Snoot went home after our silent dinner, telling me that if I ever needed him—or if I finally dared to face my emotions—everyone in our house knew their landline. And I was, in some way, grateful that he wasn't forcing the idea of forgiveness. When I said I needed time, he promised to give me that time, yet never once made me feel abandoned.

I didn't know I needed that. I couldn't help but ask myself . . . would the Billy I knew have done that? I'm afraid not. Aalis na lang siya at hahayaan na lang ako kung anong gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko.

Fourteen minutes before eight, I had finished my night bath when I saw Ate Melba closing my room's window. Nagulat pa akong nasa kuwarto ko siya. Mabuti na lang at nakabihis na ako ng pantulog paglabas ko.

"Malakas ang hangin. Baka mapuno ng dahon 'tong kuwarto mo."

After a month of staying at my Inang's house, it was the first time they closed my window. I had always left it open, mostly because I didn't know how to shut it.

Ate Melba tugged at some wood and wires at the edge of the panels. Then, from that end, she pushed the whole board toward the wooden post in the middle. No wonder I couldn't close that shit—it took a lot of force to move those panels.

I thought it was just cold outside, but once the window was shut, we both heard the wind knocking against the boards. The gusts were that strong.

"Naglagay na rin ako ng mga basahan dito, para kung sakaling pasukin ng ulan, hindi magbabasa rito," Ate Melba said.

"Thanks, Ate."

Ate Melba gave me a warm smile, and I could see in her face that she had a lot of questions, probably about what she saw earlier.

"Nag-away kayo ni Gimo?" maamong tanong niya. Inayos pa niya ang kurtina saka ako nilingon uli.

"Matagal na kayo rito, Ate?" tanong ko para alisin doon ang usapan.

"Oo. Mga sampung taon na rin." She pointed to her back. "Namamasukan ako dati sa Bay bago ako nalipat dito. Hindi mo na naabutan si Tiya Omeng, 'no? Sumalangit nawa ang kaluluwa niya."

"I remember Lola Omeng," I replied. "The lola with a huge mole on the nose."

"Ah! Naabutan mo pa pala? Siya ang nagpasok sa akin dito. Ang asawa ng kapatid niya, tiyahin ko naman. Mabait 'yon, di ba?"

I nodded. "Yeah. She was."

"'Yon dati ang mayordoma rito. Siya ang kumuha sa amin ngayong mga nandito na nagtatrabaho. Si Manay Tere, pinsan niya sa lolo. Naipasok niya naman dito si Manay noong nabiyuda at kailangan ng trabaho. Awa ng Diyos, ang sinahod dito, naipagtapos naman ang mga anak niya sa Maynila. Ang anak n'on, teacher na sa Mayabong."

"You know Sn—I mean, may kakilala kang Billy, Ate? Dinadalaw niya ako rito dati noong bata pa kami."

"Billy?"

"Yeah."

"Billy? Hmm . . ." She looked puzzled. "Hindi ako pamilyar sa totoong pangalan ng mga bata rito, pasensiya na. Wala naman kasing nadadalaw na bata rito! Alam mo naman ang Inang mo, ayaw sa maingay."

"How about Gimo? Kailan mo siya nakilala?"

"Ah! Oo nga pala. Si Gimo! 'Yan! Mas nauna pa 'yan sa akin dito! Akala ko nga dati, apo rin ni Tiya Omeng. Alagang-alaga ni Tiya Omeng 'yang batang 'yan. Inglisero pa 'yan nang maabutan ko, galing nga raw kasi sa private. Pero masipag 'yan si Gimo. Nagwawalis-walis 'yan dati rito. Minsan, naglilinis ng mga bintana. Itong kuwarto mo, kanya 'to. Malamig kasi rito kaya dito niya gusto. Lagi rin 'yang kasama ng Inang mo kapag nadadalaw siya rito. Sabay silang pumupunta sa simbahan. Halos dito na nga rin 'yan lumaki. Naabutan ko pang magbinata 'yan dito hanggang makapagseminaryo."

So, he really stayed here. And in my room? As far as I know, this room is mine kahit noong bata pa 'ko. Dito pa nga kami naglalaro ng jackstone noon.

Ate Melba gave me a soft smile. "Nililigawan ka ba ni Gimo?"

I awkwardly shook my head. It wasn't true, though.

"Hindi ko alam kung kumpirmado na, pero ang naririnig-rinig ko kina Manay at sa daddy mo, kay Gimo ka raw ipakakasal."

Seriously, I didn't know what to feel about that. Snoot and I planned to ditch our parents' plan until the truth came out. It was a bittersweet revelation.

