"I hate you... You promised you'd just leave and come back as a famous writer... but how can you do that now? Oh... god, no... How can I hate you, huh?"

As she stood by the side of Gino's coffin and gazed at the mirror as its cover, Ate Kirsten broke down in tears. Her shoulders were shaking, and she was crying but her black tint glasses hid the tears in her eyes.

It was a bittersweet day and night during his wake. Days and nights passed I was afraid that no one would attend his wake, that no one else loved him at all. But my worry was cured that night when Yaya Mel came along with the maids and house workers.

Hindi ko rin inaasahan na makakapunta si Ate Kirsten. Sa labas pa lang ng chapel ay halos hindi na siya makalakad papasok sa loob dahil sa bigat nang nararamdaman. Kuya Sullivan and Jaz even helped her just to settle her down.

I understand her... I can feel her. Gino was a close friend of hers, and I had the same reaction when I found out that he was gone. Puno ng emosyon, mabigat, masakit, I didn't know what to do or think... It's numbing, and I don't know how to find myself back. Lahat ng klase ng sakit ay naramdaman ko.

That's exactly how I felt knowing that he would be gone for life.

All night, I've been hearing Yaya Mel's amusing and happy memories about Gino, since he was a baby and as he grew older... and when I got to know him more... it felt like it was the first time meeting him. And it made me realize that I didn't really know him well... and it wasn't enough to know him as a wise, kind, brave, and loving person. Yaya Mel made me realize that he was more than that.

"Maka-lola si Gino, at si Ma'am Coleen... napaka bait. Wala kang maririnig na kahit anong masama tungkol sa kaniya. Nakuha lahat 'yon ni Gino." Habang nagkakawento si Yaya Mel ay makikita sa kaniyang mukha ang tuwa ngunit may halo itong pait. "Pero parati siyang nasasaktan ng Dad niya at kapag naririnig ko ang rason niya, wala siyang ginawang masama. Naalala ko na may naging kaibigan siya at ang pagkakakwento niya, 'yong batang 'yon ay may mga nakababatang kapatid. Ilang buwan na daw na hindi sila binabalikan ng nanay nila. Nakatira sila sa mumurahing apartment, at sila na lang ang nando'n. Walang nakakaalam na may mga bata roon. Araw-araw pumupunta doon si Gino para hatiran sila ng mga pagkain. Pati ang allowance niya ibinibigay niya na rin para makatulong. Nalaman 'yon ng Dad niya, at gano'n..."

Yaya Mel came to a cease and glanced at the handkerchief in her palm before wiping away the tears that streamed down her face. She didn't even finish what she was saying, but I knew exactly what she meant. Gino did a good deed but his Dad didn't care about that, all he saw was Gino wasting his money... and all he did was violently punish him.

"Sinundan ko siya noon... napaka delikado sa lugar na 'yon dahil puno ng mga mandurukot, lahat ng krimen nando'n. Una ay pinaniwala ko sa sarili ko na tama lang ang ginawa ni Sir na pagdisiplina sa kaniya pero noong makita ko siya na masayang kumakain kasama 'yong mga bata," Yaya Mel said and she wasn't the only one who burst into tears, I was too. "Nagkamali ako... Maling-mali ang ginawa ng Dad niya. Napakabait na bata ni Gino. Halos... halos hindi ko mawari ang kalagayan ng mga bata. Buto't balat, madumi ang bahay, walang magulang na nag-aalaga. Ang gumagawa lang no'n ay 'yong kaibigan ni Gino. Kitang-kita ko kung gaano sila kasayang kumakain kasama si Gino... hindi mo maiisip na sa ilang buwan ay ganoon ang sitwasyon nila, walang makain."

And Gino saw it all. At his young age, he already had a good response to things. How he cherishes friendship and life, how sensitive he is to life... he knows the consequences but he doesn't think where he's vulnerable, he was aware of them yet his selflessness remained there, remained the same. Above all, he was just sensitive to beautiful things... and that's the best thing to be.

"Kapag sinasaktan ni Sir si Gino ay wala akong magawa... at naririnig ko pa na siya mismo ang humihingi ng sorry sa Dad niya. Kaya nang malaman ko na lilipat na siya kay, Ma'am Coleen, sobra ang tuwa ko no'n..." As she recalled what had happened at that time, Yaya Mel's voice almost became weak. "W-Wala nang mananakit sa kaniya."

