Note: no sarcasm, some salt

Ok, in the end, I decided to make a rant. This thing I mentioned before that's been bothering me has actually been bothering me for the past number of days. I don't want it to bother me anymore... it's been affecting me in more ways than one. Sure, I'm definitely not as pissed as before, but it's been bothering me regardless. Effects include being afraid to ship anything anymore or even fully returning to the Osomatsu-san fandom, and being a bit too sensitive to certain opinions. Can you believe this is all because of one person bursting a nerve? Haha.

Man, I find it hard to even rant rn. I guess I'll just ramble instead and find a way to get rid of this thing faster.

So to explain what's been up with me, I, uh... let's call my ship KI. I personally find it really cute, and it's a mainstream ship in my fandom, too. Well... that's what it supposedly is, anyway. Despite the large amount of doujinshis, fanart, and fanmade videos that came out of that ship, I've only met like 6 people who ship it despite having had met a lot of people. I'll just say this now, but surprisingly, I found more people saying they didn't like it than people who said they did. 

Yes, at one point I already realized why, but I'm not going to mention it until later.

It's really strange. Even at one point, I was having a silly conversation with a friend and a friend-acquaintance about "[noun A] gets shipped with [noun B], but it gets worse," but that friend-acquaintance was slowly offending me more and more with the things they were saying until they finally said "[K] gets shipped with [I], but it gets worse." When I teasingly-ish offended them back with a different ship (I know, that was immature of me, but I found it better to go along with it as though they didn't just offend me than to whine about it), they temporarily stopped the convo completely since my friend said "But I ship KT ;-;" and I said back "Well, I ship KI." 

And you know what they both said? "Well I don't like it, but I do respect it." Whether or not they were saying that to point out how I rudely made a joke about that one ship, I didn't take it that way. I did appreciate how they weren't some of those ship bashers, but... "but I do respect it." Bitch, you literally just said "[K] gets shipped with [I], but it gets worse." If that's a joke, then so is mine, even if both of them didn't necessarily have the same intents. Be grateful I didn't bite with your actual favorite ship (which I actually didn't attack since atm, I really liked it, too, so I would just be inflicting damage on myself as well), or with anything else you said earlier. Fucking bi-

Anyway, I was pretty stupid to not have noticed it by then, but the side of the fandom I was on really for the most part doesn't ship KI - despite being a "mainstream ship." Ig the person on here who said "Seriously, am I the only one on here who doesn't like KI?!" haven't delved enough into the actual fandom. Or... this part of it, anyhow.

Even all of my friends, other than a few, doesn't like KI. They even cringe at it. I first found out when one of them posted 3 KI pics in our group chat server, and the rest were like "No, stop, I'm cringing- Please don't post anymore KI pics here." At that, the friend that posted the KI pics me tioned "Yeah, I was cringing, too. Let's stop." Now that personally offended me, especially with how they were always the ones posting pics of ships I never even said I liked. One of them is my NOTP, too, but they never asked if I liked it. Though... I do admit that it's kinda my fault, since at one point I mentioned I didn't have anything against my NOTP (I barely had nothing to dislike about my NOTP at the time). But at any case, I decided to keep my mouth shut since it was just me that was affected. I already learned from this chat server and a different chatroom I shared with them (for the most part) that things that bothered people wouldn't be removed and acknowledged if it only bothers one person, but it would if it bothers multiple people as well. Particularly, there was a person we'll call S who was virtually crying and getting depressed over our snarky jokes, so she eventually got bashed on (tho she def was being unreasonable and annoyingly selfish, considering how she used to always make people do what she wanted them to do). There was another time two of the people in the chatroom were joking about rape, and due to most of the other chatroom members (including me) telling them to stop, rape jokes are next to nonexistent in the chatroom now. 

