Tw: self-harm, same hyphen warnings

Joel

Joel woke up to his alarm reminding him to give Etho the potions. He pushed himself up, groaning, pulling off his sleeping mask, and rubbing his eyes.

He blinked off the drowsiness, looking around. He hoped to see Etho had moved, or was at least asleep, but he was met with Etho still sat twitching in the chair, eyes far away.

Joel's breath caught for a moment. Etho should have recovered by now. Am I doing something wrong? He finished giving Etho the potions, then pulled up his comm and called Mumbo. With Grian busy staying with Gem, his sleep schedule was back in its natural state of coffee, so Joel figured he would not mind helping.

It was about 6:15 am when Mumbo arrived. Joel explained everything, then took off on his expedition. Surely someone here has to know something that could help.

***

That afternoon, Joel walked in, sitting down in the chair next to Etho. He had texted Mumbo before he arrived, so it was just the two of them.

Joel's voice was somber and slow as he spoke, "So I'm gonna say this out loud because Wels said there's a chance you can hear me. I, uh, I went around and talked to all the hermits to see if I could gather some, um, information on how to help you wake up. I went around and, um, between the trauma, the control, and, uh, Gem, they said..." Joel trailed off, taking a deep breath to gather himself, "they said you might not ever come back. So I-I'm just letting you know in case, um, in case you can hear me." Joel took a deep shuddering breath, turning his gaze to the side to hide the tears welling up in his eyes. "Who am I kidding? You probably can't h-hear me at all."

Joel gave into the tears, wrapping Etho in a hug he knew would not, would never, be returned, "Fuck, Etho, what am I going to without you? I c-can't, I can't..." his speech broke down into shuddering sobs. He cried for what felt like hours while Etho shook silently against him.

When he pulled back his hands were shaking like leaves. The crying had stopped, but his breath was still erratic. Despite the shaky hands, Joel reached into his inventory and pulled out a piece of black fabric.

"G-gem got rid of your ori-ginal mask, so I, uh, got you one," Joel said as he pulled the mask over Etho's head, "th-that way, even if y-you don't have control, y-you can at least have this."

Joel started to pull it up, but something changed. The shaking stopped and Etho's heterochromatic eyes focused on Joel's face. He reached up, gently touching his hand, then pulled the mask up himself.

Joel gasped, too stunned to say anything as Etho wrapped him in a hug.

"Thank you for giving me back my control," Etho said, squeezing Joel tighter. Joel hugged him back, and the two were together. Together again.

A minute or so later, Etho pulled back, asking Joel, "What happened?"

"How much do you remember?" Joel queried.

"It's all kind of hazy. I remember a deer thing taking me. Then I woke up and I-I was strung up. And then it...it kept commanding me and it hurt and I lost control..." Etho's eyes unfocused again and he started hyperventilating.

"Etho, stay with me, ok? You're alright. You won't get hurt again. Take deep breaths," Joel instructed.

Etho did as instructed, maintaining some calm as he asked, "What happened after I lost control?"

Joel responded with his own question, "How much do you really want to know?"

"Everything."

Joel explained everything he knew as requested. Etho remained silent up until he mentioned Cleo removing the wire in his mouth.

Etho reached his hand up to his mouth for a moment, then stood up quickly, rushing out of the room.

"Etho?" Joel called after him, jumping up and following. Did I say another command?

"I need a mirror," Etho responded, not stopping his search, "I need to see what it did to me."

Joel thought back to how scarred his face was and how much he hid it, then said, "I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"No, I need to." He continued his search, checking every room he could.

Joel sighed, pulling out his comm and handing it to him, instructing, "Use the camera."

Etho

Etho turned away from Joel, opened the camera, and held it up to his face, his horrible, hideous face.

A new scar was forming where Joel had said the wire had been, disfiguring his already damaged face further. The left side of his jaw and right cheek bone bore new hooks, though they were not nearly as neat as the original hooks. The edges were ragged and showed visible stitches.

The beast was right. I look monstrous.

Etho reached up, digging his nails into his skin, attempting to claw it all off and tear his visage anew.

