I was walking out of my school building and joking with my friends today about who is which country and why, when I looked over by some trees and saw at least 3 pairs of couples being all affectionate. 
I joked with my friends saying "hey look, its couples cove!" 

But the truth is, it hurt.

Seeing people in love or in deep like made me realize that I am even more lonely and sad than I thought.

I have never been part of a romantic relationship, I've never asked anyone out and nobody has ever asked me out. I never even did that stupid middle school dating. 

I realized that I need to be loved, I have a very strong desire to be loved and love someone and I'm not sure if I ever will. I want to be with someone who can understand me and I want to listen to who they are and make them happy as well. I feel isolated and its like looking into space, everything is unfamiliar and strange and yet I want to know what it contains.

I feel like I am the only person who is alone. Everyone seems to have someone and it really hurts to know that I'm not liked in that way. I might never know what love truly is or what it feels like. I might never hold someones hand. I might never miss being with someone, or know what heartbreak is.

I could be alone forever, I am really shy, I am terrified of telling anyone anything, I'm unattractive, I don't have soft hair or a bright smile or eyes that people get lost in. I always say the wrong thing and make conversations awkward and I don't understand why I am like this. 

I don't talk about my loneliness in fear of getting laughed at of people being mean or treating me weirdly, I hate feeling vulnerable like someone could tear me apart with a single word. 

My whole being is falling apart and I still am not crying or complaining, I let all my sadness sit and I try to sort through it alone.

I feel in pain right now from all the loneliness and I just needed to tell someone I hope that I didn't make you sad I just needed to tell someone that I hurt. If you read all of this I thank you for listening to a single person's stupid problems.  

4-27-17