it doesn't make much sense to say
that I am grieving for a part of me
one that died so long ago,
it's a stretch to say it ever existed

to remember a little girl made of happy smiles,
who didn't realize that no one stuck around
to remember a little girl no one had hurt,
who wasn't constantly trying to make up for other people's mistakes

it doesn't make much sense to scream
that I want my childhood back
I'm eighteen now, is it really over so soon?
I'm not ready for that, I don't want to live in the real world

I want time to stop, give me some time to catch up
I still have to remember to say I'm eighteen when my brain hasn't moved on from sixteen
I'm praying to God for help more and more,
I'm trying so hard to stay faithful
I'm trying so hard to survive in this world

my brain remembers grades by the people who left me after them. the girls who switched schools, the ones who didn't want to acknowledge I still existed

they were always better friends in my head than they were in person. I feel bad now, because everything they said and did has rerun through my mind too late to apply the lessons I learned, so I doubt my relationships now, my mind unable to accept that any of them will stay by my side after this year

sometimes I wonder if it's my fault. am I not a good conversationalist? do I ask the wrong questions? I'm sorry if I was not meant to remember the little details of our talks. I'm sorry if the days my mind shut down were the days you needed me the most.

you don't have to say it's okay
I'm too scared to ask for reassurance
I'm too scared to start conversations, or sometimes I forget
I'm sorry if that's the reason we're not as good of friends as I wish

don't worry about me, I'll pass it all off with a laugh. my anxiety? no big deal. abandonment issues? not me. undiagnosed disorders? I don't have a doctors note. I'm perfectly fine with whatever as long as you'll stick around

these are my days, this is my life
i'm almost six months into eighteen now.
i still don't know what "adult" feels like
but the days i spend uncomfortable in my own skin are getting outnumbered by the days i feel oh so good