Joel rushed over, grabbing his arms and pulling them away from his face. "Don't do that please," he asked, his voice tinged with pain.

Etho turned to the side, once more pulling his hands to his face, though this time simply to protect Joel from it.

"Don't look at my face," Etho pleaded.

Joel responded, "It's ok, I've seen you without your mask."

"Who else has?" Etho demanded.

Joel did not avert his gaze, answering, "Gem, Cleo, Grian, Xisuma, Scar, and I all did."

Etho inhaled sharply, digging his nails into his skin. He sunk them deep, nearly drawing blood before Joel once more pulled his hands away, holding them in his.

Etho twisted his face as far around as he could, but he knew it was futile. Joel had already seen his face. Contrary to his expectations, however, he did not shout or scream.

Instead, he stated, "There is nothing wrong with your face."

Still not daring to meet his eyes, Etho responded, "Yes, there is. It said so constantly. It said I was hideous." He said this with an eerily stable certainty.

Joel let go of Etho's hands, which he started to bring up to his face once more.

"Wait, don't do that," he stopped, "Can I touch your face?"

Etho paused, then nodded.

Joel reached up, cupping Etho's face in his hands gently.

"Etho, listen to me, you are not hideous. Your scars are part of you, and you are a beautiful person."

"Why would you lie?" he asked flatly, not daring to meet his gaze.

"I'm not lying," Joel insisted, "You're beautiful, I mean it."

Etho finally turned his gaze up, looking Joel in the eyes. His expression was honest, and he gave Etho a small smile.

He continued to hold Joel's gaze, finding it brought him strength.

After a few moments, he relaxed, saying, "I'm sorry, I just..." he trailed off, not knowing how to contain the million things he wished to convey in words.

Joel replied with a calm understanding, "It's ok. Stuff's changed, I get it. If there's anything I can do, just let me know."

Etho stepped back, nodding and offering his thanks, before wrapping Joel in a hug.

Joel

Once the embrace ended, Etho asked, "When's the earliest Cleo or Doc can come over and remove the hooks?"

"Probably tomorrow," Joel answered. You're going to have to talk to everyone then. They probably all hate you, his mind whispered.

"Ok."

"Oh, and, before I forget, take these every six to eight hours," he said, handing the potions to Etho. Etho nodded, taking the potions into his inventory. "By the way, have you gotten anything to eat?"

Etho shrugged, answering, "Not hungry." Joel found this a tad curious, but was distracted by Etho's next question, "Do you have a bed I could use?"

Joel grabbed him one and placed it.

"Thanks. I'm exhausted."

"Yeah, I bet. I'm probably going to go to sleep soon, too."

They exchanged good nights, then Joel walked into his room.

He changed into something more comfortable and got ready to sleep, but something was stopping him from sleeping. He could not hear Etho's normal peaceful snores, but upon checking on him he was asleep. You should be too. And he wanted to be, desperately. Today had been exhausting, both physically and mentally, but the previous events kept playing in his head.

Joel paced back and forth. He still felt guilt, crushing, pounding guilt at what he had said to Gem. It just would not leave his head. He knew he should go talk to her and apologize, but he couldn't. Not right now, not in this headspace. Maybe that made him selfish. Scratch that, he was selfish. Selfish for even saying that to Gem, selfish for not dealing with it, selfish for putting himself and his needs before everyone else's.

And yet here he was, despite knowing being here was selfish of him. Here, not dealing with the problem or apologizing, here.

-

Before he even knew what he was doing his knife was in his hand, the metal cold as always. The previous wounds were just starting to heal. Maybe I should just let them heal, the kindest parts of his brain thought.

No, I deserve this for the pain I've caused.

He placed the blade on the skin of his left arm, hesitating for just a moment and thinking, I should go get Etho. He wouldn't want me to do this.

No, just do it. You deserve this, and Etho would probably just confirm that. Besides, you don't need to wake him, that would be even worse than what you're doing. Just shut up.

Before he could hesitate, he sliced deep into his arm, reveling in the pain.

-