reached over Mikey who was wrapped around Raphael with his arms and legs like an affectionate octopus, to wipe another stray tear and hug him a little more, squeezing Mikey as well in the process.

Once Raphael started speaking he told them everything: how it started, how it ended, and even the embarrassing bits in the middle. He even managed to laugh with his brother's at Leo's flustered face when they had to explain to him what 'petting' was and his resulting embarrassed sputtering.

He watched his brothers sleeping curled up together. He was still feeling sad but without the terrible weight he had carried in his chest the past few days. He realised what a fool he was to think his brothers would ever turn him away for something like loving someone and how lucky he was to have them. He nuzzled into someone's warm shoulder and though he wasn't in the most comfortable of positions, fell asleep.