I got to know him better when I had the moment to be alone with Ggohn. That's also when I found out how close the two of them are. He was telling a story, and I was just staring at the frame of me and Gino while holding a plate of food I couldn't even move.

"He has been very secretive ever since we were kids... I rarely, or I've never hear from him about the things that cause him pain. Because of his secrecy, I just found out recently that his Dad treated him like that," after Ggohn said that, it took him a few seconds before I heard his voice again. Maybe Gino finally told him that, that's the thing he couldn't say to Ggohn which he could only voice to me. "If... if only... if I had found that as early as possible, I would have never brought him with me to become an SSG officer... I would have never put him in a situation where I knew his Dad would hurt him."

Napalingon ako sa kaniya noong bigla na naman siyang napahinto. Nakita ko na lang siya na napayuko at nilalabanan ang sarili sa pag-iyak. Ilang sandali pa ay narinig ko ang malalim niyang paghinga bago pinunasan ang mga luha sa pisngi.

"But I don't understand him. He doesn't tell those things to me... Maybe he doesn't want me to think that his Dad is like that, that he's cruel." Nang ituon ko ang mga mata ko pabalik sa frame ay hikbi na ni Ggohn ang naririnig ko. "He can't hate the people he loves."

Napahigpit ang kapit ko sa platong hawak ko at maya-maya ay ipinasada ko ng haplos ang gilid nito gamit ang mga hinalalaki ko. Sa huling sinabi ni Ggohn ay doon ako napaiyak ng malala... It was a painful truth.

"I'm his best friend, but I didn't even understand him at the time when he hated our walks. Why he doesn't want to go home late. Why he always had bruises, why he sometimes didn't want to see me, and why he didn't want to show up. I had no idea why he had locked himself in his room for days. I didn't understand why he didn't want to go home after school."

Bawat bigkas ni Ggohn ay halos hindi niya na matuloy-tuloy ang sasabihin dahil sa paghikbi. He even had to pause in mid-sentence to rethink them before resuming to speak.

"There are many signs... but I'm so blind!" His voice cracked. "I don't even know what will happen to me after this. He was really good to me, he gave me life, he taught me a lot, he was so brave... I was something that he made me. I know that we have all the time to heal and move on... I may but, I swear that I'll never forget him. And I can't promise I won't cry anymore for him, even if that's not what he wants. But I will try... I'll try."

"I'll try..." I whispered under my breath.

My shoulders slumped and looked like a can of soda as I stooped over and let out a ton of tears. It was like a saying that 'all we know is that we don't' was true. It could be a meaning that you lack knowledge from a particular thing or a question, or it could be that you do know but it's not enough.

When I got to know Gino through people who were close to him, this saying fell to me. I thought I already knew him better, but after hearing things about him... that's when I realized I hadn't gotten to know him enough... I thought I knew him deeply enough when I met him, but I wasn't.

And I realized even more that everything I accused him of, all my doubts about him, all the things I didn't hold on to him, his words, his promises, the beautiful things he said and did for me, all of that was true when I heard Ggohn's story about why he was with Aisha the day I saw them together, kissing.

He was only there to ask for help... And Aisha was the only one he could ask for help that day when he found out that my scholarship had been pulled out. Humingi rin siya ng tulong dahil iyon din ang araw na nawawala ang kapatid ko at halos hindi ko na matutukan ang trabaho ko.

Even Aisha confirmed it when she was also able to go to Gino's wake. Just like what Gino told me, that it was Aisha... it was Aisha who kissed him. It was her... and too late for me to believe now when I could see that it was really her as I saw her crying in front of me and begging for forgiveness for what she had done.

I'm so damn unreasonable that I wanted to be mad and let it all out but it was too late... and if I do get mad, I shouldn't take it out on others but only on myself. Everything Gino told me was true, he was more than honest... but I just wasted and ignored all of them.

"Kitang-kita ko ang lungkot at pagod sa mga mata niya noon... at ngayon... nakakalungkot man pero, alam ko na makakapagpahinga na rin siya." After hearing what Ate Brenda said, those racing tears started to fall down in my cheeks.

