Someday when I'm left at the edge of the world alone
I might miss you yeah

Someday when I'm tamed to the edge of sadness

I might regret at the end

I'm going to go back to the way I came from, black

The summer when you and I were hot, it's been too long

................

Seoul, South Korea

Jennie's POV

Today, Alexei had just returned home from his 3 months trip from Moscow, and after just a week the other coaches asks him again to go with them ,this time in Japan for a new Season.

Nowadays, we hardly spend time with each other due to his job, while me focusing reviewing for the upcoming college entrance exams this year.

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"I have already prepared some dishes so you can reheat it, arraseo? And also don't forget to take your medicines and your regular check up. Don't open the door to strangers and also I had instructed your home tutor to assist you from time to time. Keep your Phones with you always so I can contact you anytime and please Jennie, take care of yourself. And also..... Are you even listening? " Alexei says while prepearing his things for the flight tonight.

"For the nth time Alexei, I know what to do and yes I will take care of myself so don't worry a lot about me and focus to the season, arraseo?" I said to him, trying to reassure him.

"I'm sorry Jennie, If I had a choice I don't really want to part with you..." Alexei sadly says.

"Oppa, Kwenchana, don't you remember that I'm used to this?" I said to him.

"I know but let me worry about you and I don't even know how long I could be away from you. But always remember Jennie, that you're not alone okay? I may not be always present around you but I will always be there for you, just one call from you and I won't hesitate to come back for you, arrasseo? You will always be a family to me " Alexei suddenly says, then he hugged me comfortingly.

I know that Alexei really want to quit his job because of this but I pushed him to still do his job because I know that he loves mentoring students to the ice skating field although I know that he will always be far away from me. Moreover, I'm going to start college this year, in abroad, still depends on where I get pass. So we might really see each other less.

"Good luck on your exams, jennie-ahh, call me whenever you needed" Alexei says as he bid me goodbye.

"Good Luck to the competition, Oppa, I'll root for your team!" I cheered back then tried to happily bid him goodbye so that he won't worry about me.

After he left, I made myself busy by studying my notes then went to sleep after.

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For a couple of months, I just spend my time, either at home or at the coffee shop or shopping in a high-end mall.

Sometimes, I do exercises routines that I practiced when I was an athlete. On weekdays, I would either study at home with my tutors, after that I would spend time with Mrs. Kim. Then at weekends, I would just deluxe myself to shop or just enjoy walking around, doing random sketches about their daily lives or places I went.

And that's how my daily cycle of life. Oh before I forget, I've been listening to kpop musics and it also became one of my interests and hobby of mine. I guess I got it from watching BTS.

Speaking of BTS, I've been their low-key fan who would always send random gifts thru their manager or Bang PD. I still hides my identity to them and I have been contented watching them afar, while the were slowly rising up their popularity. The embarrassing incident I had with Jimin was long forgotten although, Mrs. Kim was the only one who knows about it, that sometime she teases me more often whenever I came to her shop.

Its already a year since I had retired and also the good news is, the media had stopped showing my faces on news, nor there are no fake news about my whereabouts, I guess people do get tired running after me.

I felt great relief and freedom when no one was talking about me anymore. Others might want popularity, stardom or great achievements, but for me, I guess I just want to become a regular girl, who's studying for exams, free to do what she wants, sometimes when there's nothing much to do, I could be lazy and just watch TV shows or movies, there's no pressures from coaches and the country, no strict diets to follow, and no criticisms from medias and especially no paparazzi that spies on me.

I want to experience a lot of things actually, I want to learn new things, meet new people, or do the things I have never done since childhood but there's always a barrier that stops me from exploring the world, and that is my ANXIETY.

I had met a lot of doctors, psychologists who tries to help me open up, tries to help me to recover, but no one had actually helped me. Their therapies and medications that I takes in where only making me forget for a short time, but there will always be an exchange for this kind of medications that was making it worse for me, so I stopped.

I had a lot of things to fear with. And in my mind, I am aware that, there's a little bit part of my brain that is spreading like a poison, creating a prison and it's making me sick, fear, and sad.

And I don't want to become the person that I am becoming with, I don't want to be the girl who is sick, weak, afraid, pathetic and lonely.

Today, I just finished getting my therapy from my physical injuries and the doctors have said that I got improved and I was getting recovered which made me little happy, however, the doctor tasked me to go to Dr. Park as he wants to talk something with me. So I went there, nervous and worried.

*Knock* Knock

"Come in", the doctor says.

I entered nervously while the doctor welcomes me warmly. I was getting a little bit of panic on why am I being called on, and worried on what I may have done. My thought were cut down when the doctor finally says something.

"Jennie-ssi? Don't get to worried okay? You have nothing to fear with me, Let me Introduce myself first, My name is Dr. Jeon Park, Doctor of Neurology and I also specializes in Psychiatry" the doctor introduced.

Then he continues; "As a Psychiatrist, I have a deep understanding of physical and mental health - and how they affect each other. I help people with mental health conditions such as schizophrenia, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, eating disorders and addiction. Before I get started, I make a diagnosis and work with you to develop a management plan for your treatment and recovery that could help you to your everyday life. I also provide a psychological treatment, prescribe medications and do procedures such as therapies when there's a rise of needed" he ended.

For a long time, I just kept on silence, I don't know what is happening or why is he telling me all of that. I was lost, undecided, mistrustful and scared.

"I know you got lost out from what I said from the beginning, jennie, you're confused, scared and worried aren't you?" the doctor kindly asks me.

Then I just nodded, still unsure of what is happening.

"So I'll just go straight on what I've been trying to say to you jennie-ssi, I want to help you, I really want to help you, unlike the doctors that you had but I want to do my best to help you" he said to me sincerely, and I don't know why, but suddenly I got a feeling that I could trust this doctor maybe just a little bit and he was genuinely saying the truth. But I still had to ask him about my conceptions.

"Dr. Park, can I ask about how did you know about my condition? And how you get to know about me? Why are you doing this? Other therapists have gave up on me, and yet why are you reaching out to me? " I asked curiously.

"Do you remember Dr. Song? Your last therapist?" he asks me.

Then I nodded, I knew him 6 months ago. He was actually good doctor but, we suddenly stopped the therapy due to him going abroad for his medical education.

"Actually, I have been trying to reach for you a long time ago after Dr. Song told me about you, but you were really good at hiding and nobody can lead me to you. Finally, I came across to your Physical therapist doctor and asked for you." He answered.

"How can I tell if you were saying the truth?" I asked back.

Then suddenly he called someone from his phone and then handed it to me.

"Dr.Song?" I said, surprised.

"Jennie-ssi? How are you? Is Dr. Park with you? I'm sorry that I didn't get to help you so I decided to find the best doctor who could help you. You can assure that Dr. Park is someone whom you trust with, he was my friend and he could be your friend too." The man on the phone says warmly.

And then he went to hang up after the two doctors exchanges their greetings.

"So, Jennie-ssi? Would you like to do this therapy with me or not? No one's pressuring you, but I can assure you that this time, it will help you for you to continue your everyday life with less worries and fear. It may take a long time and a hard process to recover. But I will be patient and will be with you thru this process" Dr. Park sincerely said to me.

...................

30 minutes had passed and I still doesn't say anything while the doctor still patiently waiting for my answer.

And then.....

With the nod of my head, I signaled my agreement.

To take a chance and have my redemption....