I still find myself justifying what you did. Invalidating my feelings. But I know that there's a reason for everything I'm feeling.

The pure anxiety and fear at the mention of your name.

The hatred and anger at you for hurting me.

The need to shut you and all traces of you out of my life.

There are reasons for these.
I know it.

But what the hell are they?

The lying? The fact that I was in love with you? The fact that you promised you'd never leave, and you did? The fact that you chose him over me when I was only trying to protect you?

It wasn't even because I wanted you. It was because I knew he was toxic. That he'd only bring hurt and I was trying to look out for you. I always put you over my feelings.

I promised I'd never hate you. You promised you'd never leave.

And hey, I kept my promise.

Because I still don't fully hate you.

Yes, I hate your name. Your face. Your voice. But you? No. How could I? When you were once so fucking beautiful to me. When I still have to convince myself that what you did was wrong.

That may be because I have spent my entire life invalidating my feelings.
Something I picked up from my mum and years of mental abuse.

There's that too, you remind me of her.

You give me that sick feeling in my stomach. You scare me. You manipulated me.

You are her. You went from being my best friend, someone I was in love with and would do anything for, to my biggest fear.

There's that also, I would have done anything for you. And I did. I made people hate me on your behalf. You, however, made people hate me and defended it by saying you were sticking up for me.

So, so many lies.

You lied about loving me.

You lied about many things, too many to write down.

I can't trust anyone anymore because of you. Even my happiest memories with you are bitter now because they were built off of lies.

Forgive me for repeating myself, but you really did play my anxiety, PTSD, Low Self Esteem, and Depression against me. You destroyed me and hid behind your mental illnesses.

Which you lied about too, by the way.

I just want you out of my life, but that seems impossible now. Wether it's because my brain reminds me of you, or someone else does, or because of all of this drama shit you continue to throw into my life without even talking to me, you're always gonna be here.

I want to believe I'll get over it. Get over you. Get away from you. But I don't know if that's true.

But you know what? Fuck you. You aren't worth a second of my time.
I got away.
I cut you out.
I exposed your lies.
I got a whole group of friends backing me up.
I am gonna be alright.
I won.
You lost.
Fuck. You.