"Matabil lang 'yang dila ni Gimo kung minsan. Matatabil din naman kasi ang dila ng mga tao sa kanila, pero mabait 'yang batang 'yan. Sobrang maalaga. Alam 'yan ng Inang mo. Pinag-aagawan nga 'yan ng mga nanay sa bayan. Natigil lang noong ipinasok sa seminaryo ng tiyahin niya. Alangan namang magnasa sila sa alagad ng Panginoon, di ba? Mabuti't nabawi kay sayang naman ang lahi, ano? Kaguwapong bata, ikukulong mo lang sa simbahan?" Ate Melba giggled at her story.

They were all saying the same. I've never heard anything bad about Snoot every time I asked about him.

I tried to sleep after Ate Melba left, but my bed felt so wide this time. In my head, there was a missing presence in my room. This could be the perfect time to ask my mother about her relationship with my dad, but she's no longer here in this world.

My sleep regressed the whole night. I missed Snoot, it was crazy. The wind was pounding on my closed window. The universe didn't want to give me the sleep I deserved.

I got out of bed earlier and took a quick bath. I pulled a bra from the closet and clasped it. Then the right strap fell, so I fixed it. And as I fixed it, the left strap was removed from the hook on my chest.

"Fuck." I sighed in annoyance and pulled the right strap to fix it again on the hook. But the left strap fell on the floor as I pulled the back part.

Maybe I was overstimulated, I took my bra off and threw it into the hamper in irritation.

"You useless fucking thing!" I even cursed it for not doing its only job, then changed into a black swing dress and black lacy panties.

Every time I was overwhelmed, a dress was my go-to clothing. I didn't need to wear a bra and tops and shorts or pants or any fucking stuff society invented. I just slip it on, wear undies, then I'm good. It was better than going naked since wearing a lot of layers felt like a chore.

The grandfather clock was still quiet. Sky was darker this morning. Or maybe it was what it was supposed to look like. Our kitchen was busy, and I found myself walking in the foyer until I reached the front porch.

My head was bargaining for all the things it could bargain for.

I missed Snoot, and I hated it. The wind was cold—a different kind of cold compared to the previous breeze in this place.

My feet followed the path through the old garden. The first bargain with pain was to go there without Billy—hoping that if I went alone, I might remember myself as brave for not asking for his presence.

I wanted to remember the sun differently this time. I wanted the warmth. I wanted it to wake me up.

The wind blew harder. It reminded me of Billy's whistles calling the air. He said that if we called for the air, it would come. It never failed to come—never not in every whistle.

I didn't know what time it was. Snoot usually wore his silver watch, but why did my fucking brain look for him?

And by the time I reached the garden, the rain started to fall.

"Damn it!"

I ran to the gazebo and sat on the podium. I looked at the cloudy sky. It was full of thick, dark clouds. The raindrops were huge, and every drop sounded like tons of pebbles as it fell.

"Do you hate me?" I sadly asked the crying sky. "I'm here for the fucking sun . . . not for the rain!"

I never thought I'd understand my mom's declining sanity just because of this gloomy weather. Ganito rin siguro siya noong paulit-ulit niyang pine-play ang favorite vinyl niya. I felt empty and overwhelmed at the same time.

When the cold crept in, I began to regret wearing this fucking dress . . . or maybe even if I wore a tank top and ass-cut shorts, I'd still regret my decision. Ang lamig na ng hangin. Bumabaha na rin nang kaunti sa labas ng gazebo. All of the flowers in this old garden were drenched. They all looked mournful.

I was expecting the rain to stop after a few minutes, but I was already freezing cold, lalo lang lumakas habang umaandar ang oras.

Another reason they didn't want this place to be visited by anyone. I don't think someone in the house knew I was here. It was far from there, or even from the cabins. Kahit sumigaw ako, nilalabanan lang ng ulan ang boses ko.

It felt like hours had passed. I was blowing breath on my freezing hands when I heard someone. Pagtingin ko sa bukas na pinto ng garden, nakita ko roon si Snoot na may hawak na payong.

In my head, I glared at him. But all my face showed was teary eyes and a flaring nose.

"Huwag ka munang umalis diyan! Mataas ang tubig dito!" malakas na sabi niya.

I watched him cross the muddy path across the fountain. He wore a windbreaker and cargo shorts.

"Kanina ka pa ba rito? Naabutan ka ng ulan?"

I looked like a crying kid begging for mercy. He closed the umbrella and placed it on the gazebo's balusters.

"How did you find me?" I asked, almost sobbing.

"Wala ka namang ibang mapupuntahan." He removed his windbreaker and placed it beside the umbrella. "Walang araw ngayon, may bagyo. Sana hindi ka na muna lumabas."

My lips were trembling as I stared at him. He kneeled in front of me and brushed my hair backward. "Kanina ka pa hinahanap sa bahay. Tinawagan na nila ako kasi akala nila, pumunta ka sa 'min." He scanned my face and my body, searching for something I don't know.

"Why didn't you tell me the truth?" I softly said.

He closed his lips firmly.

