Saturday, December 6th 2014

Jack stood outside the apartment building he recognised, his breath fogging in the December air. This time, he didn't hesitate. The first time, he'd bolted. But tonight, there was no room for second-guessing. No overthinking. No panic. It had to happen.

He pressed the buzzer, and after a few seconds, the door clicked open.

The hallway smelled the same—air freshener masking something older, something lived-in. Rob stood at the door frame, arms crossed over his broad chest, watching him.

'Didn't think I'd see you again,' Rob said, his voice laced with amusement.

Jack forced a smirk. 'Here I am.'

Rob stepped aside, letting him in.

Jack's chest was tight, his stomach twisting, but he ignored it. This was fine. This was normal.

He followed Rob into the kitchen, where a single glass of water was already waiting on the counter. Jack took it, drank half of it in one go. His throat was dry.

Rob leaned a hip against the counter, watching him carefully. He wasn't smirking anymore. 'You sure this time?'

Jack swallowed. He didn't answer. Instead, he moved first, closing the space between them and kissing Rob. It wasn't soft. It wasn't hesitant. It was deliberate. Rob responded instantly, hands settling on Jack's hips, fingers pressing in just enough to ground him. Jack let himself be pulled in, let himself get lost in the press of their bodies.

No second-guessing. No room for panic.

Just physical.

That was what he was telling himself, anyway.

Rob's hands traced under Jack's shirt, fingertips skimming bare skin. Jack tensed for half a second before forcing himself to relax. This was fine. This was what he wanted. They moved to the bedroom, and Jack let Rob guide him. The room was dimly lit, the bed unmade. Jack barely noticed, his pulse too loud in his ears.

He followed Rob's lead. Let himself be touched. Undressed. Exposed.

Jack hovered over Rob, his body tense, nerves thrumming beneath his skin. Rob lay beneath him, relaxed, patient, watching him with quiet reassurance. Jack exhaled sharply, trying to steady himself.

He could do this.

He was doing this.

He moved slowly at first, testing the waters, feeling the heat of Rob's body beneath him. It was different—so different—but not in a bad way. Rob's hands skimmed his back, grounding him, guiding him. Jack's breath hitched as he found a rhythm, the sensation overwhelming but strangely intoxicating.

It was intense. More than he expected. The heat of it, the way his body responded instinctively, the way Rob's hands clutched at his hips, pulling him in deeper. Jack moved cautiously at first, his muscles tight with hesitation, but soon, the uncertainty faded into something else—something raw, something electric. He found a rhythm, felt the way Rob's body responded to him, the quiet gasps, the shift of his weight beneath him.

Jack clenched his jaw, his fingers digging into the sheets, feeling something unravel deep in his gut. He kept his eyes closed, shut out the thoughts, the doubt, the meaning of what this was. His body wanted this, craved it in a way he had never experienced before, even if his mind was still catching up. It was different, it was real, and it terrified him. But for now, he let himself drown in it.

When it was over, he collapsed onto the mattress beside Rob, his heart hammering, his skin damp. He had done it. There was no turning back now.

That meant he could do this. That meant when it was Paul—when it actually mattered—he wouldn't have to be afraid.

Jack exhaled slowly, rolling onto his side.

'You alright?' Rob murmured, voice thick with sleep. 'That was nice.'

Jack smiled faintly. 'Yeah.' He shifted, glancing around the room for the first time. There was a bedside table, a lamp casting a soft glow. A few books. A wallet.

And a framed photo.

Jack's stomach turned.

It was a wedding photo. Rob and a woman—beautiful, blonde, beaming at the camera. He looked younger, but not by much. And between them—three identical little girls, no older than ten.

Jack felt something cold settle in his chest. He hadn't noticed these before. Hadn't seen them last time.

'Are you married?' His voice came out quieter than he intended.

Rob followed his gaze. He sighed, running a hand over his face. 'It's complicated.'

Jack frowned. 'What does that mean?'

Rob sat up, stretching his arms over his knees. 'It means we have an agreement. She knows.'

'Knows what?'

Rob shot him a look. 'C'mon, Eoghan. You're not stupid.'

Jack swallowed.

'She's known for a long time,' Rob admitted. 'I told her before we got married, actually. We were young. Thought it wouldn't matter.' He scoffed to himself, shaking his head. 'Then we had the girls, and, well... We made it work.'

Jack just stared at him, dumbfounded.

'She's my best friend,' Rob continued. 'The best person I know. If it weren't for her, I'd probably be dead.' Jack's throat tightened. 'But I'm not in love with her. Not the way she deserves. And she knows that. She always has.'

Jack didn't know what to say.

'I tell myself I stayed for the girls,' Rob said quietly. 'And maybe that's true. Maybe it isn't. But either way, I built this life. And now I'm stuck in it.'

Jack exhaled, running a hand through his hair.

Was this his future? The future that awaited him if he appeased his mother?

Marrying some girl back home, pushing it all down, pretending, until one day he found himself here—forty-something, lying beside a stranger, trying to fill the void?

The thought made his stomach churn.

'I'm sorry,' Jack muttered.

Rob let out a dry chuckle. 'Not your fault, fellah. Ireland was different when I was your age. We didn't have the options you do now.'

Jack stayed quiet.

Rob glanced at him, studying his face. 'You ever talk to someone about this?'

Jack frowned. 'About what?'

Rob sighed, 'based on last time, I'm guessing this is fairly new to you.' Jack nodded. 'You should go see a therapist,' Rob said simply. 'Someone who knows what they're talking about.'

Jack's pulse spiked. 'I don't need—'

'Eoghan,' Rob cut him off. 'I'm telling you—if I could go back, if I could do it over, I'd have gotten help sooner. I'd have figured it out before I dragged someone else into my mess.'

Jack looked away. Rob reached over to the bedside table, pulled something from his wallet, and handed it to Jack. A business card.

'She's good. Specialises in this kind of thing. And she's not that expensive, if that's what you're worried about.'

Jack stared at it for a long moment before shoving it into his jeans pocket.

He stood, pulling on his clothes in silence. By the time he made it to the door, he wasn't sure what to say.

Rob leaned against the frame, watching him. 'Take care of yourself.'

Jack stepped out into the cold night air, his breath visible in the glow of the streetlights. The door clicked shut behind him, and for a moment, he just stood there, his body still humming, his skin still warm from the touch of another man.

He had done it.

He had gone through with it. And he hadn't panicked, hadn't bolted like last time. That was something, at least.

A step forward.

But as he walked down the quiet street, the weight of what had just happened settled over him like a heavy coat. He had enjoyed it—more than he ever had with a woman. More than he ever thought possible. And that truth, the undeniable proof of it, sent a shiver down his spine.

He couldn't hide from it anymore.

But then there was Rob. The framed family photos lining the walls, the sadness in his voice when he spoke about his wife, the resignation in his eyes when he admitted this was just the life he had settled for. A life of secrecy, of stolen moments, of lying to everyone—including himself.

Jack couldn't let that be his future. He wouldn't.

He had spent years trying to outrun the thoughts in his head, convincing himself he could suppress them; pretend to be someone he wasn't. But standing in the cold, his legs still unsteady, his heartbeat still settling, he realised he was at a crossroads. Either he kept running, kept denying, kept shoving himself deeper into a life that wasn't his—or he faced it. Whatever it was. He wasn't ready to name it yet, wasn't ready to say the words out loud. But he knew one thing for sure. He didn't want to end up like Rob.