"Ako po ang dahilan ng lahat ng 'yon..." I was able to speak over my profound sobbing. "Ang sama-sama ko... s-sinaktan ko siya..." I was so ruined that I hardly had the energy to speak.

"Kung ikaw... at kung gano'n nga ang ginawa mo... bakit hindi ko 'yon narinig sa kaniya?"

I slowly raised my head and faced her... I could feel my tears streaming down my cheeks as I looked at her at that moment. When I saw her sweet smile, I bowed again and cried when I got what she was saying. It is Gino, accepting me for who I am, wholly, with flaws and mistakes.

"Mahal na mahal ka niya..." As I embraced her and put my chin on her shoulder, and while she caressed my back softly to console me, I could hear the faintness in her voice... she was crying silently.

It was as if I was wearing glasses with different shades and colors when I heard their stories about him. It was tinted with blue when I heard Ate Kirsten's voice as she sadly told me about the things when she met Gino. As for her story, when I found out how happy Gino was when he met me, it was yellow.

As if I was wearing glasses that had a shade like a dream-like swaying trees in the wind, while the leaves and bushes from the surface danced and shimmered as I got to know how happy he was to meet someone like Ate Kirsten. It was like he had an instant older sister that he had always wished for and that he wouldn't be alone anymore.

It was like an orange tint when Jaz was telling about the things she and Gino talked about back then. Natawa naman kaming dalawa dahil halos lahat ng kuwento na napag-usapan nila ay tungkol lang sa akin at sa aming dalawa ni Gino. Even though they only interacted shortly, that is not a cause to put their connection on hold... that is also a reason to say that they became friends.

Those different glasses have different colors, different shades, and feelings, as though every time they mention his name, he is not just a single hue to other people, he is more with shades, brightness, and emotions inside them. Those will be touched through their hearts.

When I changed mine while facing the people who have been part of his life, his identity from me became even more vibrant. Even if that's the only chance I'll get to know him more... I'll get to know him from the people who have been his lean and shelter...

Even though it seems so unreal every time I change or look for the appropriate shades of glasses to see him as it will never happen again... Even though it didn't always seem right, I know it was for the best that he left us.

Agaran akong nagmulat ng mga mata at nag-angat ng ulo noong maramdaman ko na may tumapik sa braso ko. Inaaninag ko pa ang taong nasa harapan ko bago nakita ang malawak na ngiti ni Bea. Masaya ang hitsura niya pero nakikita ko ang mga mata niya na lumuluha.

Noong iginala ko ang paningin sa paligid ay nakita ko silang lahat na nakatingin sa 'kin, sina Jaz, Dianne, Summer, Ggohn at Kuya Sullivan, parehong-pareho ang reaksyon nila kay Bea. Masaya nila akong sinenyasan na tumingin mula roon sa pinto kaya agad ko naman iyong ginawa.

Pagkakita na pagkakita ko sa taong nakatayo roon ay mabilis na kumawala ang mga luha sa mga mata ko. Habol-habol ko pa ang hininga ko sa sobrang tuwa at halo-halong emosyon. Mabilis ang pagtayo ko noong mas lalo ko pang nakumpirma na si Ava nga ang nakikita ko.

"Kuya!" garalgal na pagtawag niya pa sa akin.

"Ava!" I voiced, sobbing.

"Kuya..." and that was all my sister could say.

Pareho kaming hindi pa maiproseso ang nangyayari. Pareho kaming gulat na makita ang isa't isa. At hindi lang ang sarili niya ang dala niya... May kasama pa siya na isang anghel... ang pamangkin ko!

Pagkabitaw na pagkabitaw ko sa yakap ay agad kong binalingan ng tingin ang batang nasa tabi niya. Ang pangalan niya ay Kheil. Umiiyak pa ako noong lumuhod ako sa harapan niya para makapantay siya. Tahimik lang siyang nakatingin sa 'kin. Habang pinagmamasdan ko siya ay hindi ko mapigilan na yakapin siya.



