The wind was in my hair, and I inhaled the early morning crispy breeze of the winter that was approaching. As I rode back, closer to the school grounds, my serenity was gone. A certain dark-haired, green-eyed male who I happened share a nose with, was cross-armed standing in the barn as I arrived back. 

"Morning Brother," I said, with a smile. It is quite rare for either one of us to show a hint of emotion, so he knew I was being Sarcastic. I was off the black-coated horse, and was walking towards him, his jaw tensing even tighter if that were possible. 

"Lucy Rose Bradford, you do not leave your room, without telling anyone anything, at the first light of morning."

"Well, Eleanor is hungover from last night so she was out cold, and I didn't want to wake up Dillon because she's got a test this morning and you know how she gets."

"I don't care for excuses, why didn't you come past Cromwell then," he argued. Cromwell was the boys' boarding house which was practically on the other side of the school. "You know you can wake me up to let me know where you're going." I rolled my eyes at him. 

"Yes, because you get worried if I am a step outside of where I should be. What do you think is going to happen Gray?" I raised my voice slightly and a hint if our fathers temper flashed through his features, but he took a deep breath and his face relaxed. Or relaxed to his usual tensed countenance. 

"Just leave a note."

"You're right I'm sorry," I said, removing my padding. 

We began the path that lead back to the ground and I nudged him, "lighten up."

"It's too early."

"It is already 7, breakfast is in all but an hour," I said as we stopped, needing to go into opposite directions. 

"Yes, and I will sleep until that very moment."

"Alright well I'll see you in the hall."

"You might not, I heard you say that Eleanor was hungover, I'd like to avoid that."

"Oh shove it, when will you two get along?"

"When we get our certificates," he said, a slight tug on the corner of his mouth before he walked off. That was a smile for him. 

I began my way to Windsor house, the girls' boarding house. Being in our 12th year, with one year to go has got us ignoring the barbaric ideals of boarding Private schools. In fact I've grown to really like this place. Especially Windsor house. It was the oldest building in our pretentious school which was called, Alexandria Lunetta Academy. 

Alexandria was the last name of a woman named Sophia, she was greek and fell in love with Alessandro Lunetta, an Italian man. Together they founded this school near the Scottish Highlands in Aviemore in the 1700s. It isn't a popular school as the founders are not of the United Kingdom, but it was still just as pompous. I adore an old-fashioned love story. 

I arrived back at Windsor, glad to not have run into any Professors lurking the grounds early. I went up the large staircase to the commons where I met another staircase leading to the dormitories. I went into my room, which I shared with my two friends, Eleanor and Dillon. 

"Morning Luce," Dillon exclaimed with her usual warm smile. Her wavy copper hair was up in her ballet-bun, and she was wearing her exercise tights and sports bra. "Did you go horse-riding again?"

"Yes, but this morning I was caught by Graham."

"Oh, no. He gave you one didn't he," she said sipping the last of her tea before placing the mug in the sink of our kitchenette. 

"Yeah, but it's alright, it's getting colder now so I'll probably stop heading out so early."

"Good."

"Is Len awake?" I asked.

"Absolutely not, she is completely unconscious."

"And I assume you're nervous for your Economics test first period, which is why you're awake."

"Well, obviously. I should revise actually." I put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"Dillon, please, go have a hot shower, relax. That's the best thing you can do for the test. You have studied plenty." 

"Alright," she said, heading for her room, "I'll meet you out here to go to breakfast then. Oh, and I'm not waking her up," she added before closing her door. I deep breathed before starting for the door that resided between mine and Dillons' room. 

I knocked once. Nothing. So I opened the door and went over to side of her bed which was a complete mess from her erratic slumber.

"Len?" Nothing. "Eleanor? Wake up." Still nothing. I pulled the covers down and there was finally movement and the usual scowl that resided on her face. "Eleanor Marie Hamilton, you must get up and get dressed." She groaned and I lifted her up so she was sitting. 

"You have a stage management class first period, then after that you've got acting class and after school you have rehearsals." I went to the kitchen and got her a glass of water and brought it to her. "Alright, open your eyes." She saw and smiled, gulping down the water. 

"Gosh, you are just a sight to see."

"Yeah, yeah, get ready," I turned for the door.

"Your butt looks good in your riding pants." 

"Uhuh, you've got half an hour." 

I went to my room now and showered so I didn't smell like horse. It was getting cold now, so I wore tights under my brown pleated school skirt and paired it with a cream wool turtleneck sweater. I put on wooly socks and my loafers and headed into the bathroom. I put on mascara and a peachy tinted balm, then I brushed through my hair and walked out. 