"That's not rhetorical. I want to know . . ." I begged. "I don't want to be my mom, Snoot. I don't want to die answering questions that aren't mine to answer."

"Esther . . ."

"Bakit hindi mo sinabing ikaw si Billy kahit alam mo namang hinahanap kita?"

He sighed and gazed at me. His eyes were softer and longing this time. Gone were those eyes full of contempt for someone beneath his class.

"I'm giving you another chance. Gusto kong maging honest ka sa 'kin this time. Kahit sabihin mo na lang na gusto mo 'kong makitang mukhang tanga, fine, I'll take it. Just be honest, please. I'll take everything from you kahit nakaka-offend."

"Ayokong maging si Billy na kilala mo," sagot niya, nagpapaunawa. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa malamig na mga kamay kong nasa kandungan saka 'yon hinawakan nang mahigpit. "'Yong batang 'yon . . . napakadamot . . . napakayabang . . . hindi niya alam kung paano maging mabuting tao. Ayokong maalala mo siya, Esther. Ayokong maging siya."

He placed my cold hands on his warm cheeks, covering them with his hands to warm me. He met my eyes with gentleness.

"No'ng sinabi mong aalis kayo ng mama mo, hindi ko sineryoso 'yon. Kasi matagal ka nang maarte."

He hid his chuckle when I furrowed my forehead. "Damn you."

He planted soft kisses on my left palm. "Sabi mo, aalis na kayo. Sa isip-isip ko, exaggerated ka lang . . . kasi lagi naman kayong umaalis . . . hanggang sa hindi ka na nga bumalik."

A tear fell from my eye as I watched him smile with bitterness.

"Si Billy . . . sobrang damot na bata. Ayaw niya ng ibang kalaro. Gusto niya si Chichi lang. Ayaw rin niyang nakikipaglaro sa iba si Chichi. Nagagalit siya sa ibang bata kapag inaaya nila siyang maglaro sa plaza. May sinuntok pa siyang isa dahil lang nakipaglaro sa kanila ng patintero si Chichi."

I swallowed the huge lump in my throat, and as I listened to him, everything came to light.

The time when he thought those street kids were dirty . . . those afternoons he looked at them with disgust . . .

"Gusto ni Billy 'tong garden kasi bawal ang mga bata rito. Kaya kapag nandito sila ni Chichi, alam niyang kanya lang siya. Gusto nila sa bahay ni Lola Ditas kasi bawal doon ang ibang bata kaya mas nasosolo niya siya. Magkukulong sila sa kuwarto. Maglalaro sila nang sila lang. Kakain silang magkasama, matutulog sa hapon nang magkatabi, uuwi siya nang late sa kanila. At sa sobrang confident niyang hindi siya matitiis ni Chichi, alam niyang uuwi rin 'yon sa susunod na summer break. Magkikita uli sila. Maglalaro uli sila rito sa garden nang sila lang. Matutulog uli sila sa kuwarto nang magkasama. Kaso maling-mali talaga siya ng akala . . ."

His eyes started to wander, soon changing into an empty gaze.

"Billy is an insecure and selfish kid," he continued, staring at nowhere. "Tingin niya sa lahat, competition. Tingin niya sa lahat, aagawan siya. Sinabi niya kay Chichi na maganda ang ganito, maganda diyan kasi . . . gusto niyang sa kanya ka lang maniniwala. Gusto niyang ikaw lang ang totoo para sa kanya. Lahat sila, peke."

When I thought he had already ruined my childhood, I didn't know he could turn everything into dust just like that.

So, all this time . . .

"Ayokong maging si Billy, Esther," he said with a sad smile, staring into my eyes. "Noong binabanggit mo si Billy sa 'kin, nahihiya ako sa sarili ko. Kasi ang ganda-ganda ng mga sinabi mo tungkol sa kanya kahit na iba ang alam ko. At mas malala ang alam ko tungkol sa kanya. Kung alam mo lang kung paano ko gustong siraan siya sa 'yo noong unang banggit mo pa lang sa kanya."

His bitter chuckle dug deep into my chest.

He was talking about himself . . . and he hated him. 

"Itong garden . . . kulungan 'to ni Billy para sa 'yo. Para kanya ka lang. At kahit kailan, walang maganda rito para sa kanya. Ayaw ka lang talaga niyang makalaro ng ibang bata kaya kayo nandito. Kahit hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring maganda rito para sa 'kin . . . kaya nga gusto kong ganoon mo rin tingnan 'tong lugar na 'to ngayon. Lumang garden lang 'to na ide-demolish na sooner or later."

"I hate you for ruining my good memories of you, Snoot . . ."

"Sorry."

"I fucking hate you so much . . ."

I began to cry loudly after learning the truth. He held the back of my head and pulled me into a tight embrace. I let my emotions flow as I tried to comprehend everything he had admitted.

"Balik na muna tayo sa inyo. Baka magkasakit ka pa rito."