I look into my brother's eyes.
"I'm still here! She isn't. So what are you going to do about it?" I glare at his slumped shoulders and downward gaze before I spin on my heels and walk away. Away from everything.
"Carson! You are upsetting your brother- "
"Yeah well-"
"Stop bothering-" I turn to look at my mom.
"Well maybe that's all I am. A bother. That's all you people act like I am. I hate it. And I hate having to hate it and I hate you for making me hate it."
"I know I raised you better than this."
"No. You raised HER better than this. You didn't care about me."
"Carson-"
"Matty why won't you talk?"
My mom and brother look at me uncertainly.
"I know it's because you are scared of the world. You think that not talking will make it less real. That if tim don't move on, the world will stop with you." My mom gives me a look.
"Let your brother deal with his own way. God knows we all have-"
"Let me speak. I understand that part. What I don't understand is why you think that will work. You are smarter than this. You've always been the smart one. So think. Just think." This time when I walk away I make it out of the white paint chipped door and onto an equally as paint chipped porch. I stick my hands into my sweatshirt pocket and walk down my street. I hear my phone ringing. I keep walking. I reach the bridge that separates the east and west side of town. I look over the edge into the watery abyss as cars flash past me. We've been taught to fear oblivion. To wish it away. But I can't; not anymore. Not after her. I raise a leg over the railing so I'm straddling it. I could end my hate right here. Right now.
"We all miss her Car." I feel a hand on my shoulder.
"I know. But know one misses me." I try to look past the dark waters, trying to see beyond. Trying to get a taste of oblivion.
"We don't need to. You're still here."
"I'm not. Not really." I look behind me, at my brother. "I love you Matty."