I grabbed my book bag, making sure my laptop was in there and headed out to our living area. I was the first one finished so I took a book out of my bag and sat on the couch, waiting. 

Dillon came out of her room in a fitted sage green cardigan, with a cream overcoat and the shared school skirt with white tights, along with clean white sneakers. She always reminded me of a Disney princess, so sweet and petite. 

"What book is Luce reading this week?" I smiled, raising the front cover to her. 

"Ah, she is reading the picture of Dorian Gray. Again," she said fixing her headband. 

"We need to take that book away from her," Eleanor said as she barged out of her room with sunglasses on. She was wearing the skirt, an untucked shirt that was tight around the bust and her infamous red leather jacket. She had one ear bud in and the long chord flayed around connecting to her iPod in the pocket of her jacket. Eleanor reminded me of a rockstar, confident and curvy. 

"You will not touch it."

"Alright, I'm hungry and I need a smoke so lets get outside,"Eleanor groaned, putting on sunglasses to hide her state. Dillon and I chuckled as we got up, all of us carrying our book bags heading down to our year levels' hall for breakfast.

As soon as we stepped out of Windsor house Len took out a cigarette and lit it up after looking around to check if the coast was clear. 

We arrived at the hall, majority of our year level already there and went to sit with the other half of our friend group, my brother included, on one of the many tables. 

"Ah, so you decided to come," I teased and he scowled. Having put out her smoke before coming in, Eleanor sat next to Blake who was vaping through his sleeve. He - like always - dressed however he liked. Black rock shirt over a long sleeve with brown pants and sneakers. His clothes always looked loose-fitting because of his lanky figure. 

"I cannot believe Blake is alive at such an ungodly hour, gimme," she said her hands out like a five year old about to get ice-cream. He smirked up at her, his messy platinum hair hanging over his sunken grey eyes - bloodshot - and his pale, hollow skin looking like he hasn't had a meal. Ever. 

"I like this here," he teased in his usual charming demeanour, "you wanting something from me, desperate, begging."

"Oh, shut up you sicko and give me a puff."

"Disgusting you two," Cohen added, ending his in-depth conversation with Graham which was most likely about lacrosse. 

"That's rich coming from you," I said and he turned to me with a smirk and wide eyes. Probably because I don't usually have opinions. Well, out loud. I'm an observer, like my brother, but in a less intimidating way. 

"Little rosy posy here called me out," he teased, using a nickname only he and my brother knew about. This was because my brother, Cohen and I grew up together and he happened to be there when my mother made that nickname. An unfortunate occurrence. 

Us three are very close, however, my brother and Cohen have become more like twins as we've gotten older than my brother and me, who actually are twins. 

"Yes, because you smoke just as much as they do," I added and both Eleanor and Blake chuckled, knowing that it was true. 

"We all have our vices, yours is still yet to be determined. It surely can't be those books you carry around everywhere. Maybe horse riding but I think you enjoy that for different reasons." Eleanor and Blake looked at each other and Dillon who never gets involved, looked up from her plate of fruit. I was about to come out with another remark but my brother got involved like always. 

He nudged him hard in the arm, "mate, come on, shut the fuck up."

"It was just a joke, you know I love you Luce."

"Mhm." He ruffled my hair playfully, and put his arm around me hugging me close to him. My body hid in his tall muscular body. I nudged out of him and fixed my hair. "Yes, yes, I know, you love me, just don't play with my hair you know I don't like it."

"Ah, well that's why I do it." They all got back to eating, and Dillon gave me a warm smile, seeing if I was okay. I smiled back, assuring her I was fine. After all I've dealt with this crap for almost two decades. 

I got my book out of my bag and opened it to the page I was on, then my brother snatched the book out of my hands. I went to yell because he would lose the page, but he showed me him putting the playing card I used as a bookmark back in the page, closing the book. 

"Why did you take my book?" He looked down at my untouched plate of food and then back up at me. "Not hungry." A muscle in his jaw flickered and I felt another pair of eyes on me.

"I thought this stopped," Cohen said softly so no one else on the table heard. His usual asshole manner was gone, as he looked genuinely concerned and worried, which was rare for him. "Is it bad like last time? Do you want me-"

"No," I interrupted, "I'm fine." Both Cohen and my brother went to protest but someone approached our table and all six of us glanced to them. I was relieved that the tall, dark, curly-haired boy interrupted. 

"Hey, Is it alright if I talk to Luce?" He said, smiling down at me.

"No," my brother said coldly. 

"Why is he calling you Luce?" Cohen added.

