There my heart goes again.

Pounding at your every word.

I pretend the old words didn't hurt.

I try to ignore you each time i see you, any God damn time I hear you and all the times i hear your name mentioned.

"I miss you"

"I love you"

As if I haven't heard this all before.

I wished you well and I acted like a forgot all about you.

But everytime the tears start falling down all I can hear is that dumb ass sound, my emotions drowned in my pain, overlooked by my easy persuasion.

I am an old, hollowed out tree, you are the 100 mph winds of a tropical storm.

You will blow me down each time.

I'll fall apart.

I don't return your messages because I'm afraid.

They're just lies, arent they?

You don't love me, you never cared.

Or maybe you did, but it wasn't there.

I can't handle this impression you've left on me.

It's much too deep.

I used to vomit up all my words each time you'd give me a chance to speak,

But now I can not even look at you in the same way.

It's like I'm insane.

Blinded by all that you used to say.

Where I used to be vocal ive grown quiet around you.

Since you went mute ive found i have no confidence in my corner to distribute.

I am a pawn, I am a plague.

The scars that line my skin no longer match yours, and I havent felt the warmth of your arms in a long time, but I know there are no more marks to be found.

Because you searched and you dug up and you scrounged, until they were what you wound.

The gold in a coal mine, far more precious than me.

But i told you i would be whatever you wanted me to be.

If you didnt want a diamond I could've given you copper, or brass, or silver, I would've been emerald, and iron, or crystals, rubies, opal, aquamarine.

And still, you didnt need nor desire me.

And that is okay, of course, it's just fine, why wouldn't it be, obviously, it's your life.

You're lying to me now,

Just like you've always done.

You like to start my heart for fun.

I remember when you named me "the one"

But that title never belonged to me, or at least so i am told.

You sold me away, without any say, and I couldn't even beg you to stay.

When I woke up you were gone,

And my soul groaned in a song, but more like a mumble, all muddled and quiet, it all broke, I wanted to scream or start a riot, but i couldnt, just not when it came to you.

You were god sent when I couldn't control it, you were an angel from the Heavwns when I was ready to die assuring me it would be wise to try just one more time.

Don't be mad at me,

God, please no.

That's way beyond my wants.

I just want you to be happy,

Or maybe your memories gone.

If you are not the fraud my brain demands, then please, somehow, outstretch your hand, show mw this isnt all in my head.

I just want to go to bed,

Without getting so high I cant see, without becoming so drunk i can speak, without crying to a point where my face is not recognizable.

I wish toud beat me to a pulp already, end all this damned misery.

Make me believe you never could love me, because im not worth it and i wont ever be.

I'm just so done with being me.

I dont hate all your memories, I hate that they've been torn from me, I miss your smile and your laugh and your jokes.

I dont want it all to disappear.

As I care for you all too much I fear.

I just want the pain to be gone, I want the fake to be gone,

I want all of it Gone

                           Ariah Christman