Anyway, to continue from where I left off, I just simply endured this and continued on living happily in the fandom. Most of the hate-ish KI received was mostly just people saying they simply didn't like it anyway, and without rudeness, too. Now let me clear up something real quick in case you misunderstood from what I mentioned earlier; this fandom is not a bad fandom. Some people claim otherwise, but it's usually mostly due to the large amount of untagged/unavoidable incest that roams around the fandom, unreasonable and/or rude bashers on Tumblr, and whatever triggered discourse comes up in Tumblr. It's like how I used to detest the Hetalia fandom simply due to how cringely childish and yaoi-obssesed several Hetalians were. 

It was.. not too long ago when the last nerve of it all bursted inside of me. I never expected it, tbh. I was on DeviantArt, clearing through my notifications. When I came to the poll section, I noticed that someone I was following had a new poll open: "Which do you like better? [Platonic name for a different ship] or [platonic name for KI]?"

Now this made me a little delighted-ish to be able to show off my love for KI and [Platonic name for KI] again. I felt a little bad for the other ship, though, since it was likely to be overtaken a bit; as you can tell, it's basically not as popular. 

However, there was only one answer choice available... it was the other platonic ship. I... don't really know why. But supposing that person did that on purpose... that's technically meaning they're saying "[the other ship] is the only correct answer," don't you think?

Deciding to take the poll this way, I became offended. Really offended. I became pissed and, clearing up the rest of my notifcations normally, got off of DeviantArt and went to two (mostly one) of my minor Wattpad accounts and tried to let the steam off by shitposting again. It didn't really work, tho... I ended up vaguely hinting what happened and my upset feelings for it, and left the accounts, realizing that I should take a break from the fandom for a while; I was a little too upset to deal with anything related to it anymore. Somehow, just going to anything that was part of the fandom's show, such as pictures or books, easily triggered memory of what happened... at one point, while I was internally being torn apart from it, I realized that I could call this condition something like a "stroke."

Ofc, due to having this fandom as my main fandom for so long, being interally told to suddenly stop involving in it for a day was a bit too hard. I was constantly thinking about things involving the show itself, see, every single day. As soon as I dropped thought from a class assignment, BAM, the thoughts of the show start again. How could I keep myself from doing anything related to that show at all, then, if I thought of it so often? I didn't even have a secondary fandom. I mean, there were a few times before whenever I thought about how necessary it was to have one in case I left my main fandom one day, but... it would keep me from watching new anime and discovering Boku no Hero Academia, so...

So I chose to comfort myself and keep me away from that main stuff I wanted to go to by deepning my studies-ish in BTS; I've recently gotten interested in BTS, after all, and felt that it would do me good to continue studying them since I've only gotten to simply know a few of their songs. 

And honestly? That was a good choice. 

BTS is amazing, ok. Their songs are wonderful, their dances are so good, and their voices and personalities are beautiful. Their faces and voices are hard to pick out, though, but eventually I'll get there. I'm glad I got to know them, and I hope I get to know them even more. ^^ However, I'm rather afraid I may get too obssesed to where I find no interest in learning about other K-pop groups or delve in my main show anymore. That would be sad, honestly... but I trust that won't happen anytime soon for now. ^^

Anyway, I spent the rest of the day watching BTS videos and listening to their music, other than watching two Noragami episodes in Chorus class (since we have nothing more to do in it so far). Maaaan it was fun. I stayed astray from the Osomatsu-san stuff until at night, when I decided it was ok for me to try to return earlier than anticpated. Of course, I had to take it slow first, since I still had my insecurities from what happened. So I just watched a few music videos.

Tbh, though, it was unexpected for this to bother me for this long. That's why I'm ranting now... I don't want to stay this way for much longer. The Osomatsu-san fandom is, after all, like my home. I like it there, and... I don't want to suddenly leave like this. There's still people I want to get to know more, ig... maybe...

I feel more at peace now. uvu I... I'm glad I got to let this all out. I feel happier.

To end this chapter/part, I'd like to share a few messages I posted in that account I said I went to before going to BTS. I certainly do no expect any comments, and may in fact prefer no comments on this chapter, but I hope you take these words into consideration. uvu