since i was small, since before i stood at five feet tall, i did my best to never be alone.

always with a friend, always with a smile, always looking for chance to be helpful of play along.

my younger self didn't miss the birthday invitations that never came. my younger self didn't know how many sleepovers she wasn't invited to. little me didn't hurt to know that she was always a friend, but never the one.

friends came and went. that little girl didn't know they were all leaving her behind when they switched schools. she didn't realize that leaving school wasn't the only way people would leave her behind.

from the ones who only pretended to like her to the circles of friends that could never fit a new person in to the friends she made that didn't want to keep her to the struggle she found to fit in. they put her in advanced classes, praised her for being quiet; she became so scared to raise her voice, be anything else than what was expected, destined to be forgotten.

there went the next friend and the next one after that. there was the friend group she thought would last without realizing they were already hanging out without her. there was the team she thought would be forever that shortly fell apart, a couch ruining her fun and her teammates couldn't understand that she was being left out.

then came the friend she thought would do no wrong. her first continuous sleepovers, the very weekends hanging out. the laughs, the fun, the honesty between them. she could finally be herself, the weirdo who'd always been hiding, scared that people would run.

then came the friend from the team long ago, the one she had always loved the most. reconnecting was easy, laughing like air. a half of her she could never disagree with, the one who helped her really grow.

a couple pairs of friends became a group of three. tight knit and loving, tied together by a girlhood like none would believe. sleepovers turned into parties, vacations became group affairs. parents became friends, houses became homes.

then the friend who couldn't do wrong did. the heartbreak shattering that little girl from long ago so quickly. feelings raged, emotions torn. she was supposed to be in our corner, so why was she spreading rumors about me? anxiety came quickly, that shaky feeling, the knowledge now that people leave so easily.

i guess i was never meant for friend groups after all. that season of life had an odd effect on me. that friend from the team so long ago stuck by my side. years of days with both of us didn't change her stance on me, and we both lost a friend the day our friend turned her back on me.

I found more friends, spread my circle more. but sleepovers stopped, parties seemed not to exist anymore, hangouts happened without me, group chats I would never be a part of. but i had learned how to smile, how to play the part: always a friend, never the friend after all.

little me didn't know what was happening when people left us behind.

that part of me that screamed to stop understanding can finally be at peace.

no, we don't have a friend group now.

but we have found the love of friends again. we found that sometimes a friend group isn't a good thing. we found that it's okay not to be invited, and to enjoy every second of the events where you are. be the friend you want to be, not the one they treat you like.

that friend we've cherished from that team is still cherished now. she's never left your side, even if she's found a friend group now. but it's filled with drama, that i can tell. and i can see the sadness on her face when she talks of how she wishes she could host their parties so she could invite more people. that's always been her heart.

but I'm comfortable now with where i am. I don't need everyone to like me. I don't need to be invited to everything. that friend I love so much is still at my side through everything. she takes my side as much as I take hers; her mom my second mom. I've accepted that I only get invited to events with her friend group depending on who's hosting, I know which ones are really my friends too now. I still smile, still laugh. I know boundaries now and how they're earned. I have friends in different circles, conversations with people who used to not know I existed. I'm friends with the girl who hurt me those few short years ago. we've had sleepovers again and I know what boundaries to have now. there's also the girl who always smiles, the people I hug at every party and dance, the friends I've made backstage, the ones I'll forever hug in the hallways, the kids I'll miss when I graduate in May.

I'm always a friend, never the friend...

at least for most people in my life that's the truth. instead of being afraid of losing what I have, I appreciate them more now. I stay myself, stay kind, stay loving. my arms are for them, my mind to bring them peace. I don't need to be the friend, just a friend that's good.

i'm happier than i've ever been, even staring the insta posts in the face.

they don't define me or my relationships with those I love.

people speak in more ways than from their lips.

and I'm not a master of that language, but whether I'm a friend or the friend, me?

I'm not changing.