May 18, 2016

The canvas sat abandoned next to Atticus, blank. The paint bottles were never opened. The brush was dry. He closed his eyes and sighed, leaning against the fence that was bound to one day leave a splinter in his back.

He hadn't talked to Jake since last Sunday, and he knew the younger man would hop the fence when he got home. Atticus had been caught up in work the entire week, staying in his office late into the night and having to go back only a few hours after finally getting to bed. The court hours were long, and he was exhausted, barely able to keep his thoughts in order. And the short doses of freedom he did have? Maybe he was avoiding the truth. That's how Chris referred to it. What truth Chris was talking about, exactly, Atticus wasn't completely sure. Some of it was buried so deep that even if he wanted to, he wouldn't be able to dig it out. Six feet deep, precisely. 

It was a Wednesday in mid-May, so the weather was warm, and the flowers were in full bloom. He finished his work the night before and slept until three in the afternoon. He didn't want to do everything again the next day. He was tired of all of it. Work. Life. People. 

His hand pressed against his thigh through his jeans, and he gulped at the pain of the cut under his fingertips. It wasn't deep enough to scar, but he still knew it was there. It only stopped bleeding an hour ago.

He heard a car door open and shut and then footsteps on the other side of the fence. He didn't open his eyes, even when Jake was sitting next to him. Jake reached over and prodded Atticus's cheek with his finger.

"I know you aren't asleep," Jake mused.

"I could be," Atticus muttered, crossing his arms and looking over.

Jake smiled. "Hi, green eyes."

"You are not calling me that," Atticus replied halfheartedly.

"Fine," Jake sighed. "But I haven't seen you in a while. How was lawyering?"

"Lawyering?" Atticus questioned, raising an eyebrow. "Are you sticking with that?"

"Yes," Jake said with a smirk. "Lawyering. Google it. It's a word. I speak English."

Atticus rolled his eyes. "I was in court all week and doing paperwork all night. How was your week?"

"Pretty good, actually."

"Why, because I wasn't around?"

Jake scoffed and took Atticus's hand, prying it from his grip on his elbow. There was a flicker of amusement in his eyes.

"Don't be like that." Jake took Atticus's cell phone from where it was shoved in his front pocket. "Even one day without your sarcasm is too long."

"What're you doing?"

"Putting my number in," Jake stated as though it was obvious. "So when you're feeling sarcastic, you can call me instead of torturing the rest of America." Jake handed Atticus his phone back and leaned against his side. "I like talking to you."

Atticus lazily shoved his phone back in his pocket. For once, he wasn't interested in an argument. Conflict, while satisfying, took the back burner. 

"Would you be mad if I fell asleep right now?" Atticus asked, eyes closing again.

"No," Jake whispered. "You seem tired. Do you want me to leave?"

"You don't have to," Atticus muttered. He didn't want Jake to go, but he didn't want to beg him to stay, either. "I don't care what you do."

"Then I'll put up with you."

Jake reached a hand up and pushed down on Atticus's shoulder to get him to lay his head on his lap. Atticus rested his cheek on one of Jake's thighs and reached up to hold onto his knee. Jake's fingers went into Atticus's hair, and he sighed. Atticus's heart was beating faster, and he squeezed the younger man's knee, rubbing his thumb against the black denim of his jeans.

"Are you sure this is okay?" he whispered into Jake's leg.

"I'm sure," Jake replied, fingers busy brushing through Atticus's thick blond hair.

Atticus wanted to ask "Won't your boyfriend mind?" but he didn't say anything. As selfish as it was, he didn't want Jake to think about his boyfriend.

Atticus eventually let his eyes fall shut, lips twisted in an uneasy frown. Jake gently traced Atticus's pout with his fingertip. He moved his hand down to Atticus's stomach, feeling his slow, steady breaths. Jake brushed his thumb against the lawyer's cheek. Atticus looked significantly less like a jerk when his facade was gone.

Jake leaned his head back on the fence and closed his eyes. "Fucking hell," he breathed.

They both needed a friend, but Atticus didn't want anyone. He didn't think he deserved anyone. And Jake had a boyfriend. The boyfriend that was trying to call.

Jake inwardly groaned when he saw the caller ID, but he answered the phone, anyway. He couldn't ignore Nick forever.

"Hey," he whispered, trying not to wake up the blond who never truly slept.

"Hey. You should come over tonight," Nick suggested.

"I'm kind of busy."

"What?"

Atticus quirked the side of his lip.

"You heard me. Now's not a good time. I gotta—"

"Since when have you ever been busy? You don't do anything. Why don't I just go hang out with Ryan, instead?"

Jake's sharp intake of breath was enough to make Atticus risk opening an eye. "Why do you need to go to him?" Jake chastised. He bit down on his lip. "He's a horrible influence."

"Because you're pathetic. You've been messing around on me, haven't you? Or did he kick you back down to the curb already?"

"I'm not messing around. I think relationships require some sort of faithfulness, don't you?" If Jake was paying any attention, he would have noticed the scoff threatened on Atticus's lips.

"You're the one who's too busy all of a sudden to give me attention. You're cheating more than I am."

