Yesterday was my friend's eighteenth birthday and it has just put things into perspective for me. I'm turning eighteen in a few months and then I'll go to university and have to adult.

That's fucking scary but also exciting. I'm excited to move out even though I'm 96% certain I'll have a few freak outs (I know how I am with new situations and it isn't good... at all) but I'm excited. I'm going to make new friends, study a subject I really enjoy and then be well on my way to achieving my life goal: improving some people's lives. It's a bit of a big goal but I want to help people. That's all I want (actually there are a few things I want but this one's the most important).

My friend was talking about getting a tattoo which is also terrifying because I'll be allowed to do that in a few months without telling my parents! I can already learn to drive if I want! I sort of want a tattoo but the permanence worries me. And my parents hate them so they'd literally hate me if I went behind their backs and got one. I have an idea in mind too but I probably won't get it. I'm too wimpy anyway. (Solution: draw it on every day. I'm joking.)

I was thinking about school earlier. Last year was miserable from the start but it got worse at the end of the year when stress kicked in more and just made me tired alllll the time. I'm still tired all the time but I'm a tad bit more motivated. Maybe I don't like two out of three of my subjects and my psychology teacher is really nice but really boooooring but I'm doing homework as best as I can and I've even started revising one subject already! That's a miracle! I have high expectations of myself for my grades so I need to work as hard as I possibly can.

Sure, I'm lonely and don't really have friends. Sure, I don't like my subjects all that much. Sure, I'm tired all the time. But I'm getting better. I'm trying to get good amounts of sleep (sort of). I'm trying to get the work done as well as I can rather than just barely bothering. I'm trying to to do all my work at school so I can have time to myself when I'm at home. I feel a little better. Not happy. Better. A little bit.

My internet friends never fail to make me smile. YouTubers never fail to make me smile. Wattpad never fails to make me smile. I know who and what I can turn to when I feel like absolute shit.

I can do this. You can do this. I may not be depressed or anything like that but it's hard and I know I can survive. Suffering with depression may be a bit of a bigger obstacle than what I'm going through but I know you can do it too. Find things that make you smile in the worst of times and do them. Watch those YouTube videos, read those books, lay in bed for a few extra hours, meet up with those friends, go for that walk, do whatever you need to do. There's no shame in prioritising yourself every so often.

What makes me happy is YouTube (obviously) but I've found walking helps. Just going outside for a bit and putting in my headphones. It doesn't matter if I get lost because I'm in my own world and can find my way back eventually. It's nice. If you can't find anything that helps you, try walking.

I like these days. The ones where I can think about where I've come and dwell on things that are a bit more positive. They're so much better than the days where I don't want to get out of bed and can't help but think about shit like disappearing and my purpose. All I can say is the world isn't that bad, even if it seems like it is.

Feelings fucked me up a little these last few days because of some... things that I'd rather not talk about (nothing bad just confusing and making me debate things) but it's okay. It always ends up okay.

Remember that.