He's so beautiful, cute, and tiny. His eyes seem to shine like a star. He got all of that from his mother. He was just like his mother when Ava was a baby when I picked her up and held her in my arms while looking at her sparkling eyes.



"Kheil... hi!" I can't explain how happy I was when I uttered his name. "I'm your, Uncle... I'm, Uncle Shawn..."



"Hello po, Uncle," Kheil said shyly in his morning voice. "Nasa'n po si, Tito Gino?"



In an instant, my eyes welled up with tears as I heard the longing in his voice and realized that he was looking for him... and how he called him... he just called him Uncle.



Agad kong tiningala si Ava, nagtatanong ang mga mata ko kung paano nakilala ni Kheil si Gino.



"I'll tell you everything," was all Ava could say before she wiped away her tears.



Tumango na lang ako at tumayo para sabayan sila sa paglalakad palapit sa coffin niya. Huminto ako sa paglalakad at hinayaan sila na lumapit roon at tingnan ang taong nasa loob noon.

Pinapanood ko lang sila. Umiiyak si Ava habang nakatingin mula roon, hawak niya ang mga balikat ni Kheil na walang kamuwang-muwang sa kung ano ang nangyayari. Kung bakit umiiyak ang Mom niya.

"Is, Uncle, just sleeping, Mom?" I almost bit my lower lip hard when I heard that. He is only seven years old.



Ava quickly wiped her tears to hide them from Kheil when he looked up to see her.

Pilit namang tumango ang kapatid ko sa tanong na iyon. "Yes, he's just sleeping... he'll wake up soon..." I can see how hard it is for her. "And when he wakes up, magkakapag-play na ulit kayo ng chess!"



How hard it is for me... for us. Napatakip na ako ng mga mata gamit ang kamay ko noong muli ko na namang naramdaman ang pag-iyak ko. Naramdaman ko naman agad ang paghawak ni Bea sa mga balikat ko, hinaplos niya 'to para pakalmahin ako.



Matapos niyon ay sinamahan ko muna sila sa bahay para kumain at makapagpahinga. Naghanda ako ng makakain nila habang naroon sila sa kwarto. Noong nakaraang araw ko pa ginagawa ang pagluluto, tumulong ako sa pag-pre-prepare ng mga makakain at sa pagbibigay nito sa mga bumibisita.



That's the only thing I can do to control myself from thinking about him, and it's the only thing I can do to gradually accept that he's gone. Sa ngayon, I can still pretend that I'm fine, but I know someday, possibly, I can't anymore... I'll have to accept that truth.



Nang magising sina Ava at Kheil ay minaigi kong ininit ang niluto kong sinigang na baboy. Noong matapos sila sa pagkain ay doon ko na nakausap ang kapatid ko. And while Kheil was playing with his toys in the garden, kalaro niya ang magkambal.



"I hate him." Napalis ang tingin ko sa mga bata noong marinig kong magsalita si Ava. Napatingin ako sa kaniya at nakita siyang naroon lang din nakatuon ang mga mata niya. Maya-maya pa ay nilingon niya ako bago siya tipid na ngumiti. "At first... and that's the problem with me. I doubted that man, well in fact you're the one with him... You attract only good people."



I bowed and nodded softly. I swallowed before looking at her again.



"Did you hate us because..." Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dahilan ngunit nagkaroon na naman ako ng kaba na sabihin ang mga salitang iyon. "Is it because of our situation that we are both man having that kind of relationship? That we love each other?"



"Definitely, no," Ava said soon after and shook her head. "Actually... I don't have a problem with that. Just..." She bit her lower lip and looked to the other side to hide her tears.



"It is safe to tell, Ava," I said, assuring her.



She nodded before composing herself.



"I just envy him... and I'm jealous because you're there for him. The things I missed from you, Kuya... he gets that. And I hate it. I feel... I feel like I'm just an outsider."



Sa puntong iyon ay wala akong mukhang naiharap sa kaniya. I wasn't fair to my sister and I was never a good brother to her. I have done some bad things to her.



"I kept your promise that you would do everything for me... but it ended up, you did it to someone else."



"I'm sorry..." I said, struggling to breathe out the intense emotions. "I'm so sorry..."