"Because he is my partner for an oral presentation in Lit class."

"Oral?" Cohen repeated, furious. I stood up and snatched my book back, putting in may bag. 

"Both of you shove off. Bradley and I planned to go over our speech for the presentation first period, so I'll see you guys at lunch."

"You didn't tell me," my brother said. 

"You haven't finished eating, sit down," added Cohen. I looped my arm around Bradleys and walked us away, I gave my brother and Cohen a wave as they both looked at me seething.

Once we were safely out of the hall I un-looped our arms and exhaled. 

"They're... protective," he added, not sure if he was overstepping. 

"They're assholes," I said bluntly and he chuckled. We walked to the outside of the English building and sat on a table outside. I got out my laptop, which had our speech on it and I put it in the middle of the table so we could both see. 

"So, how was your weekend?" I asked, paying attention to him now. He was the only person I spoke to in my Classic Literature class, and we sit together now, both of us not familiar to anyone else in the class. 

He was very sweet, and a little weird which was why, I assumed, no one else liked him. Me, I had too much social anxiety to be anyone's friend. The only reason I became friends with Eleanor, Blake and Dillon was because I've lived with Eleanor and Dillon since the beginning of high school and Blake has lived with Cohen and my brother. So I had to be friends with them. Lucky I like them.

"My weekend was pretty boring actually. My roommates went to a party so I was bored," he said. 

"Ah, so they were victims of the rager last night," I joked. 

"Did you go?" He asked.

"No, but my friend Eleanor did."

"Oh, Hamilton, yeah she's at every party." 

"She loves parties because of the music, she's impartial to the alcohol also," he laughed.

"So how was your weekend?"

"Boring as well. I studied mostly, and read."

"For school or for pleasure?" He questioned.

"Pleasure."

"Well, I guess that makes sense seen as how you major in English." He turned to the laptop now and brought it closer to us. "We should get to work before class starts."

"Right, um, we just needed to read through it once more and make any edits necessary."

"Well we've finished it early. It's due Friday," he said, scrolling on the document. "Why did you lie about the presentation being today?"

"They wouldn't have let me go with you otherwise."

"Why not?"

"Like you said before, they're protective and I hadn't finished my breakfast. But I ate back at my dorm so it was fine. Anyway, let's get to it," I said, looking at the laptop. 

The reason they were so pressed about me not eating is because I have a disorder stemmed from my mental health issues. I struggle with depression and anxiety which lead to me not eating much. Some days I'd just have a tea at breakfast and that was it. 

It started when I was thirteen so only Cohen and Gray know. But I didn't know why it was happening again. Then again I didn't know why it happened the first time. 

<><><><><><><>

I finished up with horse-riding and as I headed back to Windsor I saw Dillon coming back from her ballet class. 

"Oh hey, is Len still at rehearsals?" She asked.

"I think so, she usually finishes late. Do you want to go watch?"

"Yeah," we started for the drama building. "What play are they doing?"

"I think Pygmalion."

"I like that one. Isn't it about like beauty and stuff?"

"Sort of. The play pivots around the idea that life is too pragmatic to believe in the falsification of utopianism. It's also the journey of a lower class woman about alienation and her problem with belongingness. 

"But ultimately it's a comedy because even though she is lower class compared to the upper class man that is trying to help upraise her, she is more intelligent and capable than he is."

"Did you write it?" She joked. We had already walked into the drama building, and I didn't even notice from being too lost in the explanation of the play. 

"I've read it, actually. It's one of my favourites."

"I feel like everything you read is one of your favourites." She mocked. 

"Not necessarily. I didn't like the Twilight books, the movies however," I joked and she laughed. We went to the theatre, hearing Eleanor rehearsing. We sat near the front and watched her. 

"Here, all I can smell is horse." Dillon handed me her perfume, and I sprayed it over my clothes.

"Thanks." 

It was early in productions so there were no props or costumes and everyone was still holding a script. By watching, I'd guessed they were still at the beginning. Or maybe just running through a scene one more time. Eleanor came into view now and for a moment I didn't recognise her. She was still in her untucked shirt and she looked like Eleanor, but with the cockney accent and her wide eyes I recognised her as Eliza Doolittle.

"Oh, sir, don't let him charge me. They don't know what it means to me. They'll- They'll take away me character and drive me on the streets, for- for speaking to gentlemen!" 

Although she drank and partied, overslept and did the bare minimum for school work, when she was on that stage, she wasn't Eleanor Marie Hamilton. She was unequivocally and wholeheartedly the character she was playing, and I admired her deeply. Plus, as an added bonus I got to see my favourite characters brought to life. 

