Ugh, I'm sorry. I haven't been updating regularly, talking regularly, even taking care of myself. I'm on a bit of an 'emotional rollercoaster', if that can be applied. And nobody who I want to notice had noticed, namely people IRL, people who could actually help. No offense, but there isn't a lot that virtual hugs and words of wisdom from someone looking at a screen like I am- can do. It's just difficult to feel the love lately. I know that you guys care and I'm so so thankful for that, but it's almost as if you aren't real. It's like having a couple more voices on the good side, ones that never take control, just sit in the back of my head offering advice and making me smile. Some of you I can put faces to, even voices, but it doesn't seem to be enough... I want a real hug, to actually be in an embrace with someone real who cares about me the way you guys do. Alas, here I'm not judged for my looks and there I am. The real world sees every mistake, every flaw I have, and turn that into my only character view, in their imagination. Granted, I'm a stuck-up, depressing cloud of ungrateful littered with self-pity and loneliness, but that's not all I am. I have a good side, they just don't ever see it. Here I'm free to expose my personality and be judged solely on that, and it's wonderful. It's landed me with some people who are really just awesome and deserve more than what they have, and are quite like me. Frankly, all of you are older and taller than me, but I don't care. Size and age isn't a barrier here. In a way, the Wattpad community is one of absolute angels. There's no swift judgements (with the exception of a few people...), plenty of love and care, and a place for people to share their talents. And I've been repeatedly blessed by the people I've come in contact with, but somehow I'm still... I'm almost getting worse. I don't understand why. You guys are everything I've ever wanted: family that cares. And I care, so so much about each of your lives. You're all worth your weight in diamonds in my book, probably three times as much. If something were to happen to any of you, it would be a downhill ride for all of us. I'm an unstable, suicidal child, and if I lost one of you guys, it would probably trigger my own death. Imagine if I did finally end myself. Others would be affected to the point of taking their own lives, which in turn collects more and more souls. It would be everyone's fault, we would all take the blame and feel the guilt, but more importantly, it would wipe out possibly hundreds of amazing people who really needed those people to stay alive. Just... Imagine that next time you're down in the dumps. Suicide isn't an option. Cutting isn't either. Neither of those are options. I recommend professional help, while I'm just relying on you guys. <3
Stay safe, say smart, stay happy.
~ Dark ~