am i allowed to cry
for someone i don't know
and never will

am i allowed to shed a tear
for someone i can't see
or call by name

am i allowed to ache?
can i hurt?
can i cry?

can i truly be the oldest
if i'm only the oldest one alive?

all my life i've let people guide me along
but in my heart i've always wanted them there
that older sibling, the person i dreamed of,
died before i was even a thought

i let people in my life
i let them come and go
they all seem to do so

but still i find myself in a dream
of that wide smile looking down at me
of the arms surrounding me
of the person, the people tied to me by blood

all i find, is the question of my existence—
am i allowed cry?

the first post in this book of poetry. a very personal one that I've rewritten since the first time that i put these feelings to paper, but nonetheless it still means a lot to me