"I'm not. And just because I'm not---"

"You're doing the exact same thing. When you stop being a whiny bitch, maybe things will work out. It's not my fault that you're a sorry excuse for---"

Jake hung up on him, tears welled up in his eyes. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, and his breath caught in his throat.

"Are you crying?"

Jake looked down at Atticus, whose green eyes were opened to look up at him.

"N-No."

Atticus slowly sat up and moved to Jake's side. He shrugged a shoulder and let his response be the gentle gust of wind.

"It's nothing," Jake quipped. "I'll be fine."

Atticus hesitantly reached out to brush away Jake's tears. Jake wrapped his arms around Atticus's waist and hugged him. It took Atticus a minute to hug back, but as soon as he did, Jake was holding on tighter and crying into his shoulder.

Atticus didn't really know what to do. No one ever needed him. He wasn't the one people went to. He rubbed Jake's back, trying to calm him down. Jake was always so happy and bubbly. Atticus didn't think the sadness looked good on him.

Jake sighed against the lawyer's neck, breath hot and steady.

"You're fine, right?"

"Yeah," Jake muttered, pulling back and wiping his eyes, ridding them of the last of his tears. "I'm used to it." He leaned back on the fence and sighed again. "Don't you have a girlfriend or boyfriend or something?"

Atticus almost laughed. "I feel like we've had this discussion."

Jake's expression flashed with rejection. Atticus noticed. Of course he did. Atticus leaned back and let his eyes close again. Jake reached over and poked Atticus's cheek like he did earlier.

"Don't ignore me."

"I'm not ignoring you. I'm being tired."

"Be tired later. Or I'll just have to be tired with you."

Atticus smirked and chanced a sideways glance at his. . . God, he had no idea. Simply calling Jake an acquaintance was cheapening.

Jake smiled. There was barely any evidence that he had been crying. Atticus wondered how easy it was for him to repress his emotions. But how much was ever truly repression?

Jake laid down with his back in the grass, and his head resting on Atticus's lap. Atticus felt panic in his gut, like Jake would be able to tell through his jeans that he was cut and scarred. Jake looked up, catching Atticus's eyes.

"Something wrong?" Jake asked, staring up at him with his big, innocent brown eyes. They almost made Atticus want to tell the truth.

"No, nothing's wrong," Atticus said, trying to plaster on a smile.

He cupped Jake's cheek in his hand, and Jake smiled, closing his eyes and leaning into Atticus's touch. The lawyer knew Jake would like that. He didn't fell comfortable earlier himself until the younger man's fingers were running through his hair and caressing his cheek. It was always a struggle for Atticus to relax, but Jake being there made it easier. He thought it was just because someone was there to distract him. The gentle hand playing with his hair gave him something better to focus on. A beautiful distraction.

Jake glanced up at Atticus, eyes slowly fluttering open. There was nothing Atticus wanted to do more right then and there than kiss the beautiful man looking up at him, but he thought better of it and settled for gently rubbing his cheek with his thumb. He didn't know what Jake was doing to him. He didn't want to feel anything for him. Atticus rarely wanted to feel anything. Be anything.

Atticus accidentally brushed his thumb against the corner of Jake's soft pink lips. Jake's glazed eyes said that he wanted to bite Atticus's thumb and take it between his lips. Atticus hesitated, but then he ran his thumb against Jake's smooth bottom lip. Jake parted his lips, making Atticus move his hand away.

Atticus wanted to say that it was wrong. Jake had a boyfriend. He didn't know what he was asking for. But instead, he just went back to running his fingers against Jake's lips. The only thing running through his mind was that friends didn't do that. If they even were friends.

"Is it easy to fall out of love?" Jake asked suddenly.

Atticus set his hand back on Jake's cheek, trying to process where exactly that question came from. "I honestly don't know," he said. "What do you mean, exactly?"

"Like when you've been in a relationship for a while and it feels like, all of a sudden, there's nothing really there. Or, maybe, you were in love at one point, or at least thought you were, but it slowly started fading and you didn't notice until the relationship fell apart and you realized you didn't care."

"You don't love him," Atticus stated. 

Jake countered, "Have you ever been in love?"

He sighed. "No. I mean, I said it once before, but I don't think I ever meant it." His thumb nervously traced Jake's jaw. "But I also wasn't trying to mean it."

"Do you want to fall in love?"

"Something like that?" Atticus shook his head and looked up at the blue sky. "You have to deserve it, first." He sighed again and tapped Jake's lips with his finger. "I should go."

Jake sat up and kissed Atticus's cheek. Atticus's eyes widened, and when Jake looked back at him, he didn't know what to say. Jake smiled. Atticus wanted to kiss him. Hold him close and refuse to let go.  But Atticus stood and looked away. Jake got up and reached out to take Atticus's hand.

"See you later, babe?"

Atticus smirked and glanced back at him. Jake's cheeks immediately turned a gentle pink. Atticus spoke before Jake had a chance to back-peddle.

"When did I acquire that?"

The horror in Jake's eyes was punishment enough. "I wasn't going to. . ." he stammered.

"Do you call your boyfriend that?"

"I've never called anyone that."

Atticus clicked his tongue. "You're wasting it then. Bye, Jacob." He pulled his hand from Jake's grasp and walked away.

Jake watched his shoes walk away with downcast eyes. He cracked his knuckles before jumping back over the barrier between them.