Chapter Twenty-Two

Sometimes, I like to pretend that we can pick who we fall for. The people that capture our attention and make our hearts beat faster and who's simple smile can brighten the darkest of days. Sometimes I like to think we have a say in that. But, we don't, really. Much as I hate to admit it, I had very little control over my own heart. If I had a say, I would have picked Zach, he was the far more logical choice to fall for. 

You know, I like the term 'falling' so much more than 'like' or 'date' or even 'love'. I can like the shower curtain I just bought, and its not the same as the first tenders of a crush. 'Love' is good, better, but its cliché and I'm pretty sure my emotions for that piece of cake over there are something pretty close to love. But 'falling' is just perfect. It's timid and bold at the same time. It captures that awkward and clumsy nature of a relationship. It's that moment, the one where you step off of that cliff with the air at your fingertips, unafraid despite the possibility that no one will be there to catch you.

*****

I liked Harry Styles. I liked Harry Styles. It wasn't a good feeling, let me tell you. For god's sake, I was no better than the screaming teenagers in the crowds at night. Honestly. It was bad enough to have feelings for someone that I already threw away once, but now I had the added bonus of being a walking cliché. Plus, the fact that he had somehow made me fall for him again after I swore not to let him back in really sort of pissed me off. He was too good at this game, or whatever it was that we were doing.

The remnants of the previous night rang in my head as we left my aunt's house the following morning. I clung to my brothers for longer than necessary while they told me to be good and left specific instructions not to get into too much trouble without them, throwing in to eat my vegetables and not let any more boys stomp on my heart at the last second.

As I buried my nose in their chests, I started to think about the next time I would see them, realizing it really wasn't that far away. The European leg of the tour was coming to a close and we didn't really have that much time left. The thought hung over me like a cloud as we made our way back onto the bus, onto the next destination once again. The time would fly by as fast as the fellow cars on the motorway. 

A few hours into the ride, I glanced up from the book I was reading to sneak a peek at Harry. We were both sitting in the living room area, me trying to get through the latest novel Liz had pushed on me while he played on his mobile, listening to music through a large set of headphones. The corner of his mouth turned up ever so slightly and his foot tapped to the beat of the song, and my heart fluttered as I studied him.

There was something just sort of beautiful about him. I mean, I always knew he was good looking, don't get me wrong, I have eyes, yet at the same time there was just something more there, too. A kindness mixed with imperfections that were breathtaking. His flyaway hairs and frequent acne made him human, and I loved that about him.

"Take a picture, it'll last longer," Zayn said as he plopped down next to me.

I jumped nearly a foot in the air with a strangled cry. Harry perked his head up but didn't seem to hear what Zayn had said, thank god. Headphones really are a beautiful invention.

I slapped Zayn in the chest. "Jesus Christ, Malik, you nearly gave me a heart attack!"

He snorted. "Only because you were too busy drooling over Harry there to pay attention." He raised an eyebrow and smirked at me. "Is there something going on that I should know about?"

Now it was my turn to snort. "What? Of course not." I turned my gaze back to the book I was supposedly reading, hoping Zayn would just go away and not speak any more about it.

It didn't work. "Then why were you staring at him?" he asked knowingly, daring me to try and come up with a reasonable explanation. 

"I wasn't. I-I was just staring off into space and he happened to be there." I was blushing furiously through my lie, praying he bought it. I know, it was weak. But it was all I could think of on short notice. 

He didn't, I could tell, but he decided to let me be for now, leaving for the kitchen in search of a snack while I bent my head back down. He shook his head and chuckled to himself while he left. 

I chided myself while I read the same sentence over and over, knowing it was pointless to try and keep going with my book. I had to be more careful unless I wanted someone, or, even worse, Harry himself, to find out that I had feelings for him. I wasn't even sure I could handle me knowing, let alone anyone else. Certainly not Harry, not when I wasn't sure whether or not to act on it. 

My eyes squeezed shut behind my glasses as I continued to overanalyze. I usually wore contacts, but the overcast day and my exhaustion from last night had made me skip my morning beauty routine.

I sighed out loud, feeling hopeless about the whole situation. At least I could accept it, I thought to myself. I wasn't like Lizzie, who was in complete denial for weeks when she liked somebody. I was fully aware of how he made me feel, I just couldn't stand it. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. 

I hated this. I hated knowing that he was able to do this to me and I felt naïve for thinking I could outsmart it and I hated the fact that I could never tell him. What we had was ancient history, with countless bridges burned along the way. 

Even now, I understood why I left in that moment. What he did was wrong, and neither of us could deny that it had hurt me. But it felt so minuscule, compared to what I had done to Zach, and I hated how much I had given up without so much as a thought. For fuck's sake, my drunk arse had kissed Lizzie one time when we were out too late at a bar. Granted, we were both single at the time. 

But instead I resorted to my old friend hatred, completely cutting off all ties and starting stupid insult wars as if he meant nothing to me. We never even talked about the kiss, not really. He and I had been going through a rough patch when it happened, and I could have taken the opportunity to be mature and say that we weren't cut out to be lovers. We could have called it and remained friends.