"But I get it now," Ava said with a smile on her lips. "I understood that when Kheil and I were temporarily staying at the apartment... the time he embraced us." Nakatingin lang siya sa sahig, she was thinking deeply. She then looked at me. "He was a good man... he deserves your love. You deserve each other."



She extended her hand out in front of me, reaching for mine. I threw my hand out and reached for it, then joyfully held her hands. With tears in our eyes and smiles on our lips, we clutched each other's hands... Then, as we had no words to voice, we instantly understood one another by looking at each other. There, we both laughed gently with the same thoughts in our minds.

I love you.



"I'm sorry if I told him to hide what happened to me then... I just don't want you to see how miserable I am. I don't want you to know that... I'm at bad," she said as soon as we let go of our hands. "And I'm sorry because I left you... I left without a word. I made your life a mess..."



Umiling naman ako kaagad at bahagyang lumapit sa kaniya.



"No. Ava," I voiced. "I will never think of you that way. I will never see you like that. I know how difficult everything is for you... and no matter what your fault is, Ava, I will continue to understand you."



She nodded her head as she emotionally wiped away her tears.



"And look at Kheil..." I looked at Kheil over there in the Garden as he was happily playing with Brianna and Caleb. Nilingon naman ni Ava ang bata, at noong makita kami ni Kheil na nakatingin sa kaniya ay lumawak ang ngiti niya at masayang kumaway sa amin. "He is such a lovely gift."

That made Ava beamed a smile.

"Gino was right..." She looked utterly at me when she said that, and I was just looking at her with questioning eyes. "There are still many things I don't know about you, at kasalanan ko kasi hindi ko man lang nagawang kilalanin ka dahil sa sarili kong galit. I'm sorry, Kuya..."



I smiled and sat next to her to hug her. And finally, I felt my sister's embrace again which I had been longing for... which I had always wanted to feel. Even though tears were flowing from her eyes while she was in my arms, nothing had changed... her embrace was still there, I still felt it, the same as when she was a child.



"How come you're still the most beautiful princess..." when I said that, my voice was still shaking, but it couldn't drown out the sound of how happy I was. "My, Princess..."



Kinuwento lahat sa akin ni Ava ang nangyari noong umalis siya at noong nanuluyan siya sa apartment kasama si Kheil at si Gino. Sinabi niya sa akin ang lahat ng detalye at kung paano sila inalalayan ni Gino.



At walang pinagkaiba ang kwento niya sa mga taong nakausap ko na nakakakilala sa kaniya, those are all purely positive. In all those events, my sister also realized how much I love her... And it was Gino who made her realize that.



Ava told me that she visited Dad. Dad has been sick for a long time, he has been in the hospital for several years for recovery. And he didn't have a simple disease... When I found out he had lung cancer and was unable to walk due to a stroke, I wasn't sure how I would feel.

Nalaman ko rin na halos lahat ng property niya ay napunta sa kabit niya... Ang negosyo niya, ang lupain, ang resort... Pati ang mga branches ng Lechon Restau na una niyang pinaghirapang paluguin kasama si Mom.

And Ava once caught the woman na may kinikita itong ibang lalaki. She was still young when she stole Dad from Mom and it's no surprise that there are still people who would like her, she has that deceiving beauty.



I talked about it with Ava, and we simply came to the agreement that we should just leave it. In our entire lives, even if it's simple, all we want is to be content and happy. Neither of us wants wealth that is stained with dirt.

I once was wondered why I didn't hear Dad's name in the years I was gone, at sa mga panahong nalaman niya na nawala si Ava. At ngayon na narinig ko ang dahilan... iniisip ko ngayon kung may puso pa ba ako para dalawin siya matapos ang lahat ng nangyari.

At iyon din pala ang naging rason kung bakit ganoon na lang ang pagbabanta sa akin ni Kuya Yvan para lang makakuha siya ng pera sa akin... Dahil wala na siyang tao na maaasahan, wala na siyang kakampi.

Sa ginawa nilang pang-aabuso sa amin... wala kaming nagawa para lumaban. We lived with our mouths gagged, and our hands and feet tied. I didn't want it, and wanted to wish that it would come one day that they would pay for all the abuse they did to us...

