I feel like if I killed myself nobody in my family would care

Like I have the perfect chance to tonight but I'm still debating on it

I might relapse again and last time I told mybirl friend lily they got mad at me which I understand but I dont want them to be mad at me for doing stuff like this so  just decided to stop telling them when I have an urge

When u was trying to eat me and my sis both have adhd so we can't sit in place for that long

But we wre eating and fooling around and I was the one getting yelled at

And when we were done eating⁰ Krista (my step mom) asked if we took are pulls and I forget allot so I had to think for a moment and when I realized I didn't I said that we didn't and we got yelled at more for forgetting g

Another thing is I get yelled at alot for forgetting

My parents even told me to stop forgetting

Like that's not fucking possible so stop saying that besides oufprgot alot t so how would you like it for me to say to you to stop forgetting

Also a week or two ago I wrote a vent in my notes and my mom only read half of it and made me talk about my problems and explain my voices even though she k ows that I'm not good at talking about my feeling in person

Imma Un delete it so you guys can read it

It starts off as me talking to myself and fades I to talking to my parents

Sometimes I just feel like I should go mute for the rest of my life

Because most of the things I say is something I shouldn't say and I get in trouble for it allot

Or sometimes when I say something that my sister usually says to me I get in trouble for it and she doesn't

I really wish I was allowed wattpad because my followers on there are soooo much more supportive then this family

Like they support little space

And when I tell them about my selfharm they didn't get mad or yell at me

Whenever you yell at a person who selfharms it only makes the urges worse and the thoughts to do it more worse

And I've been caught for cutting like 6 or 7 times and every time I was yelled at and threatened that I'd be sent to the phycward

The most recent time I was caught cutting I told my mom that I told my friends a techneek called the butterfly techneek and it's were I and my friends draw a butterfly on my arm.or hand and if I cut then they all die

But when I told my mom that she yelled at me and called me an attention seeker

After that I wish I haven't told my friends because now I know I'm just being a burden to everybody and nobody actually cares there just taking pitty on me

The urges have gotten alot worse and I don't know how much longer I can take it anymore

I just wish that I had a supporting family that wernt trans phobic or anything like that

I just think that everybody takes pitty on me when I tell them something bad that's going on in my life

I just feel like if I act brave and all heroic then I'll make my parents proud

Even when my mom kept telling me I might be genderfluid when I know I wanted to be a boy I gave in wanting to make her proud

But that didn't seem to work because now she keeps saying I am a girl because I dress mostly like a girl and I don't know how long I can bottle up my feelings anymore

I found a place to come to by myself were I can cry all I want without anyone disturbing me and I hope nobody finds this spot

Sometimes I just wanna go to sleep and never wake up

Also I wish I never told anyone about the butterfly techneek and never showed.anyone because when I was telling Connor that my sister thought he was my boyfriend my mom asked why I was texting him that and I said so the he knows and my mom said "or your doing it for attention" and I just wanna stop talking and telling people about my problems because I know I'm not an attention seeker but my mom is making me thing I'm being a burden to everybody that I tell by telling me I'm an attention seeker and I don't know how long I can take it anymore

My sister is mommy's perfect princess and I'm just a child who can't do anything right and I don't know why

Almost everything I do I get in trouble for and whenever I get in trouble I think that I'm a terrible child that can't do anything right and that I should have gotten aborted because nobody actually cares about me and that I was a mistake and that everything that comes into my path trough life I just mess up the problem even more and that I can't do anything right

Every time that I get yelled at for cutting mom says "if I wasn't yelling at you then I would care" I know that you don't care already, if you cared then you would have a calm voice and would be telling or treating to send me to anywhere

So i do know that you don't care already and that you don't actually want me

I'm sorry for being a bad child

I tried to fix it any moment I could but I even ruined that and I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry

I'm sorry for being a bad child

I'm sorry for not being good enough

I'm sorry for not caring that much when I came to certain things

I'm sorry for not helping Jay with certain things and saying the opposite of what I was supposed to do

I'm sorry for saying things I should have

I'm sorry for not being there when you needed me the most

I'm sorry for using attitude

I'm sorry for not really caring about the argument when I was getting yelled at

I'm sorry for not listening properly

I'm sorry for coming up with excuses for things when I should have just agreed to it

I'm sorry for lying

I'm sorry for being sneaky

I'm sorry for being inappropriate

I'm sorry for being snoopy around your stuff

I'm sorry for not believing you for certain things

I'm sorry for doing the things I shouldn't have

I'm sorry for making you yell

I'm sorry for everything that I did that made Krista mad

I'm sorry for cutting

I'm sorry for trying to commit suicide

I'm sorry for every bad thing that I did to Krista

I'm sory

IM SORRY IM SORRY IM SORRY

And this time no excuses

I will be a better child I'm trying

I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying

I'm trying to be the best child I can I really am

And if your reading this and your crying I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you cry and if I did I'm probably just being a burden again

I'm sorry I wasn't good enough and in trying to be a perfect child for you I really am

And I really don't wanna tear this family apart more like I already probably am

I don't know what I'd do without you guys and my friends

I really don't

I try not to let out my true emotions or say my true feelings around you guys because you guys won't actually care and if I start crying then I'm just being a cry baby and nobody likes cry babys

I d9nt like to spent others money because then I'm just being greedy

I don't cut because ym life is bad

I cut because there are these voices inside my head

The voices tell me that I'm not good enough and that I should try harder

That I can't be the best child like you imagined

That I'm worthless

That all I'm doing is being a burden

That you guys don't caully care and you guys are taking pitty on me

That i deserve what happens to me

That I deserve to feel this pain

That I deserve to be alone

That I should be alone so nobody can be around me because I'm a burden

That I should just kill myself now because I'm just gonna die anyways

That if I tell anyone that I cut myself there just gonna yell at me like you do and that I'm gonna lose my friends

That I'm better off alone and dead

To just put on a happy face when I'm around you guys or others or they'll think something is off and I fhtey realize then they are just gonna take pitty on me and bombard me with questions

That I should stop talking because nobody wants to hear my ugly voice

That making jokes is useless because I'll never actually be funny

And that's what I had down for that vent

Well love ya gonna try and not cut and convince myself to not kms

Love ya guys

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