It didn't feel good, knowing how I had reacted. I felt cold-hearted, just like everyone thought. There was no way I could risk telling him how I felt, he would never want to go back to that, not now. 

And even if I thought maybe he could get past all of our history, there was Charlie. I couldn't even dislike her for snatching him up and catching his attention, she was my friend. 

Charlie and Harry made sense. They were both creative and could be deep when they wanted to and had the same sense of humor. They weren't technically dating, they had only gone out once or twice, but it was a hell of a lot closer than I was with Harry. 

He and I just didn't make sense, I mean, what did we even have in common? Short tempers and a good Irish whiskey (and really, who didn't love a good Irish whiskey?). He and I made each other nuts, and it only made how I felt more complicated. It would be so much easier if I hadn't fallen for him. My heart just had ideas of its own.

Thinking about Charlie came with the sinking realization that he would never feel that way about me again. I felt like I wasn't enough for him, just like last time.

I snuck a quick peek back over at him. He was still playing on his phone, sitting there without a care. Why would he? He could have anyone in the whole world that he wanted. He moved his phone a little too quickly when it vibrated, accidentally dropping it on the floor. I watched as he glanced sideways when he picked it up, hoping no one saw while I giggled at his clumsiness. I  sighed as he went back to his scrolling, knowing everything my heart felt was useless. 

I used to think he was my happily ever after, but now I know he was just my once upon a time.  

*****

My weight shifted to my side as I rolled over to look out the window. There was just a small part of the moon, the beginning of the month. It brought me back to my thoughts I had when I was saying goodbye to my brothers.

Like it or not, my time with Harry and the rest of the boys was starting to run out. Two months seemed so long when I couldn't stand the sight of him and desperately wanted it to be over. But now that I was finally starting to enjoy myself, it was starting to come to an end.

So much had happened, and it had only been a few weeks, really. I went from referring to Harry as 'the one with stupid hair' to hating him to screwing his brains out to falling for the idiot. Just a little while ago I couldn't stand the sight of him and I was convinced I was on my way to loving Zach. Everything had changed in such a small time frame. 

We still had two weeks left, but I had a hunch those were going to go by fast. I didn't want it to end. I didn't want to go back to Uni and paying rent and back to real life. I wanted to stay on the little home we had made on the tour bus, coming home to a family we chose. 

Maybe it was the people, really, but the bus had become this safety net of insanity that I had grown to love. It was too small and only had one bathroom for far too many people and it was perfect. A fantasy place where the paps couldn't bother us and we were just normal young adults again, sleeping around with each other and spilling drinks on the lounge and arguing over who hadn't washed the dishes. They didn't have to be superstars here. 

I heard a rustling noise in the hallway and the curtains shuffled as Harry suddenly appeared in my bed. A small smile crept its way across my face for half a second. One look at him and I forgot everything there was to worry about. The end of our time together and the guilt I felt over Zach faded from my mind at the sight of him. He just made me feel like I didn't have to be anything but myself. 

Not that I would ever tell Harry that. "What are you doing here?" I whispered, shoving his shoulder. He pushed me in return, rotating me so I was on my back while he held himself above me. "It's two o'clock in the morning!"

"So?" he whispered back as he suspended himself.

"Shouldn't you be asleep?"

"Shouldn't you?" he fired back in a teasing tone. We stared at each other for a moment, seeing who was going to win this battle. It was so pointless, but we were both too stubborn for our own good.

I moved my gaze down to his chest. "Do you ever sleep with a shirt on?" I asked as I traced my finger along his tattoos.

He made a noise and collapsed, letting me catch his weight before rolling over beside me. "Your hands are icy," he hissed and I laughed softly.

"Well, if you wouldn't keep it so bloody Baltic in here I wouldn't be so cold," I replied, making it seems like the most obvious thing in the world.

Harry leaned in even closer. "I don't know about that," he breathed in my ear. "I think the ice queen of the One Direction tour bus is always cold." He kissed the soft skin behind my ear before moving down my jawline to my lips, and I leaned into his warmth. 

I got back at him by jabbing at his sides and he squirmed. "Oh, is Harry Styles ticklish?" I asked in mock surprise, as if I didn't already know. He frowned at me while I attacked his sides with my fingertips. He continued to wiggle around while we laughed and made shushing noises at one another, attempting to keep quiet so we wouldn't be discovered.

I loved these little moments. The ones that reminded me that he was more than just Harry the famous singer. He was Harry, the guy who refused to sleep with a shirt on and was always keen for a laugh. 

He finally got me to stop by holding my arms and kissing me forcefully, and I returned the affection by placing my arms around his back to pull him closer. I only let go when I felt him tug at the ends of my pajama top. He pulled it over my head as I snuggled closer, stealing some of his body heat from the sudden rush of cold.

Some people might not have wanted to continue our current relationship, given how I was feeling about him, but I figured a little bit of Harry was better than none at all.

Song: In Case by Demi Lovato