What's this? Something serious?

I dunno I've just been having really good days, especially this week, and before the feeling fades I want to take this time to remind myself of what happens when you choose to let go.

I've had an absolutely incredible time these past months volunteering at my old middle school. That may sound kinda sad because it's jus a middle school but you don't understand how freaking fun it was for me and my friends helping out our favorite teacher. They were much needed endings to those days when school was for some reason giving me depression. It didn't really feel like volunteering most of the time, I was just having a really good time with my friends and the other kids. Really good times ^-^

And on top of that, attending the party/event that we were preparing for? My god, I had the time of my life. It was a party, and I was honestly really scared going into it because it's been so. many. years. since I've been to a party without having a mental breakdown. But hey, here I am testifying that I legit had one of the best times of my life with my friends and the party wasn't even for us XP. Nearly cried that day because I was so proud of myself for having fun.

I'm kind of sad that the volunteering is over but we move...

Moving on to this week, my goodness it was weird but in the best way possible. I was put into several situations this week where I'm pretty sure old me would have descended into mental chaos, but the me this week? She was on a whole other level. Like for instance this Wednesday me and my bro were taken out to dinner by someone my mom knows and her freaking granddaughter tagged along. Past me would have been way too caught off guard to function and would have shut down but my god I can't remember a time I've enjoyed myself more at a restaurant with basically a stranger. I've never ever in my life hit it off that easy with someone my first shot. Ever. What's goin on XD

And to top it all off I got to spend quite a bit more time than usual with my almost-crush and I wasn't dying of anxiety, actually was pretty fun and I'm kinda living~

My goodness...

I've felt really...really...really good this week. I don't know if you can fully see it through my words but I'm really fcking proud of myself. If some of the situations I've said I've overcome my anxiety and had fun in seem really dumb to you then I will politely plant Lego's all over your bedroom floor tonight because these seemingly minuscule things are a really big deal to me. Honestly I feel like only a couple of people in my life see these as high of feats as I do but is okay XP

Future me, I know you're gonna re-read this one day. I just want you to remember this feeling because this is what living feels like. I know it's going to feel ten times better when you're grown and can experience all the things you want to experience that you can't right now—all the new clothes and new settings and concerts and shows and maybe even relationships—but this is where it began.

I honestly don't think I've ever felt this much alive and this much present...

And to be honest I'm terrified about how the universe is going to balance me out but until that dip comes, I'm jus enjoying the high XP

2022 started off a bit rocky (to be honest I think it might have been seasonal depression. Not diagnosed but that's what I have a hunch it is), but it's really really been looking up.

Remember this, Rae. Happiness really is a choice, something you sometimes have to fight really hard for, and you sure as hell have been doing it.

You're doing great, keep it up.

All my love,
~ Rae 🤍🤍🤍