Because even at this point, I still think of them as a family... and I can't bear to think and throw bad things about them. Ngunit kapalaran na lang talaga mismo ang gumawa noon sa kanila.

All I want is for Gino's case to be resolved, and when that happens, maybe that will be the right time for me to take a rest.

"I miss you..." Here I am, at his coffin, staring at him. And as I saw his closed eyes, I couldn't help but cry... hindi ko man lang napagmasdan ang mga iyon nang matagal. "This will be the last time I see you, huh?"

Nagawa kong ngumiti ngunit hindi ko namang mapigilan ang sarili ko sa pag-iyak. Today is the last day we can see him.

Ilang araw ko ring dinaya ang emosyon ko, I tried to get away from the pain and sadness. Ginawa ko na lahat para maibsan iyon pero heto ako ngayon, maisip ko lang siya at sumagi lang sa isip ko na wala na siya... nadudurog na naman ako. Hindi ko pa rin kaya.

"Thank you..." Noong binigkas ko ang mga salitang iyon at habang nakatuon ang mga mata ko sa kaniya ay lumuluha at nangingig ang boses ko.

I know this is the turning point of my life but even if he can't hear me, and even if I can't see him anymore, I'll never get tired of thanking him...

When I was a kid, I felt as if I was in an abandoned house... alone in the room, with nothing to hear but the wind rattling the old and broken window. I'm just around the corner of it, surrounded by dust that hasn't been touched by fingers in a long, long time. I sometimes stare silently out the window, hoping that someone may knock on the door.

And the only place that has become a place where I can wander and go, is an empty kitchen... hallway, and a living room. It seemed endless... until there was a soul who got lost and found me... And that soul gave me the feeling... different feelings that before I only had one, longing. He has his own ghost, his own flame, and his own way. He taught me to have those until we set my room on fire...

It caught fire and rapidly spread, burning the entire house down. And I was able to walk out of the fire alive... how can that be? I managed to escape... I only got out of that abandoned house... because of him... because of Gino.

He set me free, and I was so thankful for that.

"Ang sakit..." Punong-puno ng sakit ang boses ni Ggohn matapos niyang maihulog ang bulaklak mula roon sa hukay.

Pagkatalikod niya at pagkaharap sa amin ay agad siyang natigilan, napahawak siya sa mga tuhod niya at doon humikbi. Lumuluhang lumapit naman si Sum para haplusin ang likod niya. Maya-maya ay tumuwid ng tayo si Ggohn saka siya napahinto, at napayakap na lang siya kay Sum.

Marahan akong lumapit doon sa hukay, ang mga kamay ko ay nasa dibdib at hawak-hawak nito ang puting bulaklak. And that earring he's been wearing since we were in college, the one he promised to keep, I tied it to the flower.

I was standing here at the edge, and couldn't hear anything. I seemed to be deaf, all I could hear was a mere faint scream that was unusual because, even when it's really quiet, it's still deafening.



Agad akong napalingon kina Ava noong marinig ko ang boses ni Kheil... malakas ang pag-iyak niya at isinisigaw niya pa ang pangalan ni Gino habang gusto niyang kumawala sa pagpipigil ng kapatid ko na makalapit siya sa hukay.

"You lied! You said that Uncle was just sleeping! You're a liar, Mom!"



And there I was, in tears, with anguish in my chest throwing the flowers. As I watched him being buried six feet deep... and while the rain was pouring heavily, I felt that everything was unreal... that when I woke up the next day, everything would be back to normal and he would be by my side.

I wasn't ready for him to leave, I wasn't prepared to lose him. I would never be. Sumisikip ang dibdib ko habang pinapanood ang pagbuhos nila ng lupa sa hukay... and as I felt the burning tears on my cheeks, I couldn't help but to turn around.

Naglakad ako palayo at narinig ko naman ang pagtawag sa akin nina Bea. I wasn't in my mind anymore, kung kaya ay hindi ko na napakinggan pa ang pagtawag nila sa akin habang dire-diretso akong naglalakad paalis.

I didn't hear you say goodbye. You didn't say goodbye to me. Is it wrong for me to hope that you will be coming back? Will you be back?

The rain soon swallowed my body. I then doubled my pace... until I just found myself running while wailing in pain.

*****