"Alright, well done students, next rehearsal is Wednesday, don't be late! I want to try and run it through without scripts."

We waved to Len, and she smiled up at us. She went backstage for a moment and came back with her jacket on and her bag.

"Hey guys, what'd you think?"

"You're so good Len," Dillon exclaimed. 

"You are truly remarkable. I think this one is my favourite one yet," I gave her a real smile and she paused walking and smiled back. 

"Now that smile of yours is what's remarkable." 

As we headed for the doors Eleanor hastily took out a smoke and lit it up.

<><><><><><><>

We all showered and headed down to the common area to study. I gave up and was reading my book as well as Eleanor who had her head flat on the table listening to music. It was playing so loud in her earphones that I could hear it faintly. Dillon however was typing away. I closed my book and rubbed my eyes. 

"Hey, I'm just going to get some fresh air. I'll be back," I said to Dillon and she nodded. 

I grabbed my coat which was a brown trench and I went downstairs to get outside. I walked along the path that took you away from the grounds and too a forest that resided south of the school. There was a slight hill and when you sat on the peak of it, you could look down at the school. I've always walked here whenever I needed to get away, to step back from everything.

On my walk up I saw someone, and I was almost going to start heading back when they called out.

"Lucy?!" I turned, walking closer, seeing a familiar tall brown-haired male. 

"Cohen?'

"Yeah," he replied and I reached him, joining him on the ground. "What are you doing out here? It's almost completely dark," he asked. 

"I needed some air. What are you doing out here?"

"I needed some air," he said, smiling down at me; even sitting he was practically a foot taller. "So, about breakfast, I'm sorry for being a wank."

"It's alright, I was being a little bitchy too."

"I deserved it." We both turned to stare out into the view. "So, are you and that guy dating?" 

"No, we really do have presentation together."

"But he definitely likes you."

"We're just friends."

"I don't buy it."

"It doesn't matter anyway."

"Yes it does," he argued. "He doesn't deserve you. If I so much as flicked him on the arm he would fall over."

"That doesn't measure if he is worthy enough to deserve me."

"It does in my book." 

I was going to say something lame like, well I don't want to read your book, but I settled on deep breathing. "Forget it, I don't want to argue."

"Then I shouldn't bring up eating, or the lack thereof."

"Was that meant to be funny."

"Absolutely not," he said, beginning to get irritated. "What's going on?'

"Nothing," I protested, standing up. He stood up after me, looking worried as I started to pace back and forth. "Okay maybe something, I don't know! I have no idea what's wrong with me, I just feel something inside me, gnawing and festering and I don't know where it came from and I don't know how to stop it or control it. I don't even know what it is!" I started to panic, and I couldn't breathe.

"Hey, hey, it's alright Luce, there's nothing wrong with you. You're perfect. Just breathe okay, everything's going to be fine." I stopped pacing and my knees gave way as I fell to the floor. He dropped in front of me and raised my chin to him. "Hey, look at me okay, look at my eyes. What colour are they?'

"Brown," I said shakily.

"Good, that's good Luce. Now I want you to try and breathe for me." He inhaled and exhaled and I tried to mimic what he was doing. "Good girl, okay now start at one hundred and begin subtracting 3, out loud for me okay."

"One hundred, ninet- ninety-seven," I managed to choke out. 

"Keep going, just like that, you're doing amazing."

"Ninety-four, ninety- one, eighty-eight, eighty-five," my breathing was back to normal and the weight on my chest subsided. I took a few more deep breaths and looked at him as he helped me stand. "How do you remember the procedure for my panic attacks, you were only there once, and it wasn't compulsory for you." My family was required to learn, my brother was always the one to help me. It was because I was in my room all the time and he's room was next to mine. 

"I memorised it, just in case, and look where it got me. I am very intelligent," I laughed. "It wasn't a joke, although hearing you laugh is music to my ears."

"We should head back."

"Do you want to talk about anything?"

"No, not really."

"That's okay, whenever you want to talk or rant, I'm here." I went high on my tippy toes and wrapped my arms around him as he hugged me back protectively. The hug broke off and he looked down at me, wanting to say something. 

"Spit it out."

"No, it's nothing."

"Just because I'm fragile doesn't mean you need to keep things from me. Just tell me, you can talk to me you know." He closed his eyes and took a sharp inhale. 

"Hmm, okay." He looked around, trying to find the words. "I wanted to tell you um," he paused again and then he shook his head, "it's nothing I just wanted to say that I'm here for you, like always."

"Yeah, you said that, and I know, thank you." He smiled and then guided us back.